Should I leave my wife ?

ben,

Either your wife will find out or this other woman will wake up to the fact that she is being used by a married man to boost her ego, is just a bit fun and you never REALLY cared about her, that you were lying cheating creep and will dump your sorry **

It really is just a matter of time. So I'll be seeing you here again soon when the bubble has burst and the sh** has hit the fan

If you really loved your wife, you wouldn't treat her in such a disrespectful way or talk about her like that. I feel sorry for her. She doesn't deserve you.

I say, have neither woman. You need some time alone for some self work. If you loved either of them, you would have been with one of them..no, wait.

What I mean is, if you loved your wife you would not have cheated. Ergo, you don't love her and should leave.

If you loved S, you wouldn't have subjected her to being the Other Woman. Ergo, you do not love her, leave.

Unfortunately I find myself in a nearly identical situation. I got married in the late 1980's, but right from the start (honeymoon) I realized my wife and I were not sexually compatible. In all other areas we get along famously. No man could ask for a better mate. She just isn't my type. Imagine that. She's like a best friend, a little sister - but hopefully you don't get turned on when you kiss your sister, and so it goes with her and I right from the beginning. We married shortly after ending other relationships. We thought it was what God wanted for us. In 1991, in an attempt to save the marriage, I took her on vacation and, during the one time we managed to consummate, she got pregnant. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since, and we have not touched each other since. That was over 14 years ago. We lived celebate and married.

About five years ago, I met a female online, met this OW in person, and the affair commenced. In so many ways - religious and political beliefs, the things we want out of life, and sexual compatibility - we are very well matched, despite a 20-year age gap. Over the five years we've been seeing each other, she has more than proven her willingness to take on the realities of our situation. Even though we are both Christian and experiencing the guilt that comes with this affair, she has stated, "I would follow you into hell." I know she would, although hell is not my intended destination.

The OW, tired of my not moving out of the marriage home, gave me a deadline which I missed, a date by which I must move out. She then showed up at my door, introducing herself to my wife and son. The deception was up. She and I did not speak for two months, but one day I called her.

It started up again. Her visit to my house was January, but now in October, she has layed another deadline. I feel bad for her, and I love her. She gave her virginity to me, planned her entire life around me. During our times apart, I ache for her 24/7. At one point she broke it off with me for 6 months. I thought of nothing but her, with no contact between us. Keep in mind, young beautiful females who want to have sex with me are plentiful. I have money, I don't look my age, etc. But it is this girl, the OW, for whom I ache like I have never wanted anyone before or probably will again. This is not a schoolboy crush. I am a very experienced player.

But, I do love my wife (in a little sisterly way) and my son means the world to me. I hate to give it all up, the warmth and security, the home we built together. I fear for how he will regard me in the future as it is, but if I leave the house, how much worse our relationship will be. He would never accept another woman, ever.

But I fear that if I do not, then in four years he will go away to college, and I will be living a celebate life in a separate bedroom while my virgin lover gives herself to another man. The whole thing really sucks.

I have no advice for Piers, who appears to be back on track with his wife. I have visited counsellors and psychiatrists. Unanimously they say my marriage cannot be saved. But there is the devotion to doing the right thing whenever possible out of Karma fears, love of God, and minimizing pain. The OW is the type to take care of me, and I trust her to be faithful. She's mine if I want her, mine for life. At least Piers has the chance of regaining his romance.

I find all of your advice very interesting. I'm not sure which way I'll go, but I need to decide within the next two weeks.

I have no idea what to say about this last post so all I will say is that perhaps you should stop thinking only of yourself and your own needs for a while and start thinking about how you have already hurt your wife and your mistress. Your mistress is 20 years younger than you!

Even though we are both Christian and experiencing the guilt that comes with this affair,

Thou shalt not commit adultery.. comes to mind. You clearly have no guilt about your actions and continue along the same path. I wouldn't inject religion into this because religion is all about doing right by others and correcting mistakes we have made.

and I will be living a celebate life in a separate bedroom while my virgin lover gives herself to another man. The whole thing really sucks.

She is no longer a virgin so that is irrelevant at this point. If you truly care about her you will let her go and find someone who is truly available to her and can give her a future.

"I would follow you into hell." I know she would, although hell is not my intended destination..

Lucky for you then isn't it because thats exactly where you will put her when you chicken out of leaving your wife.

I have money, I don't look my age, etc. But it is this girl, the OW, for whom I ache like I have never wanted anyone before or probably will again. This is not a schoolboy crush. I am a very experienced player.

I also have money, don't look my age etc but I don't treat people like **** like you do, the only thing you seem to have plenty of is EGO.

I absolutely agree 100% that you are a player but you say it like it's a good thing.

Sum1

I feel badly for your wife and son.

You certainly do not act like you are following Christian beliefs of respect, honesty, integrity and fidelity.

I'm curious why your wife didn't boot your behind out when she found out about the affair.

Do you honestly think your son has more respect for you because you live in his house while you are cheating on his mother with another lover and destroying her trust and self esteem?

It seems you are very misguided in what you believe is best for him, and for your wife, and the only thing you are thinking about is your own wants and comfort- not theirs.

I agree with Yonik. You are human. There must have been something missing in your marriage to stray. Most women feel that they are a failure if her man cheats. That is not the case, the problem lies with the relationship both have put together. If you are going to leave your wife then make sure in your heart and with sound judgement that you do it for the right reasons. Dont let your wife go on a self-righteous rant. I know being married that I have made mistakes and know that your wife is not perfect. Yes, it is a bitter pill for her to swallow but she will get over it. Like Yonik's adive be good to her if you get a divorce. If you decide to get therapy do it because you want it, not because your wife guilted you into it. Dont use the excuse the "children". If you are not happy in your marriage your children will pick up on it. Children are flexable. They will love you no matter what. Whatever your problems with you wife dont let either one of you put that on the kids. Leave them out of it. Think deep and hard about what is best for you. When you are happy then you will be able to make those around you happy.