Life after a breakup with a Narcissist

I'm 10 weeks out of a relationship (NC as well) with and ex-girlfriend that is Narcissistic. We only dated for four months but I am still having a hard time. It's those damned memories of what she was like "before" that do me in. Even though I am gradually getting better, I am amazed at the breakup aftermath of dating a person with a personality disorder like that. Can anyone else relate?

I would suggest you read up on tempermental_taurus's threads, she dated someone with Narcissist Personality Disorder I believe.

I dated someone who very well could of been, but was not officially!

I am sorry to hear about your breakup, it is those "before" memories that linger with us, however it is important to realize then that was not the "true" her at the time...her true self came out later on as you go to know her more. It's also important to realize that there was nothing YOU could do to change her if she truly was Narcisstic, (and even if you could, generally they don't believe they DO need change - it's the rest of the world with the problem, not themselves, correct?).

You are better off, as you deserve someone whom loves you 100% and can GIVE you that 100% you need.

Thanks. I've done a lot of reading on it and realize all that. It's just being patient with the healing which is the difficult part. Plus there was no real closure, so that bugs me as well.

Thanks. I've done a lot of reading on it and realize all that. It's just being patient with the healing which is the difficult part. Plus there was no real closure, so that bugs me as well.

Maybe if you explained what happened, it might help too.

I think often, no matter "why" the breakup occurred, people feel no sense of closure - often they use it as a reason to hang on. I had dozens of "closure talks" with ex's, and all of them led to nowhere and while I felt "closed" temporarily, questions would arise again in no time.

In time though, you realize closure comes from within yourself when you start truly healing and moving on, more often then from another (especially not an ex).

In time though, you realize closure comes from within yourself...

Some of the best words of wisdom I have heard... I wish someone would have said this to me about a year and half ago - would have saved me a ton of grief... (Though, admittedly, I am the better for going through it)

Yes I am realizing that I must get my own closure. I'm just whining about it because it takes so long. ha ha

To summarize what happened: Things started out great. Instant chemistry and we saw each other quite frequently from the beginning. The first three months were great, save a couple of small red flags I saw but didn't think too much of. For example, I noticed and asked her why she didn't ever ask anything about me - past or present. It's like she wanted to spend all this time with me yet not get to know me. She gave some lame excuse. She also never volunteered info on herself and when I asked, she gave me short answers and then proceeded to change the subject.

Then I sensed she had huge insecurities, primarily the fear of abandonment and she kept reminding me of how she had been, and I quote, "burned really, really bad" in past relationships.

She became jealous if I didn't do what she wanted to do or if I went out with friends. She hid it well and instead of saying anything, she used the silent treatment on me as well as started to withdraw emotionally and sexually from me as well.

I attempted in vain to communicate with her but it was a loss cause. She even admitted she feared confrontation of any kind. She retreated and then approached all the time. When she did approach again, she acted like nothing was wrong. She never apologized and could never see her part in the situation. This is where she shifted all the guilt and blame towards me.

I didn't call her for four days and she proceeded to bring over to my house a few things that I had at her house which I needed when spending the night. Attached was a letter saying how everything was my fault and it made her appear as if she did no wrong. She painted herself as the Victim perfectly. I called her back and she dodged my calls. The next day I e-mailed her. She responded back and said I had "deeply wounded" her so much that she could not talk to me on the phone. So I e-mailed her back, said nice things and didn't respond to her false allegations, and that was it. I haven't heard from her since in 10 weeks. I didn't really expect to and I know it's for the best that I do not. But since it ended like that, with no closure, I keep wondering what (if anything) will happen next. I get the feeling that's her intent.

does she have an official diagnosis?

what you are describing sounds more like borderline personality disorder...either way, there's no hope with someone with a personality disorder unless s/he is committed to recovery and is getting professional help...and even then, it's a long shot

have you asked yourself why you stayed involved with her? why were you attracted to her in the first place?

But since it ended like that, with no closure, I keep wondering what (if anything) will happen next. I get the feeling that's her intent.

I doubt it. She is employing her coping mechanisms. She may not even be considering how this is affecting you. sometimes people with PDs (personality disorders) do things 'in the moment' and then change their minds a few moments later. It is not unusual for someone with a PD to just 'blank' you, as though you never existed in the first place...again, these are coping mechanisms, ingrained patterns.

I'm sure you already know that if indeed she has an untreated PD, you are better off detaching from her.

Yikes, well, I know this is not much consolation, but she does not impress to me being great quality "girlfriend material" - not one of those people that would make you say "she's a keeper" at least!

Not sure if she is Narcisstic (was she ever diagnosed) as much as selfish and immature about things...

I think the best thing to do is to carry forward as if nothing will happen from her end. I mean even if she WERE to contact you, would you truly believe that it would change whom she is? You seem to come accross as a very intelligent, bright, caring person, whom can see a situation for what it is (and hey you have a great smile too!) and I think YOU know you deserve better than that kind of treatment from someone, and in a relationship, right? Why settle?

Be strong, if she contacts you I personally would ignore those contacts in as much as possible. Happy Healing

Thanks for your feedback. She hasn't been officially diagnosed but I believe she's a Narcissist. I also read that PD's, like Narcissism and Borderline, often overlap. It was pretty hefty emotional abuse if nothng else.

A reason why I suspect Narcissism, is she was always pre-occupied with being perfect. She couldn't tolerate criticism. I never criticized her, except perhaps constructively when I was telling her how she affected my feelings. In other words I called her on her abuse tactics. She turned that against me and said "there you go again telling me everything I do wrong". In her last e-mail to me she said..."I realize I am far from perfect already and I don't need you to tell me this". She had issues with her father, who emotionally withdrew from her and abused her, so I think that's where it stemmed from. He was also a surgeon. Talk about someone that has to be perfect. So he probably put unrealistic demands on his children to be perfect.

Inability to tolerate criticism and striving excessively to perfect fell under Narcisssm, so that's why I suspect that. And also she talked about herself about 80% of the time we talked. Regardless, whatever label is put on it doesn't matter.

I know the right thing to do, and am doing it, but it's amazing how this screwed with my mind so much, especially since the relationship was of short duration. It's like having a bad virus that lingers around and won't go away. Ugh.

This site provides some interesting information mixed in with some humor.

link removed

I think it will tell you a lot.

Don't worry man. 10 weeks is still not that long depending on the realtionship and the type of person you are. I know its easier said than done, but it's not worth pining over this girl. Did you honestly see a future with her at all? How about marriage? My guess is no. She sounds kind of crazy and its best to have left it at 4 months than to go on. I'm guessing she was fairly attractive and her looks attracted you more than personality.

Yea its true when you breakup you mainly think of the good memories rather than the bad. I broke up with my ex almost 2 months ago because she had many of the same crappy qualities as your ex you described in your post, and i couldnt take it anymore. We dated for a year and it started off good but then her true personality came out. Because of this I fell out of love and truly saw no future with her. However I am still saddened over the breakup and even though I dumped her, I am still not fully over it. it takes time

Hi, I ended up reading about Narcissists etc after my last break up which was about 6-7 months back...yes, I can relate. There are many character traits that you describe in your relationships that are very like my last relationship.

Though it's not official I feel strongly that my last ex is possibly a narcsissit or sociopathic (as they're quite similar).

Like your my relationship was just a few months as well and I would have sworn up and down , those around me too that this person was so right for me and we were so right for each other.

Like you ex I got the blame for everything, like you ex mine couldn't take any kind of critisicm, if what you were going to say wasn't some sort of praise he didn't like it, if your talking about serious issues in his life he would always change the subject, totally downplayed his previous relationships and plays the victim, nothing is ever his fault.

I totally understand the pain and confusion that you must feel, the not having any closure on what happened just compounds the pain even more. I know closure has to come form within yourself etc.....my experience has really knocked my confidence, my faith in people and relationships.

The pain will dull and over time it will loose it's intensity however I'm not a weakling and several months later I'm still trying to deal with the feelings of emptiness, and still find questions coming up all these months later. These people with these kinds of issues are dangerous, very destructive to the hearts, emotions and feelings of others...the thing is you would never know that they're that way until you get involved with them.

I'm still trying to deal with the feelings of emptiness, and still find questions coming up all these months later. These people with these kinds of issues are dangerous, very destructive to the hearts, emotions and feelings of others...the thing is you would never know that they're that way until you get involved with them.

So true. That's why I am questioning myself as to why it takes this long to forget someone that was so destructive. Good point.

Did you honestly see a future with her at all? How about marriage? My guess is no. She sounds kind of crazy and its best to have left it at 4 months than to go on. I'm guessing she was fairly attractive and her looks attracted you more than personality.

Yeah that's the strange thing about it - I knew in my gut that I wasn't going to marry her and that she wasn't "the one" so to speak. That's why I am baffled as to why it is this difficult to get over. I could understand it if I felt like she was the one, but knowing she wasn't and played all these manipluating games should, at least logically, make it easy to get over.

I'll get over it, but I am just amazed at how long it's taken. I think I was more attracted to her looks. She charmed me in the beginning as well as excessively flattered me. It's nice to be flattered but when it is excessive it makes you wonder what that person is up to.

Maybe that gut feeling you had was really your instincts trying to warn you.

They are amazingly flattering as well, my ex swept me off of my feet, literally, like you I saw one or two red flags but as well didn't consider them to be really substantial. My ex too right from jump street told me he really doesn't like conflict, doesn't want to feel that he warring with his woman. I do remember thinking to myself is that because when you're wrong you can't bear to hear the truth about your actions?

I think because initially they're so attentive, so romantic, in my case we had talked of a whole future, children, marriage the whole nine.....that you just can't see how someone so giving, thoughtful, attentive, someone making such an effort could turn around and be so destructive. To me it as though they know beforehand what the outcome is going to be....that realisation was very painful for me.

I then went on to find out that what he had done with me he had done it so many times in the past.

My advise to you is every time you start to remember their niceties...force yourself to see them for the decptive, destructive, twisted person that they really are. That's what i do. Admittedly on hearing about the other women he's done this to, and the lies and secrets he's kept hidden from his family and loads of other things, it made me realise that it really probably was for the best. And as he has the issues, no matter who he's with it's going to end up being destructive.

My ex too right from jump street told me he really doesn't like conflict, doesn't want to feel that he warring with his woman. I do remember thinking to myself is that because when you're wrong you can't bear to hear the truth about your actions?

That's exactly why. I see it all in hindsight now. They can't stand to be told there wrong or handle any constructive criticism. They turn the blame on you immediatley, like mine did by saying "there you go again telling me everything I do wrong", as a defensive mechanism. That way they don't have to face the problem. It sounds good in some respects but the problem with it is that they never learn from their actions and thereforeeee remain emotionally stunted. She's 36 and has the emotional (and sexual) maturity of a teenager. Then you try harder to get them to see reality and then they only turn it on you again and leave you feeling confused. Again, it's the after effects of the relationship that still leaves one reeling for quite a while.

How long was your relationship? How did you meet? Was he also a perfectionist and very bright and educated?

John..I saw your pic.....

You should be fine...you are HOT. hahaha...

Sorry..had to say it. Hope you feel better

My ex too right from jump street told me he really doesn't like conflict, doesn't want to feel that he warring with his woman. I do remember thinking to myself is that because when you're wrong you can't bear to hear the truth about your actions?

 

It sounds good in some respects but the problem with it is that they never learn from their actions and thereforeeee remain emotionally stunted. She's 36 and has the emotional (and sexual) maturity of a teenager.

I can so relate to this, my ex was 38, he's 39 now and is so emotionally stunted it's untrue. I'm 33, was 32 when we dated. I've known him since I was 18/19 and have been acquainted with him since then and know a few people in common, though not always in contact with each other. We really built up a rapport a couple of years back and he revealed to me that he actually had liked me since I was 19, recalling outfits I would wear, music I'd listen, hairstyles I'd have etc etc....which for me was quite flattering as it showed he really ahd been observing me from afar all this time, unbeknownst to me. I didn't feel comfortable when he started making his play for me ast first as I've always seen him as being an acquaintance. (He's son's Mum's sister is a friend of mine but the friendship drifted for years and we weren't in contact. Me and my friend that it).

So I've always seem him as being the father of my friend nephew thought I had not been in contact with my friend and teir family for ages.

We built up a little casual telephone friendship where we'd banter and talk, but still had out own lives, there would be times when contact would lapse. Phone number changes etc.....anyway we resumed contact at the beginning of this year, really hit it off, were very open about where we were at with our lives, what we're lookignf or, talked about our dating experiences, he invited me out for dinner, I went and as they say the rest is history.

He's not at all an academic, for as long as I've known him he's run his own gym in South London, is very much into sports and fitness, trains boxers that kind of thing. He's very affable and endearing, and very humorous and loves to joke about. He put the gym up for sale when we got together, he's been wanting to detach from it for some time, he said I was very much the "missing link" that he said he's been looking for ins selling the business, thus enabling him to live a "normal life" I've since heard that it actually sold on August 31st.

We talked about our feelings on dating and relationships, he told me his version of events on what happened with him and his sons Mum though I had heard it from him before, and other relationship breakdowns. He pursued me so much as well, was very attentive and early on was talking about us settling down, having a future and him being in love.

 

Then you try harder to get them to see reality and then they only turn it on you again and leave you feeling confused. Again, it's the after effects of the relationship that still leaves one reeling for quite a while.

I noticed mainly in hindsight he blamed his son's Mum for what happened in their relationship, the 2 ex wives he has he blames them for the marriage failure, when we parted ways, I too got the blame. I tried to communicate to him the reality of what was going on, he just became so ignorant.

How long was your relationship? How did you meet? Was he also a perfectionist and very bright and educated?

I must look for my old threads for you, because it was then that I started to post on here. I'll PM them to you.

....which for me was quite flattering as it showed he really had been observing me from afar all this time, unbeknownst to me. I didn't feel comfortable when he started making his play for me

Narcissists, if he in fact is one, are very observant. I noticed this with my ex but again didn't think it to be anything big. They are observant because they are doing "recon' work on you - noticing your habits, what bothers you and what doesn't and your limits on your personal boundaries. Things like that. So later on after they've built up a big file on you, they know what buttons to push and what manipulating tactics they can employ against you when they need to. I noticed these tactics increased whe she thought she was losing control over me, even though she wasn't in reality. They fear abandonment and when you begin to show independance or separate from them then they resort to these tactics. I connected all the dots after the breakup, even though during I knew something was amiss.

Anyway, the fact that it is so calculated and pre-meditated is what's dangerous and is what leaves us to puzzling questions long after the physical separation.

their behavior is so obscure and at times nothing short of bizarre...and consistent exposure to such behavior does mess normal people up after awhile

you'll choose to avoid people like this in the future hopefully

you'll choose to avoid people like this in the future hopefully

Absolutely. I'll be more awake in what to look for in the future. I guess I should at least recognize that I was aware of it and did get out. It could be worse and I could still be lingering on.

I've always been a good judge of character but these types of people with personality disorders can fool even the most keen of observers. It's that charm in the beginning that still invades my memory like a parasite.

I know exactly where you are coming from... And for me, there was bit of the 'damsel in distress' played in there... Turned out she was not in distress at all, really... Pushed buttons both good and bad... She read me like a book, then changed all the words around... What I dont get is the same thing you are struggling with - why cant we just get over these people? I mean, I have never been so PATHETIC over anyone like I have been over her... UGH! Why is it we somehow latch on the one person who absolutely tears our hearts, trust, emotions, etc to shreds, and we WANT to let go, yet we dont let go! LOL, maybe we are our own personality disorder.... yeesh....

John I too have just broken up w a narcissist I dated for 3 yrs. She has devistated me emotionally, financially and physically. It has been only 3 weeks and I know your situation. I am a college grad from NY with quite a bit of street smarts and still want to go back for more. It is the person that reeled you in that you think of (maybe the first 2-3 weeks). This is NOT that person. I fell in love with this woman ( even worse) and was used and abused for a long time. The only advice I can say is that you MUST NEVER contact or be contacted by her again. The temptation is great( I Know) but if you doit all starts over again. I dont know if you love this lady. If you do it is very dificult. By the way I am in Boulder, CO. I hope you and I never meet another like them. I never knew they existed to that extent. Here is a list of their traits I composed.I bet she has them all self-centered, pathological lying, no remorse, unreliable, no conscience, good front to impress, easy to anger when confronted, projects her faults to others, never listens to yourlife stories, manipulates, no real values (only situational), doesnt share ideas- feelings- emotions, moody, no appreciation, uses sex to control, often perceives to care and understand (only for self gain), stays until something better comes along, doesnt listen/doesnt care., they ALWAYS want something. I have others too. I bet you felt miserable after being with her at the end. Because we have values, ideals and morals (unlike narcissists) we try to fix them. John YOU CAN NOT FIX THEM. You are an OBJECT to them . to use until your use is no longer needed. I know how you feel. I struggle every day not to pick up the phone. Contact me if you like.

Yep. That sounds exactly like my "ex". What's sad is that she actually recognizes that she has a problem, but apparently doesn't feel the need to change. Why should she? She gets everything she wants.

Just wanted add to this thread that i felt very identified with my ex Bf's behavior and your post John303, Like letfhangingagain' post said before:

"You are an OBJECT to them . to use until your use is no longer needed."

Its kinda sad to feel in this way but.. its useless try to make any kind of contact with them.. besides im still dont know why its so freakin' harder just let go someone who treates you in that way?? (venting)

Im trying to do it.. but stills feel bad many days.. (sigh)

Hi, I am just getting out of a relationship with a NPD. My therapist said that is what he is.... and i think it is soo hard to let go because admitting that they had no feelings for us is too close to saying that our own feelings could not have been true either..... so our reality is shattered...because we really did have feelings!!! Does that make any sense?