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Thread: Not sure if this is abuse, need help deciding whether to leave

  1. #21
    Where should I start? Okay, I'll start with the cat. My ex brought home two cats for "us" one time. I told him it was not in the lease, which was solely in my name. This was not a gift for "us", but for him. I ended up getting evicted because of the cats. Your bf's cat is the same kind of "gift", as it is really for him, not you. Next, keeping you up at night is extremely selfish. So is keeping a bio-hazardous area of the bedroom. Oh, and viewing any kind of porn is cheating plain and simple. If a man truly loves his woman, he should not be looking at other women to get aroused. I've done some research on the subject of domestic violence, in fact I just did a paper on the topic this past semester, and you know what? This guy is fitting the profile of some of the early warning signs of a potential abuser. You see, it's all about control, and every time he throws a tantrum and gets his way, he gains a little more control. Go visit some domestic violence websites and see for yourself like link removed, or do a Google search-just type in domestic violence, early warning signs. In seconds you'll find tons of sights that describe many of your bf's behaviors. My advice to you? GET OUT NOW. Don't YOU let things go til March. You have to make a move now. Get all the support you can, get good friends and family members around you because you're going to need some support, but get out. Contact a domestic violence couselor if you have to for support. And definitely pray and ask God to help you, and He will. He did it for me! I was in a very similar relationship and I was so isolated and scared and frustrated, I didn't know what to do. But God gave me the strength to leave and He'll do the same for you. Just ask Him. Nothing fancy-you can just ask Him for help and He will surely do it! Right now your bf is just throwing objects. Please don't wait til he starts throwing his fists - at YOU, because it's just around the corner, believe me. Save yourself. He doesn't respect or appreciate you. Relationships are about give and take and compromise, and he only ever wants his way. Sounds like you're doing most of the giving and he's doing most of the taking. And it sounds more like a mother-bratty son relationship, than a bf-gf thing. What you described is not a loving, mature, adult relationship. You can do better, and you DESERVE better. Love yourself, and get out!
    Last edited by Hediditforme; 01-09-2006 at 11:17 PM.

  2. #22
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    Last night he slept on the couch. He probably stayed up half the night looking at porno on the net but I'm not going to even check, why look for something I know will make me mad? I started step one in my plan today, which is I arranged to start moving some of my things out to keep in storage in a friend's basement in case he decides to tear up my stuff before he leaves. I'm thinking about locking down my computer so he can't use it, but I haven't done that yet. If I do that it's definitely going to cause an outburst, since he'd die if he couldn't look at naked girls every night.

    I looked at my paperwork last night to see when my lease is up because I couldn't remember if it's March or April, and it's March, so I think I will start looking for a new place instead of worrying about how to make him actually leave when the time comes in case his threats are just BS like they have been in the past. When a friend of mine left her BF who was a clinger she got a new place and didn't tell him until moving day. She left him in the apartment and moved on. He sounds like he was a lot like my BF in the way he treated her and she said she didn't want him to sweet talk her into letting him move with her. I think that might work for me too, since just booting him out into the street isn't going to work. Not even considering his pets, he could and probably would create a huge drama scene at work and I can't afford that. If I can manage to bore him maybe he'll leave on his own and if not, I will and by then I will be so boring he won't care.

    I might even go so far as to quit shaving my legs since he hates it if there's any stubble on them -- he won't come near me then

  3. #23
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    lol. Sounds like a plan. I did a lot of that stuff too when I was trying to leave my ex. I even thought about saying I was a lesbian, and that I was in love with my best friend (she agreed to go along with it, even though we were half-joking. I did consider it when I got really desperate though. hehe)! lol. But he took all of my attempts at boredom and ugliness as a personal attack on him, and it made him madder. So I really hope it works for you.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    Be as straightforward and honest as you can to minimize unintended consequences. Keep it simple.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Hediditforme
    it's all about control, and every time he throws a tantrum and gets his way, he gains a little more control.
    I never thought of it that way before but it's true. His outbursts used to be seldom and every time he would apologize for being so rude or temperamental afterward. Lately he doesn't even acknowledge that he had a tantrum, or if he does he blames me for it. He must really think he's in control of me, doesn't he? That's why he goes on scummy sites knowing that it bothers me and not even attempting to hide it. I begged him to quit doing that months ago. He made a few promises which he broke right away but that was it. He knows it bothers me and he couldn't care less.

    It seems like he's drinking more too. He doesn't go out and binge or anything (but he used to before we started dating) but he will drink 5 or 6 beers or drinks in a row while watching tv or surfing almost every night.

    I think this is good for me to get it all out in the open. He's starting to look more and more unappealing to me. I feel dumb that it's taken so long, but eh, you live and learn. I know I'm worth more.

  7. #26
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    I hope I'm not posting too much but I just read through a site that really opened my eyes. Out of the list of things that are considered abuse, name calling is the only thing my BF has not done to me at some point and some of them he does all the time. If you haven't seen this site go to link removed. It's an eye opener.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
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    Hey Girl,


    I think this is good for me to get it all out in the open. He's starting to look more and more unappealing to me. I feel dumb that it's taken so long, but eh, you live and learn. I know I'm worth more.
    What a great observation. You are right, it takes time to realize it for yourself but now that you know and are taking actions to correct the situation, you are on the right track.

    Keep us updated and post whenever you need to-- you can never post too often.

    Keep your plans quiet from him if you can, the less stress you have from him while making your plans and leaving, the better off you are.

  9. #28
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    Last night the cat was crying to get out again and he was getting angry about it and kept telling her to be quiet. Anyone who has had a cat knows you cannot tell a cat what to do...he must be nuts. I said you know, she's old enough now to be able to roam around a little at night. Why not try letting her have some freedom and see what happens. His response was a rude and condescending NO. I kept quiet, took two tylenol pms and rolled over to go to sleep. Not even 15 minutes later he got up, let the cat out and came back to bed.

    Why tell me no in such a snotty way, then turn around and do it anyway after he thought I was asleep? That just seems stupid to me.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
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    Because it's about control and being in charge, and not "giving in" to what you want. He's like a child in so many ways.......... it has to be HIS idea.... because HE feels superior to you in this relationship. To him, your needs and wants are not important.... it's whatever makes HIM happy and comfortable, and that's having control and being in charge.

    Pretty clear there is no respect in the relationship, as least on his side....

    Are you going forward with the plans to move?

  11. #30
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    I'm in the process of trying to learn how to detach, and yes, move. I'm going to get a new place when my lease is up whether he moves beforehand or not. I'll have to give notice to my landlord pretty soon though and I'm kind of worried about that because he worked for our landlord for over a year and they're friends. It's going to be kind of tricky.

    Anyone have any good ideas for detachment? I did pretty good last night - he kept reaching over to rub my back a little but I kept thinking about how rude he's been to me lately and I ignored it. He probably just wanted sex anyway and I have a hard time responding to him after he's been acting like a jerk. I could use some detachment ideas though, if anyone has any.

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