I think my girlfriend wants our sex life to take on a more dominant-submissive type dynamic. She seems to want me to dominate her more (both in and out of the bedroom). She hinted at this for a long time. We discussed it openly on many occasions. But I think we're both confused as to how we want this to play out physically.
I'm a fervent male feminist and believe strongly in equality in relationships. I'm very moody and can have a split personality (somewhat bipolar). In groups, I am often the leader and very dominant. But in one on one relationships, I am often submissive to the other person's energy.
In the beginning of our relationship, she was very dominant sexually. For the first years of our relationship, I became so blinded by my love for her and became so symbiotic with her that my personality lost all of its weight. She also stopped being dominant. We eventually broke up before I realized what was happening to me. So I went to work on my self-esteem and recovering my personality.
We gradually started dating again after six months apart. I've been more dominant, but it's still pretty even. I mean - I'm not letting her energy dominate me. But I'm not really dominating her.
I know you might say that I should accept my submissive tendencies. But the truth it that I really don't like the person I am when I'm submissive.
Our sex has been really good since we've got back together. And some of the dom-sub stuff is starting to mildly manifest. Like - I spank her during sex and have recently started pulling her hair. We both really like it a lot and have talked about it. We probably had the best sex of both of our lives last week. It was like fantasy sex for me.
Last night we made a sex date and she casually alluded to my having sadist tendencies. Later, we started to have sex, but it started to become more "normal" and she quickly lost interest. I wanted to get more into the sado-masochist thing, but I feel very much in the dark about it.
It's really appealing to me. But I can't seem to find much info on it. Everything I look up on the topic involves bondage and male-submissives. I don't really know how to go about this. I want to give her what she needs and I find the idea of dominating her in bed very sexy. But I'm afraid of taking it too far. She's very sensitive and I don't want to hurt her. The spanking and hair pulling obviously inflicts a level of pain on her. So where do you draw the line? And how do you take the domination to a more psychological level?
Over the years, my she's displayed some masochistic tendancies. For example, on some occasions she's become so frustrated and angry that she punches herself really hard. She grew up with an abusive older brother and I wonder how much of her masochism comes from that. So I wonder if it's healthy to indulge these tendencies in her. I'm very much in love with her and do not want to jeopardize the health of our relationship.
Can anyone help?