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Thread: My boyfriend CAN'T communicate!

  1. #11
    Member OceanEyes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bethany
    YOU are making this a problem. He doesn't want to talk seriously yet and doesn't like the pressure or to be pushed. Back off with the pressure, he resents it and he may even want to talk but when he is ready.
    I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with this. Nobody should have to sit around waiting for their partner to decide when and how they want to discuss serious issues. I agree, that nobody wants to be pushed, but is it really fair to expect your partner to sit around waiting for that exact moment when you feel like having a conversation?

    There are times when it's wise to just "back off". However, it shouldn't be that hard to talk about issues that are actually important. Relationships are a two-way street, and keeping things to yourself all the time is incredibly unhealthy. It leaves things to fester. A couple should be able to talk about things openly on a regular basis.

    Not all men withdraw like this. And yes, men and women do think and act diffferently, but there are certainly men out there who don't shy away from healthy discussions or close themselves off. I was lucky enough to find a guy who is a very good communicator, and has made this relationship the best, and most fulfilling, I've ever had.

    LiquidC: It took me over two years to discover that my ex and I were not compatible when it came to communication. I really knew for sure when we were trying to "work things out" in the break-up stages (I had actually moved out and was starting to see other people). We met to "talk", and even then, he refused to acknowledge our major issues, either saying nothing or things like, "I was always happy with that, this is YOUR issue". Well, perhaps it was, but it resulted in me falling out of love with him over time, and eventually finding a man who was a great listener and communicator.

    If ever you do decide that this relationship isn't making you happy, and DO find a man who fulfills this need, you'll realize what you've been missing. Just don't sit around waiting for too long just to be able to express yourself and have someone reciprocate that. It's not too much to ask.

  2. #12
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    There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it? so what I said I still believe in. Maybe he doesnt have a problem and is just going with the flow but the pressure to talk all the time about serious stuff is enough to make him clam up and not talk at all.
    If you want a man to talk, you should talk first about how you think and feel with NO pressure and reassure him that although you are having doubts, you still love him but need to be heard and need HIS reassurance that he will listen, try to understand your doubts and fears and then wait for him to speak when he has digested the information.

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by OceanEyes
    Just don't sit around waiting for too long just to be able to express yourself and have someone reciprocate that. It's not too much to ask.
    I am glad that someone feels the same way I do. The only "problem" is that you're posts have gotten me thinking about if a relationship is truly possible long term. I suppose I'm going to continue and take my wait and see approach, I don't want to give up.

    A few nights ago the issue I've been wanting to discuss came up on the television. He made a random comment and I simply stated that it would be unacceptable. He whined in defeat and that was that, conflict resolved. It was pure luck and I wouldn't exactly call it communication; I can't count on something like this to happen every time.

    I'm glad that you've found someone who you are compatible with. It's nice to know that there are men out there that can communicate as it's very steriotypical to hear that they cannot.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by Bethany
    There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it?
    Sigh... I am not harping, that's why I started this thread, because it's something I don't want to do. Most often I am "forced" not to say anything at all, not even a tentative attempt. I have had relationships in my past without this digree of difficulty.

    I could tell him how I feel and wait patiently for a response.. But I know he may never respond because he is too uncomfortable talking about an issue let alone bringing one up.

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by Bethany
    There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it?
    Sigh... I am not harping, that's why I started this thread, because it's something I don't want to do. Most often I am "forced" not to say anything at all, not even a tentative attempt. I have had relationships in my past without this digree of difficulty.

    I could tell him how I feel and wait patiently for a response.. But I know he may never respond because he is too uncomfortable talking about an issue let alone bringing one up.

    Again, I think you are misunderstanding me. I have said more than once that I am unable to bring an issue up. If I can't bring an issue up how can I possibly harp? He is not the one being pressured, I am, I am pressured to remain silent.
    Last edited by LiquidCherry; 11-26-2005 at 10:57 AM.

  7. #16
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    The three favourite conversaton topics of women.
    1/ What b/s men are. All men.
    2/ How ugly all other girls are
    3/ How the girl who's got a better boyfriend than you is a sllag.

    Nothing turns a guy off conversation faster.

    And it doens't matter if these are the last topics you talk about. It's what the guys keep having shoved at them.

    You may not start fights but believe me you would if you ever spoke honestly

    eg
    Question, Does my bum look big in this
    Answer Nah, looks fine
    Honest Answer Fwoaarrr yea! Just big enough to be nice and gropeable.

    Thats the truth. Thats honesty. Thats real communication.

    It's also the kind of communication that most girls cant face up to.

  8. #17

    i am living this wretched hell right now =/

    I have even been to the point that my father passed away last year and he had nothing. he just stared at me like a god damned dumbfounded child! I felt REAL angry right there and frankly, we have never NEVER been the same after that. He has no emotions and he does NOT know how to be affectionate unless he has been drinking. Oh, and did I mention he is a * * * * ing drunk on top of it all?!

    I am fed up and have wasted 2 1/2 years in my life. Time for me to get the * * * * away from him and save my sanity, mental health and emotional status before I wind up a damn unfeeling BITTER zombie replica of him. I get so filled withRAGE and he has the nerve to complian that i am ANGRY... no I am FRUSTRATED and with frustration comes RAGE for me... I feel REJECTED and have NO ONE LEFT TO TALK TO I AM ALWAYS ALONE WITH OR WITHOUT HIM AND WANT TO KILL MYSELF WHEN HE GETS STUCK IN "UMMM UMMM" LOOPS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHH

    It is NOT fun for me to sit and watch other couples DOING WHAT COUPLES SHOULD BE DOING and he is right beside me and I am left in the * * * * ing cold. HOW EMBARRASING IS THAT .. PLUS he dont EVER make eye contact - he faces the west talking to you when you are in the north.

    He is everything I could ever want in a man but he keeps making me feel guilty for being angry with this. I AM NOT THE ONE AT FAULT. LADIES YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A MAN GET THE * * * * OUT WHILE YOU ARE STILL ABLE TO *GET* ANOTHER MAN.. I sure am.

    I live on the beach dammit I am not holding out anymore. I am a HEALTHY WOMAN god damit.. I am UNFULFILLED UNHAPPY UNSATISFIED AND OUT OF THIS SHAM OF A RELATIONSHIP!

    Good luck to everyone else!

    - GONE

  9. 07-10-2008, 02:31 PM
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  10. #18
    Member AtMyWitsEnd's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bethany
    There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it? so what I said I still believe in. Maybe he doesnt have a problem and is just going with the flow but the pressure to talk all the time about serious stuff is enough to make him clam up and not talk at all.
    If you want a man to talk, you should talk first about how you think and feel with NO pressure and reassure him that although you are having doubts, you still love him but need to be heard and need HIS reassurance that he will listen, try to understand your doubts and fears and then wait for him to speak when he has digested the information.
    I have to respectfully disagree with you description of repeated attempts to communicate as "harping." The problem with many men's communication, I think, is that men are quite often conditioned to believe they are in control of everything and they run the household. Somehow, in many male minds, this translates to "I get to decide what we talk about or DON'T talk about and WHEN."
    Most likely, LiquidC and the other women on this board who are at their wit's end have, like me, already tried to calmly and patiently discuss these things with their men and have not gotten anywhere. Hence the description of us being "at our wit's end."
    I agree with OceanEyes--one shouldn't have to WAIT for their partner to "feel like" talking about serious issues in the relationship. That's like waiting to see if China will ever "feel like" talking about what they are REALLY doing in Tibet. If it is negative for the person you are waiting to "feel like" talking, then of COURSE they will never decide to talk about it.

  11. #19
    Silver Member SpeedingCars's Avatar
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    I FEEL YOU!
    My ex, who I'm trying to work things out with, is HORRIBLE at communicating. He is cold and distances himself whenever there's a problem. He literally shuts down and zones out everytime I bring up something... major OR minor. He makes himself seem so mature in other aspects of his life (job, school, etc.) but when I want to discuss something, he'll reply with "I dunno" or pretend he didn't hear me!

    THEN, when there IS an issue... it's never resolved. I am forced to go along with this silly game & pretend nothing ever happened! It's a horrible way to deal with situations and I wish I could tell you how to fix it.

    The only thing that KINDA worked for me was when I bit my tongue for a long, long time. I didn't bring up ANY issues or problems I had, even if he knew I was bothered. Then I'd wait until we were having a really good time together and I'd slip it in casually with a light-hearted tone. He never gave me a LOT of communication, but he'd discuss things more than he normally would. I realized when he didn't feel pressured or didn't feel him communicating would trigger a negative response from me, he was more likely to open up.

    It's irritating that I have to make such sacrifices when all I want him to do is TALK or have him TELL ME what's on his mind or how he feels about certain things.

    Ugh....
    I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering.

  12. 07-14-2008, 03:55 AM

  13. #20
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    I am bumping this thread because I am curious how things have been working out for you, Liquid Cherry.

    I have the same problem sometimes with my boyfriend... he clams up about anything and everything. No one is better than me about giving someone their space. But then I end up feeling less loving towards him, and naturally, I don't want that.

    But what's weird is that when an issue becomes serious enough that we fight about it, he suddenly turns into a great communicator. Our fights are very healthy. However I would like to be able to talk about things before I become so upset that they turn into a fight. Like you I have been in relationships where communication was just not so darn hard. I think I must not be such a great communicator either.

    I will try to take the advice in this thread but I am definitely hoping that things have improved for you, Liquid Cherry.

    edited to add: I'm still new here and learning the ways of the forum... just figured out LC has been gone for two years or so... boy is my face red. Well, if the other posters would like to update their situations I'd love to hear from you too.

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