Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 39

Thread: my husband likes teen porn, and apparently as crushes on his teen students

  1. #11
    anabanana
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    38
    thank you all for responding. i just read it all- i've been out of the house all day, had ro get out.
    i will post again in a couple of hours. i really appreciate everyone's insight.

  2. #12
    anabanana
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    38

    reponse

    hello friends,

    thanks again for everyone's comments, and my apologies for not responding earlier. i have been out with a good friend of mine all day, and only got home recently.

    let me just elaborate on some details, so you have a clearer picture of the context. we are both 25 year old new yorkers. he is a high school drop out prevention counselor and i am an immigration attorney. you can imagine how difficult all this has been for me to stomach since my profession is based on notions of honesty and respect for the law. also, i think it is important to mention (and i may be saying this to make myself feel better) that the teens he works with are 17-22 year olds. they are all kids in the system who are "aging-out" of the public school system and alternative programs need to be figured out.

    i completely agree with everyone's comments. we just had a talk, and i told him that i am willing to work on anything he tells me, but if he lies to me again, i am out. he decided to let me read his journal, but didn't want to be here when i did it so he is now walking around somewhere. when he gets back, i will ask him about his teen crushes. i don't want to be completely judgemental and equate it with pedaphilia, but the power dynamic of the student/teacher dynamic definitely freaks me out. honestly, i am not sure i can do this.

    he is a very kind, mellow man. we have known each other since we were 19 (haven't been togethert that long by any means). the power dynamic in our relationship is definitely off- i am a very strong personality and verbalize everything. he is the first partner i have had that i feel i can be completely honest with. i have told him i expect the same from him from the very beginning, and he has led me to believe that our relationship was built on complete honesty. it is most certainly not, and this makes me feel very betrayed.

    he is definitely emotionally immature. he wants to give me what "i want" but that does not a relationship make! i mean, ****, i can get intense, but i feel that my husband should not be such a coward where he cannot share important things with me because he is so afraid of the repurcussions.

    he comes from a very repressed family- they didn;t even start hugging each other until i showed up. they are wonderful people, but don't talk about things that need to be put out there. i, on the other hand, come from a family that probably says too much, and we hurt each other sometimes, but at least we expose everything, and nothing is bottled up.

    he is the definitely weaker than i, which has been a problem for us for years. i encourage him to be more open, more courageous, to speak his mind and not be afraid of confrontation, but it's his temperament to not do those things, and sometimes i feel guilty asking him to change.

    he is an awful, awful communicator. he is the kind of person who puts a band-aid on a gushing wound and expects everything to work itself out. he just doesn't want to deal. in the last few weeks, he's really been trying to show me he can change because i think he has stopped taking me for granted. i am worried that he is only doing counselling to keep me, and not because he really thinks he should change. he is in counselling now to tap into his feelings and to learn how to communicate better, and to figure out who he is. i never knew he was so emotionally repressed, it's really quite amazing. i feel like i am with a complete stranger.

    this whole teen crush thing is a whole new development. i am curious to see how things go when he comes back. there are obviously intense shame issues for him around this issue... and i am not really sure i can deal with it. i work with teenagers as well and i am worried it will impact my own work since i will constantly be thinking of it.

    anyways, thank you all for your comments. please, keep them coming.

  3. #13
    DN

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    42,515
    Thanked
    5
    i think it is important that a differentiation is made between what he is doing and pedophilia and I glad you are doing that.
    link removed

  4. #14
    anabanana
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    38

    update

    well, my husband just told me has had 2 crushes since he has been working with teens- one is 17, the other 18. he has talked with co-workers (also married and in their mid-20s) who say it is not a big deal.

    anyone out there in the education field who can give me some insight?

  5. #15
    RandomAdvisor
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    East Coast
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,582
    Gender
    Male
    What does he mean when he says "crush" exactly? I'm sure you've seen the way many young high school girls dress these days. School staff are expected to (and should) act in a professional manner, but in the end they're still human beings too. If his attraction to these girls is purely/mostly physical, then maybe this whole thing is being blown out of proportion a little bit. On the other hand, him connecting with these girls on an emotional and personal level would be troubling.

  6. #16
    anabanana
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    38
    well, he says it is totally physical. he had one on a student last year and one this year- the last one got transferred to an alternative program a few weeks ago.
    after i questioned him about it, he said he masturbated to thoughts of them a couple of times. so i guess it is physical.

  7. #17
    Scout
    Platinum Member Scout's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Colorado
    Age
    47
    Posts
    6,969
    Gender
    Female
    I wouldn't call this pedophilia, although legally it would be if he slept with anyone under 18. To be honest, I bet lots of teachers harbor some thoughts from time to time about their students, including female teachers. Let's face it, has anyone ever seen the movie Varsity Blues?? Those guys were cute!!

    But...fantasizing and actually acting on these thoughts are two entirely different things. Of course, the problem is he told you he crushes on these young girls, so of course you're now going to always wonder.

    I'm not sure I advocate knowing every thought in our partner's head is such a good idea for keeping a marriage secure.

  8. #18
    RandomAdvisor
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    East Coast
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,582
    Gender
    Male
    If it's purely physical then I really wouldn't worry about his attraction to these girls.

  9. #19
    anabanana
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    38
    really?
    i find it despicable... he is a teacher, and he has desires for his high school students. honestly, if it was friend or something, i might even be able to shrug it off. but it is my partner... this information is too much for me to handle. not only do i not trust him at all, but now i have lost all respect for him. i don't think i can repair this... and i don't think i want to.

    what troubles me is that he did spend a good amount of time with these girls, in a mentorship capaicyt mind you, so there must have been something about their personalities as well that worked for him, right? or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

  10. #20
    RandomAdvisor
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    East Coast
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,582
    Gender
    Male
    Well, it's my opinion that this isn't much to worry about. I don't think his attraction to these these girls is at all unique. Any heterosexual man with a pulse in his position would be physically attracted to them. Masturbating while thinking of them? Maybe, I don't know. The only thing out of the ordinary I think he did was tell you about it and write it down when someone else could potentially read it. I think we all think of things that others would consider wrong, but they are just thoughts and nothing to be ashamed of. I'm hardly the most religious person in the world, but this makes me think of that saying "Temptation is not a sin."


    or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?
    I can't speak for all men, but I know this is possible. I myself have been physically attracted to women and totally turned off by their maturity/personalities. I would never consider a relationship with them, but that doesn't mean I don't find them physically attractive. Perhaps a common example of this is porn? Of course the women all look physically attractive, but how many guys would actually want anything to do with them?


    That being said, in the end this all comes down to how you feel about this. If you have lost respect for him over this, then perhaps your relationship can't be saved. You should think seriously about it before ending your marriage though, which I'm sure you will...
    Last edited by RandomAdvisor; 02-06-2006 at 07:29 PM.

  11.  

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Top Threads
It's long, but please, I need all the help I can get.
I'm 32 years old and have been in a relationship for 6 years. My daughter and I live with my boyfriend in a very nice house that we bought together
My boyfriend doesn't believe I was raped by my ex.
I've known my boyfriend since I was 8 years old. Our families were super close and I was head over heels for him. We recently got reconnected a few
Being made to feel guilty for not wanting to have sex
Okay. So, my boyfriend frequently gets mad if I don't want to have sex when he does, and he will sulk and make me feel guilty and treat me poorly all
My boyfriend suggested breaking up
Hi everyone. So I have finally had a discussion with my boyfriend about how it bothers me that he hangs out with other girls one-on-one a lot. So it
Objective Opinion please?
I guess this is a somewhat petty argument in the grand scheme of things but I'd like to get a few objective opinions here because I feel like doing
Should I try to work it out
I've been dating this girl for a year and we both had marriage in our sights but recently I found out we are distant cousins. My great aunt is her
She still lives with her ex
I met this wonderful woman who stole my heart and we got engaged less than 4 months into the relationship. I did say yes because I love her and I
Featured Threads
I would kill just to talk to her again:(
I know, it's pathetic. But it's been 6-7 weeks, post breakup, and I text her only once during that time, which was a short and uplifting text, but to
One year after my wife left, am I ready to move on?
My three year marriage came to an end about a year ago. During the three years, we were very happy, mainly because I was extremely giving. She came
Girlfriend Problems
My friend and I have had a "thing" for about a year now and we're technically dating. We both love each other and we've grown very comfortable around
Too much confusion...
About month ago I felt perfect , everything was going just fine, I mostly stopped thinking about my ex,and then bam - she contacted me. She contacted
Did I do the right thing? Dating a guy with kids whos living with his baby mama
Okay so basically I struck up a friendship with someone online who told me he had three kids and he was still living with his baby mama. The big red
How to make things up with my family?
Hi all, About a couple of weeks ago, I had an argument with my parents that escalated into something way bigger than it should have been, and
She isn't happy with me anymore.
Hi, I just found out about this site and I decided to ask you guys for help. I've been dating a girl for 4 months. She has anxiety and sometimes gets
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •