He's Having A Bachelor Party. How To Cope?

Hey there!

It's been a while since I've been on this site. It helped me in the past, and I'm hoping it will help now.

I am engaged to a wonderful man. We are getting married in January. One of the many stresses I am having due to the wedding is my fiance's plans of having a bachelor party. His best man is already planning it. I know that they are planning on having a stripper, and he knows that I have mixed feelings about it. Actually, if it were up to me, there would be no stripper.

Now, he's told me that he would never do anything to hurt me, and I trust him with all of my heart, but the thought of him being in close contact with another woman, who most likely will be naked at some point, and getting aroused by it REALLY bothers me.

I have talked to other women about it, and read articles about it, and every woman feels differently. I've also read that a lot of guys feel that they don't need to have a stripper to have a bachelor party, and others don't want to hurt thier fiances. Why can't my fiance feel that way? I know my feelings are normal, but the whole situation just sucks.

I just want some opinions on how I can make it easier on myself, and get through this without it lingering into the wedding day and ruining it for me(BTW I told him to tell his friend to try to plan it for the weekend before the wedding, so it does make me feel a little better knowing it's not taking place the night, or just two nights before).

Thanks everyone!!!

I can understand why you may be having mixed feelings about the stripper. It does seem to be one of the conventions of batchelor parties nowadays.

but the thought of him being in close contact with another woman, who most likely will be naked at some point, and getting aroused by it

Having been to a couple of these parties before where there have been strippers I would say 2 things, it is HIGHLY unlikley that he would be aroused by it and as hard as this may be to understand, in my experience the whole stripper thing is far more an "entertainment" thing than a sexual thing.

Did you ask him to have his friend cancel the stripper?

No WildChild, I did not. I don't feel that I have the right to tell him that he can't have a stripper. I do trust him, I just don't trust myself to be able to put this behind me before the wedding.

Hi greenowl...

Welcome back to site...looks a bit different, eh?

You are right, every woman feels differently about this. Personally for me, I am not one to care much about the strip BARS (not around here at least..I have been to them too, and they don't concern me) though my boyfriend has only gone once in the last 5-6 years anyway, but I AM bothered by "personal hired" strippers just because I have been there to witness before what goes on when a girl I know hired one for her boyfriend's birthday (don't ask...but obviously she feels different too!). It was NOT arousing, but I DID find it kinda disgusting and in a VERY weird way, entertaining......but others may disagree..I personally don't mind if my bf did go to the strip bar for a friends bachelor party or something if it's only look...but no touch, no lap dances and so forth!

However, I DO think that in this case there should be a level of respect and communication between the couples. I am surprised that he seems to say in a way "well it is out of my hands"...if he were to say to his buddy "I don't want a stripper" I guess one would not be there, right? However, that being said I guess it does come down to trust and respect for you and him. For example, if you discussed YOUR boundaries once you have communicated them (ie no touching, kissing, close contact and so forth) do you believe he would respect them, and thereforeeee you would feel better about it?

I don't know....this is something that is between what is best for the two of you and takes some communication on how you would feel and how he would feel and so forth. Strippers are no means MANDATORY and if it is REALLY going to hurt you, then I would hope he would understand, respect that and maybe at the VERY least make sure those strippers are paying full attention to the OTHER men there, and not to him.

Thank you Melrich. I guess it is more for entertainment. I am just hoping that the stripper they get is ugly.

OK, maybe then as an approach you could lightheartedly bring it up in conversation approaching it in a teasing kind of way so that he isn't on the defense right away. You may get a feel for what his thoughts are about the whole thing right away. Ease your way into the conversation and approach it that you aren't worried about HIM doing anything, but you are worried about his buddies trying to get him to do

something...ect..etc...keeping it lighthearted the whole time. Also keep in mind, he may be going along with the stripper thing as a whole male ego thing...he may not want it but if he says no to his buddies think of the harassment he'll get from the buddies.

Thank you Melrich. I guess it is more for entertainment. I am just hoping that the stripper they get is ugly.

 

I am sure there are some great looking ones, but I think they are rather far in between. Most I have seen either look plastic, are in not so great shape, or just sadly look like they have had a hard life way too soon and are aged beyond their years....

 

You know, how about you just do a striptease for HIM coming up....and by the time he gets to the stripper, he will only have you on his mind...I am sure you can do a better job and be more exciting

Thanks RayKay. You have always had great advice!

I would feel better if we decided that there would be no touching, kissing, lap dances, and if he promised me there wouldn't be, I would trust him.

I know that strippers are not mandatory, and that is partly why it bothers me. Plenty of men don't have the need for strippers at their bachelor parties.

I don't know much about strippers, and I have never even been to a strip club, but does anyone know if private party strippers generally get out of control? Are they told how far they are allowed to go before the party?

Amen RayKay, I think that sounds like a gr8 idea! Who can resist the one they're marrying

Great idea RayKay!!! I will just make sure he's satisfied before he goes off to his party!!

They normally tell the people how far they go

 

I don't know much about strippers, and I have never even been to a strip club, but does anyone know if private party strippers generally get out of control? Are they told how far they are allowed to go before the party?

Well, the thing with private strippers from what I have seen/heard is it at their discretion. Some will have NO TOUCH rules in place, others will allow her to touch him, but not him to touch her, some will allow him to touch her, or use "items" like dildos she brings and so forth on her....

The stripper themself may often let their boundaries be known, but they may be more "flexible" in what is allowed then some clubs would allow for example. Some agencies may have certain rules, but even then it seems to be at their discretion as they are in a private home and it is a private transaction as opposed to at a club.

That's why talking to him and making sure you both agree on the boundaries is important.

Thank you Melrich. I guess it is more for entertainment. I am just hoping that the stripper they get is ugly.

LOL...they usually are pretty rough around the edges but even if they are not, it is such a sterile atmosphere anyway. Most guys just lose interest halfway through the show and go back to playing pool or drinking or whatever they are doing. I know I do. Personally I have as much interest in watching a stripper as I do listening to a high school poetry recital...that is next to none...and I think from my experience I am in the majority.

Hmmm, that makes me a little nervous. Would it be a good idea to talk to his friend that will be hiring the stripper, and tell him how I feel, and that I don't want there to be certain things happening at the party with the stripper? Or is that interfering too much? I don't want to be the fiance from hell!

Thanks Melrich! That makes me feel better. I do have a feeling that is what will happen with my fiance. I mean, I HOPE at least!

The stripper thing is just a dumb symbolic thing for guys to do together, and is often as erotic as a tax audit. If you can laugh it off he'll be proud of your tolerance. If you make an issue of it, he'll feel controlled.

The stripper thing is just a dumb symbolic thing for guys to do together, and is often as erotic as a tax audit. If you can laugh it off he'll be proud of your tolerance. If you make an issue of it, he'll feel controlled.

Nothing gets MY motor running like finding out I am going to get audited.

Of course, that IS a very different kind of motor.

There you go greenowl...two men have said "it's actually dull and boring"...so if your fiance is of the same frame of mind, you have nothing to worry about

Thanks guys!! Now I know why I came back to this site!!

greenowl88 - I live in LA - most of the strippers here (actually i take that back most of the strippers in general) that I have seen, IN MY OPINION, were actually really pretty. Fake boobs , skinny , fat whatever ... def have had HARD lives and look like it. I personally dont have a prob with them , and you sound like even though you wish otherwise - you will get through this just fine. I like the idea of you doing something yourself first, yah know???!!! Like finish him off before he goes out to the party..

Sounds sick but i think i might take that approach when it comes my time. Dont worry about it - let him have his stupid fun - he loves you . He's marrying you. Lay out ground rules like the NO physical contact thing - take care of him yourself and then send him off to his childish fun.

I hope you are going to have a party yourself too, RIGHT????

Yeah, I am having a get-together, but not the same weekend. I will probably call up a friend the night he will be at his party so I can keep my mind off of it.

I think I would feel the exact same way as you greenowl.

I really don't see a problem with talking to the friend arranging the party. This might be a party for your fiance, but they need to respect you and your feelings as well. It's not like it's going to ruin the whole party if they didn't have a stripper.

I also don't see why it would be a bad idea to talk to your fiance about your feelings. Have you brought it up with him at all? If not, then I think you should sooner than later. Maybe just ask him how he feels about having a stripper.

OK, I probably find myself seeing strippers once a year, with a certain group of guy friends. I went to see them in March, the year before in February, and I think not for two years before that. This year, I will be in your guy's shoes, as they will want to have my bachelor party.

I think the one thing you need and should know is the boundary is not just who he is going to come home to, who he is going to have sex with, etc., but who he wants to do that with, and it is you.

Some of the strip clubs I've been in, very few, have attractive women. One I can think of, but last time I was there, the women were not as attractive. And on my last two trips, I have been dating different women. But on neither occasion did I want to take any of the strippers home or have sex with them.

Even when and if you get a good-lookign stripper, which is rare, you don't want her. As far as how she is looekd at by the guys, she is almost not human, she's there, she's flesh, but if she were a robot, it would make no difference. And on top of all that, you know it is just a financial transaction. One of the hottest thigns in the world is when a person you want, let you know that they want you. Knowing she is doing what she is doing for a few bucks, makes that impossible.

Yes, I have talked to him about it, and I plan to talk more in depth with him about it when it is closer to the event. I might talk to his friend. The thing I worry about is that his friend that is putting the party together is younger, and he is very sexual and has done some really crazy things when it comes to sex, and whenever him and my fiance get together, they tend to talk about that kind of stuff, among other things as well, but knowing the type of person his friend is makes me nervous.

I do feel better though.

Thank you Beec for the things you said. It helped a lot!!

Thank you everyone!!

Any other comments are very welcome.

I am always curious of the appeal and what actually goes on at these batchelor parties where the strippers are hired and go to someone's private home as well.

My bf went to a batchelor party a few weeks ago where 3 strippers where hired. He said they had a bouncer with them who makes sure there is no touching (we live on the northeast coast of the US), I know those rules are different from state to state and country to country), and that two of them were not attractive but the third was OK.

Personally, I am not thrilled at the idea of some paid for hire naked woman grinding in my boyfriend's lap, (and this is a rare occurrence, he's been to 2 batchelor parties in the 3 years we've been together) but what always comes back to me is that how appealing is this really to him, knowing that she is paid to do this, and does it with anyone who pays? How sexual is that? It really isn't very intimate, the feelings aren't there. For them it's more of a business association, for tips. Personally, I'd think she was kind of dirty.

It sounds as though you have discussed with him your feelings on the subject, and he plans to be respectful of those feelings.

I suspect if he told his friend he did not want any strippers, he'd probably get flack for it... it's as much for them as it is for him!

Anyway, guys, it's interesting to hear what goes on from a guy's perspective.