Chemistry..?

So how important is chemistry for a successful long term marriage?

I've spent some time wondering about what qualities I can and cannot ultimately live with in a partner, and my list is enormous. I've finally met someone who has everything I'm looking for...he's handsome, kind, intelligent, respectful......and the list goes on. And, he's very serious about me.

The only problem is that theres no real chemistry from my end. So is chemistry really important? Or is passion really something that fades for everyone, leaving behind mutual respect and consideration as the pillars for long-lasting love? For those of you who are married, what really keeps your marriage going?

Sometimes I think I can't live without the passion....then, I think maybe I'm chasing a foolish dream of a fairy tale ending.

So how important is chemistry for a successful long term marriage?

 

I've spent some time wondering about what qualities I can and cannot ultimately live with in a partner, and my list is enormous. I've finally met someone who has everything I'm looking for...he's handsome, kind, intelligent, respectful......and the list goes on. And, he's very serious about me.

 

The only problem is that theres no real chemistry from my end. So is chemistry really important? Or is passion really something that fades for everyone, leaving behind mutual respect and consideration as the pillars for long-lasting love? For those of you who are married, what really keeps your marriage going?

 

Sometimes I think I can't live without the passion....then, I think maybe I'm chasing a foolish dream of a fairy tale ending.

I think "chemistry" is important, but everyone has a different idea of even what "chemistry" is. For me it's the ability to truly enjoy one anothers company, to have passion yes, but also to be able to listen to one another, truly be interested in one another, and to have a sense of "belonging" basically.

For me, it's when they just feel like "home" and when we just fit together.

Every long term relationship is different too, and what people accept and have is different. In my experience passion is an undercurrent, sometimes stronger then other times as your relationship matures and changes over time, and it's that companionship love, that respect, communication, the ability to listen, mutual consideration, partnership, shared values, goals and so forth that truly are what make you strong and "together".

Some put a priority on passion, and little on the rest, so when the passion is not as strong as other times (during stressful times for example) they second guess things. Or perhaps they find without passion, there is nothing.

What counts is what you believe, and what your standards are. What do YOU need. I do think chemistry is important, most definitely, so if you are not "feeling it" that could be something you regret later on or suddenly feel a need for, but only you can make those decisions for yourself.

For me, it's important to have passion/chemistry and that long term companionship love, friendship, partnership, reciprocal love, compatibilities and respect...and I would not want to settle for less than that. And I haven't. There is no rush when it comes to meeting the right one for you. If you really feel something is missing, don't force yourself to stay where you feel that absense. When it's right, it all fits, but just don't allow passion and chemistry to blind you to the other requirements!

Personally, I would not settle. Would rather wait longer for the right one, then settle for the wrong one.

"Chemistry," also known as "what we have in common" is very important for any relationship to last. Initially, differences can make things interesting but those differences likely can't sustain a relationship long-term. There are a few staples that create "dealbreakers." Those are similar morals/values, religion, financial responsibility, and education. Figure out which ones you will tolerate, which ones you won't, and go from there. Good luck.

So is chemistry really important?

You can talk yourself into thinking it'll be ok because he's all those other great things....and it'll be fine.....until the day you meet someone and you DO feel that spark....or the day you notice a couple who has that spark and you feel a pang of envy because you don't have it.

I don't think it's smart to go on chemistry alone. I can think of at least a half dozen times when going on chemistry alone has gotten me into various messes. But I also think going to the other extreme -- no chemistry -- isn't smart either. It probably feels safer...like it's a surer bet...but over the long haul, I think it's more likely to lead to you feeling like something's missing.

Even though the last bf I had before I met my husband wasn't exactly a stellar relationship, I do know that my ex did rate low on the chemistry scale compared to other relationships I'd been with.

After about a year with the ex-bf, I started seeing other couples who'd been together for a while and I noticed they had something I didn't have. I rationalized it, saying what I had was more "grounded" and "saner" and "not a roller coaster ride"...or I rationalized it by focusing on all the material things my ex provided. (He was older than me and was quite well off financially) But, still, I'd catch myself looking at those other couples and kinda wishing I could have something like that for myself.

When I met my husband, the chemistry was immediate. There were a couple things about him that weren't on my "want" list (he's 11 years younger than me, divorced from an early marriage with kids), but as it turns out those things weren't as important as I thought they were.

I used to do that make a list of ideal traits thing, too. But you can never, ever list off ALL the traits you want...and sometimes the things you think you want aren't really the things you need or the things that will make you really happy. By all means, have a list...it does help narrow your focus...but don't be a slave to the list, either.

Anyway, I don't think it's asking for/expecting too much to be with someone who's got the basics of being a good partner for you PLUS having chemistry with the same person. It'll probably take longer to find the person who meets that criteria...but for me, it was well worth the wait.

I think Chemistry is very important in a marriage.

Whether your definition of Chemistry is about passion, or having things in common- Chemistry is what keeps you smiling. Chemistry makes you happy when your husband comes home each day and happy to hear his voice. It keeps you in love- and does not let you drown in the monotony of everyday life.

However:

mutual respect and consideration

is also extremely important. A marriage can't last without that.

But Chemistry and mutal respect/consideration (companionate love) do not have to mutually exclusive. I think the best marriages have good doses of both.

I have found Chemistry to be really important in my own marriage. Though I've been married under 3 years (still technically "newlyweds"), we've been together for 10 years.

BellaDonna

Thanks for your responses everyone.

Shes2Smart,

I think you probably best described what I'm feeling right now. I've tried rationalizing it over and over in my head, telling myself that he'll make a great husband, he'll always dote over me, be a good family man...and that these things are what any girl would love to have. And, I really do enjoy his company because he's intelligent, has alot to say, and is very outgoing.

But its a bad feeling I cant shake off sometimes...like when he tries to kiss me. Instead of enjoying it, I feel like I'm doing it out of obligation, or that I'm just reciprocating somehow for all the nice things he's done for me. I didn't feel this way in the beginning though, so then I wonder if maybe its some psychological switch I can turn on or off? I wish I knew where the on switch was!

I think I've identified the types of things that turn me off....but I wonder if its worth mentioning to him (I feel like he would do and change anything right now just to keep me around). They're very simple things, and very subtle. I guess overall he just reminds me of a little boy, whose heart I dont want to break instead of a man. For example, sometimes when he's trying to be affectionate, he'll hug me, and sort of put his head on that spot between my neck and collarbone...or plant grandma kisses on my lips. Whereas, I'd much rather that I be the one putting my head on his neck....or that he'd be a little more aggressive/passionate when kissing me.

Anyway, I suppose these things can be learned, but, I don't want to hurt his feelings, or really have to change him.

I guess I'm confused. My family and friends think I'm crazy for feeling this way when he's such a wonderful guy, and tell me things like I'll end up alone if I continue to be this picky. So those sorts of comments weigh on me also.

Hi Happyphantom, this sounds very much like how I felt about someone I was with for four years - the relationship eventually ended it because he grew to feel the same way. In the beginning he was everything I'd ever wanted, and although we still loved eachother when we broke up, I knew that deep down if we did get married I would spend the rest of my life wondering whether there was something missing, and something better out there. In part for me this was probably because it was my first serious relationship. I can understand the point of view of your friends and family, but in the end you can only learn from your own experience and you have to follow your heart.

However, if you have had some chemistry in the past then there may be things you can do to reignite that. I can identify a lot with your relationship, it seems to me that you are too much in the comfort zone. Do you think perhaps you are beginning to take him for granted in a way? Just before my boyfriend ended things I started seeing him in a different light & felt much more physically attracted to him than I had done for a while. Looking back I think on some level I must have sensed that he was pulling away and I found that more attractive?!

I'm not saying this because I think you should break up with him. I just know that if we had dealt with the problems earlier we might have been able to work things out. Try and talk to him about it, there are no easy answers but maybe if he is more aware of the situation he will make an effort to get some of the spark back.

Chemistry is a word thrown around and yet, no one really knows what it means. What one person describes it as, won't be the same as another persons description.

What makes a relationship work is the connection that you have. It is having things in common, sharing the same basic values and beliefs. It is in being able to trust one another and open up to each other. It is having open and honest communication, actually listening to each other and making efforts to deal with any problems that may come up.

It sounds to me like you have a different idea of how he should be showing his love to you. He is more gentle and affectionate. That doesn't make him any less of a man or mean he loves you any less. It is simply his way of showing he loves you. I think what is more important is how he treats you. Does he let you know he loves you? Is he there for you when you need him? That's what is important. But if it really bugs you, let him know. A relationship needs both people to be able to bring up issues like this and work through them. Otherwise, you will keep on feeling this way, and it will just cause more problems down the road. Address things when they are still small, so they don't become larger issues later on.

Hope you can work things out happyphantom.