Not sure if this is abuse, need help deciding whether to leave

I hope I'm not posting too much but I just read through a site that really opened my eyes. Out of the list of things that are considered abuse, name calling is the only thing my BF has not done to me at some point and some of them he does all the time. If you haven't seen this site go to link removed. It's an eye opener.

Hey Girl,

I think this is good for me to get it all out in the open. He's starting to look more and more unappealing to me. I feel dumb that it's taken so long, but eh, you live and learn. I know I'm worth more.

What a great observation. You are right, it takes time to realize it for yourself but now that you know and are taking actions to correct the situation, you are on the right track.

Keep us updated and post whenever you need to-- you can never post too often.

Keep your plans quiet from him if you can, the less stress you have from him while making your plans and leaving, the better off you are.

Last night the cat was crying to get out again and he was getting angry about it and kept telling her to be quiet. Anyone who has had a cat knows you cannot tell a cat what to do...he must be nuts. I said you know, she's old enough now to be able to roam around a little at night. Why not try letting her have some freedom and see what happens. His response was a rude and condescending NO. I kept quiet, took two tylenol pms and rolled over to go to sleep. Not even 15 minutes later he got up, let the cat out and came back to bed.

Why tell me no in such a snotty way, then turn around and do it anyway after he thought I was asleep? That just seems stupid to me.

Because it's about control and being in charge, and not "giving in" to what you want. He's like a child in so many ways.......... it has to be HIS idea.... because HE feels superior to you in this relationship. To him, your needs and wants are not important.... it's whatever makes HIM happy and comfortable, and that's having control and being in charge.

Pretty clear there is no respect in the relationship, as least on his side....

Are you going forward with the plans to move?

I'm in the process of trying to learn how to detach, and yes, move. I'm going to get a new place when my lease is up whether he moves beforehand or not. I'll have to give notice to my landlord pretty soon though and I'm kind of worried about that because he worked for our landlord for over a year and they're friends. It's going to be kind of tricky.

Anyone have any good ideas for detachment? I did pretty good last night - he kept reaching over to rub my back a little but I kept thinking about how rude he's been to me lately and I ignored it. He probably just wanted sex anyway and I have a hard time responding to him after he's been acting like a jerk. I could use some detachment ideas though, if anyone has any.

Hi there!

It sounds like you have a good plan ahead of you. Ideas on how to detatch yourself from him....

Just try to keep in mind the kind of person HE IS and not the person whom you THOUGHT he was. Think about all the times where he put you down, didn't care about your needs, all the times he threw tamtrums, the throwing around stuff...the more you remember that and keep that in mind when your mind or heart starts playing tricks on you...the easier it becomes to detatch yourself from him. Takes practice but it is needed in your situation in order to break away from him, heal, and move on.

Kell had some good suggestions.

Also, write out a list of all the hurtful things he has said to you or all the incidences where he has acted out like a child, pitched a fit, overruled you, made you feel inferior or foolish, yelled at you, tried to assert control over you (the kitten comes to mind...), the porn, watching tv & playing video games all night while you try to sleep....

Keep the list in your purse and pull it out and read it.

Than ask yourself if a backrub can negate that.

One of my detachment "tricks" was to pretend to be an objective reporter or an author telling a story. You observe what happens, but you don't allow it to ruffle your feathers.

It takes a little practice, but it's do-able.

Okay, here's my daily report on what stupid thing he did last night that I now see as controlling. I worked a 12-hour day yesterday, then we ran a couple errands and picked up burgers. When we got home he went straight upstairs with the bag of food. I stayed downstairs and opened the mail, fed the cat, folded a load of towels, the usual. It was a good 40 minutes before I went upstairs. When I got up there he said "I thought you were coming right up to eat". I never said I was, he thought I was because he assumes everything as I am now seeing.

Anyway I said no, I had some things to do downstairs first and he replied with "well it's sitting there ICE COLD now" in a snotty tone. I said that's okay, I don't mind if it's cold (it wasn't anyway, it was still warm), and he just had to keep it going with an angry tone saying "I thought you were coming right up to eat it!" Honestly, I almost laughed in his face because I could see exactly what he was doing but I restrained myself and just said "Well, I didn't."

That was the end of that and everything was quiet for the rest of the night but I guess why I'm posting it is...I can't believe how small he is! How did I ever not see this before?

You are starting the process of detaching yourself...and seeing him for what he is not what you thought he is. Before you did not pay attention to the warning signs and now you are...making the breaking away and healing process a bit easier.

Yes, funny how you notice these things so much more now that you are more aware.

Ever notice if you are car shopping or buy a car, all of the sudden, you see the model you looked at or bought everywhere? They probably were everywhere before, but you just weren't aware.

Now that you realize and have received reinforcement that your bf is acting like a child and a controlling, selfish jerk, all these behaviors that have been going on, suddenly seem to pop up and seem so ridiculous.

Last night was pity party night. He wasn't ragging on me for a change, he was ragging on himself. He's too fat (he's not), his willy is too small (it's not), he's ugly (he's not) blah blah all evening. I'm sure he wanted me to fawn all over him and assure him he's wrong but I decided nope, not gonna do it. I watched a movie and pretended not to hear him. If I'm cutting out the arguing I'm cutting out all of it and not just when he directs it at me.

I'm starting to think he must have a personality disorder.

Isn't it nice to not get caught up in his drama for a change?

Last night was pity party night. He wasn't ragging on me for a change, he was ragging on himself. He's too fat (he's not), his willy is too small (it's not), he's ugly (he's not) blah blah all evening. I'm sure he wanted me to fawn all over him and assure him he's wrong but I decided nope, not gonna do it. I watched a movie and pretended not to hear him. If I'm cutting out the arguing I'm cutting out all of it and not just when he directs it at me.

 

I'm starting to think he must have a personality disorder.

He's noticing that all of the sudden your attention isn't focused on HIM and his needs constantly, and he's trying to figure a way to get you to pay attention to him.

Notice how when a little child doesn't get your attention enough they will pull stuff like this to get you to fawn over them?

Good for you for not buying into it.

It's funny sometimes how human behavior can be predicatable. What he is doing is to be expected. Good for you for not feeding into his drama. Who needs it? Stay strong girl...we all are rootin' for ya.

It's like he's reading the same script all abusers have! His latest tactic, as pointed out by other posters, is just another attempt at control. next will more than likely be the I-love-you-so-much phase. He'll behave exquisitely for awhile trying to "win" you back, because he can indeed sense the breaking away. One more "phase" to expect with this guy is the increasing level of hostility which will probably be where he gets really violent. It might also be the next phase followed by the really-nice-love-you-so-much stuff. Either way, both will come and will come soon. Most important is for you to be safe.

I suspected it might be a trick to get attention. He called today to ask me if I care if he goes down the street to play poker tonight. Heck no I don't care, I'm glad to have the house to myself. It's at a house where the people have teenage boys and a younger girl and the kids all play too, so there's no drinking and I won't have to worry about him coming home tanked and belligerent. I'm going to be on the lookout for the nice phase and the violent phase, but I really hope that one doesn't come along.

What am I going to do with a whole evening to myself and no drama?

Watch "Sex and the City" and give yourself a facial!

Just think, it will be like this every night once you leave!

if you have any doubts about someone you are dating, the doubts are always correct. trust your gut, you will not regret it. it sounds to me like you have doubts about this slob! ditch the jerk and get a nice guy that isn't a slob and will treat you with respect. you deserve that!!!

What often tends to be forgotten is verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse does not have to be a bruise or broken arm, abuse can come in the form of munipulation, mind games, words, etc... There are many people out there that suffer from these types of abuse and have had their basic self esteem lost and destroyed because of their partners who believe that because they have not touched a hand on them does not constitute abuse.

So how is stuff today?

It sounds to me like he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I wish you the best of luck.

It sounds to me like he has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Or else he's just a creep.

I have worked with Borderlines before and that may be the case but I highly doubt it. I think it is a case of selfishness and lack of compassion for others. I called it the case of "me-isms."

It amazes me that there are other people out there facing the same relationship drama that I am going through. Which leads me to wonder why we dont just have all abusive men castrated...