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Thread: Husband Doesn't want sex with his pregnant wife

  1. #11
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    I can honestly see where your husband is coming from. All guys react differently to that subject. Some find it extremely sexy... others don't like the idea. It isnt YOU .... its their mindset. Of course you have needs... but he may be thinking.. my unborn child is right here.. this is my son/daughter ... that could really freak a guy out. Try to see it from his point of view ....

  2. #12
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    Thank you all for your comments. Brian ( my husband) has came with me to my doctors visits and he does know that its okay to have sex, but I am going to try to respect his wishes. Hes a good man, just not overly sexual I suppose. We had a problem with sex before i was pregnant, but its just gotten worse. I don't always ask for it, but like to have it once a week at least. hes just not like that & this was a problem before the pregnancy. Yet, its only worse now. Other than our sex life, our relationship is great. Hes a good guy. Just the comment he made about not wanting to have sex with me made me feel unattractive. Well more unattractive because we all know pregnancy isn't the best on your body Thank you all for your comments!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member novaseeker's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SLMitchell918
    We had a problem with sex before i was pregnant, but its just gotten worse. I don't always ask for it, but like to have it once a week at least. hes just not like that & this was a problem before the pregnancy.
    Well ... if this is the case then you should discuss it with him. The current period may have its own issues, which are common enough among some men, but if you weren't happy sexually beforehand, you have to make sure that you will get back on track sexually after the baby is born, and that this pregnancy-related sexual issue doesn't continue after that, because having a good, satisfying sex life is a pretty important part of being married.

  4. #14
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    I hate to throw cold water on you, but one man of my acquaintance thought his wife was unattractive during pregnancy. They argued about it, too, because he got defensive when she asked. I guess he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her he found pregnant women unattractive -- like he thought not having sex wouldn't hurt her feelings.

    Fortunately, he is the only man I've known of who thought that way. All the other men I've asked (and I asked a lot after I found out about this guy -- he was my best friend's husband) find pregnant women downright sexy. Most were more than happy to help with their wives' increased sex drive.

    I agree with the other posters that you should ask him about his feelings, but I don't think you should start out doing it at the doctor's office -- save that as a last resort, because it puts him on the spot and makes him look like a jerk (which I hope he's not).

    Try to find a situation and location that is very soothing, and talk to him calmly and without pain or accusation. You are going to have to be the mature one here, and open the door for him by telling him it's ok if he finds you unattractive just now (we both know it's not ok, right?), as long as it's temporary.

    Your goal here is to get him to open up, without blowing up. Hopefully he'll deny any such nonsense and then give you the real reason he's withdrawn.

    If this doesn't help, then maybe you could resort to a close, older friend or relative of his -- someone he trusts. Go carefully here, because some people resent outside intrusion into their marital issues. But if he can't talk to you without blowing up, maybe he'll talk to someone from whom he will also accept advice.

    Like other posters have said, I'm sure this is just a temporary thing. My husband got a little uncomfortable with making love "in front of the baby", but he got over it.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by armchairshrink
    I hate to throw cold water on you, but one man of my acquaintance thought his wife was unattractive during pregnancy.
    Thank you for bringing this aspect up, armchairshrink. I was beginning to wonder if I am the only one who thought of that.

    If a guy does not fancy big-bellied women before pregnancy, it is not far fetched to suspect that he will not fancy them during pregnancy either.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    If a guy does not fancy big-bellied women before pregnancy, it is not far fetched to suspect that he will not fancy them during pregnancy either
    You do have a point there. But wouldn't the source of the big belly make a difference? And what about unconditional love?

    It's not like her tummy got that way from eating cheeseburgers...it's his baby in there...which resulted from a sex act in the first place. He helped make it so he should love it.

    Some men take great joy in showing off their wives tummies. It's almost like a noble thing i.e. ....like he's saying "look what I did would be proud"

    But I guess all men are different.


    BellaDonna

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by BellaDonna
    But wouldn't the source of the big belly make a difference? And what about unconditional love?

    It's not like her tummy got that way from eating cheeseburgers...it's his baby in there...which resulted from a sex act in the first place. He helped make it so he should love it.
    I would hope the source of the belly makes a difference, especially since a pregnant woman looks very different from a fat one; but in the case of my best friend's (now EX-) husband, it didn't make a difference. Of course, he turned out to be a jerk in sooo many other ways... No unconditional love there.

    And loving the baby is not the same (to some people) as making love to the belly.

    Some men take great joy in showing off their wives tummies. It's almost like a noble thing i.e. ....like he's saying "look what I did would be proud"
    Yup. That's the fun part (well, one of the fun parts, anyway)! And my friend's ex did like showing off his wife's tummy -- or the evidence of his "masculine prowess" -- but he didn't want to make love to it. But as I said, he was an extra-large jerk, and hopefully an exception (he was an exceptional jerk. Have I mentioned he was a jerk? He was indeed a jerk.)

    But I guess all men are different.
    And there you have it.

    The big thing here for you, SLMitchell, is to try to resolve the issue with your husband. Make sure that you both respect each other's wishes, and learn to communicate very calmly, affectionately, and effectively. Try to find out the source of his reticence -- has he always been "not overly sexual", or did this start recently (you mentioned he was like this before the pregnancy)? If recent, what triggered it? (One man I know became cold and distant during his wife's pregnancy. Fortunately, he figured out that he was just TERRIFIED at all the changes in his life, and of having so much responsibility. But he talked it out with his wife and some family and then felt quite a bit better.)

    This sounds like Marriage101 (everybody say "duh!"), but BELIEVE ME, once the baby is here, you're going to have to be reminded what your name is! For the first few months (as I'm sure you've heard by now), you and your hubby are going to feel like zombies from lack of sleep (and if you think your sex life is bad now, wait 'til about a month after the baby is born). You are both going to be exhausted and crabby for some time, so you both need to remember to be extra patient and caring with each other. And don't be surprised if neither of you feels very sexual.

    Take heart: things do get better. The baby settles into a routine, and you & hubby get some parts of your lives back. It's important to realize this, so that neither of you let temporary issues become permanent resentments.

    Your life should settle back into nothing worse than it was before your pregnancy. Just keep the lines of communication open, and brace yourselves emotionally. It's going to be the roughest, most joyful time of your lives.

    Oh, and congratulations!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by BellaDonna
    But wouldn't the source of the big belly make a difference?
    Personally, my sexual attraction to a woman is determined almost exclusively by the waist to hip ratio. Pregnancy will up this ratio and hence my sexual desire would diminish. I am afraid that this sexual cue of mine is not affected by other things such as the knowledge of why a woman has a big waist. A woman criticising me or encouraging me will turn my caring for her off and on respectively but neither will affect my sexual desire for her. If her being kind was a sexual turn on, kind women would be considered sex godesses.

    Originally Posted by BellaDonna
    And what about unconditional love?
    If I did not have any conditions on the person I love, I would approach the closest woman on the street. I don't approach the closest woman on the street.

    Originally Posted by BellaDonna
    Some men take great joy in showing off their wives tummies. It's almost like a noble thing i.e. ....like he's saying "look what I did would be proud"
    These guys might be thinking I boost her confidence in public, she might not feel as rejected when I later turn her down for sex."

    Originally Posted by armchairshrink
    a pregnant woman looks very different from a fat one;
    For the lucky man who's pregnant partner keeps her weight in check then pregnancy indeed looks different from obesity. My eyes can spot the difference but my sexual attraction seems harder to fool.

    Far from every guy shares my turn off for a big stomach though. However, if the father to be enters the pregnant woman from behind, her pregnancy will be less visual. It would not be optimal since eye contact is limited but it could be better than nothing.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Stari
    Personally, my sexual attraction to a woman is determined almost exclusively by the waist to hip ratio.
    So, as long as her hips kept pace with her waist, your lady could be big as a house -- or scrawny as a broomstick?

    Seriously, let's not scare the original poster. You're only the second guy I've ever heard of with such "slender" criteria for sexual attraction. Any other guys out there want to "weigh" in?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    I've known men who glowed just as much as their pregnant partner during the pregnancy....both in public and in private.

    These guys might be thinking I boost her confidence in public, she might not feel as rejected when I later turn her down for sex."
    Or they could genuinely love the fact that their wife is carrying their child.

    Everyone has the right to have their own views about attraction- however I doubt men who find pregnant women sexy and glow with them in public are acting.

    Stari, do you have any little mini Staris running around? My guess is that you're not yet a dad. I think if you found a woman you truly loved, and decided to bring a life into the world with her, that you'd take joy in the process- belly and all. Waist to hip ratios might take a back seat for a little while.

    If I did not have any conditions on the person I love, I would approach the closest woman on the street. I don't approach the closest woman on the street
    When I mentioned unconditional love I wasn't referring to lowering your standards. I meant it in the context of you already finding a woman you loved and cared for deeply (not a stranger) and how you might react if she was pregnant with your daughter or son. Would the love be deep enough to understand that she will not be in her usual body for 9 months- for the sake of having your baby. To me pregnancy is the ultiamte sacrfice- and only shows an woman's unconditional love for a man.
    For the lucky man who's pregnant partner keeps her weight in check then pregnancy indeed looks different from obesity. My eyes can spot the difference but my sexual attraction seems harder to fool.
    And that's ok. I also see your point and I do know some women who used their pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever they wanted- including cartons of ice cream and french fries daily. A woman should not throw her health out the window and rule out all physcial activity and eat junk food just because she is pregnant.

    I think in the case of the original poster- the lack feeling wanted by her partner needs to be addressed. If it bothers her or hurts her feelings then it is an issue worthy of a resolution. It may be normal for some men's sexual desire for their partners to descrease during pregnancy due to various personal reasons and quirks. However communcation about the issue is vital to keeping the marriage strong.

    BellaDonna

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