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Thread: Single Gay Man Considering Dating Women

  1. #1
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    Single Gay Man Considering Dating Women

    I'm hoping that by posting this I can find another gay man that is contemplating dating women in the hopes of developing a relationship based on caring, honesty, love and sharing. I have been out for a long time, didnt have much issue with it.
    I didnt behave as though I wanted to jump into the fist relationship that came my way, because I wanted to explore my sexuality. get to know people, and live as a single man get to know mself and my needs before trying to become involved in an emotional relationship with someone.

    I have had a few relationships all of which have ended after 1.5 years. I have no idea why they have all ended after the same time period.. the reasons have all been differnet, from cheating, to falling out of "love" if you can call it love after a year. to just growing apart.

    I'm at the point now where I believe Im aware of my needs, my wants, and my ability to offer someone a loving, caring and supportive relationship. However, I'm finding it very VERY hard to meet any gay men that are willing to get to know me. It seems from my perspective, that all they seem to care about is what you look like, (body and face included) your money, and/or job. No on has been willing to get to know me beyond the physical.

    It's been so frustrating that I am at the point where I'm wonderng if it would not be better to find a mate from the opposite sex. Of all the women I know both gay and straight, have always been able to look beyond the physical and superfiial parts of the person they choose to become emotionally involved with. I know that may not be indicative of all women, but at least they seem to actually take the time and energy to get to know someone before they decide on whether or not they would make suitable mate. I have met a ew couples consisting of a gay man and lesbian woman who got together so they could have children while maintaining other relationships.

    Is it wrong of me to be thinking of dating woman so I could possibly find a loving relationship? So that I can have some hope in having someone with me later in life. If I'm gay does my partner HAVE to be a gay man? I know some would say that I want a friend then, but thats not the case I do have friends and some very close friends that I would gladly sacrifcie my own life for. However, I want/need/desire/hope for a partner whom I can trust, talk to, hold, be held by, share my htoughts and idea with not mater how nut ball and out in left field. Someone w ho knows me, who can appreciate what I have to offer in terms of a partner. Someone to come home to and find support in.
    I dont think I'm asking too much.
    Im not finding gay men to be very open to real relationships. I appears from me point of view, that most are always looking for the next best thing, the prettier face, the hhottest body, the perffect job the perfect person.
    Or is it me? am I really that god awfuly ugly ? Do I have an odor that is so offensive to other gay men they couldnt possilbe want to get to know me beyond a couple chats online?
    I'm becoming more bitter, and somewhat angry about it. Should I be as shallow and superficial in my partner hunt? onyl lkg for mr perfect body, perfect face ? without getting to know the person? Im not sure what to do...

    I dont want to hermitize myself, but Im so ready to renounce this entire gay thing and become one of those closested gay men that marry women and suck * * * * in the parks. I dont necessarily want to be partnered for te sake of being partnered, I want to meet and get to know someone that I cna share a life with. share the hard times, the good times, the trials the tears, the laughter..

    If anyoneone else has thought of this pls pls let me know. I would love to know what you have done, or thought of , or havent done and why? I'm on the verge of removing myself from the gay community completely, I dont want to become more bitter and I certainly dont want to become a self hating homo. But Im not sure I have much more time to wait and hope that Ill find that one gay man that would be able to truly get to know me before they decide im not pretty enough.
    i guess that line does say it all or does it?
    Thing is Im not ugly. I dont have a gym bod, I have a decent job, which I really like. I have a good family that is supportive and loving. I am a godo listener, fiercly loyal, loving and open. hmmm
    Perhaps this too will get me no where. Maybe the gay community really is as shallow and superficial. Perhaps it is me. Maybe I wasnt meant to be partnered, perhaps I wasnt meant to be at all./ Im an oddity and outcast within the gay community. or at least that is how it feels.
    Am I alone in this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    Hey, I understand how you feel and I am a straight woman. But, I have a gay ex bf (now best friend) that I am very close to and am sort of tied to. I dated him for a long time before he came out and told me he had gay feelings. But we have stayed together and he has a bf now. My gay ex and I have a very close relationship, we spend a lot of time together, talk on the phone, hang out, etc. mostly with his bf in tow, but he trusts me with his heart and soul and he clings to me because I give him the emotional support and understanding that he cannot get from his bf. His bf (like a lot of typical gay guys) looks at my gay ex as a meal ticket, as someone to control, etc. My gay ex is a workaholic and he is a cheapskate and his bf bullies him, controls who he sees, what he does, spies on him, etc. My ex loves him to death and cannot fathom leaving him and yet his bf has cheated on him many times, etc. My gay ex is so afraid to have anybody know he is gay so he keeps that all inside him and he leans on me because I give him a semblance of normalcy in public and when we are together I give him emotional support and I am there for him through thick and thin.

    You are not asking for too much in what you might seek from a woman, but it takes a special woman to do that. I dont think a lot of women can handle being in a relationship with a gay guy because people find it weird and if the guy also has a bf, it tends to wreak havoc on all parties. It has been a tough road for me to stay with my best friend but he has always been there for me through my tough times. I have wanted to find a normal relationship and I thought I found one with my current ex, to the point I was contemplating leaving my best friend, but at the end, when I was forced to choose, I could not do it. If you want to go this route and date a woman, you have to be upfront and honest to whomever you go out with about what you can and cannot offer up in the relationship. It is good to spell it out so that you can avoid heartbreak and frustration for you or the woman.

    Am I happy with the situation I am in now, some days yes, some days no. I do want a full relationship with a guy but when I see the accompanying heartaches, I am not sure if I want that either.

    Good luck

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    thank you so much for that persepctive. If I do decide to remove myself from he gay community. I'm not going to kid myself into beleiving that I will suddenly become sexualyl attracted to women. you are right I would have to be open and upfront with someone, as I tend to be with when communicating with potentially datable people. Do you think that I would be able to (with a woman) have the kind of relationship Im lkg for that is not going to bring about hardship and heartache? or will the fact that im gay be ahinderance to such a relationship? Am I kidding myself in thinking that its possible. .. I just dont know at this point. The last thing I would want to do is cause someone hurt and anguish in my search for a mate. Thinking of that I have to ask if I shouldnt just give up on ever finding a mate and relationship that is rewarding, loving and supportive. Especially if all I'm going to find are shallow, supeficial gay men that care only for how I look on their arm, and not what kind of person I am. Are women truly different in what they look for in a mate?
    Maybe my perspective of the women I know is tainted by the fact Im gay. Maybe they behave and think differnently if they are contemplating a relatiosnhip with a str8 man.

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    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    In regards to your question, I am not sure. The problem is, with you being gay, it is pretty much impossible for you to have a whole relationship with a woman and if you pursue this route, it is not going to be an easy route for both you or the woman. For one thing, you are gay and you probably have sexual feelings for mostly guys. With most women, if you get into a relationship with them, even if you spell everything out in the beginning, a woman can and does usually get attached to a man emotionally, esp after being with someone for a while and if the woman has some type of attraction for the guy. And sometimes with emotional attachment comes the physical attraction, etc. I know I am rambling on but I will say this, if I had to live life over again, there are days I wish I never dated/knew my gay best friend (first ex). My relationship with him, and my continued situation with him has poisoned my chances of having a normal relationship with a guy, which I really do want. It isnt easy for me because my best friend is attached to me (although he doesnt want to admit it to me at times) and I am attached to him. I have pretty much snuffed out my sexual feelings for him and that has not been an easy thing to do, but it is the easiest way for me to deal with him. If I didnt snuff that out, I dont think I would have survived emotionally or mentally watching him have a bf.

    My best friend knows that he will always be my best friend and vice versa, but he also knows that I am eventually, when I do settle down here and start living life, I am going to want to find a bf of my own and develop my own relationship. He knows that if I find the right one, I will let him go and find a new SO and he is ok with it. He and I will always be the best of friends though.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member FoxLocke's Avatar
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    I know how you feel. I am gay and I used to date women. It was mainly desperation on my part. I was hoping that one of them would be "the girl" that could turn me straight. Unfortunately(well, fortunately, because I have no problem being gay now), it didn't happen that way.

    Now, I am friends with my lesbian ex-girlfriend(long story)...

    I completely relate to you on this topic. When I acknowledged being gay, to myself, I became afraid and depressed. Primarily because I was giving up on a dream that I had for my life(the stereotypical Norman Rockwell painting fantasy: White house, on a hill, picket fence, beautiful flowers, a golden retriever, 2.5 kids, a boy and girl(in that order), a lovely wife and two SUVs...). To me it was the idea of not fitting into societies idea of what is "normal."

    I often hear about the narcissism that you speak of it. It is scary to realize how prominent it is in the gay community. However, I know that every gay guy is not like that. I know that one day I will meet someone who will love me for me, and I won't have to deal with trying to stay in the gym to maintain some sort of "look" or go hopping from bed to bed.

    Even though it may seem like a good Idea to just go pair up with a woman I don't think that would be fair to her.
    A relationship that is based on emotional compatibility is great. But if there is no sex involved then you are really nothing more than best friends. And I think that is great. Having a best friend would help, especially to get you through those times when you feel like you have no one else.

    But don't drag an innocent bystander into a life of deceit, because that is exactly what will happen. You are going to get to a point where you will want to pursue your sexual urges...And the person who is going to be hurt IS your hypothetical wife.

    Don't worry, we here at this website have all felt the way you do at sometime or another. I am definitely scared of all the gay club scenes, narcissism and the idea that I may wind up alone. I know I probably won't wind up alone, but just it is a fear I do have sometime.

  7. #6
    ElektraHere's Avatar
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    If you know in your heart of heart that you are a gay male how do you think getting involved with a straight female will help? You think you would be happy? I think not, look at all the men who denied their sexuality ended up marrying the women, having children, and ultimately leaving the marriage because they couldnt deny their gay feelings anymore. Do you really think that would be fair to the woman? No!
    We all have crap relationships. Its all about finding that person that fits in your life. I am sure there is another gay male who feels the same as you but to go hetero because your boyfriends havent worked out is kind of ridiculous.
    Stand tall, be proud of yourself, and perhaps change the type of guy your dating. Perhaps the high maintenance ones aren't for you, maybe try a guy a little less into the superficial things.
    Just my two cents.
    Good Luck,

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Jinx's Avatar
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    I have met a few couples consisting of a gay man and lesbian woman who got together so they could have children while maintaining other relationships.
    This post reminded me a lot of a conversation I had with a good friend last night who is a gay male. Both of us during our lives have dated the opposite sex but every relationship eventually ending, and eventually coming to terms with our sexuality.

    Before we were originally going to leave, we gave one another the usual parting hug and got "caught" by someone who didn't know one is gay and one is lesbian, said it was so cute and so couple-like.

    That wasn't the hug intent but we joked about it, and didn't end up leaving for a long time after that as we got into a conversation about life.

    Neither of us have been able to find a same sex individual who shares our relationship ideas. He always states he is Bisexual, I asked him Why just out of curiosity because he is the farthest gay leaning "Bisexual" I have ever met and he says it is strictly to leave his options open because he doesn't want to die alone and will marry a woman if he has to. That kind of put a damper on the day as I thought about it too.

    Of course I pointed out if he marries a straight women, she'd probably expect him to change his ways (he is an extremely feminine around those he knows well), and that would just be painful for him. Nonetheless, she'd expect either an open relationship or sexual relations for him and if he is only aroused by men, well.... We kind of have a problem there. I told him, it would be only harder I presume to find a lesbian who is willing to marry into a relationship unless she too is at the end of her ropes about the situation. I said the only really benefit is that you'd have a traditional family unit and scratching the surface on society's views, be "normal" and accepted.

    Yet, the thing is I told him say that for example purposes only that us two decided we were at the end of our ropes and got married. I'm not extremely masculine but a lot more than he is, and on the far but not extreme side of the lesbian spectrum of course that is my opinion, I've a tomboy look on casual days and suit+tie on business/interview/event days, but still feminine enough that I have men hitting on me when I go out here and there. He on the other end is more woman like than I ever have been, again, extremely feminine.

    Would us as a couple really ever actually be considered normal? Even in marriage and family? I'm thinking the neighbors would deem us the "Fairly Odd Couple" at best.

    Really, I think in the end it depends on you and what you really want. If I were you, I think I'd have to make it clean clear and cut right up front that you're gay so that she expects nothing more, nothing less than that. It is one of the worst things developing the gay community, that a gay man with little to no interest in women aside of friendship, marries a straight women, she doesn't know for awhile, and he can play along, for a bit, eventually the relationship dies because he either finds a man and is cheating or he comes out and is deemed the "homewrecker" and that isn't another stereotype we need. Anyhow, like I say it would be better on both of you to have it clear upfront to avoid later complications.

    I think the only true solution to make both "happy" would be to find a lesbian partner, even though it may be difficult I'm sure there are a deal out there that have given up and need someone too. Then have the open relationship individuals do, I've heard that a lot myself. Now that there is that major issue of gay marriage coming up and still frowned upon a deal and people still afraid to come out, there are those which "solve" by marrying, legally but one is gay one lesbian and maintain relationships elsewhere but they can still come home to that friendship element and support that can't be found outside really, unless they do find, "the one".

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    Platinum Member hosswhispra's Avatar
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    It's normal to have the desire to be held, comforted and cared for. NOBODY wants to "end up alone," But if you are truly a gay man, I don't think it's a good idea to enter a relationship with a straight woman. It's setting you both up for major heartache...trust me on this.

    I really agree with what FoxLock's post...he really said it the best:

    But don't drag an innocent bystander into a life of deceit, because that is exactly what will happen. You are going to get to a point where you will want to pursue your sexual urges...And the person who is going to be hurt IS your hypothetical wife.

    Please hang in there. I will pray that you find a loving and caring partner.

    hosswhispra

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    You might find a woman who is looking for the same as you initially, but there are so many ways it could all go pear shaped even if you're totally honest and one or both of you could get badly hurt. Just an idea - a friend of mine has started internet and agency dating (she's straight but the principles the same). It does take away the spontenaiety out of meeting someone, but you do get the chance to say what you're looking for, and bypass profiles of people who aren't looking for the same as you. It doesn't guarentee the chemistry will be there but its a step in the right direction if you're both looking for the same sort of relationship.

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    ShySoul!

    Check your private messages... lol. it's so easy to see what people are up to on enotalone... just wanted you to know you got one. =)

    ttyl.

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