Baby blues and then some!!!

Hello all, I haven't been here in months and I have a tendacy to take forever to get to my point so I will try not to do that here!!!

My boyfriend and I just had a beautiful, perfect baby boy October 18th 2005. We both have children from previous relationships he has 2 and I have 2 and we have 1. When we first got home from the hospital I freaked out, and this never happened with my girls when I came home. I was standing in my living room holding the baby and my BF was making lunch for my 3 year old and all of a sudden I just started balling my eyes out. I wanted to go back to the hospital. I refused to lay the baby down or even give him to his father even though I was crying so hard I could hardly see. (The baby was sleeping this didn't effect him, in case anyone was wondering) I felt that my house wasn't clean enough for the baby and he would get sick, or that I didn't remember how to take care of a newborn and I would do something wrong. It was so weird feeling this way because like I said this never happened to me when I brought the girls home.

I know that these feelings are normal, I have talked to the nurse and read articles and books. They all say its normal for at least 4-6 weeks after delivery but it isnt getting any better at all and the baby will be a month old soon. I am even more confused because the relationship that I am in is 110% better than it was with my ex when I had my girls so I should be happy. But in my mind after I had each of the girls is when that relationship went for the worse so I am afraid it will happen again.

My boyfriend took 2 weeks off work to help out which was great. He promised that it would pretty much be a time for us to enjoy the baby together, relax as much as we can and a time for him and I to bond and spend time together. Well this never happened, it was 2 days after I was home and I was in the kitchen making dinner that he promised he would do or at least help with, while he sat in front of the TV watching football or whatever. We hardly spent time together at all and if the baby was fussy I could use that as an excuse but we all know newborns sleep, a lot. He would have just rather been watching TV and me cooking and/or cleaning while at the same time trying to help my 6 year old with school work and a jealous 3 year old sister get use to the new baby, with little or no help from him unless he was yelling at my girls.

Is it normal for a man to be "not that intrested" in a woman after she gives birth to his child. No I am not ready at all for sex, he just doesn't treat me like I am even here 1/2 the time, then while I am cleaning up dinner dishes, getting the girls thier bath and caring for the baby he is either watching TV, talking to his brother on the phone or falling asleep. I am not sure if this is normal or if this is just my hormones going nuts. Like I said before I never had baby blues before but even now I can cry at the drop of a hat. I am not sure if I am going nuts or if I just need to get all this out because the only people I have meaningful conversations with are all under 7 years old. My BF isn't much of a talker or easy to talk to.

Now that I have typed forever (sorry) is there any advice for the way I feel or the way he is lately or will it really get better with time, or am I really going nuts I sure feel like I am. If you took the time to read this I thank you any input is valuable at this point I really need people to talk to that understand so thanks again.

If you need support you must ask for it. He doesn't know he is doing anything wrong by not helping out. He thinks your coping well running the house and looking after the children.

Usually I bet, you can do this with your eyes closed and don't need support. But things have changed, your emotions are running high, your tired and feeling like too much is on your shoulders and you need to tell him that you cannot cope alone and need his help and support. Ask him straight out 'Would you please do the dishes or take over the children while I change the nappy etc etc. Make sure its a 'Would you' and not a 'Could you'.

Also try getting out of the house alone and go visit a mate or go shopping. You need a break from all this as it's hard work and emotionally draining having a new baby.

As for the sex thing.. arrange a babysitter so you can get out of the house and start to rebuild your relationship as a couple and not as parents. I found that helped us alot during the first months.

Some men are very "old fasiond" and they feeel that if the mother is NOT working and he is, that she schould do all the childcare without complaint. thats what happened to me when i was home for 8 months with my son. Im working full time now and he helps me out allot when i ASK FOR IT. if you dont ask, you dont get.

Hang in there! I know its very hard. keep smiling!

I totally agree with Bethany. I am concerned though about your emotions. Although it is completely normal for your body to have to adjust because of all the hormones, I wonder if you are experiencing postpardom (sp) depression. I began experiencing anxiety when I was pregnant with my second child, something that never happened with my first. As you well know, each pregnancy is different and so is the healing process after birth. If what you are experiencing with this birth is not normal, stress that to your doctor! Tell them this isn't normal for you and you are concerned. Many times they will just tell you it's normal for the first 4-6 weeks afterwards, but if this is not normal for you then there lies a concern they should address.

As for your boyfriend, men react strangely. I wonder if maybe because of when you first came home and started crying uncontrollably may have "scared" him. A lot of men will pull back when women become so emotional because they don't know what else to do or how to make it better. You said he tried taking the baby from you but you couldn't. Maybe he had full intentions of having the first 2 weeks to enjoy each other, but then that happened and he wasn't expecting it, nor were you. Does that make sense? So maybe now he has pulled back from his responsibilities because he is uncertain of if he should or not. It sounds as though you two have a great relationship so I don't think at this point he is doing it to sherk his responsibilities. Sit down and explain to him that you don't know what is going on either but that you want him to know you don't want him to take it personally and you are going to speak to your doctor about it, but you do appreciate it when he does step in and help and if he could continue doing so.

Even though women have more of an adjustment physically and emotionally, men have to adjust as well.

And last but not least, CONGRATULATIONS with the new addition to your family

Something I keep going back to is that you mention that you did not feel like this with your two girls when they came home, and that even though people are telling you it's normal, you might not believe it's normal for YOU because it was different with your other babies.

Each birth experience and post partum experience is different. You may feel horrible after one birth and completely fine after another, or the first may be great and then you have debilitating depression after the next. That does not mean it is not normal for you, but if it's overwhelming, talk to your doctor about it. (but don't tell Tom Cruise! )

Just because it is "normal" doesn't mean that it's easy to live with or that you can't do something about it.

As for you boyfriend, I agree with others that perhaps he's just not getting it, and you need to directly ask him for help. At this time you've just had his baby, it would be nice to be noticed and appreciated. However, if he's just not getting that on his own, mention to him in a non confrontational way that you need some help. You've just given birth, and you are doing the housework and taking care of 3 little ones and though you know he's working hard, you need some help at home too.

It's also important, as Bethany said, to try and get even just a little time for yourself, to get out, take a nap, take a shower....is your family nearby? Any ready made babysitters?

I feel for you, I really do. I hope that things work out for you, but definitely don't be afraid to talk with your doctor about your post partum.

I would like to thank all that replied to this. I know that he works hard and I don't really mind cooking and cleaning it would just be nice to get some appriciation for the things that I do. I mean like I said when he gets home from work, it's right to the couch after a quick hello to me and to the baby. He sits there until dinner is on the table then after dinner it's right back to the TV. Sometimes I would like to just have the cable turned off, LOL!!! Even lastnight I was up intil 4am because he fell asleep about 9 and I had a lot to do. We use to do dishes together, clean up the house together, we use to do almost everything together. Talking to him isn't all that easy but I will attempt it, he tends to get defensive easily. As for our relationship, it is great, has been since I can remember. I just feel that now the baby is here and I am in better physical shape than I was before I got pregnant, and I will even admit I spoil him, (That comes from my past relationships, I always felt that if I do everything for soemone I love they wouldnt leave me, of course that never works but its a habit that is hard to break.) that I would get more appriciation than I do, he does tell me thanks for dinner but I want more attention than just a slap on the bottom or like when I try to kiss him passionatly (only word I can think of) he returns the favor with a silly kiss or just messing around. Now don't get me wrong (and knowing I can't have sex yet) I still satisfiy him sexually and I don't complain because I know he enjoys it but that is the only time he makes me feel compassion rather than just a well buddy I guess I can say. He has told me at least 10 times now that when we are able to do sexual things again that it is going to be better than it ever was, and making very personal and passionate promises that I wont go into detail about but sound very romantic and the way I want to be treated. But in my mind what is wrong with being that way now, there is so many things you can do, and ways that you can connect on that level with the one you love and not have sex at all, everytime I try he just blows me off.

Here I go again typing all day, which again I apologize for but it does make me feel a little better. I guess talking to him might work I know I am going to try as soon as the time is right, I guess it would be great if this would all go away when my hormones go back to normal and I stop feeling overwhelmed. I know I can handle being that "stay at home mom" and since I am going back to college online in the spring it will be great getting use to it now. I just want some attention I guess and I dont want to sound selfish I know I am not the only one who needs to get use to the new baby and all the new things that come along with it, I just thought things would be different. I dont believe in making promises that you cant keep and I think that might be part of my problem, he told me all the things he and we would do once I had the baby and 98% of it didnt happen.

Again I want to thank you all for your advice and I am glad that there are people that understand. If it gets to that point I will talk to my doctor about my emotional stress and slight depression I am feeling as for now I am going to look for the best opportunity to talk with him on these things.

Talking to him isn't all that easy but I will attempt it, he tends to get defensive easily. As for our relationship, it is great, has been since I can remember.

A good/great relationship means that you can talk about things without him getting defensive. How are you approaching him? Does it seem like an attack, or are you talking to him in a non confrontational way?

The other thing I read in your post is that you tend to do things with the hope of getting some appreciation. I can totally relate to this but I have to tell you as I learned the hard way, don't do things expecting to get praise, do them because you want to or need to, or divide the chores and get him to do some too.

If you do these things and get no praise, you end up resenting him and for what? He probably doesn't think twice about it. However, if he has his own chores to do, he suddenly might notice how great it was when you were doing everything.

He basically sounds like a good guy, he's just tuning out a little too much when he gets home from work. Everyone needs some down time when they first get home, so maybe give him till dinner, and then at dinner you can ask him for some help with the dishes or to help tuck your daughters into bed, something like that. Don't bring up that he used to do it and stopped, that is what will make him defensive. Just suggest that you'd appreciate some help with the dishes or something similar.

See if this gets you anywhere.