Do you feel it necessary to get married?

I was wondering... how many people here believe that it's important to them to get married? I'm not talking about super early in life or re-married, just married in general. I was curious because I know some of my friends that are ok with just "being and living together" for as long as 5 years and feeling the need to not have to be married. On the other hand, I want to get married and then continue my life with the person I'm living with.

So if yes you feel it necessary, respond with a yes or "y"

If you don't find it necessary for you, then no or "n" is the answer for you.

Thank you.

Do I feel it is NECESSARY? No.

Do I want to? Yes.

I know many relationships where the people are unmarried and perfectly happy. My mum and stepfather have been together 20+ years, and have never married. I know he has asked her, but together they decided they just were not wanting to. Both were previously married, met when I was 7, my youngest sister was only three months old, and they moved in about a year into it and blended the families (4 kids total). He accepted her three kids wholly, her his one child, they have brought us up wonderfully, and are to me...a role model couple. He has always been there for her, her for him...though they come from very different backgrounds (he's a blue collar worker, she's very well educated) they are extremely compatible and compliment each other and have their own interests. He is now supporting her through breast cancer.

Here the laws are also different, in that common law partners are far more protected then they are in other areas.

So, to me, getting married is not a necessity.....

But I do want it. Because I WANT to have that commitment presented to the world. I want that special bond between us. For me it is important that my children come after marriage (be it by natural birth, or adoption..or whatever). And I want my mother to see me get married especially since we do not know what the future holds with her. I am fine with just a VERY small wedding...to me it is about the marriage, not the wedding itself. However, there are other considerations...I need student loans as I am going back to school, so cannot be married RIGHT now either (long engagement would be fine though!) until we have other financial abilities to pay for school!

There is no wrong or right, what matters is you as partners are compatible in your reasons, and neither of you is hoping to change each others mind, or sacrifice your own desires if they are important to you - I often see resentment happen in such situations. I have one friend that has been with her partner 9 years, and she has given up on marriage basically....even though she wants it....they talk about it, but she has wanted it for 8 years now....and she still stays.

Anyway for me, the point is I WANT to get married to my CURRENT partner because WE are right together, not just for the sake of getting married. In the past, there are some people I dated I did NOT want to marry, and that was a sign right away this was not the one for me.

I think it is far better to WAIT for the RIGHT person to marry, and be happy alone for a while until that, then to be married, but miserable, to the wrong person. Even if it meant delaying having children, or having to adopt, or whatever, it's more important I marry the RIGHT person, have the RIGHT father for my future children, and so forth, then marry someone whom is wrong, just because my clock was ticking!

Yes and no.

(Ah, I always gotta make it difficult)

Prior to the age of about 36-37, I woulda said no, not necessary, not me, no way, never.

I lived with 3 different boyfriends from the ages of 22-37...broke up with the last one due in part to his cheating, in part because I wanted to get married & he didn't.

I can't say, exactly, what happened there in my mid 30's, but I knew I wanted to commit to building a life with one person in the context of a marriage. I also knew that I would NOT shack up with another bf again unless I got married.

I met my husband 4.5 months after my 37th birthday. We were married 6 weeks after my 38th birthday. I have never regretted the decision to marry, nor have I regretted the decision to postpone marriage until my late 30's. (There were other, earlier opportunities I had declined because it didn't feel like the right thing to do at the time)

Never wanted kids, so that was never a factor in my decision. I think that simplified things considerably.

Not sure what you're looking for, but I would suggest to you that a simple yes or no answer will only give you a snapshot of what a person happens to think at a particular moment in time. Whether they still feel the same in a few weeks, a few months or a year or more is uncertain.

RayKay, I totally agree with you. I see the bond that I desire with my guy but as we discussed it recently, he said that it WILL happen, just that not anytime soon. I don't know how long he wants to wait but I guess I don't to wait too long to where he might lose interest in me, etc. I guess I just think about it a lot and wonder if it will really happen. I mean, we bought a house together.. you would think that that would be a step closer to marriage, wouldn't you?

I think it depends. For myself and my fiance, getting married makes the familia issues go away. Her father and my mother would take issue with indefinite living together. I also think once you are having children that it is better. If you are going to committ to kids, committ to each other.

"No" I don't feel it necessary. I don't know if I'd want to.... I am too indifferent lol.

The only value I see in marriage that cannot be attained without it is the public display of togetherness and expression of your committment to one another. edit: I mean the public display of such committment

Yeah, and we definitely want kids (of course, not right now) but I think he's scared considering his parents split and have both remarried and some split... but you see the pattern. He doesn't want to make a mistake in the first place. I mean, I don't know how I can convince him that he's not making a mistake.. I mean, if we were serious enough to purchase a home together, I would think it's a sure thing. That's my opinion.

Y and N.

It's between the two people, and the opinions of what's normal don't matter in the slightest.

I known unmarried couples who have bonds that are amazing, and married people who act like enemy combatants.

As far as children go, I don't see what marriage provides except social approval. An unmarried couple can raise wonderful children, and the parents are legally bound to them regardless of marital status.

I got married to express my commitment. I never felt legally forced to treat my wife well. It was all a personal matter.

Actually, to some degree a good relationship should be independent of marriage.

maybe because i dont want kids...maybe because ive seen soooo many divorces from my friends and family....maybe because im scared of change.

but i dont HAVE to get married. i enjoy my relationship. i dont have this urgent need to have someone else's last name or the legalities that go with it. i am devoted to my bf and he is devoted to me.

i guess also knowing that if we dont work out...we dont have to get a judge involved...and that is a huge convenience.

but if it meant a great deal to my bf to get married...i would consider it.

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I am just one that feels like it is something that I want to do... express my love to him legally. Maybe it's because all of my friends and friends that we have together are getting married, are married or the like and I'm started to put ideas into my head that it won't ever happen. But if one is in it for love, then that's all that should matter, right? Right.

Do I find it necessary? No

Does society find it necessary? Yes

I think that as people we have this idealistic distorted perception of what marriage actually is. This is no different than other aspects of life, people just like build up certain ideas. Im not saying that this is wrong but it also has to deal with peoples idealistic nature. People want to believe in the idealistic nature of certain things and marriage is one of them. We all should remember that when we look at the history of the world it is a relatively new concept that people get married for love.

Like anything else there are good and bad points about marriage. I feel that marriage is not a necessity instead people should get married because they actually WANT to.

Not to sound cynical, but like Christmas, marriage has also become an industry.

My entire wedding ceremony cost me $20, and our wedding night was spent on the porch of a mobile home. I don't think our marriage suffered for not throwing a big bash.

Actually, no one seemed at all interested in our wedding, so I can't claim any social pressure.

We were never pressured to have kids either.

It's not as much necessary as it's just something I really want for myself (and for my future kids).

Not only for reasons concerning children, but also because I know how much my parents would appreciate seeing their children happily walking down the aisle. There's more symbolic meaning behind the whole thing for me than anything.

I don't really know when, where, how, or with whom. I'll figure all that out when I feel it's time.

I agree with DayWalker.

I don't find it a necessary, but somehow it has become the norm of long-term couples.

We all have the choice whether or not to get married; and we shouldn't feel influenced or pressured either way.

Not to sound cynical, but like Christmas, marriage has also become an industry.

 

My entire wedding ceremony cost me $20, and our wedding night was spent on the porch of a mobile home. I don't think our marriage suffered for not throwing a big bash.

 

Actually, no one seemed at all interested in our wedding, so I can't claim any social pressure.

We were never pressured to have kids either.

It is an industry. Everything seems more expensive once it is for a wedding. We are having a big bash. She wants it, and I am for it. Well, I am for whatever she wants, because I got my the fist and biggest choice, where. Big difference in location between her original choice and mine, thousands of miles. And no one gives you a break.

Sounds like a worthwhile production if she enjoys it.

I think businesses that serve weddings and funerals do well since costs aren't supposed to be questioned, Couples don't want to argue and the star of a funeral can't haggle well.

Sounds like a worthwhile production if she enjoys it.

 

I think businesses that serve weddings and funerals do well since costs aren't supposed to be questioned, Couples don't want to argue and the star of a funeral can't haggle well.

I honestly CANNOT imagine even wanting such a huge affair. I know once the engagement happens, many women change their mind on that so I know I will get some "you just wait until it's you..." reactions, but for me...bigger wedding = bigger expense = bigger stress = bigger drama!

I have ALWAYS been very keen on the VERY small deal, family members, closest friend or two. I just see so many go through the BIG BIG weddings and end up so stressed over it, and in huge debt too...I'd rather use that money for a downpayment on a house! Plus, the smaller I can keep it, the easier it is to have a reason NOT to invite second cousin Bob's boss's daughter's best friend.

Wedding are a great way to start a marriage with stress, expense and lack of privacy. A perfect first test for any couple.

My wedding consisted of a minister, a witness and us standing on a boulder in a desert stream. A $3 bottle of crappy "champagne" bobbed in the stream. I gave the minister $20, we passed the bottle around and that was it. When we got home and told our gay neighbors, they got together and made us a wedding cake and threw a party at a gay bar. Our families had no real interest in going to a wedding and didn't feel slighted at all. In fact our parents have never met each other.

A week prior, I had a vasectomy in preparation for the event. It cost me $150 but I don't consider that a wedding expense.

I wouldn't change a thing.

When I was in high school & college, my mother had a little side business making wedding cakes.

The prospective bride & her entourage (friends, mother, other family) would come to our house, sample my mother's homemade cake, look at pictures of cakes she's made previously, talk about what ideas they had. Since my mother made a specialty homemade cake that was very different from a box mix or what you could get from a bakery, she could charge premium prices....and she did.

Even then, I didn't get it.

My wedding consisted of me & him going to the courthouse on a weekday morning, paying $40 for the license, going down the hall where they had a couple of ministers who just hung around waiting to perform weddings, tipping the minister $20, then going out to lunch. Our rings were ordered online and cost just over $100 for the pair of 'em.

No guests, no family, no fancy clothes, no photographer, no cake, no reception, no flowers, no wedding planner, no invitations, no gifts (and no thank you notes), no melted chocolate fountain with strawberries because "that's all the rage this season", and no drama.

End result: just as married with no huge bills.

adidas7fire - You have mentioned a couple times the two of you bought a house together. I think you'd be better off looking at that as a business transaction and not as a sign of moving closer to marriage.

I read a lot of financial planning/financial advice kinds of books, and several of them have advised against buying real estate with someone you are not related to (by blood or marriage) or someone you have a business relationship with. There's the potential for things that are messy and difficult emotionally to get messy and difficult financially in a real estate transaction with someone you're not related to or have a business relationship with.

I don't mean to alarm you...chances are you'll be fine. I haven't seen any posts from you indicating there are problems in the relationship, so you will probably be ok. I'm just suggesting to you that you don't read too much into buying the house together so that you can be clear-headed enough to protect your interests on the small chance the need should arise.

Well, I think we are a bit more traditional. And, once we are just inviting familes, it is not small. She invited one uncle's family, one of which has six kids, so there is 14 people, plus in one swoop. So the other uncles and family get asked, and then a few friends, and bang, 150+ being asked. When my parents chime in to ask a few friends, etc., we are off the the races. Glad it is below 200.

Shes2smart,

Nice to meet another tightwad.

Yeah, it's different if you actually like & speak to your families.

Neither of us is close to our respective family, so we didn't want them there about as much as they didn't want to be obligated to go.

Shes2smart,

Nice to meet another tightwad.

No! I'm frugal!

Er, thrifty...

Oh, who am I kidding....I'm cheap.

Well, I think we are a bit more traditional. And, once we are just inviting familes, it is not small. She invited one uncle's family, one of which has six kids, so there is 14 people, plus in one swoop. So the other uncles and family get asked, and then a few friends, and bang, 150+ being asked. When my parents chime in to ask a few friends, etc., we are off the the races. Glad it is below 200.

In some weddings...."small" is 300, and that's with family only!

Yikes!

I hear you about family. Sometimes family is a pain in the butt. Not quite a Hallmark ad or a Norman Rockwell painting, but still meanigful.

Saying "I do" still felt like a serious step.