"taking a break" - I don't think I can handle it

Hello there,

It isn't easy for me to share this with anyone really but I need help because I am afraid and hurt and just need someone's opinion on this other than my friends or family.

I met this girl in San Francisco, while being a German exchange student 2002/2003, and we completely fell in love. Even though I was only 18 and she was 16 we felt that we were made for each other and we decided to live in a long distance relationship until we could live together which we thought would be three years later. Inspite of our age we have been keeping it up for almost two and a half years. We saw each other 2-3 times a year, spending all the money we had on plane tickets. We never doubted that we could make it, we were even talking about engagement and both felt surprisingly comfortable with all the comittment to each other. We never cheated on each other during this time, not even a kiss, knowing that we are both very sensitive human beings who couldn't deal with the emotional pressure of an "open relationship" and never had the desire anyway. Whenever we saw each other it was like heaven. I am making plans to move to California next summer to attend the same college she is attending and I am already in the process of applying. We are also looking for plane tickets to see each other over Christmas again. I think she always suffered a little more from being apart, really craving the physical closeness.

Today, she all of the sudden suggested to "take a break" from our relationship for 1-2 months. She wants to not talk to me on the phone as often anymore, have more freedom, enough space to think about us and she wants to feel free to kiss another guy if she wants to. She assured me that she loved me and that she still wanted to come over here over Christmas.

For me though, this feels terrible and devastating. I love to talk to her on the phone, it gives me energy and helps me deal with the situation. I also had to summon up a lot of courage to decide to study in the USA and did a lot of work for it already and now, everything is put into jeopardy all of the sudden. The thing that bothers me the most though is the idea of her making out with someone else. I am probably as jealous as any other guy would be but I am also extremely sensitive and would just feel terribly hurt even if she told me in advance that it might happen. It is as if our perfect relationship got damaged. I never doubted this relationship but obviously she isn't so sure about it or needs to get more confident in it again. I feel miserable because it seems as if I love her more than she loves me. I tried to convince here that it would suck for me to always wonder wether she had been making out with someone else or not but she didn't want to make any promises. To me, a kiss is something very intimate, almost as much as sex so that it feels like cheating to me. I'm twenty years and for three years now I never had the need to "try someone else". What if she tells me after the 1-2 months that it was over? Or if she doesn't how am I gonna get over my feelings when she admits that she kissed someone else - it might affect the two weeks together over Christmas in a negative way and then in the next 6 months until the summer we will both remember a crappy Christmas. I am so in love with her, she can hurt me so easily and so deeply...

Please help me,

Axel

Real friends tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry to say but your relationship is not gonna work. Both of you are way too young, and the stage of life from 16 to 20, people change alot alot alot.

Both of you are young, and there is also the problem of financial.

But, wish you luck though, if ya'll do make it, it will end up a very very good relationship.

I can understand why you are confused though, the past three years has been tough, and both of you have past alot of obstacles and love test.

people changed, i'm sorry to hear.

I know how you feel. I have been in a long distance relationship for just under a year, with a girl who has also been my best friend for the last 10 years. About 5 months ago, she told me she couldn't handle the long distance relationship anymore, wanted to be friends, and broke things off. 1 week later she was seeing another guy. That lasted a week, and she got back together with me. It hurt me, but I tried to be understanding. Then after that everything seemed to be going good again. We saw eachother 3 weeks ago, and everything seemed fine. Then I get the same e-mail basically, she wanted to break things off, can't handle the distance, has been waiting for me for almost a year, and can't really deal with it anymore. This is one month before my contract is up, so I can move there. I had been applying for jobs when I got that e-mail. We sent a few more e-mails back and forth, and then 1 week ago, she said she didn't want a relationship with me, and maybe we could be friends if I moved there. That broke my heart. So I don't talk to her at all for a week, and then sent her an e-mail yesterday morning, saying I was sorry for how I acted, and that I would rather have her as a friend, than not have her in my life at all. She sends an e-mail back, saying she was sorry for how she acted, and that she misses me, and hopes we can work things out. I send her another one back, saying I was happy to hear from her, I accept her appology, hope she accepts mine, and that I am glad we can work things out. I also told her I had sent her a letter a few days earlier. So it looked like things were going to get better. But then this morning..I get a 1 line e-mail back saying Guess you had the wrong address. I really don't get it, not sure how to take that. We usualy talk through e-mail, but I told her I think we need to have a real time conversation, that I am still hurting, and hope she can find the time to talk to me. I was a real mess over the last week. I really love her, and want to work things out, but I'm afraid she is just going to hurt me again. Not sure if this really helps you, but at least you know you aren't the only one going through it.

Break for a months or two? That never works. You will be in a world of hurt the whole time. She's confused and needs time to figure out her emotions, so give her the time alone. It will help her decide.

Something doesn't sound right though. I think she might already be interested in another guy. Don't be surprised if you find this out. Cut contact and star talking to other girls. See what happens then.

Whatever you do, don't stay in this friends limbo zone. Nothing good will come out of it.

helo is right, someone doesn't just suddenly decide on a 1-2 month break out of the blue for no reason; she's almost certainly seen someone else that she's attracted to I'm afraid, hard as that is to accept. Ask her about it, and make sure she's honest with you. And if there is another guy involved, she really has to make a choice; you can't take time out of a relationship to mess around with someone else, and expect to be able to come back afterwards as though nothing's happened.

No, I really don't think she is attracted to someone else already.

I've put some pressure on her lately, trying to convince here to go to college where I live and learning my language which she still hasn't tried to do even though we are dating for almost three years now. She was very busy with school, taking a lot of AP classes and stuff so I wasn't upset or anything.

She told me that it almost feels like as if we were engaged already. She said she wanted to know for sure if she wanted to do all these things and she wanted to find out how much she would miss me when "taking a break". Also, her parents had a back and forth relationship when they were younger and now they are happily married to each other so maybe she thinks she could achieve the same effect. They have a lot of control over her so they might have supported that idea.

You're right, Axel, it doesn't have to mean she's attracted to someone else. I was in a ldr for quite some time, and I did exactly the same thing: I asked my bf to 'take a break' from our relationship. And I was not attracted to anyone else - I just needed to take a deep breath and blow away the cobwebs.

There's one danger about this 'taking a break', and I guess you already know it: In a ldr, there's always the danger that the distance gets to both of you. Suddenly, you get this feeling the other one is 'unreal' or have those brief moments when you see him or her as a stranger. And once these spooky moments of alienation happen, you know it's time to get closer to each other again, or one of you might let go.

Give her a break, but don't let this happen. Talk to her about this. I am one of those who believe ldrs CAN work out. Even if mine eventually didn't. I wish the two of you all the best.

Zimetra

Hi

When in LDR, how to give them a break without having the effect of breaking up? Is there anything we have to do in between?

Thanks.

everyone has a point here

i think it can be these two things - she got scared, - she is interested in someone else.

I am myself in an LDR and we had really bad break downs, they werent initiated by me though... its true that being in a LDR (so far away, i also see my bf same amount of time a year) you forget what it feels like to be with them.

Also it sounds like she isnt sure because you are actually applying to study there and going to move to her country. I know the feeling, when things are actually happening you start questioning yourself if you are really in that love to go through that much, but when things go bad and the other person turns your back on you you start chasing them feeling all the love.

Anyway, my advice is not to be clingy now, make sure she knows how you feel about her (which she probably does already) and act cool, like a man, if you are clingy it will push her futher away. Have a quiet conversation with her, ask her why she feels the way she does and do give her time, there is nothing much else you can do.

Good luck to you and all the best

Hi

 

When in LDR, how to give them a break without having the effect of breaking up? Is there anything we have to do in between?

 

Thanks.

maybe just less contact? like dont talk on the phone cause you are on a break, dont chat online, but still send friendly and nice emails now and then to let them know how you are doing, if there is anything new and ask how they are (and its better to sound busy and happy in those emails)

good luck