My Wife Of 5 Years Says She Needs "Down" Time

This is my first posting and I'm not quite sure were to begin. My wife and I are happily married for 6 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. Essentially we were both starting life over again at 40 something. She began a teaching career 6 years and ago and I work as an electrician. She has two boys (21 and 18 years of age) whom I am helping to get through college and for the most part have always gotten along with. They havnt seen their father in almost 17 years since she left Ireland (where they wer born) because of an alcohol related abusive relationship. I too have three children (18,20 and 23) that have not had much to do with me since I was remarryed as my X has and always will have a problem with it. The last two years of our marriage was tough, not rough, just tough as she needed $30,000.00 in dental work and worked and completed her masters degree..another 32 grand! In order to give her the space she needed I kept busy remodeling the house, mainly a new kitchen and bathroom whcih I did entirely myself.

Now that it is all behind us, there is a tension between us and she keeps stating that she needs her "down time". I cant get an exact definition except she claims I am too needy. My needs are simple, let me love you on occasions and be my best friend..thats why I married her. The more I try to talk to her, the more I feel resistance. Our sex life that was once wonderful has gone down the tubes and Im on the fence as what to do next. I feel like a utility with a big wallet. The lastest thing is she needs a few days to herself to go to Southbeach. She went last year with a friend and everytime she tells her story, I get different versions. Like the time she was telling a friend she was sun bathing topless when 6 months prior she told she wasn't. I cant help but to get the feeling there is someone else in her life. Today I stopped home to do some paperwork and she happened to come home from school, she was a bit surprised to see me there and told me she had to get back right away. I keep asking myself, did she come home because her cell phone is not working and needed to make a call? I have gotten several calls at home in which the caller hangs up as soon as I answer and say hello.

Maybe Im being paraniod, I so damn confused I dont know what to do. If someone there can tell me what "down time" really is that would help, or maybe its time for me to move on. I love her with all my heart, but cant take much moreof the hurting.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Thank You

Dennis O

She's been an independent woman for a long time and misses the quiet time of being alone with her own company and thoughts. Give her that time and you will reap the rewards. Make a conscious effort to get out for the day at least once a week so she can just 'be'.

Sounds like she just wants to spend a day just for herself to sit and think, maybe have a bubble bath and relax in her own company and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Its not that she doesn't love you or want you around, I promise so don't make her feel bad about it. Accept it as part of her and support her by understanding her and give her 'her time' without worrying.

Sorry, but I disagree with Bethany, I think there is real cause for concern. There may or may not be someone else, but she is certainly distancing herself from you and the marriage and I think you should have a serious talk to her about the relationship. If you are not happy with her response then you should either insist on counselling or reconsider whether this relationship is best for you.

Well...when I first read the title I thought well everyone needs some individual time to grow and breathe, and be able to give to the relationship...but then I read your post and BIG red flags popped in my head.

Her actions sound VERY suspricious...especially the mysterious caller, changing stories, and the way she has presented it to you. The sex life, another pretty big indicator, and the general pushing you away.

Unlike what another poster said, I think your relationship is in trouble, and you can't just brush this off as a "space thing". Unfortunately there is no concrete PROOF of anything at this time, so its difficult to tell.

I'd advise you talk to her non-confrontationally...tell her "I have been feeling like something is amiss lately" or something just to get it going...if she gets defensive again, I would say even more concern...however, see if she is open to counselling.

I also think you should sit down and have a serious talk with her. I don't know if you should say you think something is "amiss", implying you think she might be cheating. There are some serious red flags but it's still too premature to say that.

Sit down with her, and have the non confrontational talk. Try to get her to tell you exact what this "down time" is that she needs, and how much of it. And more specifically, ask her what it is about you exactly that she finds to be too needy. If she continues to be evasive, then insist on counseling together as others have said.

As far as her possibly cheating...do you have caller ID at home? That would be a good way to solve these mysterious phone calls. If you get caller ID, you can also have the phone company set it up so private #'s can't call you without revealing yourself. This way you'll be able to monitor all the calls coming into the house.