We've been on 5 dates & he hasn't kissed me yet

Hi! I just found this group and I’m hoping you can help me out. I started dating a guy a month ago. I REALLY like him. When we go out we talk for HOURS, about everything. We’re extremely compatible mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. On our second date he told me that he feels comfortable with me, “too comfortable”, that he knows he could “go deep” with me, & that it scares the hell out of him. He’s shared details of his last relationship, which was extremely unhealthy, and he said he’d like to “do this right”, take it slow, and build this relationship on a solid foundation of honest communication & trust.

He calls me every day & I feel pretty sure he’s into me. He pays for our dates & opens doors for me… y’know, typical boy-likes-girl-type stuff. BUT. He hasn’t made any moves on me whatsoever. No kissing, no handholding, no nada. So I keep wondering if maybe this is just a “friend” thing.

We talked about it when we were out last week, and he said he’s attracted to me, he thinks I’m amazing, etc. I tried to be really brave & up front (in the interest of "honest, open communication") when I asked him about it- but I DIDN'T come right out & say "do you want me" or "why haven't you kissed me"! It was more a "are we friends or are we dating?" type thing.

I obviously failed in meeting my objective, because I still feel like I’m in limbo. I'm not going to ask him AGAIN because we already talked about it (even though I have NO idea what the answer was!!!), and I don’t want to kill whatever this is by overanalyzing it with him. Yikes.

Tonight he went to the movies with my kids & me- this is the first time I’ve asked HIM out, and the first time he’s met my kids. It was fun- but again, no touchy-feely stuff. (OK, I know a “date” with a 6 and 7 year old in attendance isn’t exactly the right time to make a move, but a surreptitious hand-holding wouldn’t have been inappropriate!)

I have to admit I was a little forward tonight. I’d lean in really close & whisper to him with my lips right next to his ear, and brush my hand against his leg or arm while I was shifting in my seat. (And I shifted a LOT! Lol!) And I swear, when I touch him I feel this electric jolt jump between us; it’s happened before when he’s handed me something & our fingers brush against each other. I’ve always thought that that kind of spark HAS to be reciprocal or it wouldn’t exist, but now I’m wondering if it’s only me who feels it.

So anyway, he still didn’t make a move. It could be because my kids were there, or it could be that he’s just not into me that way! (In which case I made a COMPLETE idiot of myself tonight!!!)

I know that time will tell, but I’m just too darned impatient. So I’m hoping to get some feedback from you guys.

Thanks!

Oh yeah- some other things he's said- on the 2nd date (the "go deep" conversation), he said "Don't be using any of your feminine wiles on me or I'm a goner!" He's also mentioned that women sometimes think he's gay because he's too much of a gentleman. (He's not. Gay, that is!)

There is a very easy solution to your problem. Look at him and say you want to kiss him. If he does not want to, then he is gay. Instead of wondering what things are, just ask for the kiss and see what he does. He may be trying to be respectful and not rush things. If you initiate and he does not respond, then there is something wrong. Just try and see what happens.

From what you've described, this is my best guess...

Yes, he definitely feels the "spark," but for some reason he's trying to resist it. Maybe he doesn't trust that he's ready for how it will impact him... how it will overwhelm him... so maybe he's rigidly holding himself back behind a stern wall of self-control. He just doesn't want to be a "goner" just yet. When someone is capable of falling too "deeply" in love, they sometimes avoid it as much as possible, resisting it as long as possible, because they are afraid of losing themselves... or maybe they are afraid of how attached they will become. It just scares them to give too much of themselve to the relationship.

But I'm not sure what to advise. It just depends on his reasons for resisting. He might be overly-cautious because of irrational anxiety. Or he might have some very legitimate concerns that he needs to resolve.

Smitten,

It's also entirely possible that he's a bit shy to do it. Once I had to wait 3 weeks for a guy to kiss me. He didn't so I got tired of waiting and initiated it myself.

You have to admit though, the waiting part is what makes it exciting. If you can't kiss him, just keep doing the brushing routine. At some point he'll have had enough of that.

Best of luck,

Belle

this guy sounds a lot like me. guys like us are afraid that by makin a move we might ruin what we have. He is afraid. He shouldnt be, but he is. Feeling comfortable with each other is great, but crossing that threshold of sexuality, with something as discreet as a peck on the lips needs to be done. Since he seems absolutely -pardon the expression- scared sh*tless, perhaps you should make the first move.

More likely than not, he will be glad you did. that will break the proverbial ice, allow you to reach another level of 'comfortable'.

I get the impression that you, yourself aren't a problem what so ever in this matter but instead is the previous relationship he had which seems to of put a scar on his heart and abilities to move onward. I think in this is a matter which you will have to take the incentive of kissing and handholding, and more so, reassuring him that it'll be okay.

I'm not quite sure on the details of this prior relationship but as you've described it, he was thoroughly burned to the core and left alone. I have a feeling as you've mentioned here, the first one went way to fast and he is in for the long run instead of a short term "if it works okay if it doesn't okay" type.

This then would I suppose cause the fear that a kiss may open the floodgates to everything and anything. In this situation when you kiss him (as that seems the procedure in this case) tell him what you expect. Example being a kiss doesn't always lead to making out or sex and that you two will both need to take it one step at a time and continue self control. He will need the basic boundries set but also as I've mentioned, reassurance on what he is doing right and what you like but as open to him about what you don't like or don't want still considering his feelings.

Once he gets his head on straight again about the relationship conduct he will most likely become more brazen with such actions but hopefully with open understanding communication he'll be able to judge what is appropriate and what is too fast and allow you two to be equally content as can be.

smittenkitten, are you the same person that used to post on chuckmoulton's livejournal and then went to that martial arts website?

You guys are great! I've been wondering if I'm misinterpreting the signs of interest I've seen from him. I've had a tendency in past relationships to see things that aren't there, which would result in me chasing and chasing and CHASING a guy... I've learned the hard way that it's better to chill out & not pursue a guy. (And ESPECIALLY not to call him 50 times a day in an effort to get him to pay attention to me!!!)

You've given me a lot to think about... fortunately, it all seems pretty good! I was afraid I was going to get a big ole' dose of "He's Just Not That Into You!"

I don't know if I'll make the first move though; the "brush & lean" was VERY forward of me! But who knows... if this keeps up I might get so frustrated I'll wind up meeting him at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap & a big bow! (Think Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes"! LOL!)

DiggityDog, nope, I've never posted over there.

His past relationship could easily have left scars and he is now afraid to open himself up and make him vulnerable. Jinx is dead on in her post.

It could be shyness. I know that kissing someone is a very big deal and even if he wants to he might be afriad of it for some reason. That's how I was.

Saran Wrap? Trust me its not like its made out to be. Though if you were wearing something else... that might be enough to get through.

I tend to agree with boredguy here... those of us who are inheriently shy and maybe not blessed with tons of overflowing self confidence tend to be reserved in making that move in fear of 'messing up' what we think we already have.

GOes back to a question i posed myself today.... how do you know when or if to be aggressive in a relationship and how do you truly gauge the other's persons interest... what you perceive to be interest may be misread signs.... and i've come to the conclusion i dont read the signs very well.......

May I suggest a little psychological game?

Do things that would make your need for a kiss MORE than obvious!

IE.

Play truth or dare and mention kissing on every sentence

Or

Buy a new lipstick and say things like “I wonder if it would withstand a passionate kiss?”

Or

“Last night I dreamed I kissed you “

Or just play silly and show him how eschimos kiss…

Am I making a point?

How do you spell “eschimo” correctly? I seem to misplaced my dictionary

Wow, this guy just might be in for the best night of his life. lol I may need to practice the 5 date no kiss rule. I usually try to be pretty cool the first date. The last two dates I went on, I extended my hand and the women asked " what no hug". Of course I gave one, but it is hard being a guy and trying to let women know you are respectful. I had a first date 10 days ago and we ended up kissing and she said she had to go. I think she knew what would be next and she did not want to be another notch in my belt. Well, I don't think of women like that and was happy in a sad way she left. lol I just want her more now. I may not have her, but she kept her integrity and kept me thinking. lol

how do you know when or if to be aggressive in a relationship and how do you truly gauge the other's persons interest... what you perceive to be interest may be misread signs

Go with gut feelings. Follow your heart. Otherwise you will be playing mindgames with yourself and will just drive yourself crazy. Better to be cautious, but if you feel something, do what you think is right.

OK, I'm totally confused. He finally kissed me the other night, and it was awesome. I was so freakin' happy. But we went out tonight, and.... NO KISS! Again! I'm trying not to take it too hard. Maybe he was just tired. (He's got to go to court early tomorrow morning.) Then again, maybe he's just not attracted to me (although it seemed like all systems were "go" the other night, if you know what I mean!) Or maybe he's just not over his ex-girlfriend yet. (He says he is, and their relationship was terrible, but he talks about her a LOT!)

I don't know. He keeps calling me and asking me out. We're supposed to get together on New Year's Eve with our kids (this will be the first time we'll all meet). Maybe he thinks of me as just a buddy.

Crud.

And the sad thing is, I'm 90% in love with this guy. (OK, maybe a little more than that, but I'm trying to be rational here!)

My heart & soul are telling me that he's the one. Maybe it's not the same for him. Eeesh.

Smitten,

If he's still calling to ask you out, he's still interested. Maybe he's not ready to move to the next stage yet and you guys bordered on it.

I would be leery though, if he speaks about his ex all of hte time. That's a big dating no no. If he still does it, you might want to start changing the subject in a nice way. It has nothing to do with the two of you.

Hey smittenkitten,

I think he does like you, but he's very mixed up because of his past. See my response in the other thread you started.

Hope you are having a good day.