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Thread: reasons why the ex may act mean or cold after the break up

  1. #1
    Gold Member deejay74's Avatar
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    Jan 2006

    reasons why the ex may act mean or cold after the break up

    i wasn't so sure where to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong forum...

    i wanted to know some reasons why the dumper may act cold, mean, or indifferent to the dumpee even if the dumper is generally a nice person. why do they do that? just curious.

  2. #2
    Gold Member NJRon's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    New Jersey
    I can only imagine that there are tons of reasons... but two come to mind immediately (assuming it is a somewhat normal, loving relationship that just went awry).

    1. They build a shell to protect themselces and it's much easier to do that with anger or feigned indifference.

    2. As the dumper, they generally have a head start on the whole phases of loss cycle. As a result, they are in the anger phase (which they typically get to when they actually do the breaking up) while the dumpee just starts straight with denial... which makes it especially confuising to them why the dumper is acting the way they are... because, during that time, they're in denial

    Just my thoughts... I had the same situation when my last relationship broke off and i couldn't believe how I was being treated. I mean, it was so bad I actually had all these strange excuses in my head to convince myself that there's no way the person I loved could actually be acting like this.

    Talk about confusion

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
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    Jul 2004
    Shrine of Seven Stars
    On those occasions I've been the dumper, I put the distance (which could also be interpreted as coldness, meanness or indifference) between myself and my ex for my own best interests.

    I had my own issues to sort out in the aftermath of the relationship...I was in no position to help my ex sort out his crap -- nor was it my place to do so.

    A physical wound does not heal faster or better if you continuallly pick at it. You're supposed to leave it alone and let time do it's thing. The same applies to a broken heart...every additional post-break-up contact with an ex is like picking at a scab.

    The ex may basically be a nice person, but if continuing to have contact with an ex is harming you, you have to look out for your own best interests first.

  4. #4
    Member heavensent's Avatar
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    Jan 2006
    Plain and simple it's just easier to be mad. It's a defense mechanism that people use to try to protect themselves. They find it easier to hate you than to love and lose you. Sometimes it's hard to understand but if you've ever been the person who is hurt, you might find that you use this same tactic.

  5. #5
    Shadows Light
    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    I don't call it mad. I call it dis-engaging. Showing no emotion anger, hurt, mad, happy, just a cool shell exterior keeps to task.

    sometimes... there's already been tonz of emotion, tension.. and once you've made the decision that you have to move disengage. You don't feed the dragon in any way.

    and as someone else said..the "DUMPER" is usually further in the process of releasing the relationship than the dumpee... they've had time to process it.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    The dumper has moved on emotionally.
    The dumpee has raw nerves and views the dumper through a magnifier looking for approval, remorse and a glimmer of once was.
    Slight indifference looks like a savage attack through that lens.

    At least that's what's been going on in my world.

  7. #7
    Member Boricua7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    I agree completely with heavensent. Being mad is a defense mechanism. It is just easier to hate a person because then you do not feel guilty when they are hurt. It's that simple.


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