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"Considering my age, I think it's justified."


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So yeah, during my last conversation with my ex, she told me that she was "commitment-phobic", and "Considering my age, I think it's justified." Now, I can understand that, given her age, she doesn't know what she wants yet and commitment can be a little scary. Considering that she almost immediately started dating as soon as we broke up, and that it sounds like she's having some problems becoming emotionally close to the guys she's been seeing ...what does that mean?

 

I mean, we all know that people do stupid things when we're young, and, at the time they're done, we all thought they were the best decision. It wasn't until we were a few years older and more mature that we might regret some of the things we did. I've never heard someone use their age as a defense though, almost like she thinks she doesn't need to feel responsible for anything wrong she might do "because of her age".

 

Input? Especially from the ladies?

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Howso strange?

 

And I think she's having some problems right now becoming emotionally close to the guy she's been dating. At least, last time I checked, which was a week ago ( I will never know for sure, as I have no intention of ever checking her livejournal again ).

 

I guess I outta remind everyone here that she is eighteen.

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It's an excuse. She's an adult, and if she chooses to have relationships, then she's responsible for them, including the way they end.

 

Commitment-phobe is the excuse used when someone is too weak to admit to their real reason, which in this case sounds like an attraction for another guy. I don't agree that she never cared for you; I'm sure she did, but she's chosen to move on, and she should be prepared to accept responsibility for that, not make some poor age-based excuse.

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Yeah, attraction to a twenty-four year old player, who still lives in the dorms and flirts with eighteen-year-old girls who have boyfriends. I knew he had a part to play in it all. I know, in the end, she is the one who ended it.

 

She got pretty defensive and angry when I accused her of dumping me for him, saying "He's actually kind of a jerk when it comes to relationships, so I wouldn't date/screw him anyways." From that final time I read her livejournal, it sounds like SOMEthing did happen, and perhaps it finally dawned on her the kind of guy he really was.

 

I've accepted it, and honestly ...I've moved on in some ways. Not fully, or else I wouldn't even be talking about this any more, of course.

 

God, you should see her livejournal. In her own words, she "Just want to fall completely in love." And so forth. I don't want to wish any unkind things on her, but that girl *really* needs to get her heart broken, at least once.

 

In a sick way, sometimes a broken heart is a good thing because we learn and grow so much afterwards.

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No.. Bigbilly.. don't wish that on anyone else. Its unkind. She will most likely have her heart-broken sooner or later. But don't wish it on her.

I know how you feel. Been there. And I've been in her shoe's too.

 

Was the dumper. I was 18 and he was ???? something like 25-26.....

He was a charmer, he was cute, he made me laugh, we had a good time together.

 

What didn't work was... I was VERY sure of where I wanted to go with my life. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted so much for my future. I thought in terms of a "future", a career... of having that house with the white picket fence and the 2.2 children. The American Dream. HE on the other hand... hadn't a CLUE as to what he wanted to be when he grew up. He knew he wasn't going to go to college. He didn't know what he wanted. All he knew was that he wanted to have a good time. He had a machine shop job, lived with his parents, paid on FRIDAY and broke on MONDAY.

 

And after seeing him for...ohhh about a year. I had to dump him. Our paths were not leading us in the same direction. He wasn't for me. And I know that I broke his heart. I really really broke his heart.

 

Did I want LOVE and to fall in LOVE.. yeah.. sure I did. But I also wanted the rest of it.

 

So don't judge to harshly. Dating is the time to figure these things out. Its like a trial run to see if you have common goals, interests, and directions in life. I sure as heck didn't want to commit myself to anyone at the time... I was serious.. I wanted to go to school.. and do something with my life.

 

Don't be to harsh.

 

The best revenge... is living well.

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What didn't work was... I was VERY sure of where I wanted to go with my life. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted so much for my future. I thought in terms of a "future", a career... of having that house with the white picket fence and the 2.2 children. The American Dream. HE on the other hand... hadn't a CLUE as to what he wanted to be when he grew up. He knew he wasn't going to go to college. He didn't know what he wanted. All he knew was that he wanted to have a good time. He had a machine shop job, lived with his parents, paid on FRIDAY and broke on MONDAY.

 

Why do I have the feeling BigBilly is the exact opposite of this. I'm sure he and his ex got along well. In fact, I'd be willing to be he treated her as if she was priceless, because to him, I'm sure she was.

 

The answer is quite simple, frankly; she's just too damn young to appreciate a good relationship. See, young women, they just don't know how to differentiate between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. They won't until they get used, abused, lied to, cheated on. And why's that? Ever seen Sex in the City?

 

Now as for you BigBilly; I suggest you stop these topics. These analyzations aren't going to get you anywhere except either A) really angry, and then really sad or B) really sad. Be a man, find your balls, and walk away. Given the choice under logical circumstances, I'm sure you'd choose to ride away as the knight in shining armor rather than slink away as a feeble shadow of your former self. I do, however, recommend you stay on eNotAlone and read others' problems, and perhaps help them. If you look at my posts, you will find that I do not talk much about my story after a point, and why is that? It's a moot point. She's gone. It's best to let it sink in quickly.

 

Now, what kind of person are you? Strong willed? Do you possess self-control? Because my friend, what fate is asking you to do is give up what you cherish most, and that is what you must do. I will GUARANTEE you though, you will get your rewards in the end. Trust me on that.

 

It's been 3 months since my heartbreak has hit, and although I am still dealing with the aftermath (finding my own emotions especially, learning to love again) I no longer feel the pain, injustice, cruelty that was once wrought on me by the *one* person I thought would never do such a thing.

 

Such is life; that is how we learn to grow into who we will be.

 

- Fivek 8)

 

P.S. -

No.. Bigbilly.. don't wish that on anyone else. Its unkind. She will most likely have her heart-broken sooner or later. But don't wish it on her.

 

At this point in time he is feeling angry. This is how men deal with their emotions, as we do not have the social circles females often have for venting their frustrations and feelings. It is perfectly acceptable for a male to name-call, curse, or even belittle their ex's, as long as they do it either privately or in the company of their close, close friends. 9 times out of 10 they do not truly mean it. Such is the way of the male mind; it is difficult for a male to let his guard down, and when it is down and has been hurt in such a fashion, it is often difficult to handle. Just a little input from the male perspective of heartbreak.

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Ahh ...you're absolutely right, as always. I wish I had been as clear-headed as you at nineteen.

 

I kick myself every time I post one of my "analyzations", but at the same time, I am usually glad I do, because the replys and the support I get are helpfull.

 

I feel stronger every day. And I know I will do fine. You're right, I did treat her well because she was priceless to me. I went to all ends to communicate every time our relationship had a problem, and I did everything I could to work things out. But, in the end, she (at her own admission) sabotaged the relationship. Well, she's eighteen and thinks she's got it all figured out. I know she's going to do some real learning here in the near future, as I've had to do now. It makes it easier to remember that, because I think when we get dumped we immediately put our ex's on a pedestal (they're so wonderful, they're having so much fun now, they're so happy now and it's not fair!) Bah ...

 

Thanks for the replies. I'm good now.

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Slam dunk all the way on your post Fivek. Bigbilly you stated before that you didn't want revenge or anything bad for your ex(basically sounded as though you're still in the sadness phase). Well, embrace your anger! I'm tellin you it feels so much better than that awful sadness. It WILL help you move on. I promise. And you will not hold on to that anger forever. It's only there to help you in the short-term. Like Fivek, I'm now going on 3 months since my break-up (of 2yr relationship) and I'm sure you all know the hell I went through. But now I'm starting to see the light. And I wouldn't be there if I wasn't angry at that young, immature, ungrateful b*tch. She will get hers. They always do. Trust me. And when they do they always come crawling back. IT'S HAPPENING TO ME NOW IN FACT! 5 years ago same situation. Fell in love with a girl, she was too young and broke my heart. Time passes, she gets hurt real bad (over and over), realizes how good I was to her and now she's trying to get me back. She's even told me that not one guy has compared to me over 5 YEARS!!! Now I was so angry at this girl too, but I let it go long ago and we're starting to become great friends again. Women don't realize that 90% of all guys out there are complete shmucks. So few young women have the maturity or foresight to accept something so great that's right in front of them. It's like they happen to see a diamond sittin at the top of a pile of garbage and after a while they decide to chuck the gem to see what else might be in the filth. And don't over-analyze BigBilly. Do what you gotta do. Go out, have fun, have lots of sex (if you want to), and kick this girl to the curb. There are plenty of other women out there who have gone thru all the crap and will truly appreciate you when they find you. And it's true, walking away from somone you love so much will make you so much stronger.

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I went through the anger stage a few weeks ago. I don't do it any more because all I can see it doing for me is getting me worked up when I'd rather just let the emotions settle and stay where they are. I can't wish bad things on her because then, if I ever find out things are great, I'd be pretty disappointed, right?

 

I'm sure she'll do fine. I know she's got some lessons in store for her, and she'll mature some day. I never sampled the dormitory dating game, but I've heard stories. She's trying to find some storybook love so soon after dumping me, and it's gonna be a while before she realizes that the idea of love that she has doesn't exist. Relationships, in the real world, take love, but also unending work.

 

I did everything I could to make it work. I compromised, listened, spoke honestly, showed no end of patience, and did everything I could to make her happy. In the end, she decided it wasn't enough, and she's gonna have to live with that. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Her loss.

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You guys are going through almost the exact same thing as me. My ex broke it off with me out of nowhere after 1 1/2 years together. I got the usual BS lines too, "I love you as a friend, It's not you it's me, I'm happier without you, I've moved on, blah, blah, blah." Turns out she was most likely breaking it off with me to go on to another guy but didn't even tell me the truth. My whole story is in under the thread "Having trouble moving on" in the forum "Healing After Break Up or Divorce." Only difference is that we're only 6 mos. apart in age (I'm 24 she's 23). Now, she's had previous relationships, but this was my first serious one so I'd figured she'd be more sure of what she wanted. Bzzzzt. Wrong.

 

She's already moved on to the next guy without even realizing how good I was to her. Now I'm not saying I was perfect or that we didn't have our problems, but who doesn't? Its just like you guys said too, she won't recognize what she had until she gets hers and when she does guess who she'll try to come back to? I've basically gotten over it now. I had the sadness, the anger kicked in, I still think about it, but it doesn't hurt as much and I'm just letting go. Plenty of other viable women out there who KNOW what they want. Hang in there bigbilly, no contact is there for a reason. You'll eventually feel better even if you don't right now, you will.

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I can't wish bad things on her because then, if I ever find out things are great, I'd be pretty disappointed, right?

 

It's not about necessarily WISHING bad things on her, it's just knowing that her time will come as well. And who gives a damn if things are great for her. It probably will be, and it usually is for most dumpers... at first. But after some time she'll realize. Don't worry about how she is doing or if/when she realizes things. Just know that she is young and she does have a lot to learn. And it will be painful, just as it is for you right now.

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It's not about necessarily WISHING bad things on her, it's just knowing that her time will come as well. And who gives a damn if things are great for her. It probably will be, and it usually is for most dumpers... at first. But after some time she'll realize. Don't worry about how she is doing or if/when she realizes things. Just know that she is young and she does have a lot to learn. And it will be painful, just as it is for you right now.

 

moondog's absolutely right on this one. She'll think her life is peachy keen, then WHAM. Let her find out on her own how many of her "new friends" are actually friends when the **** hits the fan.

 

More men need to realize that anger is a naturally occurring defensive mode. It is perfectly acceptable to be angry at the "young, immature, ungrateful b*tch," because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS! (I speak for my ex as well). In fact, its part of our gender's instincts. Embrace it!

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Moondog's reply above is RIGHT ON THE MONEY. Stop blaming yourself and feeling sorry for her when she's abusing you and start seeing her for who she truly is. Once you can do that, you won't like what you see...you'll be angry for a while, but after that, whether she "gets hers" or not won't even matter to you. You'll be done with her...totally indifferent.

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Well, you guys have given me a lot to think about.

 

I was pretty angry at her for a while, but like I said, after a while I decided that the only thing it did was get me all worked up to no real end, so I stopped.

 

I feel more and more distanced from her every day, which is a good thing. Fivek is right ...that girl I love has disappeared forever and changed into someone else who's, honestly, a little conceited. She was pretty sure of herself when she dumped me, saying she didn't need to "settle" and that "it's what was best for me (her)." All I could think was "Wow, way to thank me for two years of love, patience, and devotion, you little s---." \

 

She says that she'll "always remember the good times." I will try myself, but right now ...you know when a really bad ending can just ruin an entire movie? Yeah ...

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A LITTLE CONCEITED?! That's the understatement of the year! You are going to laugh so hard in a few years when you hear (through the grapevine accidentally) that she's eating crow for her words. You'll even talk to your adoring girlfriend about it, too, that way both of you can have a good laugh as your new girlfriend remembers *how priceless you are.*

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Well, she and I exist on two completely different grapevines, so I doubt that. We really have no common friends or connections.

 

Everything you guys say is true, I know it. I don't know why I feel like I need to be so understanding of it all, but I guess maybe if I understand things better I can learn more from stuff like this. I guess I just feel like getting angry is just gonna give her more of this attention of mine. I won't do it, because I doubt she's thinking about me anymore.

 

I've accepted it. I know I am never gonna hear from her again, and that's a good thing. I really, really doubt she is gonna try to "crawl back", because she was never one to admit when she'd made a mistake. I know she's gonna get hers, as I've gotten mine for dating her in the first place.

 

People keep warning me she's going to try to get back in touch, but I can't see why. She's moved on, I think she's dating someone else, or was, or was having issues of emotional closeness ... and I don't think she feels all that guilty for what she did.

 

BTW: I've heard the phrase "eating crow" before, but what exactly does it mean? I've only ever heard it in context.

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Just wanted to throw in my two cents here.

 

"Considering my age, I think it's justified." That's probably the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. The only thing that's justified in this situation is you turning your back on this classless person and never looking back.

 

Will she come back to you? Anything is possible. I think the important thing here is for you to be prepared for anything. If she doesn't come back, you want to deal with the loss (really it isn't much considering the type of person she is) and move on. If she does come back, you want to be able to evaluate the situation carefully and decide what you are going to do. I will say this much: If this woman does come back to you, it better be crawling on her bare knees a few hundred miles.

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Stop doubting yourself, BigBilly. I know that's easier said than done, but you did and are still doing the right thing. Let this girl go. As the person right now, she's not worth it. Nobody deserves to be told what she used as excuses.

 

Now let me tell you about anger; there is a difference between anger and rage. Rage is the expression of anger through immature means (e.g. lashing out, repressive remarks, all that stuff). Anger (that is, the way men should utilize it) is more like cold fury. You have your guard up, you're not going to take any crap from anyone (ESPECIALLY her), and you're not willing to play second fiddle to anyone. I'm sure you can think of examples when I mean "cold fury." It is by far the BEST, most MATURE, way to express your anger.

 

She WILL attempt to contact you, regardless of her new life. She's a woman; she won't forget the time she spent with you, even if she does think "it wasn't a big deal." Women have NO Idea what they want, and she wants to keep you still tied up while she makes her decision! Refer to above cold fury.

 

Eating crow means she'll be forced to eat her words that she's saying right now (referring to how she "settled for you." Think about that. Do you REALLY believe it? NO!) I think a lot of males in these situations forget for a second that THEY'RE MEN! She does not deserve to see your sensitive side anymore! How many of you guys are sensitive to girls that you are NOT attracted to? Think about that! MEN tend to reserve that special side of them for their SIGNIFICANT OTHERS and no one else!

 

Although I do love these forums and appreciate the help people give, sometimes I think gender appropriate responses work the best. It's hard to follow a female's advice telling me to release all those emotions and tears and to talk to all your friends about it. How many of you guys talk to your friends about your emotional problems? I might once or twice, but then I drop the subject. Everyone says men and women are different, and I think that should apply to the way advice is given as well. I don't know about you guys, but I just internalize that pain and redirect it for useful purposes. Now that the devastation pain is gone, I feel a thousand times stronger than before. Then again, maybe that's just me.

 

- Fivek

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Well, you helped me understand that I've got every right to be pissed off at her, I can see that now. I didn't deserve to get dumped like that ...and get fed some immature BS diatribe as a thanks for two years of my love and patience.

 

The fact that I had to go to her livejournal to get any sort of reason, even a bogus one ... I guess I held all this anger in because, deep down, I wanted her back. Well, if she approaches me again and can't face what are very legitimate reasons to be angry ...then, the Hell with her anyways. Thanks for the advice, everyone.

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Just wanted to give you guys a good laugh:

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a

sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord

said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will

grant you one wish."

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I

want."

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach

the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do

it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a

little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would

honor and glorify me."

 

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I

wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,what

they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what

they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

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Too right there.

 

Man, it's tough. She was everything I wanted in a woman ...well, minus the conceit and immaturity. But, it's not up to me, so now I gotta go see what else is out there. I've got this date on friday with another girl ...she's gorgeous, but we don't have a whole lot in common, it seems.

 

Oh well, we'll see what happens.

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