Is it cold feet or a red flag?

I am getting married on February 18th (less than 2 weeks away!) and last night my fiance and I had a HUGE fight and broke it off (we made up) but let me tell you the story. As some of you may know from my previous posts, I got an abortion (last wed). I'm doing fine with everything but it really tampers with your emotions. Yesterday I was really emotional and got upset at him ALL day long over stupid things, I called him numerous times while he was trying to work and really started to bug him. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and then when he seemed irritated with my calls I got more sad and then upset at him for not caring enough. Anyway, by the end of the workday we were fine, we both got home about the same time and went grocery shopping. While we were grocery shopping he started saying how he needed to go tanning because he looked so pale and all this crap about making himself look better. Instead of thinking he was doing it for me I got all upset thinking something was up and why all the sudden did he want to look good? Of course, it was for our wedding but instead of seeing that I just blew up and started making accusations, which just made him furious. That's not all....THEN we get home and he checks the mail..I get this magazing from Fredericks of Hollywood (I'm not sure if you know what that is but it's like really riskay lingerie and there is this girl on the front that is in something really revealing..(a whole nother story but I have a complex about him seeing other girls in this manor, I feel it's disrespectful to me for him to look at it..I think it's soft porn and I feel that someone in a relationship shouldn't be looking at it...some of you may disagree). Anyway, that's not a problem with us, he has never been into pornography since we have been together and is really respectful of my feelings towards that stuff. But when he brought back the mail I noticed the magazine and automatically started questioning if he looked at the picture on the front and after he told me know I pretty much called him a liar. I have NO IDEA why I was acting this way.

He finally got so fed up with me and asked me why the hell I was even marrying him if I think he's so horrible. Anyway, I gave him my ring and packed a bag and told him I was going to my mother's, but instead I drove around in circles for a half hour until he finally called me. I went home to mend things with him but he told me that he loves me so much but for the first time in our relationship he has doubts about marrying me. I keep my cool and don't cry the whole time while he gets his things together. He tells me how sorry he is about the abortion and that he still wants to be here for me if I need him but he just can't marry me. It hurt so bad to hear him say these things...seeing how one of the reasons I got the abortion was so we could build our marriage before bringing a child into it, I just wanted our relationship to be strong. He kept hesitating about leaving for about a half hour, walking around the house pretending like he was trying to find something (I think he was waiting for me to try to stop him) but I didn't. I sat in the bedroom and seriously had a blank stare..no tears..I was angry that he would leave me after all that I'm going through and about a WEEK before our wedding! He came back in the room and said that he felt as if he was forgetting something and then he kissed me and that's why i broke down crying. He told me that he feels like he should leave but he can't get himself to walk out the door. We talk for hours and he tells me he really wants to marry me and he just doesn't want me to get controlling or untrusting again (I used to be in the beginning but got better). I really think that having the abortion has just made me feel insecure and alone and for awhile I may be this way but I'm so scared I'll push him away and I don't know what I'd ever do without him. I love him so much and can't see my life without him in it.

He stayed with me and held me all night long and this morning we were great. He left me a note in my purse that told me how much he loves me and that he can't wait to marry me. He says he knows I'm scared that he'll leave but he's not going anywhere.

I feel so insecure and scared and vulnerable right now. I want to marry him more than anything in the entire world. I've never been so excited for anything in my whole life.

Do I just take this as a stupid fight or a big red flag?

Do I just take this as a stupid fight or a big red flag?

Sorry, heavensent--I would have to day BIG red flag. I can only imagine the emotional pain that you are going through right now. You are in my prayers during this most difficult time.

hosswhispra

I think it's not a red flag. i can understand him being frustrated for the umpteenth time that he isnt cheating on you and that he loves you and cares about you yet you continually question it. and then even you say you question him and get in huge fights.

that gets old.

but youre overly emotional with the stress of your upcoming marriage and your recent abortion.

talk to him and tell him that...that youre sorry but you cant help feeling this way and to please try and be understanding. im sure youre hurting him but im positive you really really REALLY hurting too.

he is trying to be there for you....you can tell. i think you have a fantastic guy. i think even though you keep blowing up...he tries to factor in why you are and stays despite the fact youre making him question why he's with you.

but the fact he does stay shows he does love you and care about you. try not to question it so much. ive left a relationship because of that. it gets reallllly frustrating and old after a while and i dont have the strength to continually swear up and down im true and faithful.

I would say chalk it up to a huge fight brought on by an extremely stressful event.

Under the circumstances, it's perfectly understandable that you had a little breakdown. I'm sure deep down, even he realizes that. An abortion is no small thing, and the pregnancy hormones are still vacating your system, so you're going to be a little emotional.

It's sounds like this man really does love you and is in it for the long haul. Try not to second guess his love for you, and have the best wedding imaginable!

It's a big red flag.

Not that you shouldn't marry this person, but that you both could use some lessons in conflict resolution.

Fighting (to me) is a normal part of a healthy relationship; but I think so many people get defensive during fights that the real problems are never really solved. Instead of it being an opportunity to address problems, its just a * * *-for-tat attack on each other.

When people are angry, they say things they don't mean, usually because they feel disempowered. Saying hurtful things is a way to get that power back.

From what you've written, your problems aren't insurmoutable. I think you might want to seek a premarital counselor, or a marriage counselor to talk about the issues. Don't look at it as going to see a counselor because your marriage is already on the rocks, look at it as preventative medicine.

Anyway thats just my take.

Good luck.

I think that the relationship is on shakey ground--- I would get out of it while you can. I think it will only get worse. Too much happened before getting married. He's got definite doubts---you just got an abortion and he's saying he does not think he should marry you? You need emotional support right now, heavensent (after going through something that I know you grappled with--from what you wrote in your very first post here at enotalone)....not a wishy washy husband.

hosswhispra

I think the abortion has put your relationship under a lot of stress.

I think he is hurt from it and does not know how to express it. (Keep in mind, he became excited about the baby and decided he was "ready "to be a dad) He did support you in your decision, which was good. But there could be a lot of things going on in his mind about morality, etc.

Maybe going tanning to feel good about himself is a much needed distraction for him.

He finally got so fed up with me and asked me why the hell I was even marrying him if I think he's so horrible. Anyway, I gave him my ring and packed a bag and told him I was going to my mother's, but instead I drove around in circles for a half hour until he finally called me. I went home to mend things with him but he told me that he loves me so much but for the first time in our relationship he has doubts about marrying me.

Keep in mind that the argument pushed him into an intense emotional state- maybe he was surprised that you also in essense "called it quits" by giving his ring back.

He finally got so fed up with me and asked me why the hell I was even marrying him if I think he's so horrible

His comment was probably a way for him to test the waters and see if you still loved him. He probably did not expect you to take him up on it. I think his comment was a technique to look for comfort.For example, he wanted you to say to him "you're not horrible", etc. I'm not saying the what he said was right- but it may have threw him for a whirl for you to leave abruptly and give him the ring.

 

He stayed with me and held me all night long and this morning we were great. He left me a note in my purse that told me how much he loves me and that he can't wait to marry me. He says he knows I'm scared that he'll leave but he's not going anywhere.

I feel so insecure and scared and vulnerable right now. I want to marry him more than anything in the entire world. I've never been so excited for anything in my whole life.

 

I think you're both going to be okay.

You've both been through a heck of a lot with this pregnancy. Your emotions are very intense because there is a lot going on hormonally right now.

I think the best thing you and your fiance can do is get some good post-abortion counseling together as a couple.

BellaDonna

Not a red flag to stop the marriage but one that says you need to pull into the pits for some maintenance.

I am sorry you had problems over the abortion but you really went over the top in needling him and that is not a good idea. I think you need some help to understand why you did that. It looks as if you were deliberately picking a fight.

I agree that counselling may help both of you but I think you need some on your own to resolve some of these issues.

BellaDonna gave such a balanced reply---I realize now that mine was not so balanced. Just follow your gut instinct, heavensent.

good luck,

hosswhispra

I don't think it's a red flag for your relationship either, but rather a red flag for yourself.

You just went through a very emotionally wrecking expeirence and it's already taken a small toll on your relationship. I think in the end you'll be fine because it's obvious you still love each other- you both don't want to leave.

Have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist or talking to someone about the way you feel about the abortion?

Maybe you've talked to him and he's shown his support, but maybe you need some neutral ground to gather your thoughts on your own and recharge your batteries.

You don't want to build up the stress and problems until you can't handle them at all.

I think he isn't being as understanding as he should be considering that you just had an abortion. Your feelings are all out of wack, and your soul is hurting. He just doesn't understand.

Honestly, it is a red flag that your relationship needs some maintenance, that's all. And expect that you aren't going to be yourself for the next while. Like everyone had said, having an abortion leaves you very unbalanced in mind for quite some time.

I agree completely with counseling to get through this. It won't just go away on it's own.

I think the others have made some very good points here.

I would also join them in recommending pre-marital counselling.

I think you are both in such a stressful time right now, you are not listening to one another. You are critiquing him for reacting the way he did, but honey you were also needling him, and making him doubt YOUR commitment by giving the ring back. I don't blame him for reacting as he did at all, he was threatened and bullied basically into a reaction. You are attacking each other, on the defensive, and forgetting to listen to one another, and forgetting you are IN this TOGETHER.

You are looking for validation, and I think this is partly due to the insecurities you feel in yourself, and also for the loss of the child. I think he was doing the same, looking for validation and comfort as why you are with him, but you took that and instead also turned that on him.

You are in a power struggle at the moment, and need to take a breath, and both sit down and work through these things...and maybe not get married until they are resolved. Marriage alone will not fix them. Work on them before stepping down that aisle.

Understand he TOO is in pain I am sure, he had wanted this baby as I recall too - it sounds like he supported you in getting it, but both of you need to realize that was not the answer to the problems you have either, and it was not going to make things "secure" again.

Again, I suggest counselling - both of the pre-marital kind, and some kind of grief counselling (post abortion) to work on those feelings as well.

I understand where my problems lie. I used to have very complex trust problems and insecurity issues due to a previous relationship where I was cheated on. However, we worked through these together and I've dropped my controlling ways to a minimum. I'm just concerned about where his problems lie. I feel that I'm the one going through the bulk of the emotions from the abortion, he can't be too stressed about the wedding because I've done ALL the planning and leg-work for it. Sure, I was overpowering, but this happened once and I guess I'm afraid that he was taking it as an excuse out of the marriage as if he had been having doubts or something. But if that were the case, I guess he would have left, right?

Absolutely, things would not have been resolved at all. He would have walked and that would have been it.

Don't worry. You should speak to him about emotions you are going through right now regarding the abortion. They are normal and you need his help to get through it.

I agree with all of you suggesting counseling. Pre-marital however might be a little short winded since we are getting married in about a week and a 1/2. However, I think we need it and maybe a few sessions of each of us on our own as well. It's definitely something I considered the second I started taking abortion as an option..also, I think I still have some inner-trust problems I need to tackle because in emotional situations they come out and take me over, I seriously can't even control it when I get emotional, and that's something I need to work on considerably.

Even if you can get one or 2 sessions in before 2/18. I think it will greatly help.

Is there any way for the 2 of you to get away from it all this weekend?

I think your relationship is in great need of a pre-honeymoon- not a sexual one of course (your body is still recovering)- but just a chance to get away from everything and remind yourself WHY the 2 of you fell in love to begin with.

Maybe you can take a daytrip somewhere or do something stress-free together that you can enjoy. You definitely need to re-connect emotionally.

BellaDonna

You know, you may think that your controlling ways have dropped to a minimum but don't forget that what you may see as a minimum he may eventually see as a deal-breaker. Ideally you would have dropped your controlling ways entirely and you two would have worked out how to have a more balanced relationship.

Don't forget that when you push people they will very often walk away. You pushed him and he very nearly walked away. It's understandable that the abortion has upset you but he may be concerned about how you handle other times that are also highly charged emotionally.

I think you're forgetting one thing... HIS feelings. He came around to the 'baby thing' and was looking forward to being a Dad, and now it's gone. I think he is all mesed up and finds it hard too.

This is a very important time for you both in this relationship. even more difficult seeing as the marriage is so close and this could make of break you both. You need to think and understand how the other feels and talk, talk, talk. Be there for each other, hold each other, support each other.

Heavensent -

I'm sorry to say this but I think you had better give him a big apology and soon. You've both been through a lot and I'm very sorry for all you've been through but, if you love this guy, then that really isn't an excuse for how you treated him. It sounds like you:

1) badgered him at work all that day

2) accused him of cheating because he wanted to get a tan before the wedding

3) attacked him for being a pervert when all he did was bring in the mail

4) he asks why you are treating him this way and you give him back the ring and tell him you are leaving him a week and a half before the wedding, and you actually leave and you don't call to apologize, you make him call you.

5) you raised a bunch of red flags for him to see so he voices his concerns and says you've caused him to doubt the marriage, keep in mind you already left and gave him back the ring, and you just sit there when he tells you this and don't tell him that you don't want him to leave?

I know you are hurting for lots of reasons but I think the fact that he remained supportive after all you put him through that day is amazing. You need to reassure him before the red flags you raised really do some damage. I'm only hearing the story from your side but I can still see why he acted the way he did. He's got to be hurt and I'm sure he is a bundle of mixed emotions over the abortion as well.

Please be nice to him, don't make him do all the work to make this right.

Heaven,

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time with this. The others are right that with an abortion your hormones are out of wack and with the stress of the wedding and the loss of your child you are BOTH going through alot.

I feel that I'm the one going through the bulk of the emotions from the abortion

Physically you bore the brunt of the abortion, but remember that he accepted and was excited about the baby. You BOTH are grieving the loss of a child. You BOTH lost that child. He may not be vocalizing that, but you can be sure he's feeling some pain over it too.

It sounds like you guys came through it now but I agree with others that you both need some counseling on conflict resolution and grief counseling for the loss of your baby.

Good luck.

I understand where my problems lie. I used to have very complex trust problems and insecurity issues due to a previous relationship where I was cheated on. However, we worked through these together and I've dropped my controlling ways to a minimum. I'm just concerned about where his problems lie. I feel that I'm the one going through the bulk of the emotions from the abortion, he can't be too stressed about the wedding because I've done ALL the planning and leg-work for it. Sure, I was overpowering, but this happened once and I guess I'm afraid that he was taking it as an excuse out of the marriage as if he had been having doubts or something. But if that were the case, I guess he would have left, right?

Remember when I said, abortion can also cause more problems in itself that you need to address? You are hitting on them. Of course you are going through the bulk of the emotions, but believe me, HE is too. But realize you may just deal with it differently. I 100% guarantee he is feeling a loss as well. MANY couples separate or drift apart after an abortion because they don't know how to grieve, or they don't feel one is grieving "the right way". But there is no right way.

As for the wedding, it's not the WEDDING he is stressing about - it's the MARRIAGE at this point I think. You two have been together a relatively short time, and really are going through a lot of changes now...this is going past the honeymoon stage now and you are both going through readjusment I believe.

There is a LOT going on here that he is wondering about from the tension, maybe even from the abortion itself. I think that is perfectly normal to be going through.

And, I absolutely agree with ratherbesailing as well.....very well laid out.

I think you also need to see how much was thrown at your fiance too, it was not all coming from him to you. I would of been very upset as well if I was accused of being perverted for bringing in the mail with a Men's Health magazine or something (yes I know Fredericks of Hollywood, but if you are going to accuse him of being a pervert everytime he is exposed to an image, it's going to be a LONG haul for him), and for having a ring thrown back at me which is supposed to symbolize my love & commitment, or for being accused of cheating for wanting to look good and take care of myself....all these little things would of maybe made me wonder what I was getting into as well.

Trust me, he IS hurting too. That was HIS child too. He was excited to have that baby, he was nervous but came around. He probably feels a lot of pain now, for the loss of that child.

Another thought....if he knew you had the abortion because you were not feeling "secure" in the relationship, maybe he is rethinking the relationship too...knowing you must feel THAT unsure that you were willing to abort the pregnancy.

I can tell you that when my wife had a miscarriage I was very upset and it took me some time to get over the idea that a wanted child of ours was not to be born. It is too easy to think that men are not affected by this sort of thing, or that their feelings don't count as much. Men do indeed have feelings and it is not helped by having them discounted because men don't bear the child.

Just an update for everyone. I talked to my fiance about counseling and he thrilled with the idea. He thinks it would be good for us to work through our problems while they still aren't as bad...rather than letting everything escalate until it's just too late to mend. I am going to call some places tomorrow to try to get an appointment scheduled sometime later this week or the beginning of next week. Even one session before the wedding would be helpful. Anyway, I think you all are so great. I love all the insights you provide me and the support. I just want you to know that. Anything else anyone wants to add is greatly appreciated.

I think that's great. The thing to remember about the counselling is that it's purpose should be to show you how to manage the relationship so both of you are happy and help you resolve conflicts without anger and blame. You are on a good path to be able to do that.

Keep us posted - and I hope the wedding day is really happy for both of you.