*deep breath* Ok, seeking some answers.

I'm a beautiful, intelligent, mature 18 year old woman in her second to last year of undergraduate school. I just this weekend broke up with my boyfriend of some 8 or 9 months, who is 12 years older than I am. Originally, the age gap didn't seem to mean much to either of us, but recently I suspect it as the cause of some of the problems we were having.

We both play the online game WoW, and he became stiflingly controlling, demanding to know with whom I was spending my time and criticizing the fact that they were mostly men. The majority of people who play online games ARE statistically men, though, and I have never given him reason to not trust me.

The past day or so he became truly vindictive, denouncing me hatefully and adopting a startlingly superior attitude towards me. On the one hand, I interpret this as a controlling man backpedalling (and I'm rather ashamed I didn't notice beforehand how abusive the relationship was bound to become), but on the other hand I have some sneaking suspicions that a good deal of it is just the culminations of age-founded tensions.

Any input here would be greatly appreciated, I'm pretty deeply hurt by his complete change of attitude and pretty badly need to understand the cause of that.

Eh, it may be the case that it results from your age difference, but it may not. If he is being overly controlling, it could also be a personality issue: in effect, many people who are overly controlling are very insecure and fearful that if they do not exert that kind of control, they will be hurt one way or another, because if they don't control, the person they're trying to control won't do what they want. It's an insecurity issue. In your case, given your age difference, it may be the case that when he vents his insecurity at you, he gets on a high horse about his age and tries to use that to bully you ... if that's the case, then it's simply not playing fair.

I would wonder also in your case whether the age difference itself was an issue independent of that, given that it appears you were 17 and he was 29 when you met. The 12 years itself is not a huge issue, but it's a bigger issue when the younger person is 17, even if that person is a mature 17. Given the fact that your bf sounds like he's insecure and controlling, I wonder if the age gap itself adds to that insecurity.

Trust is a cornerstone of a relationship, age gap or not. It sounds like he has trust issuses. If he's controlling, abusive, jelous, ect., it was a good move to get out of it.

Just my 2 cents.

Christina

The past day or so he became truly vindictive, denouncing me hatefully and adopting a startlingly superior attitude towards me. On the one hand, I interpret this as a controlling man backpedalling (and I'm rather ashamed I didn't notice beforehand how abusive the relationship was bound to become), but on the other hand I have some sneaking suspicions that a good deal of it is just the culminations of age-founded tensions.

At this point it doesn't really matter why he did those things, it's just good that you're out of it. Don't be ashamed that you didn't see it coming; we never look for this sort of behavior. And it's especially hard to believe that it's not a momentary aberration when we've seen so much of the "good side" of someone.

Incidentally, the relationship wasn't bound to become abusive. A good friend of mine, at 18, married her older boyfriend (I don't remember the age gap, but it was well over 7 years -- more like 10 or 15). Last I heard they were still happily married with the requisite house, cars, 2.5 kids, and a dog.

Your ex just sounds like the sort of guy who doesn't handle stress well.

If you need to know the exact reasons for his attitude change, your best bet is to ask him. If speculation will do, here's a boatload for you.

Let's start with basic insecurity, which is bound to be somewhere in the picture when a 29-year-old starts dating a 17-year-old. You do sound mature and well-spoken, but the fact remains that you were 17 when he started seeing you -- and I'm assuming he knew that.

There's a reason that men this age date much younger women, and it generally has to do with maturity and experience -- a lack of maturity on the man's part, and a lack of experience on the woman's. Maybe the women his own age are too cynical for him, or maybe they were wise to his tricks (or maybe they scared him). Younger women tend to be more patient with an older man's foibles.

In your ex's case, it could also be an insecurity thing -- maybe he was feeling insecure about losing his (youth, hair, excitement, pick one) -- so he had to snag a beautiful, intelligent college coed to prove to himself that he's "still all that". Then after awhile, it dawns on him that you interact every day with men in the prime of their masculine youth and beauty. He thinks he can't compete, so he gets insecure and angry -- and takes it out on you.

Twelve years is not a large gap when the couple in question are 72 and 60, or maybe even 62 and 50. But much younger than that, the couple is headed for trouble (even if both parties are well-adjusted, which it sounds like he's not) because the two people involved are in different stages of life.

At 18, you're a hot college woman with her whole life ahead of her. You're surrounded by hot college men with only one thing on their minds. You haven't given him reason to mistrust you, but he knows from experience how men of that age can be. It's an exciting time in your life, and it's easy for him to imagine everybody grabbing all the gusto that they can -- whether or not you're the sort who would do that to him.

He, on the other hand, has been in the workforce for awhile, and has seen how remarkably unexciting life can be sometimes. He may worry that his career's not on track -- or he may be discovering that he chose the wrong one. Also, around 28-30 years old is when many of the men I know started actually worrying about losing their hair, as opposed to just joking about it. That expanded into worrying about aging in general, and then they started mourning their lost youth (which of course wasn't even close to gone). But 30 is a transitional age for most people; in fact, I just recently read about the "quarter-life crisis" that hits some people at around 28-30.

Sounds like it hit your ex pretty hard.

Or maybe he's just a jerk, and the truth finally came out.

Well, I promised a boatload of speculation. I hope this helps.

Twelve years is not a large gap when the couple in question are 72 and 60, or maybe even 62 and 50. But much younger than that, the couple is headed for trouble (even if both parties are well-adjusted, which it sounds like he's not) because the two people involved are in different stages of life.

My view on this is that the real issue is whether the younger person has reached a 'maturity plateau' or not. I think that 18 and 30 may be rough because the 18 year old is less likely to have reached a maturity plateau. I don't really agree that any age gap relationship below age 50 is a problem though. I can see 30 and 42 working, or 25 and 37. An age-gap relationship does raise certain issues that aren't present in other relationships, including the stages of life issue, but it can work, and isn't necessarily headed for trouble if the people are aware of those issues and manage them.

That does help. I had suspected a lot of that myself, and it helps to hear that I'm not just crazy and those things have occurred to another as possible. One of the things that made the relationship initially seem so viable is that he HAD hit his "quarter-life crisis" and just joined the military, seeking to start over, so in the sense of beginnings we were in similar life-phases.

The more I reflect on it, the more I think that it's a combination of factors. Thanks so much for the thoughts.