need to get it out..

I m sorry to keep posting this ,perhaps just need to vent.

I made a resolution to not bring up marriage.Wellit cameup again this morning. thats two times in the new year.Why do i keep doing this to myself?

He says everything is fine.He is happy.He loves me. But he never see's himself getting married , to anyone. He says we broke up , but we got back together because i love you. Why cant we keep things the way we are. We see each other 4 days out of 7. We are happy , we are commited , i dont want to get married. But more importantly , i dont want us to be together 7 years and then you look back with resentment because we never married.

I am basically crying my eyes out thru this.

He says "I would have respect for you , if you broke up with me to gofind your dream"

I said how can you say that , that means we wont be together then?

He says , well then do you want me to hate you? is that better?

I told himi was very confused. I dont want to feel this way. I act bitter or rude to him ,because i amalready filled with resentment.

He says if he was the marrying kind we would already be married.

He says you are having a panic attack , just calm down honey.

But this is important to me.

I told himi want to see the relationship progress.

He says , why we are fine?

But i want more.

You are not getting any younger, he tells me.

Its perfectly naturall for you to want this. But its not me. I dont want it.

What if i was pressuring you? How would you feel?

I dont know what to do. I feel lost and heartbroken , i know the outcome is not good.

I just dont know how to do it.

I dont want to leave him, but i want to be married.

It hurts so bad.

He wants to come over tonight.

I am thinking about saying not to. I dont want to be mean to him anymore. I told him this.

Maybe i need space to figure it out.

But whats there to figure out?

Do i need to get back out there and find another man?

But , its him i want.

Its him i want to be with. But i want us to be a family. He doesnt . he is happy the way things are. ( I am repeating myself, i know)

Take space ? I dont know what the right thing to do? Will i regret not ending it now?

Is there another man , i will love like i do him, out there?

Has anyone gone thru this? Left a man or woman they LOVED , to follow another path?

Help me please!

Sib

Hi Sib!

I have been following yout posts for a while. You two want completely different things. He sounds like he is not going to budge on this and he is being very honest with you. You have your answers. It's up to you what you want to do with them now. Either stay in this relationship and be miserable to leave and find someone whom values marriage as much as you.

It sounds like you are losing yourself in this relationship. I see a big change in your since you got back together with him. In the beginning...you were strong, independent, doing your own thing...now you sound desperate and clingy. Love YOURSELF first. That means sticking to what is important to you instead of settling. You would be settling if you stay in a relationship with a man whom does not believe in marriage. You deserve to be with someone whom cannot wait to marry you.

If you don't think you are rushing, why are you waiting?

Hi Kellbell ( BTW- everytime i see that cupcake , i want one so bad!)

I know - I usually tend to lose myself right before i go completely mad (or hit MY breaking point) . Then i make my decision. Sometimes i look back and regret what i did, other times i know i made the right decision.

Thats why i am so confused here.I dont know if leaving him is the right decision. I mean i do love him. We are commited , i know he loves me.

But i do want to be married. And i do miss my old self. But i feel i cant get there without making this decision.

I wish i could laugh again , be sarcaastic, think positive , but i am finding it really tough.

I wish i could just hear some stories about other people in my situation and their results.

I have searched and searched , trust me.

I am thinking asking for some space is a good idea.

But what would that really mean? Well i can tell you , it means I will be back to going out , flirting with guys , looking for a man who wants what i want.

So shouldnt i just break it off then? I mean its not fair to him.

I am so confused. I wish i could just breathe.

I wish i knew the answer.

But my facts are:

He doesnt want to get married. Period.

I wish someone could just tell me what to do.

Do you think i should see him tonight , or tell him not to come over - i am afraid i will just keep crying.Or should i put on a brave face.

Now where's my cupcake recipes?? LOL!!

Honey, break it off. He said it himself: if he wanted to marry you he already would have, period.

Any man who says he will never marry anyone will eventually be married, just not to whoever they are with at that moment. I know that's a harsh reality, but a true one. Men who claim they are commitment phobic, who don't see themselves married, etc are full of it.

Yes, you need to leave him. If marriage and children are important to you, he is not the one for you. If he loved you that much, he would know that is such an important thing that the relationship can't continue without it.

Let him come over tonight and tell him it's over, because you aren't going to sit around waiting anymore. You've waited a long time already, and it's time to go out and find someone more compatible to you.

You said yourself you need to look for a man compatible and who wants what you do...he's probably looking for you right now

I think you are trying to convince yourself of things you don't want, just to keep him.

We see each other 4 days out of 7. We are happy , we are commited , i dont want to get married. But more importantly , i dont want us to be together 7 years and then you look back with resentment because we never married.

 

Sounds good, sounds like you are fine. Then you say you might resent not doing it, which shows you clearly are not.

But i do want to be married

So, the truth is you want to get married, but you also don't want to lose him, so you go along with it. The reason it comes up is because you are lying to yourself. He knows it, you know it, we know it.

You two want different things. Neither of you is right, neither of you is wrong, but if does mean neither of you will be happy going with the other decision. This difference is one of those dealbreakers. You can try working around it, but one of you will be unsatisfied and resentful. What about children? Will you compromise..rather sacrifice your own desires....on that too?

I think you are becoming too dependent on him for your happiness, if you want marriage, there are men out there whom will be ready for that, and wanting that in their lives. And yes, there are many you would get along with. But it's your choice whether you want that or not. He is honest that this is whom he is, he seems to understand its important to you, but he really is not going to change which is evident by his resolve to be true to himself.You could learn from that.

Be glad he is honest...many women are lied to for years about this, and find out the hard way. But if a man says "I do not want to get married" there is no reading between the lines to find hope. He does not want it, and at the very least he does not want to be married to you. Harsh truth, but it often works out that way that it's not always marriage thats the problem, just not wanting to marry the WRONG woman.

Yes, there are many whom have left because each wanted different things. I have done it, and had it done TO me. Because ultimately I knew there was someone out there whom not only would I be compatible with, and share the same goals, but whom the love would be even deeper because of those shared values and goals, because I would feel accepted for me, free to be what I wanted, and pursue those things together.

I suggest you also check out the Message Boards at

Sib,

No one can tell you how to live your life or tell you what's best for you...only you can do that.

"We are commited , i know he loves me."

Sure you may be committed in a sense...but the LEVEL of committment is not enough for you at this point. Sure he loves you but it's not enough.

"But i do want to be married. And i do miss my old self. But i feel i cant get there without making this decision.

I wish i could laugh again , be sarcaastic, think positive , but i am finding it really tough."

Oh Sib, I wish you can read what you wrote here a few times. Do you really want to marry a man whom makes you feel this way? A partner should make you feel like a million bucks, light you up, and bring the best out of you...not make the worst come out of you or take away the basic sense of whom you are.

"I wish i could just breathe."

Again, a true and caring relationship should be refreshing not oppressive.

"Do you think i should see him tonight , or tell him not to come over - i am afraid i will just keep crying.Or should i put on a brave face?"

That's up to you, but you REALLY need to look out for your own needs...he is not meeting all of them. You are miserable. You are miserable because you want something and he flat out does not want what you want. I had something similar happen to me...my ex kept putting off marriage knowing full well how much it meant to me...I got fed up (among other things) and broke up with him. I am much happier...true I miss him sometimes but he was not good for me. I think you really need to do some soul searching and really figure out what you want. But I am afraid this guy you with is NOT the one for you. I am so sorry...big hugs to you.

I love my little cupcake too. Although I thought it was icecream. hehe.

fromItsok: Any man who says he will never marry anyone will eventually be married, just not to whoever they are with at that moment. I know that's a harsh reality, but a true one. Men who claim they are commitment phobic, who don't see themselves married, etc are full of it.

THAT IS THE GOLDEN TRUTH.It has already happened to me once before when i was in my early twenties.

Kellbell: I wish you can read what you wrote here a few times. Do you really want to marry a man whom makes you feel this way? A partner should make you feel like a million bucks, light you up, and bring the best out of you...not make the worst come out of you or take away the basic sense of whom you are.

I really feel like i am never going to get this. Why does every other woman i know have this. Why is it never me?For gods sake , I am beautiful , funny ,independent and full of courage. Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone???

I know i will be devistated , i know i must leave him. I know he will fall inlove and marry before me. I know its not a competion , but it always seems to happen . I want to be a man's million bucks. Right about now i feel like my own's 500,000.00.

off to check out "his cold feet" .

Thank you to everyone.

ps. maybe it is ice cream ? LOL!!! Good i am glad , i have will power over ice cream , none over cupcakes ,yummmmm......

So he just called from work -

Please sib lets not fight about marriage. I love you , lets just be happy we have each other.Please Please.

I said "I need to be who i am though , and i deserve happiness. That means i want to have a family."

I quickly got off the phone .

ughghghghghghhhhhhhhhh..........

Hi Sib,

Everyone who posted here is right.... there is just a fundemental difference between the two of you and what you want in life. There is nothing wrong with either side, but I don't think there is a compromise that will make you both happy.

I too want to get married. Very much, and I want to have children with my husband too. I want that commitment. It's very important to me, and I can see that it's important to you too. It's not really a thing that you can compromise on, is it? You are either married or you aren't. And if that is what you want, than you do deserve it.

Someone said that you should be thankful that you man is honest with you about not wanting to get married, that many others deceive or lead on their partners for years before it finally comes out that it will never happen. It's so true... Your guy is spelling it out for you- he does not want to get married, or at least not to you. (I've been where you are too... both of my long term exes got married after me... but know what? Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't want to be married to either of them!)

Don't lose what is important to you for this relationship. It isn't fair, and a relationship should fulfill both partner's needs and make them both happy and satisfied.

You do deserve that too, and you will find it if you give yourself that chance, but by staying with someone who does not want that, you will continue to deny yourself that chance.

((HUGS))

Thanks Hope - i really appreciate those words.

Hi sibling,

How are you doing today?

What ended up happening last night?

Well after i told him NOt to comeover - the doorbell rings about an hour later.

I was babysitting my niece. So i didnt want a confrontation in front of her.

He says "Iwanna call a truce" ( our new way of stopping the arguments, since getting back together)

I said " I will call it to ,but it doesnt change a thing.I want to get married."

He says Lets talk about it tomorrow- My niece LOVES him ,so he picks her up and says lets go out for ice cream.

We all went ,had a nice time.

Anyway this morning before he left for work , i said we need to talk. He says " I know , can't we deal with this after Valentines Day. "

of course, you know i used to think just he puts it off , but i am allowing it to be put off and i am allowing my happiness to be put off you know?

I checked out link removed OH MY i love that website!!!

I dont know what to do - i am confused and frustrated. And completely obsessed that my life wont be complete until i am married. I know this is unhealthy. I know , i know. I am just obsessed with a dress , a ring , a house. its wrong.but i am. childesh too i suppose.but i want a family .i want it.

sib

its nto childish to want the dream of a family. you are a grown woman and you deserve this. You will find someone who wants this with you, but not if you are withs omeone who has made it clear to you that THEY dont.

why does he need to wait until after valentines? so he doesnt spend it alone?

i hope he comes to his senses.

you're not being unreasonable. if you want this- go after it. you have control over YOUR life, what do you want to do with it?

keep us posted- i wish you the best of luck.

It is certainly not childish to want a family and to be married.

It is however setting yourself up for heartbreak to think it will happen with this man. He is putting it off as he knows it will keep you around.

First it is tomorrow, then next week, then Valentine's, then Christmas, your anniversary.....it will never end.

I am glad you liked that site, I think it might help you know others are in the same boat, and may also help you see that when a man says no...he means it....

Thanks Vanilla ,

another funny thing - i said why wait till after valentines day?

he said because i want us to have fun, you love holidays. He said lets go to vegas. I said "Okay , but dont get mad when i get drunk and demand we go to a wedding chapel!"

at least we found humor in that.

bastard.....

sib

Er, yeah, he's not marrying you.

Hi Sib!

I was wondering how you two can possibly have fun on Valentine's Day with that hanging over your heads. Valentine's Day in my opinion is a silly holiday and I even felt that way about it when I was in a relationship.

Anyhow, your dreams are not childish or wrong. You are entitled to your dreams and goals. Those are my dreams and goals...I want nothing more than to be married and have little ones, the house, the ring. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things. I think you are becoming somewhat obssessed because it's something you know in your heart that is not going to happen with this man and it's driving you crazy. But obessions are NOT healthy and they eat you up inside. You do not want this to consume you.

IMO, Valentine's Day or no, I think you should go your separate ways. He knows how much this means to you but wants to not fight about it and call it a "truce." It's NEVER going to be a truce and this is something you are going to fight about all the time. Another thing that bothered me is that after you told him not to come over, he came over anyway? I would be PO'ed if my BF did that. Seriously.

I think you deserve so much more than this. And your BF sounds like a good guy but he is not good for YOU. Let us know how you are doing with all this. Take care and big hugs to you.

LoL !!!

Yes , i know.

Hurts , but i know.

thank god for hiscoldfeet , a women just left her boyfriend for the same reason.

I cant believe that is why he wants to be with you on valentines and let alone that that is what he said.

Instead of saying "because i'd like to do something special and work things out"...its just for fun, and thenw hat happens when the fun is over?

i think it'll be more difficult to get out of this after a trip together...

im sorry dear...you deserve the world!

I can no longer be depressed about this marriage thing. I have to stop it RIGHT NOW.

So back to focusing on me and my life. If he wants to compliment it great. If not i WILL find a man who does.

Life is too short.

I have decided , once again , to go back to my resolution of stopping all obsessive behavior of marriage. And give him till June to propose. I had come to a good point right before News Years Eve that i could live happily with this decision.

So , my question is - do i tell him this?

Do I say if by June we are not engaged , its over- or do i say nothing.

What would you guys do?

Sib,

He said he DOES NOT WANT GET MARRIED EVER! To you nor anyone. He said it's not for him and he is not interested. I don't know how else he can be more clear. Why wait until June??? Then when June comes along, you will be back at these boards with the same queary wondering if you should give him until Christmas to propose.

You are setting yourself up to get very hurt. You will be miserable until June because in the meantime you will be fighting these "obsessional" thoughts about marriage.

great , now i am depressed again.....

great , now i am depressed again.....

You should not be depressed for standing up for yourself.

The truth is sibling.....it's not likely he will propose by June. He has made it clear he is not interested, and even telling him you will leave otherwise will do little. He has said fine, then you should leave and find that if you want it. Of course this just makes YOU feel guilty I think for leaving such a "great person" because of this "silly issue".

But it is not silly. If it's important to you, it is. But you can't force him to change your mind, just like he can't change yours.

If you are going to say "June", then you must be prepared to walk in June if nothing happens. No ifs, ands or buts.

okay but this is the thing -

see - I am ready to be set up for the hurt.( If its even gonna hurt. My plan was to stay positive about MY goals)

I am taking this time (these 6 months till June) to see if he is the one for me.

Maybe i am just so blind sided , he actually isnt the one i want to spend the rest of MY life with.

My whole goal with giving the relationship till June was to FOCUS on me.

That means decide if i even want HIM.

Decide if he was worthy of MY love. and MY life.

I have allot to offer a man. Seriously , i do.

I am a whole complete awesome attractive package.

I want to take these 6 months to see if he is worthy of me and my family.

Thats what i meant when i say wait till june.

I am not waiting for him to decide.

I AM THE ONE WHO WILL DECIDE MY OWN FUTURE.

as far as setting myself up for pain , will of course i am human , i am gonna be upset.

But i am willing to take the risk and i am aware of the danger.

Kind of like entering the army right now , I know i will end up going to Iraq , but its important to me to fight for what i believe in. I know there is the possibility of death.

( i am actually against war, i am a californian liberal , but thought it was a good metaphor)

Also - my last b/f and i dated for 5 years. Withen two years he married the first girl he dated after me. They are soooo happy now , i swear. Sometimes at dinner i stare at them ( we are friends now) and i am like , God he moved on so quick , like no big deal. He went out and got what he wanted.He made himself happy.

This has always stuck with me. Even after my b/f broke up with me a couple months ago - i quickly started dating. I mean , its not the end of the world that we didnt make it. I stayed strong and focused.

Now why wait 6 months to find out?well , see i do LOVE him , ALLOT.He was a friggin dream come true for me.I am very much in love with him. But after this length of time ( almost two years) and both our ages , i feel i need to take a step back and see if its true love or , i dont know just desperation to get married. Does any of this make sense?

So my point is to decide if he is right for me.

My problem is do i tell him.

And how would i phrase it - so the point doesnt get misunderstood .

Hey Sib,

I never meant to depress you. I am so sorry if I did. It's just I don't, along with everyone here, want to see you get hurt over this. I mean you are hurting enough, I don't want you to add more to your pain.

But as RayKay mentioned, if waiting until June is the way to go for you, you have to stick to your guns. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you sticking by your feelings and dreams. Again, I am so sorry.