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Doesn't want children?


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Yeah, so I assume this is the correct place to post this. Basically I'm in a relationship with this girl, and we both love each other, but we've recently discussing having children. I want her to be open to having children as I'm quite sure I'll want children some time in the future. She hates children, but she's told me she'll pretend to love the child if it will make me happy. Now, I don't want to have a child with her if she won't really love it, but she doesn't understand what the problem is - she seems to think it makes no difference as long as she pretends to love it. I've tried explaining it to her, but to no avail. Any advice on what I should do? I can't have a child with her if she doesn't really want one, but I'm sure I'll want a child eventually.

 

Thanks.

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How old are you, and how long have you been together?

 

That was a rather horrid thing for her to say - there are many people whom don't like other people's kids much, but would never say they would "pretend to love their child". Loving a child is not something you "learn" or "pretend" to do. That seems off to me...also seems off she would "give in" to keep you happy.

 

I would question what her beliefs about LOVE are, if she believes "pretending to love" is the same as "genuine love".

 

There are lots of people whom feel that way for life, and never want them, and some whom end up wanting them when they meet the right person or grow a bit older. Neither is wrong, but it would be wrong to force someone to change their mind.

 

You are right, you cannot have children with someone whom does not want them, personally for me this issue would be a dealbreaker, one of you would have to give up your dreams, and that would be unfair and cause resentment. And to bring a child into an environment where the mother "would pretend to love" is awful.

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This does not sound like the type of person you wnat to have kids with. You can't pretend to love a child because she really won't love it and you'll be stuck with it most of the time. It would really cause a lot of problems in the relationship and she might resent it or resent you too. I wouldn't have a kid with this woman because it's just not something she wants and it will lead to further problems.

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Yikes!

 

My response kind of depends on your age (that you're a little older) and how soon you're considering children (2-5 years from now), but I'll throw it out there.

 

As children are a major part of a relationship, if you truly want them, I would say the two of you are not compatible.

 

Many people don't think of something such as wanting children as an issue now, but it later becomes a big problem. The person who wants children thinks that the other will change their mind given time, and if they don't, it's a breeding ground for resentment.

 

For me personally, I couldn't imagine sharing my life with someone who would make a statement like "I will pretend to love my child". Better to just say that you don't want a child altogether. It would be really unfair to that child to be born of a parent who will only "pretend" to love it and is secretly resenting it. I don't think I could look at my partner the same way after saying something like that. Of course that's me personally.

 

Now of course, my advice would be different if you two are pretty young and in a comparitively new relationship. There was a point when I was younger that I thought I "hated kids" and never wanted one. Now I've just given birth to my own daughter and couldn't imagine being without her. Many thoughts and opinions change as you get older, kids can definitely be one of them.

 

So there it is, lol. All only my opinions of course.

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I am guessing that if she had a child, then she would love it. I can relate with not wanting children, but I really think they are cute. How long have you been going out? My ex was adimant about not having children and then got engaged to a guy with a three year old. After they broke up, she said that if she met the right guy she would have children. I think certain women are very maternal and others are not. If you are both very serious and marriage is on the horizon, then this may be a good time to rethink things. If the relationship is newer, then maybe it is not an issue. People do change their minds, but if you are absolutely sure you want children and she may not, then that is certainly an issue.

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She hates children, but she's told me she'll pretend to love the child if it will make me happy

sorry, but what kind of person says they'll "pretend to love someone" to make you happy? she sounds like a nut

 

 

Either that or she's about 15 years-old or so- and trying to live out the plot of some soap-opera or TV show she has seen. Regardless of her age- that statement is very immature- to me the immaturity of it is even worse then her cynical views about children. That should be a red flag right there...

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If she doesn't actually like children, then trust me, she will not be able to 'pretend' to love YOUR child for very long. Also, kids aren't stupid. Like ALL human beings, they have feelings, understand what's going on, and feed off our energy. Not a healthy environment for a kid. Children need to be loved and nurtured on a primal, natural level. If your girlfriend thinks that she can fool a child, she's in for a lifetime of disappointment. Children are smart and they know what's going on. That should be respected above all else.

 

Her mind could change, but it probably won't. People who are not child-friendly for their entire lives rarely wake up and think, "wow, I have this amazing, unexplainable urge to have a kid".

 

This is one of those situations that you will see clearly in time. Advice may give you something to think about, but ultimately, you'll have to observe yourself and come to your own conclusions. You'll make the right decisions when the time is right.

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EEEkkk she sounds fairly immature, I'd consider leaving her for two reasons..she doesn't want children, and she says things like that!

 

There are people who hate children when they are younger but then decide that they want them. My mom was/is a case in point. She married my dad when she was 21, and didnt want kids. However, at 28 or so, she quite suddenly decided she did want kids, so here I am (and my sister, a bit later).

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I don't think the girl is a nut at all.. we all say weird things when we feel uncomfortable.. it may have even been a way of getting at you because she felt pressured.

 

I have been going through the exact same thing with my Girlfriend. I love her more than anything and intend to spend my life with her... however.. she is in no way interested in children...

 

My options were;

 

A) Genetic surrogacy basically renting a Womb for your sperm and your wife's egg.

B) Become a football coach in your spare time when you get older...

C) End the relationship.. find somebody willing to have a child.. stay with them for a while.. then make sure she seems mad and take the child away from her.

 

Now... as extreme as the third may be I'm only using it as an example to show how limited your options are. If you stay with her you are likely choosing love over children.. sometimes you can't have both.

 

Kieran

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Kieran - does your gf not want to give birth, or to not have children...because I am really unsure how even surrogacy or adoption or any of that would change that situation if she does not WANT children. If she just does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth, well then that's another matter.

 

 

 

I disagree completely, as you certainly can find someone whom will provide you with both if that is what you truly want. For some people, having kids is an "option" not a "need" and in that case, then yes, they certainly may be fine to compromise, but if someone truly wants them, and they are with someone who truly doesn't, I think they are both putting themself in a lose-lose situation.

 

I think there is nothing wrong with wanting children, and nothing wrong with NOT wanting them, but when people on opposite ends of the spectrum come together, there will be someone in the end whom feels some resentment or loss. And this is why it's such a dealbreaker.

 

I have seen enough couples try to "give up" their dream of having kids for love, or others whom had them to keep their partner "happy" and I can honestly say, while those whom had kids love their kids, they certainly resent the pressure they were under, or the tricks made. I know one couple where the guy is so terrified of his wife not taking her birth control pills because he knows she wants to have a baby, so he makes sure to wear condoms always. That seems rather unhealthy!

 

I have seen on the flipside so many couples where one partner ends up regretting not having kids, and it poisons the relationship as there is a undercurrent of resentment there.

 

I really think you can definitely have both, if it's important enough to you - for me it is. I am in no rush to have them, neither is my partner, as I am going back to school and we are not ready yet...but we both do want them at some point. If we can't have them naturally, I would like to adopt (no IVF for me!) but I really cannot foresee living my life without them...not after knowing how great a bond my mother had with us, and how much she loved us in her life, I really wish to have that experience. Besides, I need some grandchildren to spoil one day! And so for me, being with someone whom did not want them ever, would be a dealbreaker. And I never had to trade in love, or children, to have one or the other....

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Not sure if your eyes are malfunctioning... perhaps if I make it a little easier to read.

 

If you stay with her you are LIKELY choosing love over children.. SOMETIMES you can't have both.

 

Now then... how can that be disagreed with? You're telling me that nobody on earth has chosen love with a partner over having a child? Nonsense methinks.

 

Sometimes you can't have both... sometimes you can't have love with a partner AND a child... Both I and the chap to whom this post belongs are fair proof of that.

 

Have you heard of specsavers? They are doing 2 for 1 on reading glasses.

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Cloaked arrogance seems to go untapped around here. A bit of honesty seems to cause endless amounts of shock factor. If it is as bad as you say.. I'll be banned eventually. If somebody can't take the time to read that which you've written.. especially when it is just a few lines.. then why sugar coat the reaction? I don't recall making any slights.. more pointing out that the poster above had obvious difficulties with reading.

 

Also.. if I can't point out a persons inability to read.. why is it that you can point out my ignorance towards manners.. perhaps I have never been taught them? Is that my fault?.. hmm.. Do you know what hypocrisy is?

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Not sure if your eyes are malfunctioning... perhaps if I make it a little easier to read.

 

If you stay with her you are LIKELY choosing love over children.. SOMETIMES you can't have both.

 

Now then... how can that be disagreed with? You're telling me that nobody on earth has chosen love with a partner over having a child? Nonsense methinks.

 

Sometimes you can't have both... sometimes you can't have love with a partner AND a child... Both I and the chap to whom this post belongs are fair proof of that.

 

Have you heard of specsavers? They are doing 2 for 1 on reading glasses.

 

Absolutely unecessary to react in that way. You are treading into flaming territory.

 

I DID read your post, and if you read MINE you would see I commented that no one HAS to choose one or the other, you have the full ability to choose to find both with someone whom shares the same goals.

 

Kind of hypocritcal to read my post, accuse me of not being able to "read" and then seem to miss the entire point of my post which was that you CAN have both, just not with the person you are currently with.

 

What I mean by having both, is you should not stay with someone whom can't offer you both - you CAN leave and find someone with whom you CAN have both.

 

Both you AND the original poster are choosing to stay with someone whom does not want children, it does not mean you cannot leave and find someone with whom you have both love AND children.

 

I am sure there ARE people whom have chosen to stay with someone and not have children, I have SEEN it happen if you read my post...but I also see one partner giving up their own dreams and it often leads to resentment and conflict.

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I found it to be both witty and informative.

 

Anyhoo. Back to the thread. Don't want to go off topic now.

 

I would say decide.. Decide what is more important to you. A happy life with the girl you love.. or a legacy.. children.

 

I chose the girl I love (so far) but I can't predict the future. It's hard but.. I would rather stay with her than somebody I didn't love.. just because they want children too. I may just set up a charity or something, maybe for single dads? Feel I have a lot to give to a little lad but at the same time I know I have a lot to give to my partner.

 

Hard work ain't it?

 

incedentally.. the term immature is widely used and a bit of a cop out. I would prefer a better slurr on my character next time please

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Maybe she hasn't seen children in a positive light. I personally consider them to be noisy, messy little buggers who get in the way at the grocery store. My friend had twins and I did the polite 'Oh you should hold the baby' thing. The twins were born premature and one has some problems, I was handed the 'difficult one', screaming, upchuck and all. I held her and tried bouncing her, rocking her, still she screamed. I looked her right in the eyes and made the stupidist face I could, big blue eyes widened and she actually giggled, everyone in the room turned. I managed to keep her happy for several hours until she had to go to bed, since then I can walk in and I get the biggest smile from her. She's my favorite, even if she still gives me a milky slick down my front, it just takes one good one to make all the bad ones disappear.

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