i have this urge to hurt myself. slash my wrists or something to punish myself for all the rotten bull**** that i've gone through in the past couple of years. mostly it has to do with being bullied when i was younger, being exploited by men and used sexually when i got older, and being used by "friends" and surrounded by ppl who wanted to exploit me for my uses.
i come from a really good family so i was sheltered. when i got out in the real world, i didnt know how to protect myself. so now......i want to hurt myself. i want to kill myself. i want to die. but i also want to live. but mostly i just want to hurt myself to punish myself for not protecting myself. for letting bad ppl have access to me without cutting them off because of my pathetic fear of being lonely. i hate men. especially exploitative, manipulative, abusive men.
i feel like trash. though ironically i know that it is them who are the real trash to even think of treating another human being the way they did. deep down inside, at least i know i would not do that to another person.
so there it goes, i want to hurt myself. i want to restart my life over. i want to erase these memories. i want to kill all those disgusting vile men and people for the agony and anguish, torment they have caused me.
i hate myself because of what has been done to me. i am sick of abuse. i will never let myself be abused again but i am so wound up because of all that happened before. i feel like trash. i feel so dirty and disgusting. i wash and wash but i dont feel clean. i am tormented by demons.