A lie to him every day

I am so fed up with being in this relationship and feel that although there are lots of places to chat and get it off my chest that there is no real PRACTICAL help for me.

I married someone nine years younger than me - he saw my ex boyfriend hit me and he ' CAME TO MY RESCUE ' and SAVED me !

We were married within 6 months and I was pregnant. The first time he hit me was when I was nine months pregnant. He smashed up my home [ I already had three children ] and it was just before Christmas.

I forgave him because I never had a man make me feel so WANTED.

From that moment his respect for me was gone. I was older than him and he seemed to look up at me to help him through life [ his mum was an alcholic and his father was a drug user - he had his own hang ups and I think he fed off my good nature to make himself look good ].

Every three months he would become violent because I had spoken up about issues that were serious concerns but ones that he did not wish to discuss, so he became intimidating and I learnt to back down or suffer the consequences.

As the years went on I learnt every trick in the book to try and keep this ' man ' happy. I neglected my childrens emotional welfare, I neglected myself, I gave in night after night and would occasionally try to say no but he would retaliate by ripping off the bedclothes and switching on the light and accussing me of not wanting him or of having someone else. I have been sexually abused so much that I suffer from bouts of B Vag.

He really laid into me one christmas and I had a black eyes, bruises over my body and a huge bald spot on my skull where he pulled my hair out and although my doctor was aware that I was in a domestic violence relationship [ which he said you wont be the first and you wont be the last ] he just did not want to see how bad the situation had become. My husband called my doctor and from my bed my doctor said I had Fibromyalgia [ similar to Gulf War syndrome ] .

So my husband - my abuser - became my carer. He even said that he liked it when I was ill, as I needed him ! My children learnt not to atagonise him and for 4 months I was in my bedroom. I could not look anyone in the eyes and finally I had a nervous breakdown. My husband was so good to me and I saw a completely different person. I think he felt guilty and has since admitted that his violence gave me Fibromyalgia.

As the years went on I went out less and less - I tried everywhere to get help and my love and sympathy were being replaced with anger and frustration. Finally this year he hit me again in front of his family. I left and went into refuge - in there I was made to feel as though I had done something wrong - I was being punished for what he had done to me - he was in our home. I made a statement about the last 5 years and took him to court. He was terrified and I explained that he needed help as I could not believe that anyone can be that evil. He got to me though. He phoned me and begged and pleded as he usually does and I gave in like I usually do. I then tried to get all the help I could to remain focused on getting him away from me but all to no avail. No matter where I went for help they were useless. No one could protect me from him as he has no fear of police or prison. Finally after taking him to court and getting him done for battery again [ 2nd time ] he is being ordered to seek help and has been prescribed drugs for Bi polar disorder [ although he has not been medically assessed ] - he still smokes and drinks away our mortgage money [ £600 a month ] and I am at the point of being taken to court for outstanding debts and will probably loose my house within 6 months. All I can say to the services is thank you for finally getting in touch with me 4 months after me trying to leave him and for sending me for counselling - but you are TOO LATE. He is back in my life ruling me again. I have no money he takes the lot and I have no way of escape as he has disabled me with Fibromyalgia - so who would take care of me - let alone the kids. IF YOU READ THIS AND ARE THINKING OF LEAVING HIM - go now before he disables you too. I am a lost cause but you dont have to be.

An extermely powerful message to all those in abusive relationships.

But you are not a lost cause - no one is.

While you are still human - you are worth life.

What happened when you phoned the police?

Because my husband refused to answer the door they went away and did not arrest him. I was in a refuge with my children, sleeping on urine stained mattresses being eyed up by the owner. I went to the council to get rehoused and they told me to go back to refuge which I refused to do. Instead I telephoned my husband at our marital home and told him to get out as the police were going to arrest him for 5 years of domestic violence - he left and went to his sisters. I then contacted the police myself and said that I wanted to get back into my home and they checked my house before I went in to make sure he wasn't there and then as soon as they left he was on the phone. I never did get any real support. I had one officer who did try and help but he kept giving me telephone numbers of domestic violence supprt - which is ok but I am not a samaritan case - i didnt want to talk I wanted practical help. It took all the effort I had to leave and once I was back in the house I was ill again from the stress - and guess what - my husband came back to look after me and the kids because I was so bad !

But you can phone a support group who can give you resources to get practical help.

That's what they do. Not just listen and say "Oh, that's sad".

You must get out of that house and his life.

He deserves to be locked up - so make sure of it.

Find the stregnth inside yourself to do this. If not for yourself; for your children.

What are you afraid of?

I did get practical help - a disgusting refuge and I was made to feel like a lesser being . The nearest shop to the refuge was 30 mins walk so I thought Id take my children to the pub accross the road for a drink. When I got to the pub there was a sign saying no visitors or staff allowed from the refuge ! I am just now getting some practical help but I am unable to leave as I dont really go out of the house as I am relatively housebound with Fibromyalgia plus he has all the money. You ask what I am afraid of ? Well I used to be scared that he would kill me but now I look at death as a release. I am scared to spend the rest of my life in the care of the services .

A life in protection, or risking your; and your children's lives staying with this man?

Step by step you could rebuild your life. Without him.

Ive seen the PROTECTION - there is none. Even if he went to prison he would get out and look for me - he would blame me for him going to prison. He has broken my spirit and I am recovering every day just a little more but I cannot let on to him how well I am getting on. I sit paitently waiting for him to go off with someone else [ which eventually he will as I look old for my age ] and then the new girlfriend can have his ' LOVE ' and he will leave me alone.

I have learnt the art of making everything appear ok when it isnt. I reckon I deserve an oscar. Inside I am very angry. In life what goes around comes around and I can wait - and wait and wait.

I know he is fed up with living with me - he must hate his life so much - he is always drinking and smoking his life away becoz it is so bad. I used to think that it was because he was with me and I wasn't making him happy. Now - I dont care I just think hes a skitzo - he has such intense feelings and dosn't know how to handle them.

If he went to prison - you would have a chance to rebuild your life.

You have given up on yourself.

Mrs Please Don't,

Did you ever file a no contact order against him? Have the police tapped your phone to detect when he calls?

You can't let him win. I know you don't believe this: but you are STRONG. You can get through this.

Do you have any friends or family or religious leaders that can help you?

I had one officer who did try and help but he kept giving me telephone numbers of domestic violence supprt - which is ok but I am not a samaritan case - i didnt want to talk I wanted practical help.

This officer took a personal interest in your case. He probably does not have the training to know exactly what to do so he referred you to the domestic violence support agencies. You have nothing to lose by calling them- do you still have the numbers? Can you go to the police department in person and try to re-connect with that officer or someone else compassionate enough to help? If I were you I would stand there in their faces until they did something.

If you have a disability- are you unable to work? If so, can you get a check from the government? Is there any way for you to secretly save money? For intsance can you ask your husband to give you lunch money for the children daily- but then make their lunches at home without him knowing?

Please don't give up. You need to get out. Don't let him break your spirit. You have him fooled into thinking everything is "ok- So now is the perfect time to try harder than ever (secretly) to find a way out. Play him for the fool he is and devise a plan.

There HAS to be other options besides that refuge they sent you to.

I don't know your location, but maybe these websites can help:

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Remember to erase your internet activity as well. The first link I posted has info on that.

You CAN live a happy life and get away from him. Please don't give up,

BellaDonna

I guess I have - the courts said he needed help and have ordered a domestic violence program and probation. He uses the fact that he was abused as a child and had a flawed upbringing as a way of excusing his controlling behaviour.

I cant be the first woman who thought shed never get out - one day I'll get on a train and never come home again. He will report me missing and that will be that. As for my children I will either wait for them to leave home or will take them with me - I will know when the time comes. I WILL NOT RELY ON ANYONES HELP except my own. I have seen first hand the uselessness of the services. What the services should do is on the first proved account of domestic violence put these men behind bars for however long the woman has had to endure the violence. Thus forcing the woman to spend time alone and allowing her to readjust to NORMALITY. The law gives the abuser to much freedom inbetween court cases which enables the abuser to ' get to ' the victim. Has it not been proved that women who have endured domestic violence are in need of counselling / mental help showing that they themselves are not of sound mind to make responsible judgements of what is right and wrong.

I wish people had pedigrees like dogs - you could distinguish between bad breeding and good couldn't you ?

I WILL NOT RELY ON ANYONES HELP except my own. I have seen first hand the uselessness of the services

This is not the way to go. You're putting the world on your shoulders. Try other agencies, and not the one that sent you to that horrible refuge. Not all services are incompetent. What do have to lose by simply inquiring about other services? If you don't like them you don't HAVE to involve youself with them- but at the very least, find out.

While it's true that untimatley YOU have to have the inner strength to get out- you should not tell yourself that you're not going to rely on others. You will only set yourself up for failure- because your situation is a task that no one should have to go through alone.

BellaDonna

Thank you Bella Donna for your reply

I know as well as most do that a restricting order isn't worth the paper it's written on. He was told by the police to not contact me - so he did as soon as he left the police station. We are talking about a man who dosnt care about laws .

I have thought about going to church but Im not churchy minded [ my faith in God is lacking somewhat - plus with all the stories about priests etc : I wouldnt trust them either ]

My faith in mankind is rapidly depleating.

I was once a little girl with dreams of white wedding dresses and happy children - now I have pain, misery and torment. I wish there was a website that offered fresh starts for life - if you can just get yourself on a plane.

Here's a recent post that was on this forum that might interest you:

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This woman had the odds against her between being alone and having her family far away and almost no support from the police in her area- because her boyfriend had buddies on the police force.

It took almost losing her life for her to get out.

Don't let that be you and your children.

I know you feel he's broken you- but I can tell you still have something left. Conjure up any last speck of strength you have inside. You're going to need it now, more than ever.

I know as well as most do that a restricting order isn't worth the paper it's written on. He was told by the police to not contact me - so he did as soon as he left the police station. We are talking about a man who dosnt care about laws .

I would still get one if I were you because every time he breaks it- he breaks "the law" and the police have to come out when that happens. Every time he breaks it- it's more info on his criminal record...and more attention the police HAVE to pay to you.

I have thought about going to church but Im not churchy minded [ my faith in God is lacking somewhat - plus with all the stories about priests etc : I wouldnt trust them either ]

Desperate times call for desperate measures. You don't have to immerse yourself in a religion- but perhaps the churches run a shelter or have a leader that takes a personal interest in helping- perhaps they would donate money, etc. You won't know until you try.

My faith in mankind is rapidly depleating.

I was once a little girl with dreams of white wedding dresses and happy children - now I have pain, misery and torment.

You should not let him kill those dreams. He is the exception to the rule. Don't give up on all of humanity. I truly believe justice will find him. But if you give up, you can guarentee that it never will

BellaDonna

Did anyone read this from ' boyfriend keeps beating me up ' ?

Needless to say, the night of the last attack they went right to my ex's house and took him into custody. My ex broke down and admitted everything to them and that is why they immediately put him in jail. There was no need for a court hearing since my ex admitted it all. He knew he would be in jail for awhile so he wanted to put his time in right away. The county judge automatically sentenced him to the minimum of battery which is 10 years because this has been ignored and going on for so long

I wasn't so lucky - they arrested my husband because he handed himself in and he was out within 30 mins after admitting 5 years of domestic violence on me. They must have different procedures in USA - here in England they let them out and then in a few weeks they return to court for sentencing.

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0808 2000 247 Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline

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Many thanks DARKBLUE

You're more than welcome.

All of the above sites are based in the UK and offer help in the UK.

Please get yourself out of this hole.

I think everyone who has read your story sits here with their blood boiling at the thought of this abuser getting away with this, and the idea that you and your family are suffering this way.

We want nothing more than for you to suceed.

I know the system hasn't been good to you so far- but I still believe you can conquer this. It's going to take a lot of courage and determination on your part.

Do you have any family members, or any friends in your area that might be able to advocate for you?

BellaDonna

I found a support forum that deals with victims of domestic abuse.

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I will continue to throw resources at you - it's up to you to take action.

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Mrs please dont, I just wanted to thank you for posting your bad situation on this forum. I hope that you will find peace eventually, make sure you record everything that he does document everything, that way when you take him to court or to the police you can show them evidence.

The reason I really want to thank you, is that I was the abuser in my past relationship, and I am trying to deal with my ex fiancee breaking up with me over the things I did to her, it has been very hard not to contact her, etc, but reading your post here has really made an impact on me, it gives me an insight on how she must have felt, and is feeling now. I am sorry if it bothers you that I have posted here, I just wanted to thank you for posting that, it was hard to read and to see myself in that light, but I can only imagine what it was like to go through that.

I was also abused when I was young and I used to use that as an excuse to justify what I did, but nothing can justify abuse, no one deserves to be abused.

I am truly sorry for what has happened to you, but never give up, I am not going to give up and neither should you! Take care and always be safe.

"Why do we fall down?, so that we can learn to get back up"

I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do with your past, just know that there are those of us, who care about you and what you do with your future, we will never give up on you, if you never give up on us