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Not sure if this is abuse, need help deciding whether to leave


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I've been reading a lot of the other posts going back several months and decided to finally post about my situation and see what others think. I'm not sure if my BF of 5 years is actually being emotionally abusive or is just a jerk, but here goes. I'm sorry it's so long.

 

We've had a few issues over the years that I have made compromises over such as his internet porn viewing and the fact that he exaggerates things a lot and sometimes even makes up stories to make himself look better. I learned to spot the truth pretty early on and just ignored the stupid stories unless they somehow affected me because he is good to me in a lot of other ways and I didn't want to be a nagger. Well, I guess it was a mistake because now he's walking all over me sometimes and he seems to have two personalities, one caring and helpful and a great boyfriend, and one angry and prone to sudden outbursts over small things.

 

For example, he is extremely messy and it got to the point where his things were all over the place and he had basically trashed the bedroom and actually it was getting unhealthy on *his side* of the room. I'd ask him to clean up and he would promise to, then not do it. When I finally went in there with a trash bag and started getting rid of his empty beer cans, empty cigarette packs, etc., he got mad and stormed out, only to return later acting like nothing happened. Did he ever go in and finish cleaning it up himself? No, I ended up doing it while he was at work Saturday.

 

Another example, he brought home a kitten a few months ago as a supposed gift for me, but he makes up all the rules about the kitten and is determined that she not roam the house at night but wants her in the bedroom with us. Unfortunately she cries to be let out all night and I'm not getting any sleep because of it. On the rare occasions when she is quiet he is up playing videogames or watching tv until 3:00 a.m. anyway and keeping me awake. He does not understand that I need to sleep, as I get up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work. Last night was the third night in a week that I had to go downstairs to sleep on the couch in my own house because of the noise of him and/or the cat, and when I told him that we need to come to some kind of agreement about the noise level he threw his game controller accross the room and told me I whine all the time and that he'll leave in March if I don't stop.

 

First of all, I do not whine all the time. If anything I've kept too quiet about the things he does and I feel that's why I'm in this spot today, but there's nothing I can do about that now but move forward I guess.

 

He will have angry outbursts over the smallest things ... we went to the video store to rent some movies a few weeks ago and I didn't feel good so I told him I'd wait in the car while he finished picking out his movies and he got angry because I wasn't picking anything out and threw the movies he had picked out on the counter and stormed out refusing to rent them. To me that was really stupid, I never said for him to hurry or anything, just that I was going to wait in the car because I needed to sit down. This scenario has happened in other situations too but I won't list them all. Basically he takes offense at the slightest thing and then has almost a martyr reaction to it is the best way I can describe it.

 

He's never been physically abusive to me but I've seen him throw things quite a few times. I don't know if this other stuff constitutes emotional abuse at all but I just know I am walking on eggshells around him most of the time now. It seems like as long as I don't ask him to do anything or question anything he does he treats me very well, but as soon as he doesn't get his way on something his reaction is to have a tantrum. Later he always acts like nothing happened.

 

I'm sorry if this is confusing but I'm at my wits end with him. I love him very much but I don't love this side of him and this side is appearing more and more often lately. As far as him leaving in March, he threatens that kind of thing every time he gets angry over something and he never follows through. I told him last night I'm not sure if I can wait until March if things don't change and then he said he's going to cancel his college classes and quit school today because of me, but I told him I'm not taking the blame if he does, it's his choice. Did he do that? No, he's here at work like he always is (we work at the same place). In fact, he's acting normal as pie. I see him frequently throughout the day.

 

I read the article someone posted called The Loser over and over and I think I have myself a loser, even if he treats me well a lot of the time. I'd like to be able to set up some rules with him like the tv goes off at 11 or he can take his games and things down to the living room and let the darn kitten roam around the house at night if she wants to but he has already refused the kitten roaming and I'm pretty sure bringing up the noise thing again is going to result in another tantrum. Am I asking too much of him? Am I wrong that these tantrums aren't normal behavior? He talks about our future like we'll be together until we both grow old and die, but if he seriously wants that then why isn't he willing to compromise on a couple of small issues, especially since I've already given in on quite a few myself and learned to live with them?

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This is how my relationship with my ex started out. In the beginning I thought I was over reacting, and then I realized I was miserable all the time and that wasn't normal.

 

If I would question anything he did, he would make me pay for it. Either with silent treatment or pouting or angry outbursts (or questioning my sanity/intelligence).

 

This lasted for months. Things turned worse. He threatened to rape me out of "frustration", he grabbed me one night when I was trying to leave, he made me feel like an idiot for every single thing I did/thought/believed.

 

And finally I left. I'm still having a hard time staying away from him. He calls me all the time. But I have set some specific rules for that, so I think I'm finally getting away for good.

 

I would watch this closely. It doesn't necessarily look like abuse now, but I believe it could easily, easily turn into it. If it continues or gets worse, I would break up with him. He obviously ignores your suggestions for compromises, etc. Meaning he thinks he's entitled to act this way, and that your opinions can be ignored. That right there is pretty much the starting place for every kind of abuse.

 

How long have you been together? Because it sort of looks like how things happened with me. My ex started acting like this about six months into the relationship. Six months after that, we were broken up. BUt I guess it can happen faster or slower depending on the person.

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Hi there!

 

Yes, this is abuse...it's emotional and verbal abuse.

 

"On the rare occasions when she is quiet he is up playing videogames or watching tv until 3:00 a.m. anyway and keeping me awake. He does not understand that I need to sleep, as I get up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work. Last night was the third night in a week that I had to go downstairs to sleep on the couch in my own house because of the noise of him and/or the cat, and when I told him that we need to come to some kind of agreement about the noise level he threw his game controller accross the room and told me I whine all the time and that he'll leave in March if I don't stop."

 

Right there is abuse. It's neglect...the worst kind of abuse IMO. He totally disregarding your BASIC needs which is sleep. The fact he is throwing stuff around is more emotional abuse. And the fact he threatens to leave is more abuse.

 

 

" ...am walking on eggshells around him most of the time now."

 

Huge red flag to me...it shows abuse to me. This is so wrong and you don't deserve this. IMO, any kind of ongoing type of abuse leads to one person to feel he/she is walking on eggshells.

 

"I love him very much but I don't love this side of him and this side is appearing more and more often lately."

 

I am sorry to point out, this is not love...this is dependence. You cannot possibly love someone who treats you this way and makes you feel horrible about yourself. He's got you to feel dependent on him by his temper, outbursts, threats to leave, and his childish behavior. Again, this falls right in line with some kind of abuse.

 

You are LETTING this happen, people wil treat you as you LET them. I am not excusing his behavior by any means but permitting it promotes it. You giving into his tantrums and cleaning up after him is all behavior of you letting him treating you this. He does not respect you at all. Put your foot down and don't tolerate this kind of treatment and behavior. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect and loves you wholeheartedly. Take care and wishing you all the best.

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After 5 years you probably have a good idea of what the future holds for you as a couple. It would be quite a stretch to call it abuse. I get the impression you aren't working as a team to make life better; it resembles a tug-of-war.

 

Maybe you're unhappy with this guy but stay with him for his better qualities. Only you can decide if he's good for you.

 

You could nag him into an anger management program or a counselling session, confront him with a list of demands and/or move out until he cleans up his act. I suspect leaving is the most effective way to get his attention, but that would be hardest on you.

 

I wish you well.

 

Kellbell,

I have a hard time understanding how neglect is the worst kind of abuse. Not that I condone neglect, but I've seen the results of beatings and murder threats up close. That's always been my definition of the worst, especially when the wife and kids share the injuries.

I can understand that your experiences might give you a different point of view, so I respect your opinion.

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It seems like as long as I don't ask him to do anything or question anything he does he treats me very well, but as soon as he doesn't get his way on something his reaction is to have a tantrum. Later he always acts like nothing happened.

Hey Girl,

 

Welcome to enotalone!

 

I lived with an ex for 5 years who was abusive both emotionally and physically with me and alot of what you wrote rings true from my relationship too.

 

I think by now you've guessed that in a healthy relationship you should not feel afraid to ask for your own needs, such as sleep and a reasonably sanitary house.

 

Your boyfriend has an explosive temper and likes to control things (the cat has to be in the bedroom? what is that?), and he acts like a child when things do not go his way. In addition, he threatens to leave you if things don't go his way.... emotional abuse, and a good way to control you, wouldn't you say?

 

My concern with this is that you are so concerned with losing him, that you are slowly losing yourself... trying to please him.

 

I wonder if you've tried to reason with him and talk to him about this.... my guess is yes and he flew off the handle. Would I be far off here?

 

Hon, as someone else said, after 5 years you are pretty clear on what a relationship with him entails. If you are happy living like this than you would not be posting on here.

 

My next question to you is, what will you do about this now?

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Dako...that's why I put it IMO....I have been through all of it and in my experience....neglect has hurt me the most and caused the most damage to my state of mind. I didn't say as a fact...I stated in my opinion...my experience. I am not disagreeing with what you wrote...I am basing my answer on personal experience is all.

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There is one line in your post that tells you everything you need to know. It is this:

just know I am walking on eggshells around him most of the time now.

 

In a healthy relationship, people don't behave like that. In a healthy relationship, rarely (if ever) should the partners feel like they have to walk on eggshells around each other.

 

There may be certain topics where you tread lightly out of respect for the other person....or times of extreme stress (like a death in the family or unemployment) where you may cut your partner some extra slack...but it is not a constant, day-to-day, thing in order to avoid getting your head bitten off.

 

Now, there will be some who will say what he's doing is abuse, some who will say it isn't abuse, some who'll say he's being inconsiderate or immature or something else.

 

It doesn't matter what you label it. The bottom line is it's not a healthy relationship and you are not happy and comfortable in it more often than not.

 

Walking on eggshells and being the only one who gives up anything in the name of compromise isn't a good way to live. I heartily agree with kellbell, people will treat you as well or as badly as you allow them to treat you. Whether he can change his ways is up for debate, but if you have been relating in this way to each other for a long time, it will be very difficult to change the pattern of behavior (on both your parts) now.

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A lot of it probably is dependence on my part. If I ask myself why is he still here, I come up with several things but it's mostly that he's there for me when something comes up and if I need him for something like the car breaks down or when my ex-husband was (sometimes still is) harassing me in court for two years he was there to support me through it. I live in a high-crime city and I feel safer with him around. Just last week there was a break-in next door. He's affectionate and easy to get along with most of the time, but these increasing moody spells and outbursts are ruining it.

 

We've been together for about 5 years and he only started getting like this for the last year or so. He's in school full-time and works also so I know stress is probably part of it, but I don't see that as an excuse to step all over someone you supposedly love. I've been very careful when I ask him to do something or I talk to him about a problem that I do it in a non-confrontational way. I didn't think about asking him if he'd go to counseling or anything like that but maybe I'll try that as a last resort and if he doesn't or even if he does if he's still having tantrums he'll have to go. He's been down to my office three times already this morning and is acting normal but seems to be a little confused like he's the one walking on eggshells for a change today. Maybe when I agreed he should leave it threw him for a loop, I don't know. In the past I would always say I didn't want him to leave but this time I said he should and further that I didn't think I can wait two months for it to happen. Luckily I'm more than able to handle my household on my own, I don't have to rely on him for money at least.

 

I appreciate everyone's input. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it.

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Hey Girl,

 

 

I think by now you've guessed that in a healthy relationship you should not feel afraid to ask for your own needs, such as sleep and a reasonably sanitary house.

 

Your boyfriend has an explosive temper and likes to control things (the cat has to be in the bedroom? what is that?), and he acts like a child when things do not go his way. In addition, he threatens to leave you if things don't go his way.... emotional abuse, and a good way to control you, wouldn't you say?

 

My concern with this is that you are so concerned with losing him, that you are slowly losing yourself... trying to please him.

 

 

Yes, that is exactly how I feel. I'm losing myself. I always had a nice place before. I like nice furniture and keep a reasonably clean home. He has ruined some of my furniture and I constantly trip over his stuff. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch and Martha Stewart would throw up her hands in disgust if she saw my home but if he had his way it would look like a dirty bum's flophouse. Add that to the lack of respect he shows when he keeps me awake knowing I have to work in the morning and ...... grrrrrr, I'm getting mad now. If it was me keeping him awake I'd just go downstairs, but instead I'm the one sleeping on an uncomfortable couch while he stays up most of the night chain-smoking in MY bedroom. I feel like I should be the one having tantrums now that I think about it more.

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Well, I'm not sure. One point that also stands out to me is that if you split too quickly it usually doesn't stick, but then again I think I've been detaching for a couple of months now without realizing it so maybe splitting wouldn't be such a shock to my system after all. The last thing I want is to go back and forth with it. The boring technique sounds interesting but I'm not sure it would work for me, he doesn't seem to ever get bored. I'm still in the confused stage I guess.

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Well, I'm not sure. One point that also stands out to me is that if you split too quickly it usually doesn't stick...

 

Do you mean if you left or invited him to leave, you'd end up returning to him? That's not a result of splitting too quickly, but one of resolve.

You have to make that decision and stick with it. If you do, you'll hurt for a while and be tempted to go back, but the folks here can help you avoid that mistake.

 

From your few posts, you don't sound that hooked on the guy.

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I'm a lot less hooked on him than I used to be. Since he started getting so moody and having these outbursts I've lost some feelings for him I guess. I used to miss him if he wasn't around, now I look forward to times when he won't be around.

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If you prefer an empty house, that tells you a lot.

 

In my case, My wife started to avoid being home with me, working late, overtime, taking trips out of town. Since we split she's much happier and less stressed. I'm a bit annoyed, but she did the right thing.

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now I look forward to times when he won't be around.

 

Hi,

 

If in doubt this one sentence tells you everything you need to know about this relationship and where its headed - nowhere.

This guy is a spoilt selfish little brat and you should pack him stuff when he's at work and put them out in the road. You don't need to tolerate this kind of behaviour not all men act like five yr olds.

Personally if I were in your situation I would have given this guy a tongue lashing and told him to clean up his act of get the hell out of my house and given him a time frame in which to improve or he was out on his ear. I'm not sure that its even worth trying that tactic with this loser though, just kick him out - you're well rid.

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Well I've seen him several times today and it's just like always, he's behaving like nothing happened. Meanwhile I'm sitting here fighting to stay awake after having only 3 hours of sleep last night and probably not more than 5 hours any night for the past month. He'll probably let me get some sleep tonight and think it's all good, but I know it's just going to keep happening. The sleep part isn't the only thing anyway and he knows it.

 

Realistically he won't be able to move out until he gets his tax return at the soonest. I don't hate the guy, so I don't want to just kick him out on the street. He has 3 snakes and a tarantula (and the demon cat who cries all night) and will need to get them set up in a new place. I was thinking of telling him that basically we've been through this before and nothing changed so he needs to find a new place to live. Acting good for a week or two isn't going to cut it this time. As far as whether I want to see him after he moves out, I don't know. Last night he said it was up to me whether we break up. The way I see it we're going backwards anyway so if he moves out we might as well make a clean break and not prolong the inevitable. I'm not sure I'll be able to trust him if he's in his own place anyway, not with what he gets into on the net sometimes.

 

I'm going to need strength for this, a lot of it I think.

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It'll be hard but not as bad as regretting more years of misery. Think of all the people you've known in long unhappy relationships that are afraid to leave. You deserve better. At least someone who lets you sleep and doesn't spread trash in your home.

 

You never realize your strength until you test it. You may surprise yourself.

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Your relationship is definitely psycologically abusive and although I'm sure it would be hard to argue abuse in the eyes of the law you are feeling it and you NEED to get out. Behavior like this onyl gets worse. My ex was abusive and many many of hte things you have mentioned trigger memory of his early behavior. Let's summarry:

 

- He is inconsiderate of you and does not respect your needs (keeping you up all night)

- He is uncaring in general and expects other to take care of him(not cleaning up after himself)

- He is prone to fits of temper

- He is causing you stress, shame, and anxiety about his behavior

 

Get out now before he gets any worse. These are all early signs of abuse. Even if he does not get any worse you are clearly unhappy and with good cause and I'm sure oyu can do better. Maybe he is not physically abusive now but he is displaying so many warning signs that he could very well become abusive. A very large percentage of women do not experience physical abuse until they are put in a vulnerable situation or become dependant (examples: they become pregnant, they agree to quit work, they become injured). Even if he did not become abusive this is not a healthy environment.

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Where should I start? Okay, I'll start with the cat. My ex brought home two cats for "us" one time. I told him it was not in the lease, which was solely in my name. This was not a gift for "us", but for him. I ended up getting evicted because of the cats. Your bf's cat is the same kind of "gift", as it is really for him, not you. Next, keeping you up at night is extremely selfish. So is keeping a bio-hazardous area of the bedroom. Oh, and viewing any kind of porn is cheating plain and simple. If a man truly loves his woman, he should not be looking at other women to get aroused. I've done some research on the subject of domestic violence, in fact I just did a paper on the topic this past semester, and you know what? This guy is fitting the profile of some of the early warning signs of a potential abuser. You see, it's all about control, and every time he throws a tantrum and gets his way, he gains a little more control. Go visit some domestic violence websites and see for yourself like link removed, or do a Google search-just type in domestic violence, early warning signs. In seconds you'll find tons of sights that describe many of your bf's behaviors. My advice to you? GET OUT NOW. Don't YOU let things go til March. You have to make a move now. Get all the support you can, get good friends and family members around you because you're going to need some support, but get out. Contact a domestic violence couselor if you have to for support. And definitely pray and ask God to help you, and He will. He did it for me! I was in a very similar relationship and I was so isolated and scared and frustrated, I didn't know what to do. But God gave me the strength to leave and He'll do the same for you. Just ask Him. Nothing fancy-you can just ask Him for help and He will surely do it! Right now your bf is just throwing objects. Please don't wait til he starts throwing his fists - at YOU, because it's just around the corner, believe me. Save yourself. He doesn't respect or appreciate you. Relationships are about give and take and compromise, and he only ever wants his way. Sounds like you're doing most of the giving and he's doing most of the taking. And it sounds more like a mother-bratty son relationship, than a bf-gf thing. What you described is not a loving, mature, adult relationship. You can do better, and you DESERVE better. Love yourself, and get out!

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Last night he slept on the couch. He probably stayed up half the night looking at porno on the net but I'm not going to even check, why look for something I know will make me mad? I started step one in my plan today, which is I arranged to start moving some of my things out to keep in storage in a friend's basement in case he decides to tear up my stuff before he leaves. I'm thinking about locking down my computer so he can't use it, but I haven't done that yet. If I do that it's definitely going to cause an outburst, since he'd die if he couldn't look at naked girls every night.

 

I looked at my paperwork last night to see when my lease is up because I couldn't remember if it's March or April, and it's March, so I think I will start looking for a new place instead of worrying about how to make him actually leave when the time comes in case his threats are just BS like they have been in the past. When a friend of mine left her BF who was a clinger she got a new place and didn't tell him until moving day. She left him in the apartment and moved on. He sounds like he was a lot like my BF in the way he treated her and she said she didn't want him to sweet talk her into letting him move with her. I think that might work for me too, since just booting him out into the street isn't going to work. Not even considering his pets, he could and probably would create a huge drama scene at work and I can't afford that. If I can manage to bore him maybe he'll leave on his own and if not, I will and by then I will be so boring he won't care.

 

I might even go so far as to quit shaving my legs since he hates it if there's any stubble on them -- he won't come near me then

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lol. Sounds like a plan. I did a lot of that stuff too when I was trying to leave my ex. I even thought about saying I was a lesbian, and that I was in love with my best friend (she agreed to go along with it, even though we were half-joking. I did consider it when I got really desperate though. hehe)! lol. But he took all of my attempts at boredom and ugliness as a personal attack on him, and it made him madder. So I really hope it works for you.

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it's all about control, and every time he throws a tantrum and gets his way, he gains a little more control.

 

I never thought of it that way before but it's true. His outbursts used to be seldom and every time he would apologize for being so rude or temperamental afterward. Lately he doesn't even acknowledge that he had a tantrum, or if he does he blames me for it. He must really think he's in control of me, doesn't he? That's why he goes on scummy sites knowing that it bothers me and not even attempting to hide it. I begged him to quit doing that months ago. He made a few promises which he broke right away but that was it. He knows it bothers me and he couldn't care less.

 

It seems like he's drinking more too. He doesn't go out and binge or anything (but he used to before we started dating) but he will drink 5 or 6 beers or drinks in a row while watching tv or surfing almost every night.

 

I think this is good for me to get it all out in the open. He's starting to look more and more unappealing to me. I feel dumb that it's taken so long, but eh, you live and learn. I know I'm worth more.

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