My Mum Has Cancer

Hey Everyone,

I would appreciate all the support and positive thoughts and prayers I could get right now.

I found out tonight, just a few hours ago, that my dear mum has at least Stage III Breast Cancer. She is only 48, just turned it. I am 26, and not ready to lose my mother. Neither is my sister at 19, or my brother at 21. Nor my stepfather, or any of her brothers, her friends. Our partners. She is close to us all. She is the person whom opens her home and heart to everyone. On holidays, she invites those whom have no families, those from out of the country, or alone, for dinner with us, and it's like family. She is the one whom sends care packages to friends she made on vacations in Cuba, parcels for them, help for them. She is one whom set up an exercise jar, so everytime she works out, she puts money in it, to help ME with my schoolbooks next year as she wanted to do something, and could not afford more.

Basically, Stage III that means the tumour is over 5 cm, and it has infected the tissues and lymph nodes near her breast. They will not know more until they operate and can look at other nodes, or if they find something else. She has one of the most aggressive forms you can get. In her mammogram a year ago there was nothing, this one has developed over the last few months, and has increased in size dramatically. She is religious about her self checks every month, eating right, exercising, mammograms. But it grew anyway, it was not even detectable on the mammograms, it's huge, but not the dense kind that you can see easily....the biposy showed how big and bad it is.

She has some big choices to make, either surgery right away (she will get a radical mastectomy of the one breast, and a prophylactic of the other followed by chemo and radiation, or chemo then surgery the radiation. Along with all the herbal treatments, and so forth she can find. Both have their pros and cons, but she needs to decide soon. One good thing, is I know she will push to get it done, even if it means going to the US for treatment and so forth.

She will also be getting genetic testing. My grandmother and great grandmother both died young (in their 50s) of breast cancer as well. My mum as my age when my grandmother died..I was 7 and still remember how hard it was for her. They had no sisters, but suspicion is great that our family may carry some genetic markers for it, perhaps even the BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes. If she comes back positive for the markers, my sister and I will have to get tested. And we will have some big decisions to make too now, and in the future. I honestly would probably seriously consider removing my breasts...as much as I love them, and would have a tough time mentally, if it increases my chances, I just might feel inclined to. I hope it does not come to that, and I won't know for several months either once she gets her testing back, and whether I have to go for my own.

She's going to work as much as she can. Because she needs the focus. To not feel sick. But she will work from home as much as she can. Take care of herself. Christmas will be different this year. Low Key. We joked about it a while, about the purple wigs she can wear. She is cutting her hair - short - in a few weeks. About the shirt she can get that says as a jab at my sister who still lives at home "Do what I say, I have Cancer!". The shirt I said I would get her when she is well again, that says "I kicked cancer's a__, I can kick yours too!". Her sense of humour is there. She's a fighter. But whom isn't? Cancer does no reward fighters, or pick on those whom give up. It just is random.

I want her to fight, to keep her immune system up, her hope, I worry though. She watched both her parents die. I still remember her saying, she does not know if she could put us through that. That at some point, she knows she could not fight anymore. That cancer never goes away. It goes quiet sometimes but it is always there. She watched her parents get weaker. But she also says it brought her closer to them. I know that is the case, I will be there as much as I can, but I don't want becoming closer to end in her death. I am scared. I worry about my sister who lives at home, having to be there watching her every day through all this. About my stepfather whom has been with her 20 years now, she is HIS rock. He saw his mom die of cancer too, when he was 13. I worry about my brother, whom lives 2,000 km away and can't be here. I worry about me, whom lives much nearer, but I can't be there all the time, when I want to be. I worry about how I can go to school next year, go back, when my mom is going through this, when I want to be there for her. I worry about my boyfriend, whom now needs to be there for me too, while I am there for my mum. He has never known anyone to die, anyone. His parents are in their 70's and alive and kicking. He hugged me, and held me close, and will be there, I know he will.

I don't know how surprised I was, I was shooken up, it's still a shock. I may be taking a personal day tomorrow from work as it hits me. I am shaking now. For the last few months, I have been having weird thoughts, which I never had before. Thinking of how my mum at my age was dealing with her mother dying, wondering how I could ever go through that myself. Hoping it would be 20, 30 years in future. Knowing deep inside, it would not be.

I want her to be able to see grandkids, and us kids all get married. I know she felt happy her own mother saw her have children, I fear my mom won't know that, and I know how wonderful she would be. I feel selfish for worrying about debts I have, or getting into Law, or my crappy job, when meanwhile I had no idea my mum was going through this, wondering how to tell us, wondering what to choose - surgery or chemo. I am shaking. I should be in bed, but it's setting in. And I can't. I worry I am not strong enough. I watched not only grandparents die, but my late boyfriend only 3 years ago now - where she was there for me...now it's the other way around. And I feel lost, I really do. She's truly my role model, the woman I admire most, whom I remind all the time how thankful I am, proud of her I am. I always hope to be half the mother, friend, partner, sister, daughter, she has ever been and ever will be.

Really, I know I need to be strong too, and positive, I do. It's hard though right now, I just found out, and I have seen so many times what it does. I worry about my siblings and stepfather too in all this, how to be there for them, as the big sister, I took care of them many years while my mom went back to school to make a better life for us, and I do feel a responsibility to be strong for them. I am trying my best to be optimistic, and love her to best I can and cherish the time I have, and hope the best...but I am also needing to just break down right now.

I am sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it all out of me, and down. I appreciate any thoughts, prayers, love, hope, that can be sent my direction.

RayKay

Sorry to hear this RayKay, I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.

Hi Ray,

*BIIIGG HUG* I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, it's never easy to go through something like this. I think the best thing that you can do for your Mum is to stay positive for her (even if you don't feel positive!), as this will rub off on her and make her feel a lot better.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so try and keep this in mind. It's hard to stay positive during such a traumatic time, but please try... if nothing else it will cheer your Mum up... Just do as much as you can for her, as long as you aren't kind of 'intruding' - she might feel vulnerable and helpless and might get a bit snappy if you try and do too much.. but most of all, just be there for her. Be her rock, her shoulder to cry on, and someone she can talk to.. It's never easy, and remember she is probably just as shocked as you are..

Breast cancer is such a common disease nowadays, and women have to be so careful - it can strike you when you are quite young... you said that it's a genetic thing - just make sure you get tested at least once a year, to keep on top of it.. you can't exclude yourself, especially if your family have died because of cancer when they are just in their 50's...

My cousin Krystal died of cancer when she was just 14 years old - it wasn't breast cancer, but it was still a very difficult time for my family... all I can say about it is chemo is, well, just awful (I wrote something else but it got censored, hehe) ... I don't think that's the sort of thing your mother should have to go through - it really does knock you around and make you feel both physically and emotionally exhausted, and it can't really be good to heal yourself (well, it might help physically, but emotionally it just makes you feel sooo crappy).

I will have you and your family in my prayers tonight, and if you ever need someone to talk to, even to vent, you know I am here... if you want my MSN/Email details please feel free to PM me anytime..

Thanks all of you.

Yeah, Serendipity, my mom and I both know what chemo does to someone, maybe in some ways it makes it worse, as you KNOW what is coming. Maybe in others it makes it better, for the same reasons. Weird, isn't it?

I know positivity is important, and I will be so, but I need my private time to be like this too I also know...it will help her knowing she does not have to be positive all the time around me too, and not put on happy faces, at the same time. Like I said, she was my rock when my past boyfriend died after a serious, but sudden, illness, and I need to do the same for her, and also like she did, let her know it's okay to be sad too.

She knows she won't be able to do everything, after her parents have both died of cancer, she is aware....I think she knows. She has already asked us for help, so that is good, I am proud of her for doing that too.

1 in 8 women will get breast cancer in their lifetime, 1 in 25 will die of it. If you have BRCA1 or 2, your chances are something like 80%+ you will get it, and this is what we are concerned about too. There was no testing when my grandmother was around, so my mom will be first to be tested. And then my sister and I will know. I think chances are very good there is SOMETHING there, if they have all gotten it so young in my family. I am positive, but also realisitic that even without that gene there is something. Like my mum, I will keep up on exams, and mammograms, it did not catch hers, but you never know. It's something I have never fooled around with, and good reason I eat well, and work out and so forth. I don't know, I worry. If there is a gene, not sure I would want any children - to put them through this too, I don't know. So much to think about, which I just don't want to right now, I can't. Right now, I need to think of my mum.

Anyway, thanks again, I appreciate it very much.

(and sorry to hear of your cousin, I cannot even imagine having a child going through this)

raykay

i am really so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. you have been so wonderful on this site helping others and now its our turn to support you. your family is in my prayers tonight

Oh no...this is not the news I would wish for anyone and especially not you. I am so sorry about this. Please don't give up hope. Many people with very strong wills can make it through even the toughest times like this. Continue to be her support and stay strong for her. Never let her doubt her capabilities of healing. Miracles have happened...continue to pray. Where there are more than one gathered to pray........

Difficult times fall on the best of us.. stay strong and be there for your mother. I send my love and best wishes as nobody deserves to go through something like this.

Also - i distinctly remember finding one of your posts highly amusing, it actully cheered me up in a time of utter dispair. This was a very long time ago on another account.. so thank you. I will keep you, your family and your mother in my thoughts and prayers.

Well, firstly RayKay id like to offer my deepest sympathy to you and your family. I'd also like to say NEVER give up hope. My stepmother has suffered from cancer twice. Once was in the thyroid gland which was removed and the cancer remissed, 2nd time was associated with the previous but affecting the lymph nodes/glands, again was removed and again she is living a full active life. A friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years back (not sure what stage) but after a lot of therapy and a mastectomy she also is living a full active life... the marvels of modern medicine........

Ray Kay I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

If she is half as strong as you, she will fight with everything that she has.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. If there is anything that I can do or if you need to talk please PM me anytime.

Hope

My aunt had breast cancer at 40. Its amazing even people in their 20s are getting it now... so if its in genetics, be very cautious. all i can say is that M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston saved my aunts life....and if your mother feels she should travel for treatment, I'd suggest doing some research and look up M.D. Anderson please! Good luck!!

RayKay,

I extend my deepest sympathies to you.

I read the thread, and remember what you said when we were talking about you having children, yesterday:

Yeah, I just have big shoes to fill (my mothers!), so I worry about it...even though it's a while off yet!

I know how much she means to you.

Right now, you do not need to think about having yourself tested, etc.

This is about your mother. She is strong, and she is a fighter - but you can be there for her to ease her worries and keep her hopeful.

I'm always here, if you want to talk.

You are in my thoughts.

Take care.

Hi Raykay,

I am so sorry to hear your mum has cancer at such an early age, however, the stages are just an initial testing to guestimate the severity of the cancer, until they operate they really don't know how serious the cancer is.

My stepfather had stage 4 prostate cancer, which means that it had spread to other major vital organs. When he had his operation they took his lympth nods and prostate and he didn't even have chemo or radiation therapy, they confirmed the cancer had been contained within these areas, so just wait, wish, pray and be positive and your mum too will probably have this great outcome.

I know how you are feeling, I was devestated and thought their was not much chance for him, however it was all good.

If you need to ask further questions, don't hesitate to PM me.

As you know my sister recently went through this - if your Mom is as strong as my sister, and it would seem that she is, her postive outlook will help her a great deal. She and you are in my thoughts.

RayKay,

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I know what's it like having people very close and dear to you fight cancer, I have a very good friend who has liver cancer and has beat it, she is in full remission, and have birth to a happy healthy baby boy. There is hope. And you mom sounds like to be a fighter and survivor. I will surely keep you, your mom, and all your family and friends in my thoughts and prayers. Many, many hugs to all of you.

RayKay, I am sorry to hear about your mom and your whole family going through this hard time. Your mom sounds to be strong and your family appears to have the magic family bond that makes family members much stronger with each others love and support. I hope that all of you together can empower your mom and give her the positive energy and love she needs to beat the cancer.

I am very sorry to hear about your mum, RayKay. I wish you and your mum all the best and hope that she pulls through this all right. I kind of know how you feel because my mother has been getting the same symptoms my grandfather had before he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and died. Even though she has been suffering, she refuses to go to the doctor and I am worried in case it is what we think it is.

RayKay,

This is terrible news, but don't ever give up hope. You will all need to be strong for her and with her.

I hope your mom will pull through this. There are still women who can and do fight the odds- you're mom's spirit and positive attitude are very important, and they may help her to fight those odds.

You had mentioned that she had a potential interest in looking into herbal/alternative care. She may want to take the medical route first and then incorporate alternative treatment methods as well. I remember watching a special about a woman Dr. Lorraine Day- she wrote a book "Cancer Doesn't Scare Me Anymore" in which she talked about the importance of diet and other factors in curing cancer. I just checked and it appears that she now has a website: I was thinking of getting this book for myself - simply for insight on possible prevention. I don't know how sound the advice is, but I figure it certainly can't hurt.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers,

BellaDonna

I don't know if you have read through this site, but it details what is going on, things your mother should ask her doctor, etc.

Take care.

Thank you all of you, I really appreciate all your sympathies and thoughts, I really do.

I had a horrible sleep last night, of course. I am still sitting here debating whether to go to work. I'm a mess, tired, and don't feel much like it, but then again, it might keep my mind off of it.

Not sure whom commented on the stages, but they are quite sure that it is a minimum of Stage III at this point. They can' tell yet if it is any more advanced, but it is at least Stage III due to tumour size, and fact it has spread to other lymph nodes. The stages less then that have smaller tumours, and no infection of lymph nodes.

I did some looking this morning at the Stage III, and survival rates hover around 50%, so I am pretty scared right now. I want her to make it so much, I am just not ready to lose her yet. I know I should not worry about it right now, but I am worried about the genetics too, I was looking that if your immediate relatives get it before age 50, your own chance increases 18.6%, and if it is the BRCA gene, its almost guaranteed I would get it, it's something like 85%....those are huge odds. I don't know, I can't help thinking that I don't want to go through this in 20 years. I don't want to put future children through this in 20 years. I really don't know what I will do if the tests come back. And my sister....what of my sister too. I feel terrified and sad about my own mother, but I also feel sucker punched in the gut too, that us women in my family always "blessed" with voluptuos breasts, are also burdened with this history. I kind of always knew, I always joked with my boyfriend whose parents are older, in their 70's, whose family has been very healthy, that I do not share the history he does, my family seems to be gone in their 50's, 60's...very early 70's. I guess it should not of been so shocking now that my mom is also near 50, near time my grandmother found hers, but I am shocked anyway...I guess I always knew it would happen one day, just not yet, not now. I feel like I don't know what to do right now. Whether to go to school next year or not, whether to get tested myself or not, whether to enjoy this Christmas as it might be the last...or pretend it's like every year, and will be like every one for many more years.

I just broke down again, and opted to email and call my boss to tell him I was taking a personal day today because of the news though I have lots of work to do. I think he will be pretty understanding, he's a good guy, but right now I don't even care honestly. I just can't face going in.

Thanks all, there is just so much going through my head. I feel the need to seek as much knowledge as I can, it's like when my late boyfriend had a cerebral hemorrhage though, I sought as much knowledge as I could, for that power of sorts, but it only made me feel even worse in so many ways too..

RayKay

Thanks Bella. She will look into herbal stuff for sure. She actually studied herbalism and natural therapies long before they were even cool! She knew about ethinacea before most people knew how to spell it..hehe.

Last night, she recommended that my sister and I do go on a cancer prevention diet, as her doctors have already said they believe the genetic risk is very great. Me, I am okay for most part already, eat healthy and work out, I'll have to cut down on my ice cream though (hehe) but my sister does not eat so well!

Thanks for the link, I will be sending it to my mum, and my sister.

RayKay,

Keep your chin up. You need to be strong, like I know you are.

This is the time when you all come together, as a family.

I don't know about the research, it might make you feel worse.

I've also been looking it up a fair bit.

Take the time off work.

If you get bored, we can sit and talk all day - I'm bored ridgid anyway.

Hi Raykay

So sorry to hear about your mom. I know what it is like. I have a rare form of cancer myself. I am a single parent with two kids so I know the thoughts that go through your mind. I found this site and it has given me alot to think about and some good advice.

I will say a prayer for your mom and you and you family.

Oh RayKay!!!!! (((((((BBBBBIIIIIGGGG HUUUUGGGGG!!!!!))))))

Know that I'll be praying for your mom, hoping she gets better very very soon and that the chemo gets all of the cancer.

I just broke down again, and opted to email and call my boss to tell him I was taking a personal day today because of the news though I have lots of work to do. I think he will be pretty understanding, he's a good guy, but right now I don't even care honestly. I just can't face going in.

I am glad you are not going to work today. You need to take care of yourself. Work can wait.

I am sure this is really difficult- having to think of the prospect of losing your mom, and the chance you could have the gene.

Just keep in mind that there's nothing you can do until the tests come back. You may NOT have the gene. Also, not all women who have the gene actually develop breast cancer. If you indeed had the gene then there would be some things you'd want to do with your diet and you'd want to be screened more often than most women

Although families share genetics - they also share EVIRONMENTS. There could be outside factors that have made your family vulnerable to cancer that may not be genetic.

I know it is easier said than done- but just try to think as positive as you can. "My mom will fight this- We will ALL be ok".

Hang in there,

BellaDonna

Hi RayKay,

All of our thoughts and prayers are with you. I know a lot is going through your mind right now so taking a personal day is a really good idea. Take it easy and let things sink in.

Realize that cancer isn't the automatic death sentence that it once was. Have hope and faith that the treatments are able to make a difference. They can do amazing things now even if they can't completely cure it.

You know where I am if you want to talk. We're all here for you.