"I need some time" is that a bad sign ?

Hello. Please can you help me.

I have been in a long distance relationship with a beautiful girl from the Philippines since June. We met on a dating sight, exchanged e-mail addresses, cellphone numbers and have bult a strong bond of trust - everything felt so beautiful.

Her parents even gave our relationship their blessing, even her father who has dissaproved of a few of her previous boyfriends.

We plan to meet for the 1st time this February and every body is so excited.

So, what is the problem ?

Well, last week (January 12th) I noteced that something wasn't "right" and I sensed she was unhappy with something. I asked her over the proceding days if she was ok, but she just said "yeah, everything is fine". Still sensing some problem I sent her an email, and on Monday morning, she confessed to me what was wrong.

She was very sorry for not being honest with me at 1st, but told me she was feeling confused becasue she under so much pressure at work and has one or two family issues. She said she wasn't sure how she felt any more and in particualar she was scared that she would hurt me and didn't want ever to do that.

I asked her how she felt when she looked at my photos and she said she felt happy, warm and wanted to hug and hold me.

She said she wanted some time to gather her thoughts, and of course, I said that would be ok. I was calm with her, patient with her and told her I understood how she was feeling. This made her feel happier cos she was scared I'd get mad at her. She also said that finally confessing to me how she had felt for a week or two, made her feel so much better.

I suggested to her that she might have a case of "the jitters" cos i am her first b/f from UK and this is a big thing for her.

I told her to take all the time she needed and that I'd always be here for her. and now I just have to wait...

Should I be worried ?

Is this "normal" ?

How should I handle things to decrease my chances of loosing her ?

Should I still visit her in February ?

is the "can i have some time please" a bad sign in every case ?

Thankyou.

The "can I have some time" is not a bad thing in every case. You did the right thing in just comforting her and being there for her. Kudos to you!

She never once indicated that she was unhappy with you or the relationship so no, I wouldn't be worried if I were you.

Yes, this is normal. When people have more on their plates than they can handle they tend to push people away. My boyfriend does this ALL OF THE TIME. It does not mean that she cares about you any less, like she said, she just doesn't want any of her current issues to affect you because she does not want you to get hurt.

About visiting her in February: right now it may not be such a good idea. Give her some time and then ask her if she still wants you to come see her. Chances are she will say "yes" but do not bring this question up yet. The last thing she needs right now is another thing to worry about.

I agree. Just give her what she asks for. I would let her know that you understand her needs and feel that it is appropriate to delay your trip until she's in a better place.

I don't think it is necessarily a bad sign. In fact, it could be construed as a good sign. that she is taking it very seriously and wants to be sure of herself. Just take it for what it is. After some time, you'll know when to bring up the idea of visiting again, if she doesn't first.

Best wishes

The thing is, she said only last week that she wanted to see me in Febrary so on the strenght of her request, I got tickets already (which she knows about). I havn't heard from her now for 24 hours and not sure what I should do. Should I e-mail her to re-assure her (she wont get it till Wednesday at work now) or text her to say that I'm still thinking of her. I fee awful. I hate waiting like this. I'm so worried things will end cos in the past the "i need some time" has always led to a break up. I can't focus on my work, I can't even look at her photos anymore cos it hurts too much to think I may loose her. If I tell her that I feel like this she will just feel the more guilty. Ohh God help me please

I don't think it to be a bad idea to send her a "just a reminder that I'm still here for you and love you" e-mail. Actually, I think it's a great idea! Reminding her that you're not going anywhere may be just what she needs. Make sure to mention that you want to know whether or not she still wants you to come in Feb. because you have already aquired the tickets.

I hope everything works out!

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this has got me to thinking.

I lived in the Philippines for 3 years and my boyfriend was Filipino.

This dating site you met on, was she looking for a Western guy? My worry here is she may have been pressured by her family or maybe by her financial situation to go down this route.

Thankyou for your comments.

No, I believe her sincerity 100%, in fact, she was very scared at 1st when she first told her father about me. She IS financially secure because she has a full time job and she isn't one of these girls who is saying "I love you" just to get a visa or access to the UK. She told me she was so confused just now, she wasn't sure how exaclty she felt - any "greencard" hunter would NOT be so honest.

When I saw her on the dating sight, I did a "philippines" search rather than her profile stating that she was looking for a UK guy. Also, as soon as we got closer, she ERASED her dating site profile cos she felt so confident in the relationship. ie, no need to find a "supply" of online men to choose from.

I sent her a long and comforting e-mail yesterday and today she responded by saying she felt so touched and that it made her very happy. She wants to chat to me again on MSN and although she is still confused, she wants to just take things nice and slow and see how things go. I think she wants me to come to see her in February.

Its good that you've sorted things out. Confirm that she does want you to come in February. "Slow" may mean that she wants to postpone meeting. Who knows?

Yeah, she wants me to come but I can't help feel that she is just saying that out of guilt cos she told me to buy the tickets and THEN told me about her problems. One thing is for sure. She has changed and still isn't sure about her feelings for me. Ohh well, guess I'll find out in February.

Her feelings may change once she sees you. You never know. Think positive. Everything will be just fine.

And she'll never know until she meets you

Hope it all goes well for you!

Yes, thats true. Well, the update is that she wants me to come in February and we are back chatting on MSN, but, since she told me she isn't sure if she loves me anymore, and since her attitude towards me has been "different" in a negative way, I still don't know what she really wants. Today, she said I was irritating, for the 1st time EVER. Not so long ago she was saying "oohh I love you so much, don't ever change, promise me you won't change". Well, I havn't changed, she has and its eating me up inside.

Did she tell you why you were supposedly irritating her or did she just state the fact?

I mean, I've told my s/o that he was annoying before but that's just because I was in a mad mood; he isn't annoying, far from it!

Take what she said to thought but not to heart. She may have just been in a bad mood for all you know.

She keeps using this "stressed out with work" routine. She has been stressed out before but never said anything like that to me. Maybe I'm over-reacting but I can't shake this "feeling" that something is wrong that she's not telling me about. I don't mind ppl being moody and bad tempered at times, yeah, we are all like that, that's not the issue. I just can't shake this feeling that things aint right and I'm scared to go and see her now incase I just get disappointed.

The thing is sometimes your feelings, although you want so badly to be proven wrong, can often times be dead on.

Ask her for honesty. Chances are your "feeling" is quite a specific one so open up to her about your concerns and make sure that she feels comfortable telling you the truth no matter how afraid she is to hurt your feelings.

Yes I agree and I have sent her a few e-mails asking her where I stand. She keeps saying nothing is worng and that she understands how I feel. Her latest bombshell is that she told me she might not be able to get time off work for my visit cos she is so busy !!! what I find so strange is that all this has transpired AFTER I purchased the plane tickets. I bought them on her request, believing that she loved me (as she told me often enough) and that our relationship was as strong as ever, no matter how busy she was. Two weeks ago, she changed her "friendster" profile from "In a relationship" to "Its Complicated" and erased the bit that said "I want to meet my special someone who lives 6000 miles away". The day AFTER I got the tickets, she told me she didn't know how she felt and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. Now she is asking me not to log onto MSN cos she is so busy and stressed out at work. I also know for a fact that she hasn'tr even ASKED for time off at work for my visit - if i was in her shoes, I would have asked for time off WEEKS ago. From where I am sitting, it looks like she is just making excuses to avoid me, and I think she feels guilty cos she KNOWS I already got the tickets and she is scared to let her family down. I have e-mailed her, tried to talk to her on the phone, but she just evades any serious talk and makes out I'm being over sensitive and paranoid. Shes the one who says she doesn't love me anymore, how am I supposed to feel ? This may also be clutching at straws as well, but at xmas time, I sent Cards to her and her family, and some presents to her. Did I get anyhting from her ? no. no card, no E-mail, no text message - NOTHING to say "Merry Xmas" to a person who she says she loves. I didn't expect or demand anything, but you know, with hindsite, maybe I have expected too much in this relationship and opened my heart too soon. Thats not my fault. Her friendster profile used to have LOADS of photo captions all saying "ooh I love you" etc etc. Of course it melted my heart.

I'm sorry for ranting on but i'm preparing for the worst cos something aint right.

Just curious if there's any way you can return the tickets for a credit to use some other time. It really doesn't sound good from what you are saying and it would suck to go all the way out there and not have a good time.

I swear there has to be a simple explanation for why she is backing off of you so fast. Maybe she is insecure about her looks? Maybe she chatted with you online but never had intentions to meet you? I don't know but there has to be some logical explanation for her behavior. I would suggest trying to see if you could get a refund on those tickets. If not, then see if you can get them to somewhere else and give yourself a little vacation. You deserve it!

She is GORGEOUS and she knows she is, so she isn't worried about her looks.

She PLANNED and WANTED to meet me, telling me for months that she wanted me to come and see her. in her own words, "we spoke about your visit for ages now so I want to meet you". All was PERFECT until 2 weeks ago when this "attitude" of hers began

That's what it sounds like, and the worst thing is, its the not knowing. The thing is, it was her idea for me to come in February and when we 1st met online away back in June, we spoke all the time about me visiting her, so it wasn't like it was a sudden idea. Also, when I met her online, I let her "control" the relationship. I wated for her to ask me for my cellphone number (which she did do). I waited for her to tell me she loved me before I told her, so I know for sure that I havn't pushed her or gone too fast. We haven't even spoken about sex or anything so its not like she thinks I just want her for that "one thing". I'm temped to send a message to her best friend to find out if she knows anything....if her friend speaks to her, it may make her realise that I'm a wrek here.

I don't see why not. Talk to her friend and see what's up. Do not, however, sound desperate. That may just turn her away more. You have the right to know what is going on so seek out a third party for some information if you have to.

Well, I spoke to her on MSN last night, and when I asked her about how she felt, she just got SOOO defensive and tried to evade the issue by saying she was too busy to talk. She then said "can we talk about something happy for a change" and accused me of pestering her. I said "ok" so she spoke about my trip to see her AND the presents I was going to bring for her and her family. Funny, as soon as the disussion changed to presents, her workload mysteriously disappeared and she kept pestering me to tell her what I was going to bring her. Why is she SOOOO evasive about my feelings ? I just don't get it.

Sounds like she's using you. If I were you I'd get down to the nitty gritty and tell her to tell me exactly what was going on or I wouldn't come and there would be no presents.

We just had a short chat on MSN. She definatly wants me to come and visit. There are a number of possibilities :

(1) She knows she doesn't love me or wants me, but will meet me anyway to convince herself that she was right.

(2) She is only 22 and this is a big thing for her, so she is naturaly scared and just doesn't want to get hurt herself so she is putting up a defense mechanism

(3) She has a problem with confrontations- this IS in her characther because she is always scared to ask people things and tell people things because, as I said, she is only 22 and not had much relationship experience.

(4) She gets upset when I back off from her and don't e-mail her - she certainly feel something.

geez. I just wish things were back to normal. Why is life so screwed up at times ?