Marriage:

And are you okay with that plan? Maybe not fully if you are posting this thread, but if you believe that is a good plan, and you see him working towards it, are you okay with it?

I personally think living together first is a good idea, though I know many don't..many believe it will actually delay marriage or prevent it, but in what I have seen, it only shows those whom should not be getting married they should not be...those I know who really want to get married, still get married if they have the same "plan".

I'm okay with it, but I want to be able to talk about it to him whenever I want. I posted the thread because I felt like we should be able to do that now. And part of me wondered if things changed or something like that, mostly because I won't be confident until something has happened.

I would rather us live together right now or soon, but he won't get an apartment; only a house. And that will take a lot longer... other than that I am fine with it. Like I said, I feel we should be able to talk about it... rather than him always not wanting to. He's always been that way on the subject, but I wish it would change since he finally said it.

-edit-

That was why he said it, too, was to live together and make sure we are compatible. He never said it in those words-- he said something weird trying to be funny, but similar implying it.

I kind of wondered if that meant he wasn't confident in us though after all these years....?

That was why he said it, too, was to live together and make sure we are compatible. He never said it in those words-- he said something weird trying to be funny, but similar implying it.

 

I kind of wondered if that meant he wasn't confident in us though after all these years....?

Well, in his "defense" of sorts...there is a lot about someone you will never know until you HAVE lived with them, even if you have been together for years. There is just so many little things you never even see, or know, even if you thought you knew it all, and spent tons of time with them, until you do!

Ok, I'll take up the contrary position on living together.

I lived with 3 of my ex-bf's, and, if I had it to do over again....I wouldn't. In 2 of those relationships there was talk of getting married at some point in the future (initiated by the "hims" in both cases), but that's all it was -- talk. No actual proposal, no ring...just a little dance around the idea. Maybe it was a way to see if I was receptive to it, or a way to make shackin' up more socially acceptable or something. Whatever. Point is the idea never got beyond the talkin' phase.

The actual living together was all the grunt work of marriage without many of the benefits. Even though it's common enough for couples to live together anymore, there is still a certain social stigma attached to it --unless you say that you're planning on getting married, then it's more or less ok.

Now, if you don't give a flying squirrel what other people think, it's not an issue. If you do, then it is. It wasn't an issue with me except when my very-traditional mother would say mean, uncalled-for and out of line things to me about living with my college bf. Even so, it was her behavior I had issue with, not the stigma of living together. If it hadn't been shackin' up, she would've found something else to nag about, but that's another story.

I did live with my husband before we got married, but we didn't move in together until there was a definite proposal, a ring, and while there wasn't a date, there was an agreed-upon time frame.

I'm not sure I fully believe the theory that living together will give you a clear picture of what being married is like. It will give you part of the picture, yes...but not the full picture. Problem here is that some people will be content enough having part of the picture that they won't feel the need to get the whole picture. Having lived with bfs and a husband, there is a subtle but important difference between unmarried living together and married. It's not any one big, defineable thing...but rather a lot of different, little things. Then again, maybe it's just my perception and no one else sees it that way.

xmirth, in the posts of yours I have read (admitedly not ALL of them, so if you have brought this up, please pardon me), I haven't seen any mention of other plans for your life. You have mentioned going to college...what are you going for? What career goals do you have? What do you think you want to achieve (other than marriage) 5 years from now? 10 years from now? If all you want is to get married....what happens after that?

A very important thing in determining the ultimate success or failure of a relationship is a match in the relationship goals of both partners. If one partner wants marriage and the other doesnt, you're going to have problems (for many, this is a deal breaker). If one partner wants children, and the other doesn't, you're going to have problems (again, deal breaker for many). He's the only one he can tell you what his relationship goals are. If he has, and they're not in line with what you want, then you've got a couple of basic options:

1. Compromise - this means you BOTH give up a little something to get a little something in return. Requires both partners to be open, honest, communicative AND to follow up with action to back up the words.

2. Acquiesce - (def. "To consent or comply passively or without protest") Meaning you give up what you want and go with his plan

3. Move on - self-explanatory...all the better to be single and meet someone who shares your goals

4. Acceptance - Acceptance doesn't mean you like/condone/approve of whatever you're accepting. Acceptance is the conscious acknowledgement of what is....nothing more.

Don't know him, so I don't know what your chances of gettin' option #1 are...just from the fact you've posted here about this several times, my guess is he's not in a frame of mind to compromise on this....otherwise he would and your problem would be greatly minimized or solved altogether.

Option #2....I don't think that's a good idea for your long-term happiness. "MY way or the highway" may work in an employer-employee relationship...not so much in romantic relationships.

Option #3...you don't seem to even want to consider this one, so beyond mentioning the option is there, it's not worth discussing.

Option #4...Acceptance would give you peace of mind, but it may not give you what you want. But if you can also accept that you may not get what you want when you want it as well as accepting the situation....that could work. Until you decide the situation is no longer acceptable and decide to take one of the other options.

Personally, I'd be all over option #3, but you're not me, so you'll choose something different that would work for you, and that's exactly what you should do.

You probably already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway...please think about what your expectations about marriage are. What do you think being married will do for you? For him? Because if you think it will give you security, confidence, lessen your anxiety (I recall you posting about having anxiety issues, if I have confused you with another poster, I apologize), or transform any other aspect of your life or personality you are not happy with OR expect it to make some major change in him (behaviorally or personality wise)...I'm afraid you're in for a big disappiontment. Day after I got married, I still had the same collection of baggage as when I was single....only now, I had someone else's luggage to tote around as well...and it didn't really match my floral print bags.....

everyone is going to give you different answers. I can only share with you my experiences.

My boyfriend and I are about the same age as you and your guy. We have been dating only half the time you two have, but its still relatively long.

We live together and I am glad we do, because I really know what life together is now.

As for marriage, for me it is important that school is finished and that we find a secure stable job before then. Before that, if we marry, what would happen if our jobs take us different places or something happens with school...I dont know, I feel there is too much at hand, and too much responsibility with being married until we have accomplished our major goals. (School and work)

We are technically married. I mean, we live together, we have dinner together every night at the table, discuss our days, cook together, clean together, go out with friends together and alone, sit down together to watch our favorite shows. I nag at him to pick up, he nags at me for making him..its sick but at least we know we work together for the most part. I know how his family is with us living together and I know the things I will have to deal with if I do end up marrying this guy.

So in my opinion there's still a lot more to live through together. You are 20, and say you've been together for 6 years. Well most of those 6 years you two were incredibly young, and probably immature...so this is where the real test begins. Plus cut him a little slack, he just got into his 20's...and you havnt even broken into them yet!! relax, there's a fabulous world waiting for you.

While my boyfriend and I are very responsible and mature in alot of aspects, he is a full time student, I work and am learning my 4th language, I still feel we are not ready to take the next big step into promising teh rest of our lives together. We have promised eachother commitment to try and make it to that next step, but I feel we, being so young have still so much more to g row and learn together.

i think you should give it more time with him, now as you get older together, you two will face many more experiences with the years that are going to be far more than what you could have ever experienced at 15 16....

i wouldnt rush it...you're so young...embrace your youth, take advantage of it! travel, learn more things....don't worry about marriage yet...we're solucky to be young right now and be with someone we love. LIve it up, marriage will come eventually, at the right time, without any pressure from anyone.

I'd understand if you were crossing your mid-late 20s, after 10-12 years with this guy and he hadn't even brought it up! Then I'd be like "hey are you ever planning on it?" but its too soon to tell.

It seems to me you need to build up a little bit more of your own life.

To be completely 100% honest, I really don't think that us being together at 14 and 15 changes too much... except we are strong and so committed and really really know eachother-- all things like that. It isn't like we were attached at the hip and always made decisions together all of the time-- that wasn't until after high school. We did a lot of things apart for the first 3 years but even so, we were still a strong couple; I just think we were young at -that- time.

We had a lot of time apart during high school, and even though we grew together, we still did so much separate... he and I both had our own friends and did our own things on weekends most of the time because we'd see eachother all week long, and we worked, and had our own experiences separate from eachother.

I just don't think being with him since then changes a whole lot other than in positive ways... I mean, we are so so different now than we were even just a couple of years ago. We grew apart and grew together at the same time.

I think that if we didn't go out for 6 years, and say maybe 2 or 3 years, the only difference it would probably make is that I wouldn't feel like we should be talking about it now as much as I feel we should at 6 years. I've been with a couple other boyfriends before him, though still really young, and I'm really really not interested in dating anyone else just to do it as I'm young now. Even just from that I already feel like I've dated enough. I have been able to get myself into the state of mind of like "what would I do without him?" and I'm not interested in dating other guys... I'm just really not. That is something I wouldn't ever regret not doing.

Well he will be out of college and has already worked full time in his field. When I am out, we would combine make probably around $120,000 together, just for starters. I won't get into detail online what we're going for, but they are careers very high in demand, and for starters is about half of that as it would be an estimate combined. So we should be well off financially in the long run.

I want to get married because I want to live together and start a family and just do everything you would in a marriage. I want to make those kind of decisions together and share those type of things. We both want all of the same things except he won't really talk about it right now, but he's mentioned it. I can't see him living with me and never proposing... he wouldn't do that because living together would be FOR being engaged and that's what we've talked about.

I just feel like the length of time we've been together we should be talking for more definite plans, but I know I should be more concerned when I'm older than just 20... but I have no idea what we should be establishing right now by talking about it more, or if we should continue on as we are and do as he has been doing: his entire attitude towards our relationship is him saying we've been together for 6 years and it should be more obvious to me how we will be together. He acts like it's so absurd for me to think otherwise, so I wonder if he means even more positive things for our future but can't say/communicate them right.

I have been able to get myself into the state of mind of like "what would I do without him?"

And what did you come up with? What would you do?

I'm not interested in dating other guys... I'm just really not. That is something I wouldn't ever regret not doing.

You aren't interested now, but we change SO much in our 20's... it's amazing how much growth I had from 20-30, and those around me as well. It's hard to be certain that you would not regret not developing yourself more as an individual before getting married. That doesn't necessarily mean dating other people, but getting more comfortable in your own skin as a single and self sufficient individual.

You have not had an identity outside of this relationship. Your entire adult life so far has been as his girlfriend. And it shows. Your insecurities about every little thing he does... all that anxiety.... I'll bet if you HAD spent some time on your own you would not analyze it so much and worry so much, because you would know that no matter what you were worthy and self sufficient... and he would be lucky to have you, and if not, you'd be OK too. How much of your time is spent worrying or thinking about him and this relationship? Alot, I'll bet.

Martha, I and some others here have told you before that we think you have lost your identity to this relationship... that the main line of your existence is as a partner to your boyfriend, and not so much as an individual. I mean, you can't even get through a weekend and not see him if he's around. You can't enjoy time with friends if you know he's free. That's just not healthy. Now you are pushing for even more.... I wonder why you can't use that zeal to work on your OWN interests and self growth outside of this relationship.

Earlier you mentioned wanting to live for NOW. Melrich (I think) brought up a great point that you are in college, have had a steady guy for a long time.. what is wrong with that for NOW? What is wrong with just being 20 and finishing school and waiting until, seriously, you are 25 or so, and then talking about wedding plans?

Your guy's time line (move in together in 2 years, marry a few years after that) puts you right at about 25. I can promise that you will change and grow a great deal during this time.

Don't you want HIM to discuss marriage when HE'S ready? He is 21 for Pete's sake. No matter how long you've been with him, that is not typically the first thing on a 21 year old guy's mind. I know alot of 30 somethings who have not yet reached that point. Remember that this "marriage" would include both of you pledging your lives to one another. It's pretty serious. I would think you would want him to be as enthusiastic to commit to it as you are, and at 21 that is just not likely yet.

I am 30. Been with my guy 3+ years now. I want to marry him and have a family with him too, and we will. There is plenty of time for that. At 10 years behind me, you have more than enough time to relax, enjoy your youth a little, enjoy your time with your guy, and not push so much about getting married.

It really needs to be put into perspective. You are 20. That is very young. You were children for at least a few years of your relationship. Relationships you had in between or before him, can hardly count as serious at that age. You have not even completed college, have never lived on your own, aren't even old enough to legally drink yet. There is so much more to go through and experience before you get married.

Shes2smart brought up a gread point too. Do you honestly think your guy's behaviors/ attitude will change when you get married? They won't. The man he is now, is the man he will be with a wedding band on his finger. Whatever anxieties and baggage you carry now will not change with wedding vows. The same problems you have with him now, will still be there even if and when you marry him.

I find it interesting how you don't seem to want to believe that you will change and grow in the coming years to where your boyfriend may no longer be the right "fit" for you. Sure you could be together forever, but there is a possibility that you will both change, you should consider that.

But hey, if you want to get married that bad.... I know one thing is kinda certain, the problems, pet peeves.. or whatever you want to call them won't go away when you do. Marriage does not miraculously fix a situation, it takes work, every day and lot's of compromise and love.

If now you have issue with him being with his friends instead of you--or not inviting you, once you are married and have babies it will be all that much easier for him to tell you "hon you stay here with baby, I'll be back later" not saying it WILL happen, but who'se to say it won't? I've seen it happen...sure you could be "different" but do you want to take that risk ? That's one of those things you should think about before...not after....

In any case. I'm not against marriage, I just hope you have lot's of other plans for your future besides that one. There is any number of things, and I don't want to name them--too sad, that could happen where you don't end up marrying when or who you wanted. You need to have a plan A-this should be plan B. Have something else going on in your life...don't make this your everything girl.

I'd hate for you to wake up one day and find yourself a middle-agged unhappy woman who wonders "where did my life go? I didn't get to do x,y,z before I settled down with one guy. I should have waited"

Love