she says she loves me, how can I get her back?

We would have been together for 13 years this spring. We were 18 when we met, moved in together a week after we started dating and had our first daughter at the age of 19; the second came 9 years later. Being so young and both high school dropouts, we both had trouble making money with the jobs we had to settle for. So when I had finally been promoted to assistant manager at my retail job, she got her GED and started going to nursing school. when she graduated, we decided together that, given my lack of education and her substantial income from her new job, that it would be in our best interest for me to take a demotion and cut in hours to watch the kids in the evenings, eliminating the need for a babysitter. And it actually worked out quite nicely for a few years.

Then in the past half a year or more, things started to change. We were to the point where we almost never saw each other, because of our work schedules and the fact that started spending more time with her family, some of who recently moved to our state. I started spending a lot more time alone in my computer room, chain smoking and playing games. I stopped cleaning house and found myself snapping at her about petty little things. I didn't understand at the time why she didn't want to spend time with me, or why I was so angry with her. We could barely even manage a civil conversation and lovemaking became infrequent and hurried.

Finally, I started thinking that perhaps she had found someone else...and when I confronted her about it, I was could NOT have been more angry or rude. In thirteen years I had never said the types of things I said to her that night...and what was worse, I had no real grounds for suspicion. That's when my life changed...she spun around and screamed "I'm not cheating on you, I'm just not attracted to you anymore, I don't love you!" After trying to recover from the shock of those words, I asked why. She said it was because I wasn't doing anything with my life, I wasn't going to school, I smoked too much, I had a low paying part-time job and I never helped around the house.

Not 24 hours later, she came with her aunt, took the kids and left to go live with her. I called her aunt's house that night to talk to my oldest daughter and her aunt proceeded to tell me how much my girlfriend loved me and wanted me to better my life. When I told her what had been said the night before, she told me not to give up on her, that she had just talked to her and that I hadn't lost anything. She said that my g/f felt that this was the only way I would get up and do something with my life. She also said that she wants to live apart for a year, that I should move out of our home and find an apartment I can afford, buy a car and concentrate on going to school.

I actually talked to my g/f a few hours ago on the phone (I tried to go longer than 2 days without calling her but I couldn't) and I told her I wasn't going to give up on us, and when I asked if she still loved me, she said yes. But when I asked if we could work on us and try to be a couple while living apart, she said that she didn't know and that she needed more time. Granted, this has happened within the past few days, but I feel like I deserve an answer from her. I've got so much going on now, meetings with college admission and financial aid reps, trying to find a job that can schedule me around either a day or night class schedule and trying to pay the rent so my daughters have a place to visit me. I feel like I can't concentrate on anything, because all I can think about is how I don't even know if the woman I spent almost half my life with will ever come back to me.

I get to see her and the girls tomorrow (crossed fingers) and I don't know what to say to her. I already asked if maybe she would want to go out to dinner on valentine's day, but she said she had to work. Then I asked her if she would have if she were off, she said again that she didn't know, and again that she needed more time. So not knowing how to proceed, I'm going to finish cleaning the house and wait to see what happens tomorrow.

any insight would be appreciated. If I back off and give her some space, is there a chance? Or are we better off apart?

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It takes A LOT of effort on YOUR part doing what your'e doing right now. You have A LOT to be proud of. I can see that you love your GF a lot.

As an outsider, I don't have much insight as to all of the what, hows, and whys of the relationship..only thing I can say is- you can tell a lot by a person's actions. Her actions to up and leave like that says that she's obviously fed up. Hope I'm not being blunt. I hate giving sugar-coated advice. Basically, she felt really fed up. Is she currently working as an RN or a CN?

If she's an RN, I can see that she's got a lot of stress. And, as for your gut feeling of her meeting someone new or not, I hate to break it to you, but it does seem as though that is the case. Otherwise, why the change of heart? Doesn't mean that she's cheating or cheated on you. It doesn't mean that she's in a new relationship. It just means that she realizes that something is just fundamentally wrong about your relationship. Either that, or she just fell out of love. I don't know if she can ever rekindle those feelings. Were you romantic with her during those 13 years? Did you periodically surprise her with flowers?

Sometimes, when we feel as though our partners take us for granted- it makes us want to leave the relationship. You know how the saying goes, "People always want what they can't have"? That crap isn't always true. Based on my personal experience, this is ABSOLUTELY NOT the case. When someone takes me for granted- not only do I lose respect for them, but I also lose interest as well. The reverse happens in my case- if a person simply shows me that they don't want me, I don't want them. Most people think that the oppossite is true- not wanting a person makes the other person want them more. Hope I'm not confusing ya!

I get this feeling that she felt taken for granted of, and for her change of heart- it could be too late. I also get this feeling that her change of heart is independent to whether or not she met someone new. I think it has more to do with her just feeling tired of both of your lives going nowhere, so to speak.

You guys have been together for 13 years, which gives the relationship solid footing on that merit alone. This is good I think...

My advice is that you really dig deep, explore your feelings and observations about the relationship and ask the hard questions and get the hard answers. Lay it all out there and try to take a step at least towards a resolution. Talking. That is the key.

Since you guys have been together for so long and since high school, I think she might be feeling like she's missed out on life all these years, like she's missed out on meeting other guys and seeing what else is out there by dating different guys and having different experiences. It may not be your fault.

But in order to work towards a resolution, you need to know what to work with. So again, you need to approach her in a non-confrontational manner, suck up your pride, seek to get information, play it by ear, and do your best...

Thanks for the insight and kind words, it's nice to know that even on the internet, there are people compassionate enough to help a wounded stranger. Your insight hasn't fallen on deaf ears.

She brought the girls sunday morning and left right away...no big surprise there. I enjoyed the day with them, we played, watched cartoons, had a nice lunch and dinner and talked. She came around 9pm and had a cup of coffee with me and we talked for about 20 minutes. She told me that she still loves me and wants to work on us, but that I had really hurt her with my accusations and that she needed time to think because she was confused and hurt. She also asked if I would quit smoking; that made me feel better, the thought that she wouldn't be trying to fix a problem that would have no effect on her if she was out of my life for good. I of course agreed, saying that I would get on the patch or that gum or something and that I would taper off from there. She told me that it didn't mean she would be back in a few weeks or anything, but that it was something that had been contributing to her overall unhappiness with our relationship. The overall gist of the conversation was "give me some time to think about us and to get over how bad you hurt me, and take that time to improve upon yourself"

On a related note, I got a full recommendation from the admissions rep, I go thursday to start filling out financial aid applications. I called her to tell her the good news and she said she was really excited...and I made the decision that I would NOT call her again unless it involved setting up a visit with my children. It hurts too much to talk to her and I feel like if I give her time like she asked, it'll also give her time to really miss me. I'll be seeing her tomorrow, she's dropping off the baby so we can spend the day together while she's at work, and the only thing I plan to say to her is "thanks for bringing her down, pick her up whenever you're ready".

I had planned on asking her out for valentine's day, or getting her a present, but then changed my mind. She knows the door's open, if she's ready, she can let me know...if not, I'll go out without her.

Yep...I just made it worse...what the hell is wrong with me? I was going to be strong today when she dropped off the baby, but I started to talk to her about everything I've gotten done in the past few days and told her I wished she was around to see how hard I'm pushing myself. Then I told her that I missed her, to which she replied simply that she needed more time...and I just couldn't let it go. I started trying to reason with her and convince her to come home and it made everything worse. She said that I had to stop calling her every day and to give her time to think. I asked her what she needed to think about and she said whether or not we were better off apart. I asked if there was anything I could do to convince her, she of course said no...she said to give her a year.

I feel like we won't last a year apart, that she won't come home and that I've already lost her. A year from now, my youngest will be 3 and a half, and she'll only know me as the guy she visits once or twice a week. She will have settled with the girls in her aunt's house or wherever and just moved on...How do I give her the time and space she wants without going out of my mind worrying about our future together? Is it possible that she really doesn't love me after all these years, and she's just saying she does because she doesn't want to hurt me any further? I mean, I know I shouldn't call her, but when she told me she does still love me but she wanted me to get my life together, I saw hope there, and today I grasped at that hope and made it worse.. I just feel like she needs to know how much I love her and how much effort I'm putting forth to express my regret and make her happy. She said she'd make time to talk to me tonight when she comes for the baby, what do I say to her?

What you need is intelligence. And putting your life on a higher lvl. She is working her as off to sustain the family and gets scolded when she comes back. Imagine you worked hard for 9 hours, you come back and get yelled at into your face.

I think your life has put you down, your basically in a rut and living an inactive unproductive lifestyle, you need to be a productive partner, on who she can count on. You should only bring love and light into the relationship, save your relationship while you still can!, not by being clingy, but by showing that you are a real man that can take care of himself. You need to jump out of the downward spiral and bring happyness around the house. Quitting smoking, and getting a productive lifestyle, not making promises but just actually making a change for the better, make her believe in you as a husband again.

Of course you're right...about everything. I took her for granted and what's worse, I was miserable with myself and tried to feel better by dragging her down with me. I should've been tired of my routine long before she was. I always thought that there was time and that when the time and need arose for me to go out and make a change, that we would talk and work things out together. Now that I'm enrolling in school and looking for a better job, I'm scared that it's too little too late, and that she sees it all as just an attempt to appease her and win her back. I just want her to know that I've gained some perspective through this, that I regret how I let things get and that she was right about everything. If I had known it would be this way, I would've gotten off my as a long time ago, and if she ever does decide to give me another chance, i will do everything I can to make her happy. I felt like telling her all this would prompt a change in heart, but she either doesn't believe me or doesn't care. I'm not going to beg and plead with her anymore, I'm only going to call her when it involves a visit with my children, but I need to know whether or not to call her when I've achieved what I waited so long to set out doing...

You are definitely doing the right thing by getting yourself together. Not to offend, but it sounds like you really let yourself go. Going back to school and working hard will raise your self confidence.

It sounds as if she wants a 'partner', not a child. She already takes care of people all day long and then takes care of the children, the last thing she needs to do is take care of you.

Do not put pressure on her or the relationship. Trust me, she will see the changes in you without being told what you have accomplished. Pointing them out only makes you sound insecure, like you are trying to prove something. Give her all the space she needs and show her how strong you are and that you can be independent. Approach this as if you need to get on with your life by yourself and do what you would need to do for that to happen. If you can keep that focus, while still keeping an open heart, you stand a much greater chance of showing her the man she fell in love with.

Best wishes

NJRon, thanks for your advice and best wishes, I assure you I'm not the type to be offended by the truth. I HAD let myself go and she had every right to be fed up.

I just came home from school, my financial aid went thru and I start school in 11 days. I was considering calling her to tell her, but your post pushed me back over to the NC side of the fence. I'm supposed to see her tomorrow when I visit the baby, but I'm just going to apologize for yesterday and tell her that I won't try to call her unless it's about our children. The fact that she doesn't want me to call means to me that she doesn't want to hear what I've gotten done anyway, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'll just take the year to try and get over her. She asked me yesterday something along the lines of "if you decide to start seeing other people, would you not tell me about it?" and I keep asking myself why she said that? I haven't once said I wanted to date other people and I don't know if it's her way of telling me to move on...or asking me not to. I'm sure I'll change my mind many times about this, and go round and round, but today, right now, I feel like all hope for us is lost, and now all that's left is to hope to find a better job so that I can keep my home and see my kids.

I think you're doing the right things. Focus on your priorities. You, your children, your home, your financial security and your schooling. That's plenty to work on at one time.

Don't read into anything she says right now. This is a weird time and people say things they don't mean, or that sound odd. Besides, after 13 years of being together, I doubt you are in any kind of position to see anyone else and I would really recommend against it, as it will just distract you from taking care of business.

Start keeping secrets. Not bad secrets. Little secrets about your successes. Sure, you went to the gym yesterday, or finally organized the kitchen, or cleaned the bathroom or started school. Those are yours! Not hers. Treasure them. Allow your successes to work their power on you. Don't be too ready to just give them away.

Take the year to focus on yourself. There's no reason to focus on "getting over her". By focusing on yourself you will naturally move on. This is a good opportunity for healing.

This is my take on why she said what she said (and it's pure conjecture because I don't know you two) - She's probably not trying to get you to move on, or to not move on. She's just going to sit there, try to get herself together so she can be there for her children, and watch what you do. Her saying that is just letting you know that it would hurt her feelings if you told her. That's all. She's not making any rules here... she just wants to see what kind of person you really are so she can make the decisions she needs to make that are right for herself and her children.

You're as right as can be about not being in a position to see other people...it's funny how pretty girls seem a lot less pretty to me now that I'm free to approach them. I'm really hoping I can be strong in the morning when I see her. Sitting here right now, I plan to keep it polite, casual and brief. But whenever I see her face, even tho it's a lot sterner lately, I just want to replay that broken record again...I have no clue what to say to her that doesn't involve how I'm feeling, what I'm doing to change, or how sorry I am for letting it come to this...no new material there.

Oh, and BTW, finding this site is one of the only good things to come out of this mess. I've got no family to talk about this with and I've been trying to stay away from friends that know us, because I don't want to be seen when all broken down and miserable. I'm already tired of people at work asking me if I'm on a diet.

Yeah, me too. When my relationship broke up, this was the only place I had to go. I had no family or friends at all. It's great therapy for me to be able to share my own experiences with others. Finally, a place where there is value in the years of messed up relationships and thousands of mistakes I have made

I really feel for you mate, thats a hard thing to go through. I went through something very similar about six months ago. Almost identical to what you did. One day its all fine, the next its over. But of course, we're men, and we cant read those tiny signals women send to us to say "hey! wake up! things are not ok here!"

ok, my advise to you: You have a LONGTERM relationship which does not just die that fast. You have children together. Its most likely NOT over. I tiured and tired with my wife. People here were telling me: Assume the relationship is over and focus on yourself and your child. I found that VERY hard to do and pretty much couldnt do it. It did NO go. She just stood her ground and didnt move. But you know what, one day I just thought to myself: thats it. Its over. and I started to move ona nd forget about it. Two weeks later we ended up talking (I went to get my son), and she started to cry and told me she loved me and wanted this to work and we ended up talking for a LONG time and finding all our problems and talking about what we should do about them. Now , all is great. In fact, the "break up" was the best thing we ever did.

Hold on mate! Just give her some space and time. remind her every now and again, you still love her and want to fix whats wrong with your marriage. But dont be pushy and most of all: give her space! I know its easier said than done, but it really is the best thing to do.

I have periods where I get real hopeful that it will turn out that way...she tells me a year, sees me get cleaned up, starts to miss me and shows up one day with the girls. But then all this time alone just lets me think too much and I start doubting and worrying. She already says she loves me, but as NJRon said, I think too hard and read too much into the other things she says. I just fell helpless and I try to find any hope I can...all the years between us, our kids, anything I can think of to make her feel what she must've felt to have been with me for so long.

Then also there's the guilt. The fact that I made her so unhappy that she felt the only thing she could do was to take our girls and go live with her aunt and her three kids out in the middle of nowhere. And I start to worry that if things got so rough that she had to move out and put my daughter in another school, that maybe it's too late to fix it.

Confusedashell, your post gives me some hope back. And I'll take as much as I can, however fleeting it may be in my mental state. The fact that you worked things out and made it for the better, and then came online to give ppl like me some strength shows that you're a good guy and you deserved to get the girl. I just don't know if I feel like I deserve too, and maybe she doesn't either. It's been a long time since I gave her any reason to believe in me...

She called today to cancel the visit, due to car trouble. I'm miserable...all day I looked forward to seeing her for a minute and spending the day with the baby. I called later to talk to my older daughter and she said that they were going to try and come on sunday. On top of that, her sister came over today to use the computer and told me that they had talked yesterday about us, and she's still saying a year no matter what. She also said that she was talking about how I would have to find a roommate if I wanted to keep the house...I really didn't need to hear that. Not after waiting around all day hoping like that.

I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but I got a weird phone call a few minutes after talking to my daughter. A woman I don't know asked for me by name, then told me that someone wanted her to tell me something. She asked me to hold on, and after a few seconds of silence, I said that I didn't see where this was going and asked who she was, to which she replied "I'm sorry" and hung up. Probably nothing, but I can't help noticing the timing. I tried to star 69, but the call came from outside the area of that service.

That's a really weird call. I imagine if it is important, they will call back. What's that about needing a roommate? Is it because you can't maintain the house on your own?

Yeah, because of our prior arrangement with me providing evening child care where she works, I'm still working where there is very limited payroll distributed over several employees. I need to make a couple hundred dollars a week more than I am to pay the rent and keep the essential utilities up, and the job market here is pretty bleak, especially considering my school schedule.

I got the feeling that living in this house for almost five years was another thing she was tired of, and I told her that we could move wherever she wanted to. But for the moment, our home is all I have left and I don't want to lose it now, especially while going to school and looking for work.

I'm having a sort of rough morning, I've been up since 7am and I really miss them. I really want to call my daughter, but I don't want them to think I'm not giving them enough space. I also want to talk to my g/f but I feel that enough has been said recently and I'm not feeling real good about my chances of her calling me. It's saturday so there's not much I can get out and do on the job front, but I feel like waiting around for a phone call from my daughter or her might drive me to depression.

She just came by...she was looking for a check book and an envelope with her car papers. We talked for a minute and I (somehow) brought the convo around to us again. I couldn't help it. I told her I wasn't pressuring her to come home, but wanted her to know wwhat I was willing to do to put us back together, for us and the girls. She said that our oldest daughter liked her new school (which my daughter has told me isn't true) and that she wasn't going to switch her back. I told her that I was willing to move wherever she wants, that I still wanted to get married and that the kids needed their daddy with them.

She again said that she needed more time, that she was confused about everything. When I asked her what she was confused about, she said that she didn't want to say something now that she would regret later. When I asked if that included saying she loved me or would give us another chance, she teared up and left.

She dropped off the girls today and left for work in a hurry without looking back. I didn't try to say anything to her, and wouldn't have had time to if I ried. Had a nice day with the girls, the baby is sick so I got a lot of daddy cuddles today. She came back after work, asked how the baby ate, woke our oldest daughter and began to bundle the baby up and take her to the car. Didn't even take the time to put on her jacket...again, I said nothing about us. I had honestly hoped that the familiarity of coming home from work and finding the girls asleep in their beds would've broke her down a little, but she rushed on about her business. My older daughter began to cry a little about having to leave, but she simply told her that she had school tomorrow and that it was time to go.

Was there something I should have said? I haven't been calling her for a couple of days, and I'm not sure how NC apllies to couples who still see each other regularly. I'm trying not to put pressure on her, but I feel like if I see her so much, there must be something I should be doing or saying.

No, I think you did fine. There's nothing to talk about or say, aspecially when the whole family is there. If she wanted to talk, she would have. It was probably very hard on her, hence why she just wanted to come in and go.

It's good taht you haven't been calling her and giving her space. If she wonders, she will ask you. You guys are still having contact of sorts, and, eventually, the time will present itself. Just wait until she brings it up.

I just read your entire situation on here and from what I can see, she still loves you very much and I have no doubt that she wants to be with you. But, hand in hand, she made something of herself, she is doing something with her life and has been for some time now. I truly believe, that she wants the best for you. She wants you to do something with yourself, she wants to see some change in you. Change that can only come with the passing of a great deal of time. Actions speak louder than words my friend and end results have the ultimate say. You should know after all this time of being with her that she still loves you. So knowing that, you need to respect her wishes. If you respect her wishes, it will make her decision easier. Love is the Best thing in the world and at the same time it is by far the Worst. I'm glad that you found this forum, I'm glad that it is helping you to ease some of the tension in your life. I hope that my advice helps you.

Thank you both for your encouraging words...I woke up an anxious wreck today and now I'm a little more steadied. I too believe she still loves me, but what scares me is that this "time" she needs for herself is her way of getting over me. It's been almost two weeks, and we're no closer to even TALKING about fixing things. If anything, it seems like we're farther. The night she left, her aunt told me that she had planned on asking me out for lunch in a few days and that she still wanted to "date"...I've seen no evidence of her intent to do so.

I think the fact that I got into school already and found a way to pay for it surprised her, but otherwise has had no effect on her decision. Every time she comes over, I have the house looking like a showroom and smelling tobacco-free, but she doesn't want to sit. The stress of it all has caused me to lose some weight, so I wear tight shirts, I've cut my hair and shave everyday...but she barely looks at me. I just don't get it...if she still loves me, why is she trying so hard not to show it?

We've had fights before, but we've never been angry with each other for more than a few days without working it out. It's been almost two weeks and I have no idea if we're even going to TRY and work it out, let alone when. Calling her would be an intrusion, and waiting for her to call is torture...I can almost feel her slipping thru my fingers as I sit and try to do everything I can to hold on.

It's been too little time. How can she trust the changes when it's only been a couple of weeks. It's nice to know, that when there's a crisis, that you can jumpo toit, but you need to show that the changes you are making are for you. Not just to win her back. Otherwise, who's to say you would keep them up if she came back? I know I would be concerned baout that if I were in her shoes.

You are in this for the long haul. The sooner you can accept that the better. I can totally identify with the frustration and the fear that she is "getting over you". From what you have written here though, that just doesn't seem to be the case to me.