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WHY AM I SO ANTI-SOCIAL?


septembermourning

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I just don't understand why I am the way I am. I have lots of friends and lots of people that want to hang out with me but I avoid most social situations! I instead spend my time home alone and I hate talking on the phone. I hardly ever answer when people call.

 

I have looked into social phobia and it is not that because I don't have this intense fear of social situations and I don't really have any of the symptoms they list. I just lose interest easily and I hate small talk. I always have to drag myself out and I hardly ever initiate get togethers myself. I guess I am lucky to have the persistent friends I have or I would never go out. I think part of the problem is that I feel like with some of my friends, I am under this unspoken obligation to entertain because I am a funny person by nature but I think this drains me. I think social situations in general drain me. I always want to drive separately even though one of my friends is my roommate, because the thought of being stuck in a social situation without the option of getting away is terrifying to me.

 

I used to use drinking as a way to deal with social situations but began to suspect I might have a problem with that so I gave it up a year and a half ago. Now it is even harder to deal with social situations, especially if everyone else is drinking.

 

The strange thing is that I wasn't always like this! Not when I was younger like in elementary school and high school. I talked on the phone all the time and I wanted to be around people! I think I noticed a change about 6 years ago... at least I recall that is when I stopped enjoying talking on the phone. I don't really know when this really anti-social stuff happened but it's been like this for at least 5 years now.

 

I just feel so alone in this. I don't know anyone else who is like this. I feel like I am probably missing out on a lot of things because of the way I am and I don't like it. What can I do???

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Actually your not alone.....

 

Im a bit better at the moment....but I a have had chunks (years) of time where I avoided most social contact and preferred to just be alone. No one would ever be able to get me on the phone because I ignored it alot and would only answer it if I felt like it. Like you I have many good friends and I am dam sure I have frustrated the hell out of them all by avoiding their calls and sometimes not getting back to them until days later. I am surprised I still have great friends...but I do. I also have a fun personality and I find alot of people warm to me....but I just dont want to be around them that much. I also cant stand small talk and pointless chit chat...Id rather read a good book than crap on to someone who im not even interested in talking to.

The last 3 months or so though Ive had a bit more of an appetite to get out and meet new people.....but I still spend alot of time on my own...and I dont know...it just doesnt bother me. I am not worried or scared or have any phobias.....except like you I dont really like the feeling of anyone expecting me to entertain them or expecting me to be on the phone all the time to them cause I just dont like it.

I wondered myself about my antisocial behaviour - but still dont know why Im like that....and like you I was never like this in my school yrs. Im not sure if its just a personality thing or an illness or what....BUT....your not alone is what I can tell you.

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You are definitely not alone. I feel the same way. After I got divorced I was the social butterfly. I went out and had a great time. Now I do not like going out except to the gym. I do not answer my phone----thank you caller ID. I just do not feel like talking. I guess I really don't feel like hearing about my friends trivial issues in life. They are soooo different from me. Our maturity levels do not seem to match up either. So things they think are important are really childs play. I do not even socialize with my family. Sometimes being alone in the tub with a good book is just the best thing for YOU. Your true friends will still be there for you after you get through this phase.

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am your mirror image. I hate having to say hello to people let alone make small talk. I honestly don't have anything to tell people and I don't want to know anything about them. In my early and mid twenties things were very different. I used to secretly love making an entrance whether it was a cookout, bar because I was excited to be going out. Somewhere this all changed about five years ago. I started to look down on people and feel sorry for them. I don't know why, I just do. I feel like people interact with each other because they feel it's the right thing to do, to keep loads of friends and contacts on hand. To be honest I don't want to be bothered with having phone calls to make, talking non sensical stuff, bothering to get in the car and drive to someone's house and go through the motions of knocking, sitting down and visiting, then the long drawn out exit it always seems to have just to go see a friend for a while.

 

I used to think it was agoraphobia to some extent but the definition of agoraphobia doesn't apply to me. I like to go places, just as long as I am by myself. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I just prefer to be alone and not have some schedule to follow. Oh, and what you said about driving, I won't go places as a passenger, at all....................I refuse to be trapped and at someone elses mercy. I want to be able to leave an uncomfortable situation without explaination if I need to. I don't feel this way about my famliy, I like being with them, it's just, well, everyone else I don't want to bother with.

 

Does this make sense? I'd like to hear more on what you think made you change....

 

A

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Oh my god, I thought I was the only one!!!

 

I am extremely intolerant of people, I just can't be bothered having stupid pointless conversations with people! I am very much a person who enjoys my own company and having time alone. The only people I can really stand to talk to are my husband, my three closest friends and family everyone else GO AWAY!

 

There is nothing wrong with not being a social butterfly, don't worry.

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I have the exact same problem as you do! The only difference is I never started drinking to become more sociable (my mom is an alcoholic so I only ever have a drink here and there.)

 

I totally wasnt like this in elementary school, or high school... its like College did this to me.

 

I HATE talking on the phone.. I never call my friends... Im so lucky that they know me, and so they always call me... but I have lost some friends due to this.... Actually, this just brings to my attention why high school best friend refuses to talk to me anymore.. she said I never call her and I told her she knows how I am... but no she doesnt cause I wasnt like this in highschool...

 

My fiance yells at me that I am so anti-social when we get together with his friends....

 

Frig, I only met my fiance because I went to a local outdoor concert with a guy friend, and he yelled at me to go talk to people.. so I saw my fiance (i didnt know him at the time) and he was drunk so I said hi and we hit it off from there...

 

I wish I could get over this too...

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I have been anti-social since I was a kid. I used to hide in the bathroom at parties. I would always want to sit by myself at the bus, looking outside the window instead of looking to make conversation. I went home and watched my favorite TV show instead of going to a cast party after a play in high school.

 

Now, I am the same. I hate bars and often find any excuse to go outside to get away or leave early. I don't answer the phone. I don't own a cell phone.

 

I don't know why I am like this, how I got this way. I can only say that I think I am afraid.

 

Sometimes I fear that I only care about myself. If I cared more about others, I would want to talk to them.

But the thing is, I DO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. I like to listen to them like a fly on the wall. And I really do care about them. I just don't like talking to them directly. Is that weird?

I wish I could change but its really hard. Any suggestions?

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Wow I can completely relate to all of you. I remember way back when in my first year of highschool I was pretty social..and enjoyed meeting people. But later in the years I just began to feel like a wall flower ..never really having much to say and always afraid if I did say something that I would sound stupid or something. I also thought at one point I might have had agoraphobia, but I decided that that can't be because I am not necessarily afraid of social situations ..(accept for going to someone home for dinner...I hate that ...always too quiet for me and forces me to have to talk)..never comfortable in that situation. So I decided that I am just not that into being social. Don't get me wrong I like to have conversations here and there but I think I have grown to love peaceful situations...like reading or watching tv. Sometimes too much talk can create more divisions among people. But yes, I often wonder if I too am missing out on life. I wish I had that type of personality where socializing is easy and that I could be that person everyone loves to see...I often realize that although people tell me I am attractive I am not the girl people want to hang with necessarily..So whoever says that good looking people have it easy...is just nottrue at all..at least for me it isn't. I am not sure what I can do or what kind of advice to give for this. I can say however that you could try and be more open to having conversation but how can you force yourself to be someone you're not...I guess you can either re-invent yourself and become that social butterfly or you can accept that you might not be Ms Talker and that you are more mello than others.....

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ISNT IT WEIRD HOW COMMON THIS IS??????

 

Ive just recently started gettin anti-social and its gettin me down alot. I used to love going out clubbing and drinking and staying out late but now I make excuses not to go incase I have a bad time and want to come home (which is always- i just get really bored- maybe Ive grown up).

 

Im ONLY 19 and i hate staying out later than 12- whats the matter with me?? Im a freak!! and because I avoid a lot of social situations- people dont invite me anymore and i start to feel left out- but its my own fault!!

 

HELP

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I can totaly relate to all of you. Ive never been much of a social butterfly., ive always blended in better with the mute walls,. Most of my childhood evenings were spent reading or painting or drawing-- and they still are. i used to be okay going out,. but I have never liked big groups.Throught this summer,. i developed an extreme fear of goign outside, mainly bcause my OCD (trichotiloomania) got worse. I would lieterarily CRY if i had to walk down to the shops for 5 minutes.

 

I still dont like big groups,. cant stand crowds,. thought i was the only one who felt weird around lots of other people,. Ive only got 3 or 4 friends,. and I absolutely CANT stand Idle gossip and poinless chit chats. i hate conversations that I cant remember a word of 2 minutes later,.. so i tend to keep with myself,.

that being said,. I Do love meeting new people and gettign to know them, but most people tend to back off from me cause im very reserved and quiet,....

 

anyway,. my point is you're not alone,. there are other people who feel the same way,. Imagine how rowdy the world would be if everyone was loud and chatty?

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I feel better knowing there are lots more of you out there! I don't know why I became this way. I really don't and I have no clue why it started 5-6 years ago when I was around 24 years old. Maybe its because up until then I was surrounded by people all the time in high school and college and then when I was 24 I was living on my own and moved to a different state and didn't know many people. Maybe I got a taste of solitude and preferred it or maybe I just forgot how to act around people when it wasn't constantly required.

 

Pointless conversation does bore me.... my roommate is a perfect example. She talks on the phone for hours every day with the same people and she CANNOT be alone. I'm like WHAT ON EARTH can you possibly talk about for that long and EVERY day??? But then again part of me envies her because I know she is getting out and experiencing people and places and making connections.... I worry that I'm going to just end up ALONE forever and I don't want to end up ALONE even though I am so anti-social. Does that make any sense??

 

For some reason people really trust me and they come to me with their problems and I am the person who is always lending a sympathetic ear. I am very caring and compassionate and I don't mind listening to people one on one if they have an actual problem but actual day to day small talk or bar talk! YUCK! Pointless. At work, I totally hibernate in my office and hardly ever come out. Thank god I HAVE an office but then again its just enabling my anti socialness. I hate eating in the kitchen at lunch because thats where everyone is blabbing.

 

What is bad about all this is when I am having a hard time, when I should be leaning on people, I isolate myself and I know it's not healthy : (

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I think most of us if not all of us here are all introverts to differing degrees. I myself am introvert but shy too. My shyness is how my younger introverted self dealt with the world, now that I've grown up I want to grow past my shyness to be a CONFIDENT introvert; someone who is proud to be oneself and proud to voice their opinions and to stick up for themselves.

 

I have never been much of a big talker, except around family and a few close friends. Everyone else either tends to make me edgy or bored, or both of those unpleasant continuums. I don't hate people, it's just I'm not very interested to be around them. I am a solo player, I like going at things myself and I have an independent streak which I'm trying to express without fear or shame. I find I express myself best in writing. I also enjoy arty stuff like painting, drawing, writing, etc.

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Pointless conversation does bore me.... my roommate is a perfect example. She talks on the phone for hours every day with the same people and she CANNOT be alone. I'm like WHAT ON EARTH can you possibly talk about for that long and EVERY day??? But then again part of me envies her because I know she is getting out and experiencing people and places and making connections.... I worry that I'm going to just end up ALONE forever and I don't want to end up ALONE even though I am so anti-social. Does that make any sense??

 

In that sense, only because the individual wants to be heard and listened to.

 

 

 

I am amazed like so many others that we feel this way. My ex bf used to drive me crazy because he wanted people to say hello to him so badly and could not understand why others would not respond in return.

 

How funny people would call me annoying but yet I had to listen to these people's (mind you they are no longer in my life) problems constantly when I could not take it anymore.

 

I mean am I selfish?

Is it wrong to feel that no one should speak to you unless spoken to by you?

 

Why should you be chastised for being anti-social?

Please, I used to be that social butterfly also and warmed up to people and say hello like a nut case with love like a hippie on heroin.

 

What did I get inreturn? Nothing but stares and no hellos back.

Why bother mixing with others and being in crowds among throngs of people? Most of them have bad attitudes anyway. Might be too drunk diseased and stupid to be messed with.

 

I have other things to do. I cherish being alone although sometimes trying to enjoy scares me. Since breaking up with my ex bf I mean.

 

I want to have fun. In my opinion I love attending the movioes on my own during - when possible- the week while others are in school or at work. No harm in that........ I HATE shopping with others because you have to compromise and wait for them or if they get inpatient they make you leave when you are not ready.

 

Alone time is a pleasure that can not be taken for granted. I have felt better for feeling alone and on my own since my break up too. I resented the fact that my ex had claimed you will be able to do what you want.

This is so true. I just wish he and others understand that it is very hard especially for me to make new friends or not be much of a people-person.

 

Come on people! Does Martha Stewart look like the type that is socialable or approachable? I think not.

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from a website devoted to the subject:

On Introversion

 

Linda Kreger Silverman, Ph.D.

Gifted Development Center

Denver, Colorado

 

The American dream is to be extraverted. We want our children to be "people who need people." We want them to have lots of friends, to like parties, to prefer to play outside with their buddies rather than retire with a good book, to make friends easily, to greet new experiences enthusiastically, to be good risk-takers, to be open about their feelings, to be trusting. We regard anyone who doesn't fit this pattern with some concern. We call them "withdrawn," "aloof," "shy," "secretive," and "loners." These pejorative terms show the extent to which we misunderstand introverts.

 

The majority of Americans are extraverted (about 75%), but the majority of gifted children appear to be introverted (about 60%), and the percentage of introverts seems to increase with IQ (Silverman, 1986). In addition to the problems encountered with being gifted, these children are frequently misjudged because they are introverted. Introversion is a perfectly normal personality type identified by Carl Jung. It is actually healthy to be an introvert. The only unhealthy part of it is denying your true self and trying to disguise yourself as an extravert.

 

Introverts are wired differently from extraverts and they have different needs. Extraverts get their energy from interaction with people and the external world. Introverts get their energy from within themselves; too much interaction drains their energy and they need to retreat from the world to recharge their batteries. People can be extreme extraverts, extreme introverts, or a combination of both. Since extraversion is the dominant mode in our society, there are no "closet extraverts," but there are many "closet introverts," people who are so ashamed of their introversion that they try to be extraverts.

 

Here are some tips on the care and feeding of the introverts in your family or classroom:

 

HOW TO CARE FOR INTROVERTS

    Respect their need for privacy.
    Never embarrass them in public.
    Let them observe first in new situations.
    Give them time to think. Don't demand instant answers.
    Don't interrupt them.
    Give them advanced notice of expected changes in their lives.
    Give them 15 minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing before calling them to dinner or moving on to the next activity.
    Reprimand them privately.
    Teach them new skills privately rather than in public.
    Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities:
    encourage this relationship even if the friend moves.
    Do not push them to make lots of friends.
    Respect their introversion. Don't try to remake them into extraverts.

Introverts need to learn about the positive benefits of their personality type. They need to be taught that reflection is a good quality, that the most creative individuals sought solitude, and that leaders in academic, aesthetic and technical fields are often introverts. Parents need to know that more National Merit Scholars are introverted than extraverted, and that introverts have higher grade point averages in Ivy League colleges than extraverts (Silverman, 1986). Contrary to public opinion, success in life is not dependent upon extraversion. Introverts also have an advantage at midlife in that long, hard journey to the soul which heralds the second half of the life cycle. The time has come to respect the introverts in our families and classrooms, and the hidden introvert in ourselves.

 

I recommend the book Please Understand Me for parents, teachers and students to gain a better grasp of the different personality types in our lives. Great for family reading!

 

REFERENCE

 

Keirsey, D., & Bates, M. (1978). Please understand me: Character & temperament types. Del Mar, CA: Prometheus Nemesis Books.

 

Silverman, L.K., (1986). Parenting young gifted children. In J.R. Whitmore (Ed.), Intellectual giftedness in young children. New York: The Haworth Press.

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Put my name down as well. Thirty years old and I'd do anything to avoid going out with people. I can 'deal' with it sometimes but if given a choice I'd much prefer to spend time on my own or with only a few people.

 

Which can become a bit of a problem when you're my age and are single but don't have any social networks to utilise in meeting people...

 

As to causes - maybe just who I am, maybe because that's how my family is - never had many family friends, never got exposed to social situations that much...

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Put my name down as well. Thirty years old and I'd do anything to avoid going out with people. I can 'deal' with it sometimes but if given a choice I'd much prefer to spend time on my own or with only a few people.

 

Which can become a bit of a problem when you're my age and are single but don't have any social networks to utilise in meeting people...

 

As to causes - maybe just who I am, maybe because that's how my family is - never had many family friends, never got exposed to social situations that much...

 

 

And I wonder if this is ever a bad thing?

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  • 6 years later...

The strange thing is that I wasn't always like this! Not when I was younger like in elementary school and high school. I talked on the phone all the time and I wanted to be around people! I think I noticed a change about 6 years ago... at least I recall that is when I stopped enjoying talking on the phone. I don't really know when this really anti-social stuff happened but it's been like this for at least 5 years now.

----------------

I was a shy girl for all my school years. It wasn't until I started working in marketing and later in sales that I started breaking out of my shell. I knew lots of people, I made public presentations, I partied with friends, family, and business associates. I also picked up a drinking habit at the same time which gave me even more confidence when dealing with people. This year I stopped drinking and it seems like I'm not interested in putting myself out there to socialize, even with family or friends. It's as if I'm cutting myself off from everyone. Yet, I'm bored staying home all the time and I'm lonely because I only talk to my husband, my immediate family and couple of close friends. I'm not sure what I'm going through. The only reason I actually get out and force myself to go to events is because my husband is the exact opposite; he loves being around people and especially family. Now I am pregnant and I'm more concerned about being anti-social.

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Omigosh, I thought I was the only one who felt like this!!

 

About a month and a half ago I tried to make friends because I felt like I needed to since I developed such a daily routine that involved no one (work, school, home, work, school, home) I even had my schedule so fined tuned that I always had my shower at 7pm every night and if something or someone interfered I would get upset. I met this girl and tried establishing some sort of connection but I just wanted to get away from her and go do my own thing. I tried but felt nothing so I stopped calling, texting, etc.

 

There are a few people at work who I love to be around and talk to but that's the extent of it. I like to go out and all and don't mind going it alone. I can walk as fast or slow as I want without waiting on someone or someone waiting on me. I can pick and choose what I want to do and when I want to do it and how long. I can get up and leave at anytime without inconveniencing anyone. If I don't feel like talking I don't have to hear someone in my ear saying, "why are you so quiet", UGH I HATE THAT.

 

Sometimes I feel like I need to be more social but when I try it just becomes awkward and it feels forced. I have my boyfriend and a few close people and I'm fine with that. I guess I'm somewhat of a textbook "loner"

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Did you have a bad experience? Maybe your personality changed because a social situation turned out badly for you. I think bad experiences make us learly of putting ourselves "out there" again. A person is in more control of there experiences if they do not allow themselves to be an open book to others.

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Episkopos...yes, the experience of being led on for over a year by a co-worker changed my personality. I no longer consider myself depressed. However, that remnants of that experience are reflected in my personality change in every interaction that I have with people. The saying goes that, "Nice guys finish last..." in my case that rang true.

 

Good luck to you.

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I'm the same.

 

I'm not really a big social-setting kind of guy other than the small circle of friends that I have. I hate large areas full of people, gives me the creeps. So I avoid clubs, stadiums, concerts, large parties and really large gatherings of people. It freaks me out and I don't know why but I just want to leave. I always drive my car because when I'm ready to go, I'm leaving. Had a friend once picked me up and we ended up going to this club type place and I wanted to leave and he wanted to stay and things got really ugly between us. Because I don't play that, when I want to go I would like to be able to do so. So I drive my own car. I don't understand why these kind of social-settings bother me, but I get very uncomfortable. I freak out and I just want to leave and finally when I reach my casual plateau of solitude and quiet, I feel so much more relaxed and at ease.

 

You are definitely not alone.

 

One of the things that pissed my ex girlfriend off about me was that I was like that. She's very much the social-butterfly, let's hang out and let's go meet Rachel, Susie, Larry, Smitty, Jones, Jared, Jara, Frank, Todd, Rob, Peter, Paul, DaShawn, Howard, Thomas, Elizabeth, Nicole, Kathleen, Mickey, Bruce, Sara, Eloise, Elaine, Jerry, George, Timothy, Ross, Tracy, Mary and Liz for drinks and a movie type of person. And for me, I'm like, let's just call up Nicole and Jerry and the four of us go. She hated that about me. Why can't you hangout with all of my friends when we go out? Why you always wanna stay in the house? You don't ever want to do nothing fun.

 

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

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Uhh exactly. Know what that is like. I don't like being at the "whim" of other people when it comes to being in social situations or not. Especially when it comes to large groups of people. Small doses, it's all good. But the longer it goes on, and the bigger the group, the more stressed out I get.

 

And about your ex. Ok, laughing my ass off. Was in that exact situation for years. A more introverted person with a very extroverted person. His extrovertion sometimes drove me crazy, and my introversion sometimes drove him nuts. What he saw as "fun" to me was "work". lol. And even the classification of people was so different. I say "friend", I mean "someone i am actually quite close to and is important in my life in a big way". He said "friend" and it could mean someone he only met recently and talked to a few times!

 

I'm thinking that even with LOTS of outside sources of meeting needs...when two people are so different on the scale...it always gets a bit hard.

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