2nd year of marriage, please help!!!!

Where to begin...

I'm out of college (about to go back in January), working at a very good/steady job, making more than enough money to support my wife and I, allowing us to take trips every weekend, camping, visiting family, fishing, shopping trips, etc. I work about 40-50hrs a week, M-F, so I really can't complain about the hours.

My typical M-F day is wake up at 6:30am, eat breakfast, pack my food for the day, then go to work. I work till 5pm, come home, cook dinner with my wife, take care of bills/chores if there are any, if not then I just hang out and talk with my wife about our day, then run to the gym at 8pm-9pm, come home shower, and go to bed. Sometimes I forgo the gym if I've had a bad day, so I get a coupld extra hours at the house.

My wifes typical M-F day is get up at 5:30am, drive to her campus thats about 45mins away, study/go to class till 4ish, then get back home around 5-5:30. She is taking a lot of hours and graduating in December, but still manages to get her work done along with help out around the house some. Taking 18hours ALONE is more than enough.

So here's our PROBLEMS:

1. We dated about a year before we got engaged, things went really well till about a month before we got married. My family got really involved (and nosey) with the marriage, and my wife HATED IT! She has kept that resentment and won't let go of it. It's not totally unfounded, but she can't let that go, to this day!

2. She also doesn't like it when I go to the gym at 8pm, saying that it's too late and will actually create a big deal about it and has even thrown things (and broken them) over me going to the gym at 8, stating that I should just wake up earlier and go in the morning. That's a good idea, but I don't see anything wrong with going at 8, plus I'm not exactly a morning person and I'll just sleep in. That's how I am, that's how I'll always be.

3. I think this is the biggest issue I have. In my family, we've RARELY yelled at each other, as in once every 10 years, and then it's not a yelling match, it's a 'someone gets mad enough to yell then apologizes 2 seconds later' kind of yelling. My wife YELLS, CUSSES, SCREAMS, and THROWS FITS about the smallest things, just about 3-4 times a week. A list of things she can find enough energy to yell and scream about: the credit card bill is due, I have to study for an exam, the house is dirty (which means there are 5minutes worth of dishes, 2 loads of laundry, and we need to vaccuum), and you're not getting paid until when?? And this happens 3-4x a week. Well of course we have to wash clothes 2x a week, our washer is small. We cook 4 course meals 4-5x a week, there's going to be dishes to do, especially if we got 'lazy' and didn't do them the night before. And I am supposed to get paid every two weeks, but this is a very small company going through big changes, so sometimes they get behind a few days, or a week, and she gets thoroughly upset about this one, because she likes to have money at all times, i think it's a safety issue. I can do with $50 in my account for a few days, and hold out until I get paid. We dont live off credit cards, so of course our checking account is going to get low until I get paid again.

4. The worst part is I get cut down during the one sided yelling matches. I get blamed if she doesn't get to study, I get blamed if the dishes aren't done (even if it's 5:30 and I got home at 5:29). When I don't get paid till a few days after I'm supposed to, I'll hear about bills and how much gas is costing these days, and asked 'what do you want me to do, starve', when it is totally outrageous that I would actually be TRYING to starve her.

5. Communication is bad, and she thinks it's ALL my fault, even though I get run over by her, and usually just let her do it, 99.9% of the time. She says I annoy her when I try to make things work. I also get her saying 'It's OVER', then she walks out the door, to return 30minutes later. I can't even think about having children if this is how she acts. I know she's only 22, but wow, this is getting out of hand, and I don't knw what to do.

It's like the obvious things that are going to happen are surprises to her, and everytime these 'surprises' happen, she flips out. I get called out on ALL of the mistakes I make, even if I can't help them (like getting paid late), yet I KNOW if I ASK her to do the smallest thing, there is so much resentment for all of these small things built up (that should never be built up in the first place), that she will explode. I'm not sure how to get through this, and I really am tired of walking around on my tip toes so I dont get yelled at or make her get mad. I think our life could be great, I think we have a lot of things going for us, and it seems like she doesn't see all of the good that's around us. PLEASE HELP!!

Sounds like you've got a lot of problems to deal with. Marriage counselling might be in order.

Now I know that the first 2 years are supposed to be a honeymoon period, but I've also heard that they are the hardest because you're learning to live together, etc.

Your wife has a lot of stress right now, so I'm sure that that's contributing, but neither is that a license to be crazy. However, do keep the stress in mind when evaluating her behavior. Stress can cause one to lose their perspective. This happened to me (I lost my perspective and thereby, my cool) and I'm very lucky my bf was nice enough to understand the root of it.

The family thing probably cut her pretty deeply and may have caused trust issues that reach into everything else. How did the family get involved and did you have any part in it? When it happened, did you take decisive action to put them in their place, thereby showing your wife she comes first? That is something very hard to get over. I've been there and done that.

With the gym thing, I know you don't think it's a big deal, but if it's one small thing that you can change that will make her a little happier, why not go ahead and change it? Maybe she considers late night time to be the time for you two to have your 'settle-down' time, know what I mean?

You mentioned that in your family, there were hardly any fights, screaming, yelling, anything. But her family might have been very different. You might want to get to know how she grew up and take that into consideration when you're thinking about why she's acting like that.

Lowering stress in her life...maybe encouraging her to take less courses, or maybe taking over some of the household stuff she's doing right now, that might help with perspective.

But, all in all, I hope you stay committed even though she's acting a little crazy right now. It will pass if you're committed to working through it. As I said, you should probably consider marriage counselling...if she won't go, then go by yourself as that will help you to understand more about her and more about you, which is definitely a win-win thing.

Good luck,

Phreckles

1. We dated about a year before we got engaged, things went really well till about a month before we got married. My family got really involved (and nosey) with the marriage, and my wife HATED IT! She has kept that resentment and won't let go of it. It's not totally unfounded, but she can't let that go, to this day!

Rereading your post, it sounds like the problems really started with this. I can't blame her, I went through that. I hope that you're keeping them out of your marriage and have clearly drawn the boundaries, because if you haven't then you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

The other things that have become problems but weren't really that bad before may all stem from this...she may be expressing anger over that first thing by picking at the rest and of course there's still the stress of day to day life. See a counsellor.

thanks for the words.

My mom basically took over the wedding planning. My wifes parents (divorced) rarely are involved in our life, and rarely even call us, maybe once every few months, if that much, so they had no part in the wedding at all, other than showing up, nor did they try to take part in it. Her dad was going to pay for most of it, but about a couple months before decided he wasn't going to anymore. Since we were so young (22 & 21), still in college, we had no money, and my parents footed the entire bill, so my mom made sure she got what she wanted in the wedding, and went overboard making that happen. At least we got to pick out her dress and our cakes. =/

They were also involved in helping pay for some of her school/bills, and she hated that too, but what is she going to do, turn down rent money? Shes very independent, and taking money from my family was extremely hard. Now that we are financially set up, it's better, but still a soft spot.

We live about an hour from my family now, and are moving 10 hours away in January, where I have two job offers, and she has two very good shots at some decent jobs as well. I'll be going to school full time and working. Hopefully this will get us far enough away to really be ourselves. The last move was supposed to do that for us, but it was only temporary.

As for going to the gym at 5am, I actually did that for about 2 weeks, but I found it pointless. The extra time we were going to spend together turned into me bumming around while she studied, then we'd go to bed. So instead of me being bored, I'd rather get that extra sleep, workout while she is studying, then still go to bed together at the same time. She studies at night, so I just leave her in the office at her desk and find something else to do till she is done. I'm not sure why she throws such a fit if i'm gone while she is studying, maybe she just wants me to be around? I have no idea.

The whole wedding planning disaster is sadly very common. Parents love to pay for the wedding, so long as they get to have their say in what happens. More often than not they get too pushy, and it turns into their way or the highway. Sounds like this is what happened to you and your wife. It wasn't your wedding. It was your mother getting to have her wedding all over again.

That being said, your wife sounds like she is being extremely combative, which isn't justifiable under any circumstances in my opinion. Was she this hostile before you were married? I'm assuming the answer is no. Regardless, if she keeps this up you wont be married to her for much longer. And if you are, you'll be miserable.

Marriage counseling in this situation is a must. Conversations between you two about these issues will inevitably devolve into an argument, and the argument will turn into a shouting match, and she's going to win. I think you need to insist on marriage counseling. If she refuses, then you'll have to take drastic measures to make her realize that unless she's willing to work on the marriage then it's going to end. And if things go on as they are, the marriage WILL end. It's possible your wife is just under pressure now and she'll get better, but don't assume anything.

Insist on marriage counseling, and when you're in there speak openly and honestly about everything you've written here. You may want to offer an apology for what happened with the wedding. You should have stepped up and told your mother it was unfair of her to be so controlling of the wedding plans. I can understand your wife being upset over it. Weddings are a big thing for women. But that's all in the past now. You need to move forward.

As for the whole workout thing, I thought she had a point when I first read your post. I would think those would be quality hours for you two to spend together. But if she's only studying during that time, then she's being unreasonable. I think a good compromise might be for you two to take up a physical activity you can do together, like cycling. I commute to school and work on a bike. It's great exercise.

I'm going to vote for stress upon stress as part of the cause. I'm also going to say that marriage counselling is the best answer. Wish I had better advice for you, but that's the best thing.

some_guy, you could not be more correct. And phreckles, thanks again. I am going to try to find a counselor this week. We are going to my sisters birthday party and my brother in laws birthday party this weekend, so hopefully we can just keep things going smoothly for a few days until we can get a counselor to help out. Again, thank you all for listening and talking with me...