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Can a best friend become a lover


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As a kid growing, I've always been told that men and women can not be best friends because feelings would eventually develop. Once these feelings develop it's hard to suppress them. If we really think about it, the perfect mate for us is our best friend. There is a reason why people become best friends;there are lot in common between the two individuals. In a perfect world everyone would be in relationship with their best friend; unfortunately, this world is not perfect...Anyways, I think I might be falling for my best friend. The thing is I'm not exactly sure if my feelings are real because sometimes I would picture her as this angelic figure and other times I could care less about her. It's weird how the mind works. When we have our eyes on someone, we tend to believe that every action that our crush makes suggests to us that they might be feeling the same way when in reality they're just being nice. That is the problem with having a crush on your best friend. I don't know if she likes me, but I figure if she likes me she'll tell me. She was the one person who comforted me when my girlfriend broke up with me. Maybe that's the reason why i like her, because she was there for me in my time of need. Girls always tell me that they would never date their best friend because they don't want to ruin the friendship. But to me, that is whole bunch of nonsense. Why would anyone not want to date someone who shares similar interests as them and is there for them through thick and thin. Whenever we imagine the perfect person for us, we picture someone that have similar qualities as our best friend. Oddly enough we don't ever picture our best friend as the ideal mate. This girl that I consider bestfriend is perfect in every way, yet I just don't know how to tell her that I have feelings for her. The feelings that I have for her is not as strong as it should be, because of the fact that I still have feelings for my ex and I have a crush on a co worker of mines... I don't know, love is so confusing. Anyways, I just wanted to know why most people don't date their best friend.

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On my personal point of view, I don't believe in platonic relationships between men and women. One of the parties (usually the guy) has feelings for the other and surpresses it to "save" the friendship.

 

Doesn't sound like you see her as just a friend. Time to start treating her differently and let her know that you see her as something more. Chances of it working are slim, but at least you'll have your answer and then you can decide on what you want to do. Being her friend after that will lead to much frustration for you as you will be keeping feelings inside so NC would be the way to go then.

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I have a Best Friend who is a man and we don't even think of each other in that way. The reason we get on so well is the fact that he has 3 sisters and has seen the hurt they've gone through with boyfriends. He is a very loyal and understanding person and this is due to his upbringing. Unfortunately, most people assume he is gay by his appearance but he is straight!

 

My personal opinion is that if you do have feelings for your Best Friend then talk to them. Explain that you are interested in taking the relationship further if that's what they want. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by talking. Plus you haven't made a pass at them and caused any embarrassment or resentment between you.

 

Partners/spouses are supposed to be your Best Friends. Friendship can be a good foundation for a relationship.

 

Try not to be too disappointed if you are turned down.

 

Good luck and take care.

 

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Well, I know it seems like a great idea, being that you are already so close ad have so much in common. However, speaking from experience, you have to realize that there is a very strong chance that the friendship may cease to exist. My best friend and I were incredibly close friends for 4 years, and we went out for 2. When we finally broke up and tried to just be friends again, we couldn't do it due it to jealously, hidden feelings and broken hearts.

 

That being said, I would go ahead and tell her how you feel anyways. Worst case scenario, she freaks out and the friendship is over. If that happens, you'll get over it, and she wasn't a very good friend in the first place. If she does like you, then congrats.

 

I don't know if she likes me, but I figure if she likes me she'll tell me.
Maybe she's thinking the same about you...?
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The best relationships are grounded in and begin as friendships. Every day people fall for their best friends and they end up together forever. And that better be true cause thats what I'm banking on.

 

There is the issue of worrying about not wrecking the friendship. It is tricky and can cause problems. But the way I look at it, if you feel that way and don't say anything, wouldn't that still put a strain on the friendship? You'll be harboring feelings for her and be longing to tell her whenever you are together, but not be able to. That just hurts you and is likely to make things weird, even if you don't plan on that. And you'll never know unless you say something. You could be throwing away something great.

 

If you are true friends, then the friendship will survive even if the relationship does not. Yes, there is a chance things will get weird for awhile. There may be some akwardness. But things will get back to what they were before. And this way you will at least be able to say you tried.

 

A friend fell for me. I was liking her too but was debating on the whole ruin the friendship thing and was scared to take the chance. If she had never said anything to me then we would never have got to experience all the good things that happened after that moment. Yes, there have been plenty of bad too. And right now things are weird. But I know that the friendship will survive. The strong friendships do.

 

On my personal point of view, I don't believe in platonic relationships between men and women. One of the parties (usually the guy) has feelings for the other and surpresses it to "save" the friendship

 

Platonic friendships between men and women happen all the time. Look anywhere and you will find them.

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As a kid growing, I've always been told that men and women can not be best friends because feelings would eventually develop.

While they can be best friends, the guy almost always starts thinking he wants more. Just like it appears you have. This is typical male behavior - you are looking for a mate.

 

Women, on the other hand, can develop at least two types of bonds with men - one as a partner and one as a child. When you start out as a friend, you are thought of more as a child. She helps you grow, learn, walk you through things. However, I find that women don't easily switch their thinking from boy to man with a male friend.

 

Once these feelings develop it's hard to suppress them. If we really think about it, the perfect mate for us is our best friend. There is a reason why people become best friends;there are lot in common between the two individuals. In a perfect world everyone would be in relationship with their best friend; unfortunately, this world is not perfect...

Agreed. But if you, as a man, start out meeting women as a friend, they will treat you differently than they treat a man who presents himself as an adult, a mature man, a real man.

 

Anyways, I think I might be falling for my best friend. The thing is I'm not exactly sure if my feelings are real because sometimes I would picture her as this angelic figure and other times I could care less about her. It's weird how the mind works. When we have our eyes on someone, we tend to believe that every action that our crush makes suggests to us that they might be feeling the same way when in reality they're just being nice.

Exactly.

 

That is the problem with having a crush on your best friend. I don't know if she likes me, but I figure if she likes me she'll tell me.

Women more frequently communicate with actions than words. It's unlikely she'll just suddenly "wake up" and want you as more than a friend. Personally, I have never seen nor experienced it. I've had a lot more failures as have all my friends trying to jump this bridge.

 

She was the one person who comforted me when my girlfriend broke up with me. Maybe that's the reason why i like her, because she was there for me in my time of need.

Exactly. She was motherly to you, and you were child-like to her. She cared for you like her young one. I tend to think of this as instinctual and part of what makes a woman wonderful for being a mother. Good practice for her, in a sense, for having children.

 

Girls always tell me that they would never date their best friend because they don't want to ruin the friendship. But to me, that is whole bunch of nonsense.

Because a friend is not sexual in nature. Adults have sexual relations, children do not. And once you are classified as a non-adult, you are seen as nuetered, safe, baby-like. It's not sexy. She does not get butterfies for you in her stomach - she feels love but not passion.

 

Why would anyone not want to date someone who shares similar interests as them and is there for them through thick and thin. Whenever we imagine the perfect person for us, we picture someone that have similar qualities as our best friend.

We all do! The trick is to meet a woman and go on a few dates to get to know her and see if you share common interests! You then have an opportunity to prove yourself as a sexual and mature adult and go from there.

 

Oddly enough we don't ever picture our best friend as the ideal mate. This girl that I consider bestfriend is perfect in every way

How do you know? Have you ever been intimate with her? Not just talked about it... Intimacy can be very private, and not fully disclosed, but it is also very important for adult relations.

 

yet I just don't know how to tell her that I have feelings for her.

Well, you shouldn't open your mouth if you actually value your friendship. If you do, I bet she'd back off a lot for a while. Ask any woman, it's just a BAD thing for a guy to do.

 

The feelings that I have for her is not as strong as it should be, because of the fact that I still have feelings for my ex and I have a crush on a co worker of mines... I don't know, love is so confusing. Anyways, I just wanted to know why most people don't date their best friend.

I used to have a philosophy like this - "Friends first and foremost." The funny thing was after a few years I realized all the women I was friends with would have nothing to do with me in a romantic or passionate way. However, the women who I dated and made my intentions clear from the beginning turned into more - a whole lot more than just friends or lovers. I realized I was wasting time trying to be friends with women.

 

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The best relationships are grounded in and begin as friendships. Every day people fall for their best friends and they end up together forever. And that better be true cause thats what I'm banking on.

I could not disagree more. I know of no one who was friends and then lovers.

 

There is the issue of worrying about not wrecking the friendship. It is tricky and can cause problems. But the way I look at it, if you feel that way and don't say anything, wouldn't that still put a strain on the friendship? You'll be harboring feelings for her and be longing to tell her whenever you are together, but not be able to. That just hurts you and is likely to make things weird, even if you don't plan on that. And you'll never know unless you say something. You could be throwing away something great.

Yes, it can. But as a man this is something you need to say up front. Otherwise if you are friends with a woman for a long time and "come clean" you are might be telling her "I got to know you all this time and now I want to get in your pants. I was trying to trick you all along. I lied about my feelings and motives." It can backfire on you, because you just changed the rules in the middle of the game.

 

If you are true friends, then the friendship will survive even if the relationship does not. Yes, there is a chance things will get weird for awhile. There may be some akwardness. But things will get back to what they were before. And this way you will at least be able to say you tried.

Yup. In my cases it took 2 years for Nicole, 6 years for Claire, 8 years for Becky, I never saw Aimee again (she would not talk to me), Tracy called me names (charming), Jannette slept with me once and I never saw her again. I never saw Alex again. My first best friend *just* contacted me via email 2 days ago after 15 years.

 

I think you are taking a BIG risk.

 

A friend fell for me. I was liking her too but was debating on the whole ruin the friendship thing and was scared to take the chance. If she had never said anything to me then we would never have got to experience all the good things that happened after that moment. Yes, there have been plenty of bad too. And right now things are weird. But I know that the friendship will survive. The strong friendships do.

Yeah, but that's a girl falling for a guy. It's different when a guy falls for a girl, since it happens all the time.

 

Platonic friendships between men and women happen all the time. Look anywhere and you will find them.

The only time platonic relationships happen between men and women is when the woman is ugly and the guy does not want to have sex with her.

 

All men ALWAYS think about the possibility of sex, which means it's not platonic. You're fooling yourself if you think anything else. If a man not thinking about sex with a woman, then he's gay or thinks she is unworthy of him in some other way. Men are sexual creatures by nature, and women know this. Boys are asexual, and women can have friendships with boys - but not men. And boys never can "grow up" and eclipse the woman to have an adult relationship with her.

 

Is this always true? Of course not, nothing is always true. Is this mostly true? You tell me. I don't know any men who were friends and then lovers, and are still with the women. The women almost always dislike it for any number of reasons.

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This girl one of the closest and best frnds i had!..Well not for long!..We r going around now!! yeah i am in love!!!... So i think its pretty normal if something happens between u 2!..Some may think "it usually doesnt happen!"..But it happened to me!And its working really really well!

Ok thats my point of view!..U dont need to think this way though!

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I liked a lot of what POCO had to say and see validity in it. But then again Shy's got some great points to.

 

So from my point of view and field of experience. I have one male friend that I've been with since childhood. We've pretty much grown together.. through everything. And yes.. he's always told me point blank that I am his fantasy. LOL. We joke about it all the time. Fact is... in my situation.. no matter how much I LOVE him.. and I do. I am just NOT physically attracted to him, not one smidge. There have been times in our life when... both of us were lonely and needed that physical touch, love..whatever, and we've laughed over it. Because, we both agreed... it may ruin our friendship and that means more to us than anything. Besides.. like I said. Not a smidge of chemical attraction for me. Nada. nothing. It'd be like... messing around with my brother or something... yuk.

 

But we have the greatest friendship ever. We're pretty much honest with each other and can talk about anything under the sun without FEAR of being rejected for our thoughts, screwed up or not. And yeah...that IS a huge WANT/NEED or IDEAL of a relationship that you'd want with your significant other. I don't judge him at all. I love him. But if we were in a relationship.. yeah,those same qualities that I overlook..and drive his spouse CRAZY... would probably drive me NUTS. And I don't think we'd wind up being very "friendly"... lol. And with me.. he'd probably think the same.. instead of "sassy" and "assertiveness" that he finds attractive today.. these qualities might have different names.. "nag!" and big time "B"... Does that make sense.

 

I think that men and women can be friends. And yes, POCO... one or the other will develop feelings that may be deeper. We're human for petes sake. I've appreciated when men have been honest with me and told me up front that they found me desirable. And I've been able to put the BREAKS on. Its up front.. its right there. And its cool. We are all on the same page. I've been able to remain friends. I've been able to maintain those relationships...and remain the BUDDY and confidant. Sometimes it helps seeing things through the eyes of the opposite sex. I've had guy friends run by scenarios through me and ask me dating questions. And its worked. And they've done the same for me. Telling me what a guy thinks, what a guy wants... how a mans mind operates. LOL.

 

Have I developed crushes on my male friends. You betcha. And I've been honest.. I lost a good friend because of this. Well, heck it would have helped if he'd been friend enough to disclose his sexual orientation. LOL. And I've disclosed and remained friends with others. Chemical attraction not working for them. (how is this possible??? LOL).. and I married my best friend. And well... that didn't work out, or we'd changed but whatever.

 

Weigh it carefully... if you tell her.. can you handle the rejection and still be friends. YEP.. things get weird for a while after you disclose and she only wants friendship. But to be true to yourself.. as a person and as a friend. You'd share with your best friend your thoughts and feelings wouldn't you??? and if you can openly share your thoughts and feelings.... and not be judged then.. That is the true test of friendship isn't it????

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Not a smidge of chemical attraction for me. Nada. nothing. It'd be like... messing around with my brother or something... yuk.

Yeah, see, that was the point I was trying to get accross. It *sometimes* just doesn't feel right to a woman. It's like family. Sometimes. Not always. (For me it's been always, but that is probably more ME being the ugly one!)

 

You'd share with your best friend your thoughts and feelings wouldn't you??? and if you can openly share your thoughts and feelings.... and not be judged then.. That is the true test of friendship isn't it????

Yes. Exactly. Well put. This can be a true test of friendship. I guess some of my "friends" were not really the friends I thought they were. (In actuality, they were not really friends - they were using me. I realized this many years later.)

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In response to the OP, Poco covered it pretty well.

 

The best relationships are grounded in and begin as friendships. Every day people fall for their best friends and they end up together forever. And that better be true cause thats what I'm banking on.

 

That is total BS. The best relationships? Give me a break. ShySoul, I dated my current girlfriend from the first time we met, and I couldn't ask for a better relationship. You want your best girlfriend and she won't even date you right now. So that right there shows how false your statement is. Dating your best friend can lead to a great relationship, but so can dating a person you just met. Once again your entire logic is based around what you want to see because it's the situation you are in.

 

There is the issue of worrying about not wrecking the friendship. It is tricky and can cause problems. But the way I look at it, if you feel that way and don't say anything, wouldn't that still put a strain on the friendship? You'll be harboring feelings for her and be longing to tell her whenever you are together, but not be able to. That just hurts you and is likely to make things weird, even if you don't plan on that. And you'll never know unless you say something. You could be throwing away something great.

 

That is true.

 

If you are true friends, then the friendship will survive even if the relationship does not. Yes, there is a chance things will get weird for awhile. There may be some akwardness. But things will get back to what they were before. And this way you will at least be able to say you tried.

 

That's generally true although some guys can't stand still being "friends" with someone they are crushing on but can't have. It sometimes makes guys struggle very hard with moving on. The OP must ask himself if he can handle that.

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Recently I've been wondering why a male friend can not treat their female friend nicely without the friend thinking that the guy likes her. And even if he does, why should that scare the female friend? It just doesn't make much sense to me. Right now I am facing this very situation. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think my best friend thinks that I like her. Whenever we hang out, there is this awkward silence, and when I call her she rarely picks up. I understand that when a woman is not interested, they want to avoid the awkwardness of rejecting the guy. The thing is, I'm not even sure I like her like that. There was a point into in our friendship that I thought I liked her as more than friends, but that quickly faded because I realized that our personalities did not match. Hypethically speaking, if I did like her, than she is not really being a true friend by avoiding me. I hate the fact that there are people out there who are so into themselves that they believe everyone that's nice to them likes them... I really don't know what to do? I think my best friend thinks that I like her. I don't know if I should confront her or not? If I tell that I don't like her, she might be offended. I know, many people will say that I should stop being so nice to her. The problem with this notion is that if I restrict myself from being who I am, than I'm not really being myself. I see her as someone that's very important to me, somewhat like a little sister. The question I really want an answer to is -- why do so many women think that if a guy is nice to them that means he wants to get with her? Women always say that they want a male friend who is nice to them, but when they get one, they start acting weird and think irrationally. Maybe it's true that women and men can't be friends. Honest to God, I don't like her like that, I just wish somehow she knows. I'm not mad at her, because I know society implants this idea that women and men can not be "best friends" or "friends" without wanting more.... I just wish there was something I could do. I was just thinking about hooking up with some random girl so that she could be my friend again. I really do miss our old friendship.

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The question I really want an answer to is -- why do so many women think that if a guy is nice to them that means he wants to get with her? Women always say that they want a male friend who is nice to them, but when they get one, they start acting weird and think irrationally

 

Actually I find that a lot of women are in denial about their guy friend liking them. But if they do think that their guy friend likes them, then how can you blame them? Just look at the threads on this website. TONS of guys have secret crushes on their female best friend. It's so common that I don't see how you can blame her for thinking this if you are always there for her, always doing things for her, etc. Those are the same things that guys with crushes do. If you don't do these things then something else you did caused her to think this, but those are the most common signs that a male friend is interested.

 

I have female friends, but I don't call them up to chat, I am not available to their every beck and call, etc. If I am planning a get together then I will call them out to party. If we are getting people together to gohang out, then I call them and give them the invite. When we are around each other we talk about fun topics and have a good time. It doesn't get closer than that. If they do have a problem and ask for my opinion, I will listen and give them advice, but this is not something that I do all of the time. My friends that are girls go to their girlfriends for these things.

If you find yourself basically filling the role of one of her girlfriends and you are a guy, then yes, I can see why she would suspect you like her. In fact, you said at one point you did, so maybe she was clued in at that time and has no idea you changed your mind. I don't think this makes her stuck up to suspect you like her.

 

If you don't want her to think that you like her then you don't need to tell her, that would create an awkward situation. I would just stop being so available to her and start doing other things with other friends more. If you aren't occupying so much of your time with her as you usually do then she will probably think that you moved on. Either way, you can't control what someone thinks, so it's not something that you should be letting bother you so much.

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The only time platonic relationships happen between men and women is when the woman is ugly and the guy does not want to have sex with her.

 

All men ALWAYS think about the possibility of sex, which means it's not platonic. You're fooling yourself if you think anything else. If a man not thinking about sex with a woman, then he's gay or thinks she is unworthy of him in some other way. Men are sexual creatures by nature, and women know this. Boys are asexual, and women can have friendships with boys - but not men. And boys never can "grow up" and eclipse the woman to have an adult relationship with her.

 

That is completely unfounded and very demeaning to the vast majority of people in this world.

 

So, if a man and a women has a friendship, that means that the women is ugly? Or it all comes down to sex? The vast majority of friendships that I have made in my life have been with women. I would not consider any of them to be "ugly." I am most certainly not gay and I do not think of them (or myself) as unworthy in anyway. It is not about sex. It is about compatiblity. For whatever reason - be it not enough common interests, personality conflicts, or differeing values and believes - a romantic relationship never forms. But it in no way implies a sexual deficiency in either of the two people.

 

Originally Posted by Shadows Light

Not a smidge of chemical attraction for me. Nada. nothing. It'd be like... messing around with my brother or something... yuk.

 

And thus the two are not romantically compatible. Yet, they are still friends. Which demonstrated that men and women can still be platonic friends. In some instances, it won't work because of compatiblity. But in others it does work and the relationship flouishes.

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The only time platonic relationships happen between men and women is when the woman is ugly and the guy does not want to have sex with her.

 

All men ALWAYS think about the possibility of sex, which means it's not platonic. You're fooling yourself if you think anything else. If a man not thinking about sex with a woman, then he's gay or thinks she is unworthy of him in some other way.

 

Got to agree with ShySoul. This is insulting. Yes I know there are men out there that fit this stereotype but there are many more that do not.

 

Personally, I have many female friends (not ugly) who I would no more want to go to bed with than I would want my bottom lip stretched up over the top of my head till it reached the base of my neck.

 

Seriously it is statements like this that perpetuate ridiculous stereotypes.

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my bottom lip stretched up over the top of my head till it reached the base of my neck.

 

Thank you for that mental image. If I have a nightmare tonight, I will be sending you my therapy bill.

 

Seriously, that is the basis for so many ludicrous stereotypes. There are all kinds of guys who do not think about sex like that. It has only ever crossed my mind with 2 women, the rest I either had no inclination to beyond friendship or the thoughts didn't delve beyond romantic kissing. And just because a guy thinks like this does not make him an asexual boy or gay.

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my bottom lip stretched up over the top of my head till it reached the base of my neck.

 

Inevitably in our dinner party discussions somehow the question of how painful is childbirth comes up. You know the drill, the guys say "it's not that bad, bit like a sprained ankle..." the girls say no guy has the pain threshold to go through it.

 

I remember this is how one girlfriend described it.

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Childbirth is the universe's cruel joke on women. What you do to get pregnant is fun. The joy of having a child that you brought into the world is incredible. But the in between stuff is torture.

 

And its torture for the guy too as he puts up with the mood swings, the cravings, etc. Of course, you never say that to a female or else she will make things even more painful for you.

 

Lets see, how to relate this to the topic. Oh, I know. If a man and women are too endure the trials of childbirth together, they must use all the skills that make their friendship and romantic relationship work.

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The only time platonic relationships happen between men and women is when the woman is ugly and the guy does not want to have sex with her.

 

All men ALWAYS think about the possibility of sex, which means it's not platonic. You're fooling yourself if you think anything else. If a man not thinking about sex with a woman, then he's gay or thinks she is unworthy of him in some other way.

 

I don't buy this either and agree with the others. I'm not insulted by the statement though because I could care less if someone thinks this.

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I'm not insulted by the statement though because I could care less if someone thinks this.

 

The reason I am insulted by this is twofold,

 

1. This guy is making a statement about the way I think which is patently not the way I think,

All men ALWAYS think about the possibility of sex, which means it's not platonic.
.

 

2. There are many young members on these boards who may take such statements as gospel. And the myth that men think about sex with every attractive female they meet is perpetuated. And that myth permeates so many posts on these forums already.

 

I've said before, there is a type of guy who thinks like that, no question. But in my experience they are in the minority, they are men who have not grown up from their teenage years. They are certainly not "all men".

 

I agree with you on one point, i couldn't care less what this guy thinks of me through these forums but i do care about the message gross generalisations like this send to impressionable members.

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I'm not sure if all men think of sex with every attractive female, but I definitely don't think its the minority. I think its instinctive to do so, and most men do, but society and culture has said that its wrong and piglike to do that, so men suppress those feelings for the most part

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Thanks Melrich, thats exactly why I take offense. Personally, I know better. But there are a lot of impressionable people on here who will read that and think its true. While he has a right to voice what he believes, he should not imply that the same is true for everyone.

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but I definitely don't think its the minority.

 

I don't know conclusively if it is a "minority" either. That's really irrelevant anyway because I do know it's not "all men".

 

I'd also say that as you get older you meet less and less men of this proclivity. I think once the testerone driven teenage years and early 20s are over, lots of men grow out of that mindset of wanting to have sex with just anyone.

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Perhaps your thinking is backwards...society EXPECTS older men to be more mature and less.."horny"? thereforeeee they believe they must act that way...however if society said that it was ok for a 40 year old man to act like a horny 19 year old...maybe they would.

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Society does not dictate how a person acts. It is up to the person to decide his or her own actions. Society may throw at us how we are "suppose" to act, but in the end we choose rather or not to listen to them. A person must accept responsibilty for his or her actions. If a guy is thinking about sex with every women, it is because he is making that choice. If a guy does not and wishes to see what the whole person instead of something sexual, it is his choice. It isn't about age, it is about the person.

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