Not sure if this is abuse, need help deciding whether to leave

Maybe his mother can be present to help him pack, although I wouldn't count on her to stop him from doing anything physical if he really goes balistic. Do you know at least one guy friend who can be there?

Hey Girl,

YES! You absolutely have the right to ask him to leave, IMMEDIATELY, and if he refuses, you can call the police and have him escorted out. Then follow the police to the police station and file a protection order, so he cannot come back and harass you.

If need be, call the police ahead of time and have on there with you when you tell him. Tell the cops that you are afraid for your safety and would like him to leave. The cop will allow him time to pack a bag and take some clothes and necessities, and then after you file the protection order he can arrange with the police a time to come back with them to collect more things- when you are out of the house.

If that lease is in your name and you are paying the rent than it's YOUR place, and he has no legal right to be there.

I know it sounds heartless but wouldn't it be better and safer if you just packed his things and took them over to his mothers place? If he's not inside the house or anywhere near you when he realises whats going on he can't harm you can he? The most important thing here is your safety. If in doubt don't let him near you.

Remember you don't owe him anything not even the break up speech if you think he's going to do something stupid. Hell, send the guy a text message with 'its over your stuff is at your mothers/in the road ta ta' if in doubt.

Hope you are okay. Legally, you have grounds for an order of protection now, and it sounds like it might be a good idea to get one--it can't prevent him from trying something but it means that if you need to call the police they won't just leave him there or shoo him out the door. All you need to get one is FEAR that he will harm you. Plus he sounds like the kind to harass-get drunk and pound on your door all night etc.

Just in case you haven't seen these:

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Also, most states have coalitions against domestic and sexual violence, web sites, hotlines etc. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE. They can all help with a safety plan and advise the best way to address the problem of getting him out of your home and keeping you safe in the process.

Post soon, as we are all anxiously waiting to hear that you are alright!

You are completely right in getting someone over there to help him pack in case he goes balistic, which he will by the way. Watch the change in him, the screaming and crying then suddenly freaking out like a maniac again.

I would get a few people over there to protect yourself, and immediately after he is out, have someone help you change the locks, like your landlord or a member of your family.

I would get him out ASAP so you don't change your mind or lose heart about the situation. It can be done, and you can do it!!

He's gone as of yesterday. I finally lost it when he started talking about not having any money due to some bank errors in his accounts that he couldn't get them to straighten out. He was acting miserable and trying to get sympathy from me and went on and on about it for a week.

I decided to check his bank account online since I have the password and he was right about one thing - he has no money. But it wasn't any bank error, it was mass purchases of online porn, porn on ebay, and porn from a local porn store in the past month. He spent an entire month's pay on porn. I bet he thought if he played the "no money" card I'd let him stay longer, but I was so mad I boxed up enough of his crummy clothes to last a week or so, threw the porn I could find inside and called his mom to see if she could get the box and then pick him up from work last night and she did. Shamefully (a little), I admit I threw a cat turd in the box too.

I wrote him an email this morning and said he would have to make an appointment to get the rest of his sh*t and that I have friends who will be there when he does so don't try to start anything with me. My landlord can't get over to change the locks yet but he said my friend's husband can do it if I get the new locks so they're coming over tonight so he can put the new deadbolts on. I didn't sleep much last night because I heard every little sound but I propped up a glass jar of change on each doorknob so it would crash down and give me some warning if he tried to come in.

I gotta say I feel relief. I'm going to take care of his snakes and rat until he can take them because I'm not heartless but I'm hoping he'll come get all his crap this weekend so I can clean everything that reminds me of him out of my house.

Good for you!

Once in a while, someone on the forum really makes progress, but that poop garnish is ultra stylish.

As nasty as he can be he probably won't even notice.

Congratulations!

I, for one, am quite proud of you--for maintaining your style and wit and general fabulousness throughout the ordeal.

And for just plain kickin' his sorry a_s_s to the curb!

Well done!!!!! You have done brilliantly and shown tremendous strength and courage, good for you. What an absolute waste of extra breathing room for the rest of us this guy is you are well rid of him.

So far I haven't seen him around work, I think he's probably skipping out. My car is parked where I can see it from my office window and I've been watching it a lot although he'd be stupid to try anything here since we have security all over the place. Last night my locks got changed so I can sleep better. I turned off the ringer on my phone and turned off my cell and I didn't have any messages this morning. I don't want to talk to him, at all.

Last night when my friend's husband was changing the locks he said he has a couple friends he could bring over when the ex is getting his stuff and he thinks I should go somewhere else and not be here at the time, and it's probably more sensible than being there when he mopes around or throws a fit. He will NOT be able to get around these guys, one of them used to be in amateur fighting competitions and the husband of my friend is built like a tank. I hope he comes this weekend because if he hasn't picked up at least his snakes by Tuesday or Wednesday I'll have to feed them

I would give him a time limit of how long you are willing to keep these animals before you take them down to the pet shop! A lot people when they are dumped tend to drag their feet about getting/giving back stuff because they think by doing that you will have time to reconsider your decision. Lets face it, he had a cushy little spot there with you and I don't think he's going to be in an hurry to get his stuff in the hope you'll cave and take him back.

Send a quick email along the lines of 'you have until ...... to get your stuff and your pets, if they are not out of my house by then I will put them out in the road.

If you think I'm joking try me.'

That should get the message accross. I'm sure he'll be able to get his mother to help him move his stuff back to her place using her car so don't let him give you BS excuses. Alternatively you could always transport the stuff yourself in your car and dump it all on his mothers porch?

Hey Girl!

Great news! I am so proud for you and happy for you!

I loved the touch of the cat turd in the box. I told my bf and he laughed and said it was payback for lying about the porn.

Now you can have a housecleaning party this weekend and enjoy your space! I'm so glad you have his mom on you side.

Will you keep the cat?

He won't let me keep the cat he got me as a present, I already know that for sure. I had a cat before we got together and I'll still have her. I would love to keep the other one. I'm afraid he'll neglect her but he'll take her just to spite me I'm sure. Right now I still have her and I guess I could say she's hiding when he comes to get her but he'd just come back later so I guess I have to let her go. I hope she scratches him.

You could keep her at a friend's until he's got his stuff and gotten out. Tell hiim you don't know where she was and she's yours anyway.

He gave her to you as a gift... he can't take her back now that you've broken up.

Ok, this doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything, but ever since I read that cat turd bit the other day, I keep hearing this Hayseed Dixie song running through my head. I've always gone for the funny break-up songs...maybe you'll get a few laughs out of it.

Poop In A Jar

I'm keeping your poop in a jar,

Til the day you come back

So I don't forget just what you are.

Yeah I'm keeping your poop in a jar.

You thought you took everything,

but you left something behind for me.

I scooped it out, I bottled it up,

now its there on a stand by the bed

to remind me in case I ever forget.

You're just a piece of...poop.

Let me testify.

I had a moment of weakness once

so I opened the lid for a smell.

It all came back to me baby.

In one vaporous rush I remembered you well.

How could I ever forget,

You're a piece of... poop.

Keeping your poop in a jar,

Til the day you come back

so I don't forget just what you are.

Yeah I'm keeping your poop in a jar.

Now, ho everybody sing.

Keeping your poop in a jar.

Keeping your poop in a jar,

Keeping your poop in a jar.

He won't let me keep the cat he got me as a present, I already know that for sure. I had a cat before we got together and I'll still have her. I would love to keep the other one. I'm afraid he'll neglect her but he'll take her just to spite me I'm sure. Right now I still have her and I guess I could say she's hiding when he comes to get her but he'd just come back later so I guess I have to let her go. I hope she scratches him.

If he gave the cat to you as a gift it is YOUR CAT and he has NO legal right to take it back. If he asks for the cat back, refuse. If he takes you to court over it you'll win.

Sorry it's a gift and he has no right to take the cat back. He's just being as selfish and rude as he can be.

When he comes to get his things and your friends are there, make sure that both your cats are with you wherever you are. He has no right to take either of them.

Shes2smart, thanks for posting that - I had my first laugh of the day

I finally got ahold of his mom yesterday about him getting the rest of his stuff. She said he left Friday afternoon and didn't get back until yesterday morning and he was dead drunk and looks like he's been in a fight. I told her I'd start boxing stuff up but I wasn't going to hold onto it forever so if he doesn't get it out by Saturday I'm taking what I can to goodwill and the rest is going on the curb. I don't know what I'll do with the snakes, I can't just turn them loose. I hope they will just come and get it all this week so I can be done with this.

She was kind of snotty to me on the phone so I think he probably told her a pack of lies about why I made him leave, that or she doesn't want him either. I don't know if he's here today or not but if he's not I guess he must have quit his job too. Loser.

Hey girl,

Thank you for the update. Just remember you are doing everything right. I am so proud of you...you were very brave in all your decisions and I promise you, things will get better. Just let time work it's magic.

Maybe you can call animal control about the snakes. Maybe peruse the yellow pages and see what you can come up with. Maybe sell them on Ebay or something. Yuck! Snakes!!! ewww...you are a remarkable woman. I am so afraid of them. ***shudders***

Ditto! I'm so proud of you! Way to go for sticking to your guns! How are your first few breaths of fresh air? At first it will be hard and unnerving, but soon you'll wonder how you ever tolerated him that long!

Oh girl, you are sooooo much better off without this guy in the picture!

I am so happy for you that you stood up to him and got your life back. Remember that no matter what he told his mother, she will see for herself what he's like and why you sent him packing.

She's probably less then thrilled that she's stuck with him but hey- she can kick him out too-- he's a grown man, even if he doesn't act like it (and being out all weekend drunk and fighting shows how immature he really is).

Congratulations on a job well done.

How are things going today?

The guy is a selfish jack. he wants you to please him and he doesn't put ur feelings into consideration. What a nut.