Overprotective Boyfriend

Hey guys just wonder whether you think this is normal. My boyfriend (of 3yrs) is very overprotective- he always has to know what i'm doing an who im with 24/7. There's never a moment he doesnt know what i'm doing. he goes mad if i speak to any boys (my friends) on the internet and always asks what we're talking about. I have to paste the conversations to him. Going out with my friends is a nightmare because he's calling my phone all night asking what i'm up to. He absolutely hates me going out to bars or clubs as he always assumes guys will hit on me. I feel in a way i'm losing my friends because i cant enjoy a night out without heaps of questions so i often dont go!! Is this normal? I mean when he goes out with his friends I couldnt care less who he's with and totally trust him with other girls. He tells me its because he cares so much about me and he only wants me to be safe- he says i should be glad he's worried about me as alot of boyfriends dont care. Ive tried telling him to chill out- that i love him and I wont cheat on him but he doesnt think what he's doing is wrong.

What should I do? any advice anyone?

No this is not normal. It's very controlling and in many cases controlling relationships lead some sort of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or verbal. IMO, he IS emotionally and mentally abusing you now. Honey, I am surprised you dealt with this jazz for three years. My advice, even though it's hard, dump him. He has insecurity issues. You are too young to put up with a relationship like this, you should be out with your friends, having fun, getting your education. Life moves very fast and don't wake up one day, wasting your young years over a jerk like that. Take very good care of yourself and wishing you the best.

A typical knee jerk reaction like “dump him” is a little short sighted in my opinion. People make mistakes in relationships and these mistakes can sometimes be rectified especially if both parties love each other and are willing to try.

You tell him you love him, so perhaps you are not ready to end it without trying to sort things out first? You do need to take action now though, the longer you leave this situation unresolved the worse it is likely to get. You need to sit him down and tell him straight that you love him but he is suffocating you and you need more balance in the relationship for it to continue. Tell him you appreciate that he cares for you but that you also need your own personal space. If he is willing to listen and if he realises that he is going to lose you if he carries on with this behaviour, and if he is willing to change then maybe your relationship can be saved.

…Just glanced over some of your other posts…reading between the lines I can see this guy is loosing you fast, Please let him down gently! He may not mean to act controlling, it may be that he already senses that he’s losing you, sometimes people can act out of character when they are trying too hard to hang on to something.

OMG your boyf does that too? my boyfs exactly the same but i dont look at it as overprotective i look at it as hes the only boy i need i dont need anyone else...i dont go out with my m8s at all never ever now my routine is if i need to go shopping i go with my mum or family with his permission and if i want to do something i do it with him..the fact is he knows every little thing im up to so he can never ever accuse me of cheating and i like it that way..im not allowed to talk to boys and hes not allowed to talk to girls and i have to say our relationship is so strong cause we'd do and give up anything for eachother.

But i understand the whole you might cheat on me when you wont ever because you love them to much.. i have a problem cause my boyfs a bit of a stud and so many girls come up to him and says hes a idiot for going out wit me and that i dont know how lucky i am and the fact is i know how lucky i am and i know that my love is so strong!

I'm sorry, I stand by what I said before to dump him. Being controlling is being very abusive. No one needs that crap in their life. I wrote I know it's not easy. There is nothing that is going to change him, so "relationship talks" is not going to make a difference. He has insecruity issues and that's something he has to help himself with and no one else. I see this happen all the time and it never gets better, it only gets worse. Princess, I truly hope things get better for you and take care.

im sorry i disagree jus because hes 'controllin' doesnt mean he might turn abusive..i gave in2 my boyf what he wanted i gave 2 him and im so happy and all my m8s see that too.

I am glad things worked for you believe me LilR but from what Princess wrote, it sounds serious to me and it is abusive. Why does she have to give in to what HE wants, what about what SHE wants, and apparently she is not "allowed" to do what she wants because he is "worried" about her. Losing friends, alienating her from her friends, family, and interests (i.e. going to the club) and having to cut and paste conversations because he doesn't trust her is NOT COOL. What if things don't work out between them, what does she have to fall back on...nothing. I have friends who went through the same exact thing and it got ugly. I suppose Princess you can try to talk to your man about his behavior but I'd be careful. Be well. Peace.

I agree with Kellbell that this behaviour is very likely to escalate into abusive behaviour, and controlling is actually a form of abuse, they break the person down so much that they are too exhausted to see other friends, as they know there will be 80 phone calls and questions, so they just choose to stop seeing friends and become more dependant on the bf for everything.

Princess, I am very concerned for you. This is NOT normal behaviour at all. I would suggest that you decide if this relationship is worth it to you to try saving. Talk to your bf, tell him that you love him, but that this insecurity and controlling behaviour has to stop or you are going to leave him. Find out why he doesn't trust you, have you given him reason not to?

If not, then he needs to learn. When you go out with friends turn off your phone. Tell him your AIM convos are private and he is not allowed to see everything you do. Tell him that you love and trust him, and if he cannot return the courtesy than there is no grounds for a healthy relationship.

If he refuses to work on this with you than I also think you should leave him. A healthy relationship requires trust in each other, it is essential for the relationship to surivive. Respect is also necessary, and he isn't giving that to you as he's invading your privacy and checking up on everything you do. He is not your parent, but your bf. If he can't back off and learn to trust and respect you, give him the boot.

Thank you Hope for agreeing with me. I was beginning to think I was off my rocker on this one and maybe being a little to harsh. I know sometimes my posts can come off as a little harsh but I guess I get fed up with people taking advantage of others and abusive relationships hit a personal cord with me. I have been through an extremely emotional and verbal abusive relationship and 2 of my close friends did too. It's alwful, I don't want others to go what I went through or what my girlfriends went through either. If I can reach one person, then I have been successful. Be well everyone and take care of yourselves.

I agree that the type of behaviour Princess’s boyfriend is showing is not healthy and is usually the kiss of death to any relationship...Trust is the foundation, If there is no trust there is no respect, if there is no respect then ultimately there can be no love.

However I would not presume to advise the termination of any relationship based on a few lines of text. This is Princess’s choice alone and only she knows the full story. After all 3 years is a significant amount of time, long enough for deep feelings to develop and perhaps there are enough good things in the relationship to at least ask the question 'is this worth trying to save?' Who knows? in any case that is for Princess to decide.

I guess I am just more in favour of a balanced objective approach to giving advice, without generalisations or stereotypical responses based solely on personal negative experiences…After all every relationship and every situation is different.

Of course it's ultiamtely up to her and what she wants to do. But she came here and asked for advice about her situation. Everyone here has the option to take it or leave it but it is not going to stop me from writing what I would do, especially when I have first-hand experiece of the situation. I wrote I know it will not be easy, and to talk to him about her feelings, and to be careful. I am not going to get into this anymore. Princess, I really hope things will be ok with you and your man, but if not, we are here for you if you ever want to talk. Peace.

Thanks so much for your opinions everyone!!

I dont think he'd ever get abusive- i think it all stems from the fact that im a year older than him and he's very insecure about me meeting someone "better" than him.

I am going to sit him down and tell him that unless he gives me a bit of space then im going to have to end things with him (not that i would because i love him) but just to make him aware how im feeling.

It gets me down because I have very good friends at work both male and female- id love to go out with them more often but i know he'd hate it because he doesnt know them!!

THANKS AGAIN its not often you see things in the dark until someone else shines a light on it for you

This is definetely not normal. I think that maybe there are some trust issues going down and that is why he is so overprotective. He can't trust you, how is your relationship supposed to work and last? I'm happy to hear that you have a plan of action and I hope everything works out!

Good for you Princess, I hope eveything goes well for you and that your man can understand. Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Ah, yes, he wants to see you safe. I hear that too. My bf says he trusts me, he just doesn't trust anyone he hasn't met. I say, I'm an adult, and it's up to me to decide who to trust and who not to trust!

Princess,

let us know how it goes, and please remember that this is more than just insecurity, he's very controlling and that is unsafe and dangerous. You are an adult, capable of making your own choices and trusting your own judgement. He is NOT your parent or guardian, he has NO right to tell you whom you may hang out with and NO right to know where you are at all times!

I hope he agrees to back off and let you breathe, and if not, I pray you have enough common sense to recognize this for what it is and to send him packing. True love is NEVER about control, but about TRUST and RESPECT and COMPROMISE.... none of which he is showing you.

Best of luck, and keep us updated!

You cannot have a serious discussion about love with a 16 year old. They are too young to comprehend loves mixture of experience and diversity.

She is 19, and I am not going to undermine her intelligence. At 19 I knew that a situation like this was wrong and dangerous. I suspect she does too.

if you think thats bad. get this, ive been with my boyfriend for a year and 7 months now, and he wants me to wear sweats, and long tee's to cover my butt all the time. i am not allowed to talk to anyone.. AT ALL at school or at work, unless i really need to, and if i do i have to inform him about it first, he breaks up with me, an average of ...... 4 times a day. calls me a hoe, * * * * *, * * * * *, * * * * *, trick an average of 30-50 times a day, hangs up on me... maybe ... 10 times on a good day, and 40-50 on a bad day. sometimes more. i cannot have my hair down unless im with him. no one is allowed in my room EXCEPT him. and if anyone comes in, like my mom or aunt, he gets extremely mad and breaks up with me again. he checks my phone everyday. he stays on the phone no matter where i go, unless he is with me then its okay. it gets to the point where i am screaming my lungs out at him. and crying. hitting him and throwing stuff at him. its just, i adjusted my life so much to fit everything he brought in, that, if i were to ever leave him, nothing would be right. my "life" wouldnt be life anymore. thats why i cant just leave him. so get out while you`re ahead and he hasnt turned into a total monster yet. becuz my bf is totally bipolar, crazy psycho, diabolic and anything else you can come up with. leave while you still can. RUN FOR IT !

It's not because he cares - it's because he's insecure - and the question is, why are you so passive and allow him to control you in this way?

Its human nature man...

If you let ur bf control you and have his ways all the time...ure not helping him. Youre making him addicted to control and it will just increase his status of power over you..I can be overprotective sometimes too but to a certain extent because I care for my gf and I dont want someone else to be the special guy for her(which is unlikely to..)

A gf is not a pet to the bf. If you let him control everything, he MIGHT abuse you be it emotionally or physically. So at least have some respect for urself since ure doing nothing wrong. It is okay to be angry at him and ask him to snap out of this paranoia to avoid lies and cheating.(resorted often due to too much control and trust problems)

Maybe he ald trusts you...just that he needs to trust his choice more!

this is very controlling... Its way past the normal line of just wanting to protect you, and make sure that you have some normal boundaries in your relationship. Hes way out in left field... id leave him.

The bar/club thing I can sympathize with. I don't think my gf has much business in places like that either (doesn't mean she "can't go though, I just don't have to be thrilled about it). The rest of the stuff though is just way excessive. He needs to chill out. That's no way to go through life, for her or for him. It doesn't make you a bad person or unreasonable to have some insecurities about certain things, but this guy just seems insane to me. Hopefully he can be reasoned with, and maybe some therapy wouldn't be a bad idea. If he can't at least make some compromises to try and make things work, then I wouldn't count on much of a future with him.

hey. i got a similar problem, mines not as bad im only 16.

i recently started dating this guy and we been going out for 6months now.

when we first started going out, my last boyfriend was so bad it was refreshing to have someone who cared and was so protective and though i was the world.

now im getting really annoyed, i lost my best friend because i never spent any time with her or anything and he gets reallly angry and say he loves me so much blah blah blah and i just want to have fun but hes so dam protective. i never talk to my guy friends because he'll say things like' oh ok go be with them you seem to love them more then me' and stuff like that. also i had to end my friend ship with my ex because he was jealous, i NEVER see my friend because he plays guilt mind games with me saying that i dont love him and i dont care ect. ive spoken to him about it and he says he will change but he never does. also, when we fight it can get quite heated and he hasnt directly 'hit' me but hes pushed me and he'll grab my wrists and sweeze really hard. when he realises hes hurt me he stops but its like he gets into blind rages.

i love him, i do and thats just the bad things about him but at the moment they seem to be over shadowing all his great personality features and i dont know what to do. ahhh i really need some sort of advise.

=(

thanks

Well I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half years now.. and I am 17 years old. After about 6 months of our relationship, he started telling me he didn't like me wearing low cut tops. The tops I wore wern't really low cut, but he didn't like them, especially a particular v-neck black one that he originally told me to buy as he thought it would look nice on me. I told him I wasn't particularly happy with it, but for him, I would stop wearing low cut tops as it was something that was getting to him. I also told him that that was as far as it went. Between then and now, he told me he wasn't happy with me being alone with other boys that wern't him (which only ever happened when I was at college occasionally or out with my best male friend). I really wasn't happy about this but put up with it for a little while. It wasn't long before I was feeling really low about it all and I confronted him. I realised that I was doing all these things for him because I loved him, but he wasn't doing anything for me in return. I told him this and said that if he truly loved me, he would try to come to terms with the fact that I still need to be able to do the things I need to do. We made a compromise that I could hang around with my boy mates but not 24/7. That pleased me and pleased him. I think that when you are in a relationship with someone who is very protective of you, compromises are the only way it will work. You have to meet in the middle so you are both happy. All I will say is, that I very nearly gave in to him, and I know that if I had, I would now be saying "OK" to everything he wanted to change about me.

Another issue we had was when I wanted to go and see my favourite band play in central London. I spent months persuading my parents to let me go and they finally said yes and I arranged to go with two of my good friends. He wasn't too pleased about it as it meant I would be in London late at night (I don't live near there) and I would have to get the train back just me and my friends but he accepted it because he knew how much I wanted to see them. Then the night before the concert, he had been speaking to his parents about how he was worried about me going, and they came up with the idea that it was selfish of me to go. This is because my boyfriend had an exam a few days after the concert and he has trouble sleeping. If I went to the concert, he would stay up until I let him know I was safe at home and this would have interuppted his sleeping pattern and thereforeee could affect his exam. He told me this and said that whether I went or not would "test the serious-ness of our relationship". I told him I wouldn't go and put the phone down on him. I didn't go to that concert in the end because I didn't want there to be even a tiny chance his exam would be affected. I told him that the fact he said it the way he did ("...testing the serious-ness of our relationship") was emotional blackmail and I almost dumped him. I told my parents that I didn't feel like going anymore as I was worried about the train.. they didn't really believe me as I was so desperate to go but there wasn't much they could say. There has been many more occasions like this that have occurred, but we are still seeing each other now. My advice is, if they really mean something to you, stick at it but never, ever let them control everything you do. As soon as you let them control a few things.. it's like the domino effect. I managed to stop mine just in the nick of time, hope you can too. Feel free to ask any questions if you want to.. I'm so glad to get that off my chest as I have never told anyone. If anyone else has similar problems to this I would love to talk to them about it.. xx