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Thread: Questio for Women & Long term relationship & break ups.

  1. #1
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    Questio for Women & Long term relationship & break ups.

    My question is for women after having a long relationhip that has ended ..
    What happened to your perspective on relationships?
    Did you give up on the idea of "Choosing the one"? or
    did you go on with life and have an attitude that live for the moment and not look for the future during your new relationship??
    Basically, what changed after the long relationship in you view about long term relationship?
    What did you say to yourself that u would not do?
    Did u stop looking into the future with your new boyfriend? or did you just live it day by day?
    Did you know that by doing that i creates insecurity in the relationship? was the "new" relationship better because if the change in attitude.?/

    I suppose i ask these questions because i am now in a relationship with someone that has come out of a long term relaionship. It seems to me that illussion of being together forever is blown into Smithereens and is replaced by the fact that the future and feelings can change in a blink of an eye.

    The difficulty is, i still have the illusion of being with someone for the rest of my life, and my partner has an attitude that says... "things can change and i cannot and will not promise anything.".....
    For me, being in love and choosing that someone is a choice, and it is possible to choose someone for life...
    For my new partner, well i have the impression that it is not about choice, it is about "if something happens",,

    IT make me scared..
    it makes me inseure...
    it makes me doubt the relationship. Am i the one that has the whole thing whole? am i the one that live in a fantasy world.

    There is a qoute somewhere that says, embrass change and you will grow... ipersonally dont know if i can handle this qoute and not knowing if my relationship with the person i want to be with has an attitude that is not about choice.

    Has it made you fearful and mistrusting of relationships... that fact that that someone can always just walk away so easily? that there is no use with getting into a relationship because... well ... it can just end so quickly even after a long time??

    How did you get over the Hurdles???

    And please more replies, i really need to understand this. thanks
    BTW... please state how long your relationship was. thanks
    Last edited by Skippy; 11-25-2005 at 02:36 AM.

  2. #2
    Member lgirl's Avatar
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    Did you give up on the idea of "Choosing the one"? YES

    What changed after the long relationship in you view about long term relationship? DON'T FEEL I CAN TRUST AGAIN

    What did you say to yourself that u would not do? NEVER GOING TO FALL IN LOVE/GIVE MY HEART OR BELIEVE IT'S FOREVER

    It seems to me that illusion of being together forever is blown into smithereens and is replaced by the fact that the future and feelings can change in a blink of an eye. And the difficulty lies when i still have to illusion of being with someone for the rest of my life, and the other person having an attitude that says... "things can change and i cannot and will not promise anything."..... for me, being in love and choosing that someone is a choice, and it is possible to choose someone for life...for my new partner, well i have the impression that it is not about choice, it is about "if something happens"
    you have basically summed it up in anutshell. this might not be the case for everyone, but i can totally relate to how your partner is feeling. he might change his opinion (you won't be able to convince him, though), but it sounds like he hasn't fully gotten over his last r/shp and that he's possibly gotten involved in a new r/shp too soon.

    (my exbf changed without warning from being the most loving guy who was devoted and obsessed with me to someone i didn't recognise OVERNIGHT after 18mths together.)

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    Gold Member WildChild's Avatar
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    I too was in a long term relationship and ended up getting married. We had two boys and were together a total of 13 years. He had an affair and ultimately we divorced. I never thought I would trust someone again but after 3 years I have found someone I could see myself with. I will always keep my guard up because I realized that you never really know someone like I thought I knew my ex. I learned a lot after my divorce about myself and about what I want and need in a relationship and the mistakes I made. I told myself I would not settle for less because it is my life and it is up to me to not settle or change my morals just to say I am in a relationship. My bf now was in a long term relationship of 14 years. His guard is up and in the beginning he also said he didn't want a serious relationship ever again because he didn't want to be hurt again and didn't trust women. I never pushed him but only showed my support and respected the fact of what he had been through. Initially we were both leary of giving our hearts but I know we love one another and we for the most part have a healthy relationship. Time, patience and understanding of one another is what has made what was once a just a friendship now into a committed relationship.

  4. #4
    Member OceanEyes's Avatar
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    Before I answer the questions below, I should mention that I was the one to break off both long-term relationships prior to the one I'm in now.

    Originally Posted by Skippy
    What happened to your perspective on relationships?
    After my last relationship, I was much more non-chalant about commitment in general and wasn't looking to jump back into anything serious. My core values had not changed though.

    did you go on with life and have an attitude that live for the moment and not look for the future during your new relationship??
    Of course! After coming out of a 2-year relationship that didn't end especially well (which one really does, after all?), it's impossible to just start 'searching' for your real soulmate. After my last relationship ended, I was very much not expecting anything serious. If it happened, fine, but I certainly wasn't actively looking for that next "Mr. Right". They don't come along when you look too hard.

    Basically, what changed after the long relationship in you view about long term relationship?
    That it's not a good idea to stick around for months and months, when things are simply not working out. If there are recurring issues that never seem to get resolved, and keep popping up again and again, it's best to accept that there is a major incompatibility and that the relationship is not worth sticking around in.

    Ultimately, I've learned that if you're always giving more than the other person (or vice versa), that the relationship is not a good fit. Don't stick around in vain hoping for major change -- if you find yourself constantly unhappy, move it along. It won't get much better, believe me. We are who we are, and it's difficult to change people. Fight the urge to be desperate and hold onto someone who you KNOW in your heart isn't right for you. When a person is really a good fit, you don't spend half the time unhappy or questioning the direction of the relationship. You'll find, that as time goes on, it gets harder to end relationships and that you regret not seeing what was right in front of you.

    Did u stop looking into the future with your new boyfriend? or did you just live it day by day?
    It's inevitable, that after a couple of years in a relationship, you just want to live for the moment. At least for a while. You can hope, but it's best to just go with the flow and not expect fireworks too soon.

    Did you know that by doing that it creates insecurity in the relationship? was the "new" relationship better because if the change in attitude.?/
    How would it create insecurity in the new relationship? The first several months of a new relationship should be spent carefree. It's basically the time when you really get to know a person, and whether or not they are right for you - period. If things evolve into something deeper and more meaningful, then great!

    Skippy: If you are dating a girl who just got out of a long relationship, consider a couple of things:

    - She probably spent over a year with a person, only to realize that the relationship wasn't right. To learn that, and then to try and move on, does something to a person. We get more cautious.

    - Never push for more commitment than she is willing to give you. If you are the one who wants more, you're going to have to let HER decide.
    Last edited by OceanEyes; 11-24-2005 at 09:28 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    My question is for women after having a long relationhip that has ended ..
    What happened to your perspective on relationships?
    That depends on how it ended really, I would not say my perspective was negatively changed, on one side I did realize though I would no longer settle, that the next time I got involved seriously, it would be with someone I had do doubts about. I learned that I would stop putting myself second, my needs always behind theirs, and stop being whom I was. I learned from some of my mistakes. But I was still hopeful that the right relationship was still ahead....as I posted yesterday, 100% of everyone's relationships fail until they find the right one whom also returns the love fully & completely.

    Did you give up on the idea of "Choosing the one"? or
    did you go on with life and have an attitude that live for the moment and not look for the future during your new relationship??
    Basically, what changed after the long relationship in you view about long term relationship?
    No, as I said above, I was a big believer my one was still out there. I casually dated though, promised not to get involved before I was ready or felt it was right. Not to settle.

    In my new long term relationship, I am not jaded about future. Of course it is day by day - life is day by day as you never know what tomorrow brings - but we also both have a lot of hope for the future and make plans together and the sort. Because it's right.


    What did you say to yourself that u would not do?
    Again, not settle, not sacrifice my needs and desires to mold into what the other person "wanted".


    Did u stop looking into the future with your new boyfriend? or did you just live it day by day?
    Again, no, did not stop. But do live day by day, you never know...it's not just breakups, it's death and illness that can change life. Day by day. But with hope and a love for the future.


    Did you know that by doing that i creates insecurity in the relationship? was the "new" relationship better because if the change in attitude.?
    I don't think it should create insecurity in the initial stages, it is still the getting to know you stages, it should be carefree and fun!

    I think my new one is better only because I vowed to not settle, and stuck to it. And the funny thing is, he had made himself the same promise. So we found one another, and found we were perfect for one another. Good thing we had not settled, or we might not have found one another!

    I suppose i ask these questions because i am now in a relationship with someone that has come out of a long term relaionship. It seems to me that illussion of being together forever is blown into Smithereens and is replaced by the fact that the future and feelings can change in a blink of an eye.
    She just came out of, you have to give her time. Of course it is blown away forever if she is still healing and jaded.

    The difficulty is, i still have the illusion of being with someone for the rest of my life, and my partner has an attitude that says... "things can change and i cannot and will not promise anything.".....
    For me, being in love and choosing that someone is a choice, and it is possible to choose someone for life...
    For my new partner, well i have the impression that it is not about choice, it is about "if something happens",,
    Well, how early is it....if it is early on, I don't think you can know yourself if she is the person for the rest of your life. Relationships are not guaranteed....if this one does not work out, it is because you two are not at a place in life together where it was intended. She is not ready to promise forever, when she is not sure what she would be promising too yet.

    IT make me scared..
    it makes me inseure...
    it makes me doubt the relationship. Am i the one that has the whole thing whole? am i the one that live in a fantasy world
    Why are you doubting it? Again, how early in is it...at this point you should be learning about one another, opening your live's to one another. She can't commit more until she knows it is worth the commitment for her.

    I will say this though...your insecurity and fears can manifest themselves and create a reality you fear. Our actions and lives are guided by what we believe will happen.

    There is a qoute somewhere that says, embrass change and you will grow... ipersonally dont know if i can handle this qoute and not knowing if my relationship with the person i want to be with has an attitude that is not about choice.
    Again, you are still learning about one another, if she just got out of something, she is still healing, not just from him, but from the dreams that were broken, the changes in her life. Do not push for more then she has right now.

    Your opinions Please. BTW... please state how long your relationship was. thanks
    I have been in several long term relationships...2.5 years, 5 years, 1.5 years....and am currently in the one intended to be my last one....just over a year

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    Thanks all for the replys.... it has helped me see things i different light. My other questions is this....

    Has i made you fearful and mistrusting of relationships... that fact that that someone can always just walk away so easily? that there is no use with getting into a relationship because... well ... it can just end so quickly even after a long time??

    How did you get over the Hurdles???

    And please more replies, i really need to understand this. thanks
    Last edited by Skippy; 11-24-2005 at 11:14 PM.

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    Don't be afraid of it. Love like you've never been hurt. Just keep your eyes wide open when it starts. Look carefully (but not too critically that you chase the other person away before it starts).
    After that all I can say is hope for the best and try not to think about it.
    Last edited by WyseOne; 11-24-2005 at 11:26 PM.

  9. #8
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    My question is for women after having a long relationhip that has ended ..

    What happened to your perspective on relationships

    - men hurt. abuse hurts. relationships come and ago. you cant control the outcome, you can only control what you choose to do. you cant control the other person. it's better not to care so much and to be flexible and let things go otherwise ur really setting yourself up for a huge fall.

    Did you give up on the idea of "Choosing the one"? or

    - no. not the "one." but finding someone who really adores me, cares for me, likes me, will make time for me, will look for me when im gone, who's going to come after me, who i dont have to chase. who cares about my feelings, who reciprocates. and who i feel the same way about!!

    did you go on with life and have an attitude that live for the moment and not look for the future during your new relationship??

    - no. it's still hard......but you realize that you gradually have to adjust this mentality to minimize the hurt you do to yourself. the people that can have this mindset.......dont hurt themselves as much, who can blame them?

    Basically, what changed after the long relationship in you view about long term relationship?

    - if it happens, it happens. you cant control it. it's too hard and hurts too much if you try to.

    What did you say to yourself that u would not do?

    - be clingy, be needy. forget who i was. place him as the highest priority. be a doormat. hurt myself. not stand up for myself. disrespect myself. let anyone dump all over me.

    Did u stop looking into the future with your new boyfriend? or did you just live it day by day?

    - u cant do anything......sometimes it's all out of your control. i feel unhappy and abused all over again.

    Did you know that by doing that i creates insecurity in the relationship? was the "new" relationship better because if the change in attitude.?/

    - no.....i guess im not finding the right guys.

  10. #9
    Member lgirl's Avatar
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    Teacup just got to tell you that's a brilliant end quote you've got on your post!! (PS i know exactly how you feel)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Skippy
    Thanks all for the replys.... it has helped me see things i different light. My other questions is this....

    Has i made you fearful and mistrusting of relationships... that fact that that someone can always just walk away so easily? that there is no use with getting into a relationship because... well ... it can just end so quickly even after a long time??

    How did you get over the Hurdles???

    And please more replies, i really need to understand this. thanks
    I would not say fearful and mistrusting...but more alert to the red flags that I may have ignored (or chosen to ignore) previously.

    I don't think it is EASY to walk away, but I do think there are indications there when something is not right.

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