she says she's not ready for a relationship

right people, i hope some of you wise ones can help.

Basicaly i've been dating a girl since just before christmas. everythings been going fantasticaly well, to the point where she almost idolised me (i dont mean that in any arrogant sense, just that she was ito me) i'm 24 and she's 19.

A few days ago we'd been out and again had a fantastic date, she was even telling one of my friends at work how much of a gud time she's had. The following day, out of the blue she sent me a message saying that she wasnt ready for a relationship and i didnt need her in my life.

Quite naturaly, i was confused at this, so i asked her what was up. I've always seen the relationship excuse as a cop out. She assured me that it was nothing i'd said or done and that she wished she'd met me earlier (She had just come out of a 2 year relationship a few months b4 i met her).

I'm confused though, if she was so into me then to suddenly decide that she just wants to be friends......and that she needs time to think.

I suppose what i'm asking is, what should i do? can i win her round? i obviously like her but i'm not sure how long i should wait before moving on!?! She's given me no timescale as to how long she needs!! help!!!

Does she say she doesn't want to date you any more at all or just to see you on a friendly basis? Or not see you at all?

she's not very clear

Her exact words when i asked her were

"i need time to think.........i think its best we are friends for now, sorry if that isnt what you want right now"

I can confirm at the moment though, that were not dating, although we are still in contact via text and email

I think you should tell her that being friends is problematical for you but if she would like to resume dating you to give you a call. This is not a long enough relationship to have to deal with this. Better to move on before you get even more hurt.

 

 

Quite naturaly, i was confused at this, so i asked her what was up. I've always seen the relationship excuse as a cop out.

 

Hate to say this, but shes into relationships. Just not a relationship with you my friend.

I don't know what it is that happened, but I would bet my bottom dollar that her ex boyfriend contacted her again, and she is either talking with him again or back together with him.

Move on, and don't look back. If she comes back to you, thats cool, but proceed with caution. Good luck.

thanks chaps

it's quite confusing on my behalf because as i said things were going fantastic, and it was a sudden blow from hot to cold within hours. I did consider the possibility of the ex being on the scene.

If it is the case then i'd be very disappointed with her as when she used the relationship excuse, i suggested to her that it was another reason and to be completely honest with me. she still maintained the relationship excuse. i suppose women mite feel the need to use this to save mens prides or whatever but, i'm so confused. And unlike most of the girls ive been out with....i felt i really clicked with her, which is weird for me as im not normaly like that.

to give you an idea of her type of charachter, shes quite quiet and shy.....very cute tho!!

Honestly she is a very confusing girl.. For your mental health i suggest you stop thinking about her.. Look man, she said that she wants to be friends.. No matter what you do, she will not have more with you because that she wants now.. If you keep pushing for more, you will end up with worse result..

Maybe she is interested but for ANY reason she want you to be friends for now.. Or she could found someone else.. Whatever the reason she said so, you need to forget about her and dont try to push her into more.. I believe when things become confusing like this, its better not to think at all about it and not to let myself into mind games, even if i want to know the truth..You will have a battle between the doubts in your head and the truth and you will stay like this without benefit...

So what you do ? Nothing, she said she wants to be friends.. Be her friend.. Its ok.. Give her what she wants.. Dont push for more... Act very NORMALLY.. And see what is going to happen.. If you have any kind of hope that she will change her mind, its ok.. But keep this hope in the corner of your mind and concentrate on your life.. Good Luck

i suppose women mite feel the need to use this to save mens prides or whatever but, i'm so confused.

Ah, but I have known men whom have used the same excuses. At least two of my breakups had him using the "relationship excuse".

I am sorry to say, but it is that. For whatever reason she is saying she is not interested, though for what reason I cannot say. Be it someone else or her own interest waning, but I advise you let her know you have plenty of friends already, if you feel that would just be too hard on you. To me it sounds like someone else has come along...which is why she said "she wishes she met you earlier". No matter, don't waste your time hon.

Honestly, there is little you can do but move forward. People whom say things like that are not on a timeframe, as if they wanted to be with you, they would be.

after she said she wasnt ready for a relationship, i asked her about it, the lets be friends for now thing was her response

If she brought up the subject from her own suddenly.. its not a good thing.. It means she didnt find the relation as she wanted..

Did she show interest in you while dating ? i mean did she do something special or just normal ?

If she brought up the subject from her own suddenly.. its not a good thing.. It means she didnt find the relation as she wanted..

 

Did she show interest in you while dating ? i mean did she do something special or just normal ?

Agreed, she may have had a great time on the DATE, but there may be something she just is not keen on with you or something. Or there is someone else.

I have had dates too with people that were fun and went well, but there was something missing anyway....

daftbrit,

There is a slight chance that she has decided that she's not ready for a relationship with you at this point. Things as you said were going fantastic but were they? She is 3 months out of a 2 year relationship and if she was dumped she could still be longing to be with him and/or comparing her dates with you to her past dates with her BF. She may be having a good time but she may have realized that she really isn't over him and in all fairness to you, it was better to end it. Of course it is possible that the former BF is back on the scene but since you have a friend that works with her who may find out, she probably would of told you. Either way you have to move forward as if she does not exist.

daftbrit,

 

There is a slight chance that she has decided that she's not ready for a relationship with you at this point. Things as you said were going fantastic but were they? She is 3 months out of a 2 year relationship and if she was dumped she could still be longing to be with him and/or comparing her dates with you to her past dates with her BF. She may be having a good time but she may have realized that she really isn't over him and in all fairness to you, it was better to end it. Of course it is possible that the former BF is back on the scene but since you have a friend that works with her who may find out, she probably would of told you. Either way you have to move forward as if she does not exist.

thanks, your probably right, i think maybe she's not over him. maybe she's not into me. i think i should probably move on in that case and get over it i suppose. at least we're on speaking terms, so i suppose that cant be bad!!

Im going through a similiar situation myself. Iv been talking with a girl for almost a year online and we finally met a month ago and started dating. Een before the dating started she told me how much she really liked me. So expecially with all the dates going great i didnt expect her to suddenly say those words ' im not ready for a relationship'. bummer

Im confused like hell and the more i tried to push it , things got worse. So im taking a step back and trying to be her friend. After a couple of weeks things have turned around in some ways. Today even though we are not in an official relationship, she depends a lot on me emotionally and said she is very happy she met me. In fact she told me she has never let anyone get this close to her in her life ever.

So i dont know if im forever gonna be labeled ' a friend ' or not, but all i know is i gotta take things easy and try to be there for her. And hope stuff works out on its own.

Hate to say this, but shes into relationships. Just not a relationship with you my friend.

 

I don't know what it is that happened, but I would bet my bottom dollar that her ex boyfriend contacted her again, and she is either talking with him again or back together with him.

 

Move on, and don't look back. If she comes back to you, thats cool, but proceed with caution. Good luck.

I would have to agree with Iceman. It seemed you guys clicked and had a good time. Very high chance someone else is in the picture and most likely her ex. Her ex must have contacted her again and she may be back together with him. I mean if you think about it, the only reason why she wasn't willing to give you a chance is because there might be something worth giving another shot (her ex of however many years together).

I'm not saying this is exactly it, but based on instincts it is the most probably explanation.

Don't force her to give explanation, don't beg her, don't pester her. Walk away valiantly. Always preserve your self-dignity/worth.

I suppose what i'm asking is, what should i do? can i win her round? i obviously like her but i'm not sure how long i should wait before moving on!?! She's given me no timescale as to how long she needs!! help!!!

In my opinion, dont give up so easily. Go buy her some flowers with a nice plush teddy bear and make her a CD of songs dedicated to her...I guess where Im getting at is do something that will give her food for thought. I know...I know... that it might sound a little cheesy... but hey its worth a shot.

hi

i've read this thread and seems like the best solution is to just let it be and walk away because in the end if the person was really worth their salt to you and wanted to be with you - she'll contact you in the end. I wouldn't take it personally because she's not rejecting you per se - but just wrong place wrong time - we've all been there but it just hurts to be on the receiving end.

I actually am in a similar situation myself. Me = 28 her = 24. Met this girl about 1 month ago and we clicked went on a few dates and mutual friend parties/get togethers, etc...Last night I made her dinner. We kissed a couple of times before and last night so she is def intersted. I really like this girl and she told me she did as well, smart, cute, etc... So I figured since things were going well last night walking her back to her place I asked her if she wnated to see each other a bit more frequently, i.e, you know meeting for dinner / walk 2x a week instead of once or every other. Then she dropped the bomb and said that seh had just ended a relationship about 1-2 months ago, she's not sure what she wants and fair enough she is between about 4 job interviews and one is possibly for a job in new york. I was told by her friend that her last breakup was hard given the last guy didn't treat her so well.

So we got to talking and she said she'd like to keep it status quo, i.e., friendly and meeting at parties or something. I told her however that I really liked her and quite honestly it'd be hard for me to just keep hanging out like we, seeing her once a month w/o taking it a step further since it'd be torture for me. She realized that and we basically left it at we'd stop seeing each other for a bit until she figures out what she wants. I'm not stupid and know this probably means sayonara. She said she can't see someone only at 50%, i.e., date, kiss and have feelings but not want to committ - which is understandable and why I told her it would be torture to continue seeing on this 50/50 basis. however I did ask her, well, if you knew you didn't want anything how come you kept wanting to see each other? she said she really liked me, wanted to see me, etc.. etc...

So basically we've left it at we'll see what the future holds. She was happy I was honest and appreciated me not like trying to beg or something - we parted ways last night and that's that. I can understand the position she's in, she's 24, uncertain professional situations, recent relationship breakup. I was in a similar situation once so I guess I know how it feels. Nevertheless it's hard to digest when you get close to someone, like them, things go well and then it falls apart.

Either way I could use some advice since I'm at work and doing nothing except staring at my monitor and thinking about her.

MIke

It's always hard in these kinds of situations because you can never really know if the person is being honest or using the 'relationship' thing as an excuse.

My advice if you can handle being her friend, then do that, if that's too much for you, then walk away. Sometimes people just meet at the wrong time, and you can't change that. If she really misses you as a friend, or wants to see you, I would think that she would contact you.

I am also in a similar situation, I've posted on a few threads about a guy I was dating. We went out on a bunch of dates, I even stayed over, met his friends, everything seemed to be going perfectly until he suddenly pulled back. He basically told me the same thing, that he's not ready for a 'relationship' right now. He knows that I like him and that it wouldn't be fair to me. He also had a really bad breakup a couple of months ago and it hit him pretty hard. So, he was like I don't want to be in a relationship just because, I want to make sure I'm ready for one, so he basically told me that he likes me and thinks I'm a great person, but for now wants to just pursue a friendship.

It's a hard situation, but I think I am okay with being friends. He's a genuinely nice guy, and easy to hang out with/get along with. But like I said before if being friends is going to hurt you, it's better to walk away and find someone who can reciprocate and give you what you want. You may have thought you clicked, but if timing is off, it's pretty hard to change that It does suck being on the receiving end, but there are plenty of other people out there! Just do what feels right to you, and don't be friends under the pretense of hoping for more because that will only lead to heartache.

ya i mean i asked her straight out if she was seeing other people and she goes no - i dont see multiple people etc...and if i was I wouldnt have made the effort to see you etc... so she's pretty upfront.

Now that i think back however, i can remember when i had just broken up and the last thing i wanted to do was go right into another one because you seem to need your own single/down time, especially if it was a bad rel. and especially if there are other external issues like this girl has with interviews, etc...

If we did pursue friendship only it would be hurtful i think because i really like this person- so that's basically why i told her i couldnt do that - i think it's only fair for me to say that. that being said however, you are right - if they do want you bad enough then they'll come looking....either way just sucks i guess

DUDE how's your situation...you word for word describe what I just know went thru. I got the OUT OF NOWHERE "im not ready for a relationship, lets be friends" txt after we were getting off to such a good start where SHE was showing an interest in me? so dude...i know you post this in 06, but I just wana know how your situation turned out oh and all the "just be her friend" advice-can that. you want to be more than that, but from what i'm learning from my situation is that it's all about timing...so hit me up homie!

I am in a situation like that. I recently got together with an old friend (we were friends 15 years ago and lost contact 10 years ago). He had a bad situation with a con artist girflriend he met online, so wanted to take it slow, but now says he doesn't want a relationship, just wants to be friends etc. People told me to just ditch him completely and to me that didn't feel right because he does like me (as I think she likes you). In general people always think it's better to ditch right away, but sometimes the best relationships I've known were ones were there was some conflict early on. Life isn't a romance novel, there's always issues. Some people are afraid of getting serious (or what they perceive as serious) early on, especially if they came out of a bad relationship, and you have to earn their trust. I myself had to recover from a con artist situation and that took years. I know that's not your situation, but bad experiences can take longer. It hasn't been that long for either you or I and a lot can change.

What I think you should do is give her space and keep her as a friend for now. In hindsight her last relationship wasn't that long ago so she might be nervous. Let her come to you if/when she's ready to have a relationship. There's no guarantee this will help (I am doing the same thing) but sometimes it does work. However, I would keep some sort of timetable in your mind (I have 6 months since I can't get serious now anyway) and see where the relationship is. Oh, and don't wait around for the person because they may never change.

ETA: I see this is from a few years ago. I wonder how it worked out.

This thread caught my eye, because the same thing started happening to me last Monday and culminated yesterday.

I posted my own request for advice in this thread:

What I can say about my experience is this:

We started hanging out on 4/2. By 4/9 we were hitting it off really well one-on-one. She was the first girl that I made the first move on, in terms of showing signs of affections (kissing and what not). We continued it on 4/10. We went out on 4/16 again and everything was fine. We even went out on 4/18 to the Yankee game with her 2 kids. I thought things were going really well, we had open communication and things were great.

BAM! Last Monday happened, she tells me that she has so much going on in her life (ex husband, children, family illnesses, school, financial uncertainty, etc.) and that she can't be in a serious relationship right now. Of course, she does this through a text and I ask to meet her in person to talk about it.

We meet yesterday and she reiterates what she told me in the text on Monday. I tell her that I understand where she is coming from. She tells me that she's afraid that she'll get too attached to me and she needs to get everything else figured out first. She was with her ex for a total of 16 years before they separated in 2008 and divorced in 2009. She told me that she is probably making the wrong decision in terms of not dating me, but she has to do this for herself, right now.

I tell her I understand that she is guarded and has a wall put up around her. I reiterate to her that I do have feelings for her and she says she definitely has feelings for me. She says she still wants to see me, but only as friends...for now. We both left it open to see what happens further on up the road. She left the ball in my court, telling me she wants to be my friend and what not but only if I could handle it.

I was honest and told her I needed time to cool off and figure things out. The problem I'm facing is similar to what has been said here by some already, I have enough friends. I don't need anymore, especially not ones whom I have a, albeit short, romantic history with...

The problem that I have now is, she dropped the hint that her kids are constantly asking about me, wondering why I haven't come around. I like spending time with her kids. I don't want to hurt them in the process.

I figure at least a week of not, at least trying, to call/text her will put some things in perspective for me.

I'm actually pretty hurt on the inside and I'm not sure how to proceed.

BUT, I'd love to hear how it worked out for the original poster since years have gone by now...

Even though it was out of the blue, you have to treat this like a rejection. The natural response when a person gets rejected is to go after the person, and I do not think that you should do that.

Personally, I think one of two things happened, she either got freaked out about the situation or another guy came into the picture. Either way the situation isnt looking good.

How you handle the situation next is about personal preference. However, you have to realize that she isnt trying to get you to win her over, and you wont win her over. After you process that information then decide what you want to do.

Here is what happened to me. I meet this girl at church. We seem to have a lot of common interests. We go out for a bike ride around the city. It was a short / relaxed date. We seem to hit it off pretty good and I hung out for a bit at her house after the bike ride and we had pretty good conversation. I try to get the second date set up (dinner and a movie) and she was too busy to do anything. I get the hint and end the call. I sent her an email the next day so I could get a little more information. This is her response:

[...]I had a good time and we did click, but only on a friend level. I also really do not have time to date anyone right now. I'm really not interested in starting a relationship--regardless of who its with. I have a lot on my plate with grad school, teaching and [...] coming up. I've realized over the past few years that I need to be taking care of myself before I can have a relationship with anyone else and recently, I haven't been taking care of myself quite as well as I should. So, I need to focus on the things that matter most to me right now and having a relationship just isn't one of them.

 

That's all I really have to say, which probably doesn't help.

I don't think you should make any assumptiions at all about what this girl is thinking. It reminded me very much of something that happened when I was much younger. I went out with somebody who I really, really liked a lot. I got scared that I liked him a lot more than he liked me . . . oh, I know he liked me. I ended the relationship because I could see the strong possibility that I would get hurt. I sort of don't regret it. In fact, I wish I had done that with other people I did stay involved with. He did ring me up and want to come to see me, but I made excuses. I mean he didn't exactly fall down at my feet and profess love, but I guess I knew he didn't really like me half as much as I like him. Depends on how much you like this girl before you decide what you want to do. Think carefully, she has actually, and don't do anything in a rush. All the best.