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Thread: My boyfriend CAN'T communicate!

  1. #21
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    I've dated a few girls who had the same issue. They just couldn't communicate, and it annoyed the heck out of me. It could present some major challenges in the long run. I wouldn't run just yet, but I would explore some of the advice given here. Some people just aren't as direct as we are.

  2. #22
    Member amy99roo's Avatar
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    I am involved in the same situation with my boyfriend. Any issues are always only my issues and typically my fault in his eyes. Since he doesn't have the same issues he doesn't feel like we should address them as a couple whatsoever. When I try to talk about them he instantly starts an argument with me.

    It makes me resentful and feel that the relationship is unequal. As a result I want to talk about the issue more to try to resolve it and end up bringing the same issue up over and over. This irritates him and frustrates me. Vicious cycle.

  3. #23
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    Men just are not into talking. Whenever we bring up the topic of "discussing the relationship" in any way, because they see it (often rightly) as criticism, they become defensive. Try reading the book "How to Repair your Relationship w/o Talking" Google it. It bet it works better than all the long and drawn out conversations you could ever have. It basically tells you how to transform a relationships using non-verbal cues, which are much more effective with men. Just a suggestion. Good luck to you.

  4. #24
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    i just broke up with my boyfriend mainly over this issue not to long ago, i also posted here about his conflict avoidance/issues with communication after a year of dating i realized i could no longer deal with it.

    so i know how you feel about this, it can really have you pulling your hair out when it feels like your talking to a wall.

    in situations like this i would advise ppl not to stay in that situation too long, if hes not willing to meet you half way and resolve things theres no point in continuing in a relationship.

    in most cases such as mine it can be the downfall of a relationship.

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  6. #25
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    I also feel like I have to keep things that bother me silent, in order to avoid a conflict.
    My boyfriend has an overwhelming sense of guilt, and when he says something that upsets me, he resents the fact that "he has to feel guilty about being honest." An example is that recently I drew an amazing portrait of him as a surprise, and although he admires my talent, he didn't want to keep the drawing because "it's so realistic that it creeps him out," and he talked about giving it away. Obviously my feelings were hurt, because I'd spent a lot of time on it and created it with loving feelings.

    He also said that if being honest leads him into situations like this then he'd feel compelled to start lying. I think it's unfair of him to turn this around on me and try to make me feel bad because he feels guilty. This has happened in other situations in our relationship. He does or says something that hurts my feelings, and then because my feelings are hurt, I clam up and become a little distant, then he feels guilty about it and resents my behavior, and then I feel bad because I feel like I'm making him feel bad. It's an endless cycle.

    Yes, he should be able to be honest about anything, but I should also be able to be honest when something has hurt my feelings. He thinks he can say whatever he wants in the name of honesty, but then he can't deal with my reaction to it if it's negative. I feel like this cycle will make me start walking around on eggshells, and be afraid to express my feelings for fear that he'll go through a guilt trip. Also, the one time we got into an actual argument, he dumped me because it was too overwhelming for him. We ended up getting back together 5 days later, by his choice.
    Any thoughts/suggestions on how I can bring up things that bother me without going through all of this? It's very draining and frustrating. I feel like I'm at my wit's end. Fyi, we've been together for almost 7 months.

  7. #26
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    What you have to do in these cases is become unavailable. Meaning you have to change your focus from him, to yourself and things that you like. Become so involved with yourself and forget about him without breaking up with him. It will drive him nuts. He'll start communicating on his own. We women make it so easy for men. They become comfortable. When you change behavior and they are not the center of attention, it makes them wonder. Wonder turns into worry. Once you have his undivided attention, you can say to him what made you decide not to focus on him much anymore.

    Tell him that as long as he acts this way, he is not a priority. No offense, but you need to be happy, and if he's not making you happy, you need to make yourself happy. If things just don't change, then you really may need to make a permanent change and remove yourself from the relationship for good.

  8. #27
    Silver Member SpeedingCars's Avatar
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    That is spot on! I noticed when my guy isn't my "universe", that things suddenly start to change for the better.

  9. #28
    Bronze Member real_life_101's Avatar
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    Yeah thats good advise???? Make him insecure to get your way. I have seen one good example of effective communication that would work, at least for me. Let him know how your feeling and How it is having an effect on you. I know you think it is a guilt trip, but when most of my girlfriends said to me how it was effecting them. I would understand and usually agree with them because I could see their side of it.

  10. #29

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    Endless non-communication cycle

    I know this is an old thread with only a few fairly recent replies but I have to say I agree with puzzled76 to a great degree. I am in a 5 year relationship which is much the same and feel hopeless that it will change. I feel mostly withdrawn now and would rather spend my time alone then than with him. I stay at my house most of the time. He watches tv all the time(which is too much for me), maybe because he doesn't want to be quiet with his own thoughts. If I want to talk to him I have to wait for a commercial break. I am really over trying to have a meaningful relationship. Maybe I will "How to repair your relationship without talking" which was suggested earlier.

  11. #30
    Gold Member Citlali's Avatar
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    I don't think I would go on for 5 years with someone wholly incapable of communicating and much less when it made me so terribly unhappy. It is one thing to want him to chat about how he feels every day and why and another to expect that, being in a relationship, he would be considerate and respectful enough to listen when she says she is concerned about something. He has to compromise. If he insists on ignoring her or making her feel guilty for bringing up her concerns by getting angry, then perhaps he needs to work on himself first before being in a relationship. And ignoring him as a tactic to make him worry and give in to listening solely because she ignored him, not because he genuinely cares about her feelings isn't that great of advice. Ignoring him doesn't make him think, "Well, gee, what did I do to her and what's bothering her? What made her withdraw?", but rather makes him wonder, "Why am I not being paid attention to? I have to do whatever to gain back that attention even if I don't really want to." That's not healthy. She shouldn't have to play games to get him to listen. Frankly, if he just gets angry and never wants to listen or communicate, to the point where it is making her unhappy, then it is time to move on. It's hard enough having a relationship when both people are trying. Having one where only one person tries and the other refuses to is a hassle and not worth it. One partner shouldn't have to drag the other along.

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