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my husband likes teen porn, and apparently as crushes on his teen students


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hey all.

here's a quick break-down of what's going on. any and all advice is greatly appreciated. my husband of 1 year (we have been living together for 3 years) is a high school drop out counsellor and an after-school tutor. i know he looks at porn occasionally, which is fine with me- i do too. what bugs me is that he hides it from me. so, anyways, a few weeks back i brought my computer into work to have an IT person clean it out. during this process we found over 10,000 porn files on the computer, many of them being teen porn. now, my husband was working during the day and going to school at night, so when he found the time to look at that much porn is completely beyond me.

so, anyays, i confront him about it and want to know whether he has a crush on any of the teenagers he works with. he doesn't respond to that, but tells me about another crush on another girl at work (she's 23) and lists all these emotional reasons why. i flip out, kick him out of bed. he leaves me a couple of messages the next day acting like nothing happened- i don't call him back. he doesn't come home that night. the next few days are awful- we talk about this crush, about the porn, he keeps changing his story around, blablabla. finally, he tells me he never had a crush on this other girl and the teen porn sites were all of legal age. he tells me he told me he had a crush on jasmine because he was angry with me for thinking he likes teens and was lashing out.

 

so, the next week is great. tons of sex, candles, cooked dinners, the works. he starts going to counselling since he is such an awful communicator. i get him a journal so he can have a safe space to write stuff down. things are going well, except i still have this sneaking suspicion he is lying to me.

 

well, i read his journal. i know, that's bad. but it turns out he has crushes on some of his teenage students. this worries me. and he had a crush on the other girl because he likes her and her body reminds him of me. but he admits to actually having a crush on her, which is significant since we had been fighting about that for weeks, and i just wanted him to tell me the truth. he has consistently lied to me about this, and now i also find out her has crushes on teenage girls at work.

 

so, i am completely disgusted by the fact that he has crushes on his teenage students. am i right to be very concerned? how should i handle this? i think i am going to break it off, which is going to be so hard... i just absolutely don't trust him at all and feel completely betrayed and like i am living with a stranger.

 

please, i need advice.

 

thanks all.

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AB,

 

Welcome to ENA!

 

You have a real good reason to be concerned! Your husband has a problem and needs help. Because of his position and in working with teens in close proximity there could be some legal issues and repercussions if this every got back to his employer. This IT person who worked on your computer, what is your relation to them? Friend, Co-worker or who?

 

Now your husband has admitted to you he has or has had crushes on other co-workers. On your own you have discovered the very thing that you were probably the most afraid of, he has desires for his students as well.

 

There have been may discussions about finding porn on the SO's computer and everyone's take on it. Some say no big deal and others break out the Bible. In this situation, we have a whole new issue. OPPORTUNITY! Having desires is one thing but being in a position where you are looked up to and respected as a member of the education system is very troubling. Now that you are aware of this, you need to take action or you could be implicated as well. You are aware of his teen porn habit as is the IT person that was helping to wipe out the files. If you don't take drastic measures here, this could get real ugly. His accessibility to teens which some are probably still minors and his opportunity to influence them is a great risk. He could be looking at charges for sexual seduction and or molestation if he takes this to the next level.

 

You need to confront him about your findings and his problem. I am concerned as to how long this has been going on and if he has every acted on it and had any involvement with a student. If one comes out, others may as well. The real problem is, you cannot trust him because he has lied about this before. In some ways I believe that he wants help, why else would he ever write about this in a journal, penned by his own hand? He knew you had trust issues and this may be his cry for help.

 

I know that we have teachers and possible administrators of schools here, I hope we can get their take on this and help you with a course of action.

 

If possible, stick around because there may be some questions asked by others.

 

RC

 

PS Getting out is not an option, you have knowledge of his problem and it may only look worse for you. He needs help, help him. If you decide to leave after this all addressed, then go but right now this needs to be handled by both of you.

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I disagree. You got him the journal so he has a safe place to write things down, then you read it and plan on using it against him? That sounds like a planned ambush to me and even if it isn't - that's certainly how he'll react.

 

This doesn't mean I don't think he has a problem. But he needs professional help to overcome this. Is that what the counseling is for? I hope so. Because RelationshipCoach is right, if he takes this to the next level there is a serious problem. With professional intervention he could learn to understand these urges and work to overcome them. Perhaps you should work with him to encourage this counseling and be supportive in helping him overcome this.

 

Is it possible that the reason that he hasn't told you about these feelings is because of intense shame rather than intentional deceit? If so, ambushing him with the journal will probably make him even less likely to tell you things that he is feeling.

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I agree with Avman and RC, but would also like to point something else out: In my opinion, men who have crushes on younger women do so because they have immature relationship skills.

 

It sounds like you and he fight a lot. I would bet money that the things you fight about *feel* real, but have a very deep-seated and different root. It is his lack of ability to be a mature, disicplined, self-controlled, and self-confident man that *I* think is the root. You want him to knock this crap off, because it is disrespectful, lacks self control, makes you distrust him, and also shows that he has no self-confidence. Plus he sounds boring ... boring is a relationship killer.

 

You are, essentially, married to a teenage boy. So he has crushes on other teenage women. Why? Because he feels powerful over them. I think the most successful relationships are where the man feels like a man, not a child. So he is really saying "I'm too immature, and so I focus on young women because it makes me feel powerful." It's like he's never learned how to be with older women - he feels outgunned. He doesn't know how to be more mature. No one even taught him. He has the social skills of a 12 year old in an adult world and relationship.

 

When you fight, and your relationship feels like it is crumbling, this reinforces his feelings of inadequacy. He cannot maintain your marriage because he does not understand that his lack of maturity is what is killing it. Yes, this is all his fault. Yes, you are right to be upset. Yes, he can fix this. But it will take time and he could change into a completely different person.

 

Do you ever feel like he is your child and not your husband? I bet he subconsciously feels like you are his mother, needs your guidance, and you are in charge of things. I don't think relationships like that can survive long because both people have to be equals, both have to make decisions, and both have to be respectful of the other person. But if you dump him it will only reinforce the fact that he cannot have a mature relationship with a mature women, and may prey on younger women even more.

 

What to do, what to do.... ?

 

I'd suggest you seek counseling for HIM to become more adult. For example, have him find a mentor that can teach him how to be more mature, more responsible, more disciplined, have more self control, etc.

 

Me? As another guy, I'd slap some sense into him. I'd tell him that he needs to toss the porn and realize that he is not focusing on YOU. I would tell him he needs to learn how to flirt with you more, please you, and be consistent about it. One week of good behavior is so ... fake. Sorry, I think he needs to do stuff like that on a more regular schedule - at least a few times a month. I would tell him he needs to take you out more often. You should be going out once or twice a week, having a drink or two, maybe dinner, shoot some pool, go miniature golfing, SOMETHING, but to realize that he has a great woman here and needs to WORK to keep her. If he cannot keep his wife, he will begin a track record of failure after failure. Now is the time for him to grow up and realize he has to participate in the marriage, act like a husband, act MUCH more mature, and be a man. He's acting like a scared child now and has to get over that.

 

He also needs to consider getting out of his current profession and into ANYTHING different. That is a recipie for disaster. And not because you said so, but because he needs to realize that this is a problem and his current job only feeds his insecurities and problems. He needs to get an office job or something. Something where he does not have to focus on fixing other peoples problems, and he needs to see someone so he can focus on fixing HIS problems.

 

So ... what do you think? Any truth to that? Anything ring true? I think he needs to grow up, that's all.

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hello friends,

 

thanks again for everyone's comments, and my apologies for not responding earlier. i have been out with a good friend of mine all day, and only got home recently.

 

let me just elaborate on some details, so you have a clearer picture of the context. we are both 25 year old new yorkers. he is a high school drop out prevention counselor and i am an immigration attorney. you can imagine how difficult all this has been for me to stomach since my profession is based on notions of honesty and respect for the law. also, i think it is important to mention (and i may be saying this to make myself feel better) that the teens he works with are 17-22 year olds. they are all kids in the system who are "aging-out" of the public school system and alternative programs need to be figured out.

 

i completely agree with everyone's comments. we just had a talk, and i told him that i am willing to work on anything he tells me, but if he lies to me again, i am out. he decided to let me read his journal, but didn't want to be here when i did it so he is now walking around somewhere. when he gets back, i will ask him about his teen crushes. i don't want to be completely judgemental and equate it with pedaphilia, but the power dynamic of the student/teacher dynamic definitely freaks me out. honestly, i am not sure i can do this.

 

he is a very kind, mellow man. we have known each other since we were 19 (haven't been togethert that long by any means). the power dynamic in our relationship is definitely off- i am a very strong personality and verbalize everything. he is the first partner i have had that i feel i can be completely honest with. i have told him i expect the same from him from the very beginning, and he has led me to believe that our relationship was built on complete honesty. it is most certainly not, and this makes me feel very betrayed.

 

he is definitely emotionally immature. he wants to give me what "i want" but that does not a relationship make! i mean, * * * *, i can get intense, but i feel that my husband should not be such a coward where he cannot share important things with me because he is so afraid of the repurcussions.

 

he comes from a very repressed family- they didn;t even start hugging each other until i showed up. they are wonderful people, but don't talk about things that need to be put out there. i, on the other hand, come from a family that probably says too much, and we hurt each other sometimes, but at least we expose everything, and nothing is bottled up.

 

he is the definitely weaker than i, which has been a problem for us for years. i encourage him to be more open, more courageous, to speak his mind and not be afraid of confrontation, but it's his temperament to not do those things, and sometimes i feel guilty asking him to change.

 

he is an awful, awful communicator. he is the kind of person who puts a band-aid on a gushing wound and expects everything to work itself out. he just doesn't want to deal. in the last few weeks, he's really been trying to show me he can change because i think he has stopped taking me for granted. i am worried that he is only doing counselling to keep me, and not because he really thinks he should change. he is in counselling now to tap into his feelings and to learn how to communicate better, and to figure out who he is. i never knew he was so emotionally repressed, it's really quite amazing. i feel like i am with a complete stranger.

 

this whole teen crush thing is a whole new development. i am curious to see how things go when he comes back. there are obviously intense shame issues for him around this issue... and i am not really sure i can deal with it. i work with teenagers as well and i am worried it will impact my own work since i will constantly be thinking of it.

 

anyways, thank you all for your comments. please, keep them coming.

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well, my husband just told me has had 2 crushes since he has been working with teens- one is 17, the other 18. he has talked with co-workers (also married and in their mid-20s) who say it is not a big deal.

 

anyone out there in the education field who can give me some insight?

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What does he mean when he says "crush" exactly? I'm sure you've seen the way many young high school girls dress these days. School staff are expected to (and should) act in a professional manner, but in the end they're still human beings too. If his attraction to these girls is purely/mostly physical, then maybe this whole thing is being blown out of proportion a little bit. On the other hand, him connecting with these girls on an emotional and personal level would be troubling.

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well, he says it is totally physical. he had one on a student last year and one this year- the last one got transferred to an alternative program a few weeks ago.

after i questioned him about it, he said he masturbated to thoughts of them a couple of times. so i guess it is physical.

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I wouldn't call this pedophilia, although legally it would be if he slept with anyone under 18. To be honest, I bet lots of teachers harbor some thoughts from time to time about their students, including female teachers. Let's face it, has anyone ever seen the movie Varsity Blues?? Those guys were cute!!

 

But...fantasizing and actually acting on these thoughts are two entirely different things. Of course, the problem is he told you he crushes on these young girls, so of course you're now going to always wonder.

 

I'm not sure I advocate knowing every thought in our partner's head is such a good idea for keeping a marriage secure.

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really?

i find it despicable... he is a teacher, and he has desires for his high school students. honestly, if it was friend or something, i might even be able to shrug it off. but it is my partner... this information is too much for me to handle. not only do i not trust him at all, but now i have lost all respect for him. i don't think i can repair this... and i don't think i want to.

 

what troubles me is that he did spend a good amount of time with these girls, in a mentorship capaicyt mind you, so there must have been something about their personalities as well that worked for him, right? or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

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Well, it's my opinion that this isn't much to worry about. I don't think his attraction to these these girls is at all unique. Any heterosexual man with a pulse in his position would be physically attracted to them. Masturbating while thinking of them? Maybe, I don't know. The only thing out of the ordinary I think he did was tell you about it and write it down when someone else could potentially read it. I think we all think of things that others would consider wrong, but they are just thoughts and nothing to be ashamed of. I'm hardly the most religious person in the world, but this makes me think of that saying "Temptation is not a sin."

 

 

or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

 

I can't speak for all men, but I know this is possible. I myself have been physically attracted to women and totally turned off by their maturity/personalities. I would never consider a relationship with them, but that doesn't mean I don't find them physically attractive. Perhaps a common example of this is porn? Of course the women all look physically attractive, but how many guys would actually want anything to do with them?

 

 

That being said, in the end this all comes down to how you feel about this. If you have lost respect for him over this, then perhaps your relationship can't be saved. You should think seriously about it before ending your marriage though, which I'm sure you will...

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Anabanana, trust me - if I knew what you knew, I would be upset and mad and feel threatened, too.

 

But at the same time - I wouldn't be entirely surprised. I would hazard to guess that at least half of the male population has occasionally fantasized about a teen girl. (And when I say "teen girl," please note I'm referring to 16 or 17 years old and up. Anything else is definitely moving into the pedophile zone in my opinion.)

 

But like someguy, what I find unusual is that he actually admitted to his wife that he's masturbated to these fantasies. Maybe he truly did so with good intentions to adhere to your marriage's strict rule for absolute open honesty about everything, but it certainly ended up backfiring on him.

 

At this point, I guess you need to figure out how strong your marriage was before this all came to light. If it was a stable and happy one, chances are you can get through this. If there were major problems before, I'm afraid this could be a crippling blow.

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really?

or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

 

Not always, and neither do women. It's when they start to like someone emotionally and physically, though, that we should be more worried.

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Technically pedophilia is sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children and is aberrant. Lusting after teens may or may not be appropriate, acting on that attraction when much older is usually inappropriate - if in a position such as a teacher it is also illegal.

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or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

 

Often not, no, when it just comes to physical attraction. Some 17 year old women are quite attractive physically. Of course it would be hard to imagine a real emotional or personal connection given the difference in life stages and all that, but in terms of purely physical attraction (that is, appearance, which has nothing to do with personality, really) it's quite common.

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  • 3 weeks later...
really?

i find it despicable... he is a teacher, and he has desires for his high school students. honestly, if it was friend or something, i might even be able to shrug it off. but it is my partner... this information is too much for me to handle. not only do i not trust him at all, but now i have lost all respect for him. i don't think i can repair this... and i don't think i want to.

 

what troubles me is that he did spend a good amount of time with these girls, in a mentorship capaicyt mind you, so there must have been something about their personalities as well that worked for him, right? or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

 

I agree with you, 100%. This isn't a single attraction to one girl, this is a regular attraction to teenage girls. Girls that he has some power and influence over. This is sooo much more then simple attraction, and he knows it, that is why it bothers him. If he doesn't change jobs and get help, it's just a matter of time.............

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