need to get it out..

So , he just called on his drive to work. I cant remember how it was brought up again , but he said " You keep wanting to change my mind about marriage " UGHHH this is not what i wanted. I dont want tokeep talking about it. So I stopped the conversation, i said "You have misunderstood my intent" Honestly i dont want to talk ANY man into marrying me.

When he called it was early in the morning , i wish i had note cards or something to remind me to stay completely aloof about this!!!

So another bad start to a brand new day.

Good thing , i was with my girlfriends last night, they really helped me think about things regarding my issue with my family and our breaking up for good.

Sib

This is pretty funny!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

So , he just called on his drive to work. I cant remember how it was brought up again , but he said " You keep wanting to change my mind about marriage " UGHHH this is not what i wanted. I dont want tokeep talking about it. So I stopped the conversation, i said "You have misunderstood my intent" Honestly i dont want to talk ANY man into marrying me.

When he called it was early in the morning , i wish i had note cards or something to remind me to stay completely aloof about this!!!

So another bad start to a brand new day.

Good thing , i was with my girlfriends last night, they really helped me think about things regarding my issue with my family and our breaking up for good.

Sib

So what do you think you are going to do then Sib??? Sounds like they are supportive?

Hey, might not of been a great start, but does not mean it cannot start to be a great day as of NOW. See, the start can be wherever you want to put it, not just in the morning

Thats right raykay!! Its still a great day.

I am going to keep on keeping on.

I know its baby steps.

We both agreed to take some time to think.

I am just trying to think about myself though.

Besides those early morning phone calls !! UGHHHH..

Off to work - long day

HUgs

Sib

We both agreed to take some time to think.

I am just trying to think about myself though.

Hey Girl,

Glad you were able to clear up with him that you don't want to force ANY man to marry you, but that you want a man who is on the same page as you in terms of wanting to get married to the love of his life.

It's not a crime to want that level of commitment from the man you love, and if he's not on the same page, than he isn't the right man for you, and that's OK too.

Scout pointed out that some people are indeed happy with a long term commitment with no marriage. Some couples have children and are not married too.

But if you want to marry him, and you want that commitment (and I do as well- nothing wrong with either view) than you should not feel you have to give that desire up and sacrifice something important to you to be with him.

Ever see "When Harry Met Sally"? Sally lived with and dated a guy named Joe for 6 years and they agreed never to get married. At 30-31 she realized that she did want to get married and he didn't, so they broke up. She later married Harry!

The point is that what is important to you is such for a reason, and not to lose site of that. And if your guy is saying "you are trying to change my mind" and make you feel guilty for wanting marriage, don't let him. You shouldn't have to settle.

The older I get (or the more 'miles' I acquire), the more I start believing that love alone will not cut it. I used to believe that having a really strong feeling of affection and caring about a person immensely would mean that we could get through anything ... but I've come to realize that when that feeling fades a bit and you see things more realistically, that having shared values is just as (if not MORE) important than love. If a couple doesn't share the same values, I don't see long-term potential.

Here's my take on this situation: it sounds like this man keeps reiterating his anti-marriage statements, his "I understand if you need to leave and find what you want" comments, and his "I would respect you if you left to find what you really want" comments, because he's incredibly confident that you're not going anywhere.

If I was truly in love with a man, I wouldn't want to give him so many verbal offers to leave me and find what he "really wanted". His empty suggestions seem like an exertion of his power over the relationship.

Dear Sibling,

You deserve a man who can't imagine a future without you. Who dreams of seeing you walk down the aisle towards him. A man who sees you growing old together and having a family. This is clearly not your current man. He has made it pretty clear. Be true to what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have someone who wants to commit to you. There is nothing wrong with what you want. He just isn't the guy to make it happen. There is someone out there that will want the same things you do, you just can't meet him when you are with someone else.

Good luck and love yourself enough to want the best for yourself. Don't settle for less.

Sorry to say but if I was your guy I would have already left you. He has already told you his intentions but still you ask him about it way too often. You need to leave this relationship and find some one that fits your needs and goals. Don’t try to change the one you have found the one you need and they will need you too?

Hi There Enotaloner's!

Thank you soo much for everyone's advice. I really appreciate it.

But see this is what happens , and then i get confused.

Like last night , i had a late meeting , i amsupposed to pick up my niece from school. I call our mom , but she is sick , she cant do it.

I call my b/f , i know he has a hectic shoot going on , but i say , could you please pick up Zoe. He says , of course , but i will have to take her back to the set with me. So , he leaves work , goes and gets her.

When i got home aroound 8:30 last night. She had already done her homework , eaten dinner , showered and was ready for bed.

He is soooo awesome , its moments like this that i am like WOW.

This morning when he left for the set , he says his usuall , i love you but today he hugged me really tight and was just like "I love you Sib , i know we will figure things out."

So my confusion is this-

Do i leave a wonderful man , who i know loves me

or do i stay in this relationship - throwing dreams of marriage out the window??

Oh and i forgot an important thing he said this morning was " Sib , we are already married in my mind. We are committed, loyal and best friends. Dont worry about a piece of paper"

Whats everyone's take on that ????

Like i said , i am happy , He does treat me like a princess- i mean he fullfills my basic needs of what i want from a man , just not legal.

UGHHHH!!!!!!

Hope everyone has a great day!

Sib

God- i know i bring it up WAY to often. I am trying to stop , do you think i should just drop it , like my original plan till June - when it will be past two years together and that is MY LIMIT.? thanks in advance.

Do i leave a wonderful man , who i know loves me

or do i stay in this relationship - throwing dreams of marriage out the window??

Oh and i forgot an important thing he said this morning was " Sib , we are already married in my mind. We are committed, loyal and best friends. Dont worry about a piece of paper"

That's something that only YOU can decide for yourself.

Personally, I don't want to have my boyfriend be just my boyfriend for all of my life. I want to be his wife, I want him as my husband, I want children with him as my husband and their father.

Some couples are fine with just being partners without "the piece of paper" for all their lives, and they go on to have children and stay together, and it works for them. They are happy just that way.

BUT.... to me, walking down that aisle before God and our loved ones, families and friends, declaring our love for one another and making that commitment to love and honour till death do us part... that SHOWS me that he wants that commitment with me, to have that union with me, legally and spiritually, personally and publicly. I think for the most part, when a couple has made that commitment, they tend to work harder at keeping it than a couple who can just as easily "break up" and go their separate ways.

I know some may argue against me, and there are all sorts of opinions out there, there are always exceptions to the rule, but that has been my experience, and that is one of the reasons it is important to me.

I think you really need to look deeply within yourself and decide WHY marriage is important to you, WHY you want that from him, and what it means to have him as your boyfriend forever, versus as your husband. Think hard about whether you will or can be truly happy with him on that level for the rest of your life, or if you really want and need more. Can you live as is forever and not resent him or yourself?

I think what he said, about the "piece of paper", is just his way of telling you, (again), that he does not want to marry you, (or anyone) and is just not interested in making that serious level of commitment (and it is!) with you or with anyone.

To me, what he said is: "Things will work out as long as you don't leave and stop asking me about marriage because I am not going to marry you and I am not going to change my mind. I like things the way they are and I love you, but I don't want that level of commitment and responsibility to each other with you or anyone."

So true , Hope , thanks ...

Oh my , so i ran to a book store today at Lunch. I bought the book. I am only on page 11 - IT IS AWESOME!!!!

I love it!

Mun likes that book, and says it has some good points. I haven't read it, but I will happy if you find it useful. What does it say so far?

Anything interesting?

"He's just not that into you" is a book I think is awesome as well. Don't be turned off by the title, it's got some excellent advice and tells the truth about a lot of issues women experience when dealing with men.

I wanted to say that I noticed you said you'll leave your "dream of marriage." Honestly, that made me do a 'double-take.' Are you in love with this man, or are you in love with the idea of commitment, marriage & happily ever after? It's something to think through.

From the time we are young, women are taught to look for our prince charming, get married & live happily ever after. Thus, we get a lot of skewed ideas about happiness within ourselves equaling needing to be married, etc.

If I were you, I would take a good look inside myself and find out what else you feel is 'missing' from your life that you so desperately need this man to marry you, and are refusing to hear him when he says he doesn't want to get married. Why do you so desperately need his approval? Is it because you love him, or is it because you are missing something inside? Self-love, self-respect, self-admiration?

Do a little soul searching, and then decide.

With lots and lots of hugs and love sib.

I leafed through that "Why Men Love B@*#&$" book once, and to be honest, unless you truly are a "me first" and snippy type, you're going to have a hard time playing all the games recommended in that book.

When you meet the right man - trust me, you won't have to be a Bi#@% to keep him. In fact, you'll likely lose him if you are one.

Oh thats exactly what i have been feeling - doing. on one hand , i feel that perhaps maybe something is missing inside of me. And thats why i am so desperate to want to get married. On the other hand i feel that there isnt anything missing and i just want the American dream - a family. Its all sooo confusing - but i do get what you are saying.

Scout - i do agree the book "B**ches " is first of all a horrible name - and second - its really for a snippy gal. But it is perfect for me . My b/f and i lets say live in a VERY ego-driven lifestyle, environment , family. We both are in the same industry. Different jobs , but we both think we are God's. I am not gonna say more - just that.

Regarding meeting the one who you wont have to act - i do believe this too. Another reason why i am sooo confused!!!

Hope- oh the book rocks. It basically says to stop thinking about what makes him happy and ONLY think about yourself.I will go into it more later...

BUT - after only two days of changing my thinking process - it has made little but big changes.

This morning when he called , i said hello. he said" Hi MOMMY"

I said its not your mom , its me Sib. He said i know who i called " Hi Mommy"

Now , i know that may sound weird to you all - but this was coming from a man who exclaimed that he was too old to have any kids- yah know. I just think he is softening up alittle. Going from i will never be a dad - to calling me mommy.

there have been other things too - just dont have time to go into it.

I am going out tonight - must get ready.

Talk to you all later-

SIB.

Are you sure he wasn't calling you mommy because he's feeling pressured by you about marriage? ( and feels like you are more acting like a parent then a partner?)

That was the first thing that I thought of...

The book sounds interesting, but I think a key componant to any relationship is considering both parties' feelings, which is why you are struggling so much, because both your feelings regarding marriage are so fundamentally different.

It doesn't mean giving up something that is so important to you, but it does mean that if you stay with him, you should consider his feelings too. (a part of why I think you should leave because you know he never wants to marry).

Take care and keep us updated!

I don't know, if he is calling you "mommy" I think it has nothing to do with him softening on idea of having children or marriage, I think it is a passive aggressive dig on the current relationship and pressure situation.

But Sib, seriously, are you saying now that you would be perfectly happy never getting married of having children, just to be with this man? I really don't know why you expect that to change, or why you would sacrifice your own dreams and desires just to keep him "happy". Do you ultimately think him saying "I am happy just being with you, not ever getting married", means he is making a commitment to be with you forever? I just don't see anything he is saying as saying that.