Guys feelings after divorce!

Hi I dated a guy going through a divorce recently and I was just curious to find out how you guys feel after you realized your marriage has ended or after your divorce has been finalized. I badly got involved with a guy at the time he was going through a divorce - never again. I'd like to think it was all bad timing because we had so much in common and just clicked but he freaked when his divorce was soon to be finalized. What do you guys feel after it's over, are you ready to move on just yet or still confused about things?

I have been through it myself and I'd say you could never really sum up all the emotions you go through. Some of them in no particular order would be a sense of failure, guilt, heartache, insecurity, disorientation etc etc.

It is probably not much different than the break up of any long term relationship but there can be so many other things to consider and there is probably more social stigma to a divorce than there is to the break up of a couple who are not married.

So like any relationship it takes time to get over it and i would say you probably never get over all the residual issues completely, particularly that sense of failure.

Hi LonelyFish,

It is a painful process. As with all of life's lessons, the path of divorce starts off mostly with bitterness and hopefully, ends off with much healing and a re-discovery of self worth.

It really depends on at which point did you meet your man. If you have met him when he is still recovering emotionally from the loss of his marriage, chances are that the relationship is doomed right from the beginning. This not only applies to divorced men or women, but also to those recovering from a breakup.

A relationship can only work out when people have healed fully, and are strong enough to withstand the rigours of a relationship and most importantly, know what they want in life. I cannot speak for him as to whether he is ready to move on after the divorce. People differ. But as long as there is guilt or angst on his part, do stay clear.

Those sentiments would not only eat him up, it would consume you too. It is always wiser to choose someone who is not hung up on the ghosts of the past.

A relationship can only work out when people have healed fully, and are strong enough to withstand the rigours of a relationship and most importantly, know what they want in life. I cannot speak for him as to whether he is ready to move on after the divorce. People differ. But as long as there is guilt or angst on his part, do stay clear.

Thanks - that really helped. Great advice. Makes me believe more that it had nothing to do with me personally why our relationship ended. I just wish I had known then what I know now - guess I have to chalk it up to another learning experience...sigh

Lonely Fish - I started seriously dating about 6 months after our separation. I was cautious after being badly burned but I felt pretty good about dating. Being badly burned helped me realize that I was better off without her so I didn't have any of the feelings of loss or any notion at all of getting back together. My self esteem was pretty good. The divorce dragged on for a couple of years and was very frustrating for me as she dragged her heals but that was mostly financial issues, nothing to interfere with my new relationship.

I think it depends on the individual and the circumstances. I'm glad my girlfriend took a chance on me when I was going through the divorce and we are still together 7 years later.

All that being said, some guys are a wreck and you would be wise to steer clear. I think you are pretty safe to assume that you had nothing to do with your breakup with the guy going through the divorce.

I've seen many divorces so I'm going off of what they have told me.

It varies with the person. There are guys who will feel hurt and lost. They may carry a flame for their ex and not be willing to commit their full self as in their heart they still want things to work out. There will be those who try to jump into a relationship right away in order to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation. Afterall, if he can find someone so fast, that must mean it wasn't him and it was all her fault, right? He's not ready for a real relationship, despite what he says.

I think its best to take time and not get really serious with someone just out of a divorce. The feelings are so raw and new that he probably hasn't been able to work through them. If you are going to start a relationship, you do want it to be with someone who is willing to go all in. And if you don't think he's ready for it, best to take it slow and wait until things are right.

Hey, life is a never ending learning process. Let's make the most out of it, and not cry over spilt milk. At least you are wiser now when you face off with future relationships. Take heart!

Hi I dated a guy going through a divorce recently and I was just curious to find out how you guys feel after you realized your marriage has ended or after your divorce has been finalized. I badly got involved with a guy at the time he was going through a divorce - never again. I'd like to think it was all bad timing because we had so much in common and just clicked but he freaked when his divorce was soon to be finalized. What do you guys feel after it's over, are you ready to move on just yet or still confused about things?

Going through! They are going through a living hell. Thats what they are going through.

A living hell so bad that one in thirteen suicides. So dont be "just curious" fishy. Get into the issue properley or get out.

In your case, I'd think get out mostly because of your "never again" attitude. One of the best things that can happen to a guy going through this hell on Earth is the support of a GOOD woman. But a good woman does not say "never again" and split.

The hell comes from being charged with wife bashing by a wife without a scratch on her. And being charged by a court which refuses to even look at the scars she's inflicted on him

The hell comes from the loss of the kids. It's a bit like greving a child killed in an accident but worse. The kids are available only for a short time. And a venting ex wife absoloutely poisions their little heads to the point that they genuinely believe that the father that they used to love has metamorphosised into some sort of monster. Many kids are quite terrified of access visits and this tears loving fathers to piecies. The kids are almost like the living dead.

The hell comes from earning fifty grand a year but living off less than five grand by the time the tax man and family law court have helped themselves to the pay cheque. And then being told that this is still not enough and more maintinance has to be paid.

Are you still "just curious" fish??

I wouldn't go as far as sparticuss in hostility, but I had a similar reaction to lonelyfish's post. It sounded like "Is it uncomfortable to be burned at the stake after being drawn and quartered?"

In my case, I felt like I was skinned alive and pulled through a knot hole. I planned to kill myself and was stopped by the cops and locked up. After a while, I can hide my sobbing from others. Yippee...progress!

If a few emotional scars puts you off, lonelyfish, how will you cope with problems in a long term relationship? How will you deal with illness, crises, grief and all the downsides life has in store? Will you only stick around for the sucesses, joys and prosperity? Even involvement with a Mr. Perfect will have its bumps in the road.

Be aware this is written by a recently single guy who's still in pain.

Nothing personal.

One last point I'd like to make.

Let's say you end up married and one fine day he leaves you for another.

After you stuggle to recover, some fellow won't date you because you're divorced. "Never again" he says.

Thanks for your posts but I think some of you may have taken my words in different light than I intended. I got hurt by a guy that was still recovering from his emotional wounds from his divorce. I got involved too quickly with him - he wasn't even divorced yet. I did everything for him and was great emotional support for him with all his troubles at the time. I think I gave him more confidence. He knows that and he told me how much he appreciated everything I did for him. I'd like to think maybe months down the road if we are both in the right place in our lives we could have a second chance. I have not ruled out dating another divorced guy in the future but for both parties sake I would recommend people to wait some time after the person is divorced to get emotionally involved with them. I posted this thread because I just wanted some imput on how guys feel after divorce - now I know a little more, thanks and I think I'm more empathetic to his and all of your situations, thanks again for sharing your feelings. I feel bad for my ex's hardship with his divorce but inturn I got hurt myself for not being patient and jumping into a relationship with someone that was not emotionally ready to make another commitment just yet. It saddened him that he couldn't make it work out as well. Sorry if my post came accross as bashing divorced guys, that was not my intention!

I'm sure you have the best intentions.

We divorced guys are a little touchy.

Wow, no dating until after the divorce. If, like my your wife falls out of love with you and your divorce will thereforeeee take at least a couple of years. Does that mean I shouldn't date for all that time? What about if my wife refuses to divorce me and I have to wait five years (UK Law) so I can divorce without her consent, I am going to be 42 by then!

Better stop seeing the new girl now

Sorry, I was referring to my particlualr case here in the States. Wow it takes that long in the UK to get a divorce - ouch! I think everyone has to use their own judgement. I'm sure its tough for you with your divorce but just be careful with your new girls feelings. All relationships are difficult but things get harder when someone is going through a divorce as I'm sure you know!

Sorry, I was referring to my particlualr case here in the States. Wow it takes that long in the UK to get a divorce - ouch! I think everyone has to use their own judgement. I'm sure its tough for you with your divorce but just be careful with your new girls feelings. All relationships are difficult but things get harder when someone is going through a divorce as I'm sure you know!

Oh yeah. I don't think it's responsible for people who are divorcing and/or divorced to enter into new relationships until the emotional divorce is complete ... otherwise they're just not ready to be in a new relationship.

Well, I don't agree. Since I started seeing the new girl I am a lot happier than I have been since my split. Found a few things lacking in my marriage that I had got used to over the years. I am not thinking about the divorce until it happens in the years to come? What is the point worrying about it now?

Well, I don't agree. Since I started seeing the new girl I am a lot happier than I have been since my split. Found a few things lacking in my marriage that I had got used to over the years. I am not thinking about the divorce until it happens in the years to come? What is the point worrying about it now?

I mean the emotional divorce, the getting over the breakup with the ex. If the UK has a 5 year waiting period, I assume that your 'emotional divorce' happens and is finished long before that.

hello, im a 33 year old male who has been divorsed for a year and seven five months. My feelings on a mans perspective is that it leaves you broken hearted , lost and confused. You learn that you don't know what you lost intill it gone. From my out look my feelings are that I loved my wife the best I could. do you start over I have asked myself or in a modern time and being young do you look on starting over and wonder if the answer is a new romantic relationship? But in your heart you know you still love your seperated spouse so much that you just don't know what to do. I've been so lost and the only thing I can do now is work on my well being and better my self. So let's say someone is really sick and can't function with that person in there life at the time. And then you have to break for personal resones the solution is the one that needs to be even know matter how hard it may be. So as the supporter you bite your lip and roll with the puches.As they say ("as in sickness and in health")

Everyone is different, but this is my story. The first month was shocking after the divorce. The first two months, it was booze, sad songs, and work. The third month, the booze part really took off. Around the sixth month, I started to get back into drinking. Around seventh month, got over the hump again. Currently, at the tenth month, I feel a lot better.

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