Need Advice

My Wife of 3 years moved out mid September. I thought everything was fine ..knew we had a few unresolved issues but they certainly were not anything we could not get through and resolve. She said she wasnt happy in our marriage anymore and that she needed to move out to find hapiness....said that it didnt mean the end but if I did not allow her to do this on her own it certainly would be the end. I was devastated. She has all but refused to see a counselor together and is not seeing one on her own. She swears that its not because of another man and I believe her.

We have seen each other a few times since she left and correspond via email and sometimes on a call. We are both having our up & down days. I am trying to give her all the room she needs but she says that this could go either way. Saw her tonight for coffee and we had a good time. We caught up with one another and even laughed a few times. I did notice she wasnt wearing her wedding rings. Did not want to push the issue as I did not want to ruin our good time. Its pretty obvious that all I can do for the relationship is to be supportive of her during this time as she contemplates a decision regarding our marriage. But its been difficult.

Should I read anything into the not wearing her rings????...should I have said something to her and risked pushing her further away??...any advice on how to handle this...would like her back and am willing to meet her half way but it takes two to tango...thanks

It does take two to tango, youre right.

I dont know what you should do. Its too bad she wont go to counseling.

I think you handled yourself very well though. Hopefully someone else will know better something to say to you.

My Wife of 3 years moved out mid September. I thought everything was fine ..knew we had a few unresolved issues but they certainly were not anything we could not get through and resolve. She said she wasnt happy in our marriage anymore and that she needed to move out to find hapiness....said that it didnt mean the end but if I did not allow her to do this on her own it certainly would be the end. I was devastated. She has all but refused to see a counselor together and is not seeing one on her own. She swears that its not because of another man and I believe her.

This is very odd. Folks do not generally take the step of moving out unless things are really bad (ie most often bad fighting) or there is someone else in the picture. Where did she move to? Were there fights around this issue or other issues before she moved out? Had you been discussing your unresolved issues at all? What's the nature of those issues, in general? Is there anything specific that could have brought this on?

Its pretty obvious that all I can do for the relationship is to be supportive of her during this time as she contemplates a decision regarding our marriage.

Eh, no. You ought to be driving your own bus. Don't be sitting in the passenger seat of a car she's driving. You need to sit down and think about what you want and why you want it, and then act according to that. Don't be along for her ride ... that's not the way to do this, in my view.

Should I read anything into the not wearing her rings????

Yes. It's almost never a casual action to take. On the one hand it means she is distancing herself from being married to you. She is checking out of the marriage emotionally. It's a common tangible act people take when they are emotionally checking out of a marriage. I've done it myself. On the other hand, it's also a tangible way people have of 'putting themselves back on the market' ... a woman with no wedding ring sends a message of availability, at least in the sense that she isn't married, and will attract more interest from other men. So my guess is that one or both of those things is true for your wife. It's bad news, I'm sorry to say.

...should I have said something to her and risked pushing her further away??

In situations like this you have to think hard about what you really want. I mean I hear you about wanting her back, but you have to ask yourself why. You have to distinguish between fear of loss, fear of being alone, fear of the unknwown, fear of loneliness and so forth and actual positive love for her, for her traits, for being with her, for spending time with her, for sharing your life with her. You really have to drill down inside yourself to find out why you want to try to win her back, and decide whether it's a good reason or a not-so-hot reason.

If she won't attend marital counseling, after walking out of the house like that, I don't know what to tell you. Yes, it does take two to tange. I have been in the place where I was the one trying to work on the marriage with no cooperation from my now ex, and it doesn't work and leaves you exhausted. I can't emphasize enough that you really need to sort through your feelings and decide what really is motivating you to want to stay with someone who is treating you this way.

Thanks for the advice...no fighting....dont believe there is anyone else (She told me 2x and I believe her)...We are both career driven and over the last few months have drifting apart...work events, travel...sometimes felt that there was little to talk about....but there is still love and I know there are strong feelings between us. She said she just needs the time to sort things out.

I realize that I need to do all I can for me right now and have a strong support group together. The limbo time is difficult. Its been 3 weeks ..told her to take all the time she needs as I want her and I ( or us) to be Happy...just sometimes wish I could more.

Thanks for the advice...no fighting....dont believe there is anyone else (She told me 2x and I believe her)...We are both career driven and over the last few months have drifting apart...work events, travel...sometimes felt that there was little to talk about....but there is still love and I know there are strong feelings between us. She said she just needs the time to sort things out.

But honestly, it's really, really odd for someone to move out without any really pressing reason ... certainly not for a gradual drift over the course of a few months. Normally people wouldn't just up and leave after such a stretch ... I don't think I've ever seen that among the situations I'm personally aware of. In any case, I hope it goes well for you.

I feel for you, Ratcliff--my wife and I have been separated for 2 weeks now.

Sounds like your wife still has feelings for you, because she's taking time out of her happiness to meet with you. Thats good, but it also sounds like those unresolved issues are bigger to her than you imagine.

One thing you might do is to try and put the puzzle pieces together, to figure out why she left. She probably dropped subtle hints through out your relationship. If there was no fighting, then there was something obviously wrong, as fighting is a normal part of a healthy relationship (of course how you fight matters a lot).

If you can't find these things out, getting back together won't be beneficial because those issues will still be there causing unhappiness.

It could be that your wife didn't want to seek counseling because she would be afraid that the counselor might tell her she's wrong, or that shes being selfish, or make her feel bad for the decision she's made.

I would ask your wife about the ring, after you've given some thought as to why you felt the way you did about her not wearing the ring. Don't attack her while asking her, but also know that if you can't share your feelings with your wife now, what are you going to do when you get back together. I really feel for you and know what you're going through with this, because last night I shared some really depressing feelings with my wife, though I was really reluctant too. I didn't want to ruin the evening. It did dampen the day, but not everyday can be sunshine and smiles.

As for the seperation, is it too late to set some ground rules? If you have a chance, try and see if you can set some rules that apply to the both of you. Getting her input is definitely key. The rules my wife and I layed out were that we'd not date anyone else. We'd respect each others privacy and never show up unnannounced, we'd attend counseling during the seperation, and we'd try to meet once a week to spend time together.

I do believe it's possible for one person to put forth 90% of the effort and still save a marriage.

If you focus on what she's not doing to save the marriage, instead of what she is doing, you'll be miserable. You can't force your wife to put forth effort. You can only put forth the best effort you can, and hope that she'll see the positive changes, and do the same.

You can try to sign up for a counseling session with a marriage counselor, who also has training as a personal counselor. Explain that you'll be coming in on your own because your wife doesn't want to go in. Counseling for couples wont work if only one side of the relationship is presented, but the counselor can help you through your issues, which will benefit you.

You can also try and ask your wife to attend a session, just so she can explain her side of the story, so the counselor can get a complete picture. Let her know that you're seeking counseling for yourself, but it would be beneficial for you, to have her input. Let her know how much it would mean for you to have her do this one last thing for you.

Good luck, god bless, and I do really hope that things work out for you. If you take this as a time to learn about yourself and grow as a person, no matter the outcome of your marriage, you will be a better person.

I think a short, sharp shock might wake her up. Ask someone out on a date and tell her about it. She will be shocked and will feel like she has lost 'Her' power. After all, taking off the rings was a definite decision to make feel like you do right now, i.e. like your losing everything and she is winning. I am not saying its a conscious decision to hurt you but it was one she did on purpose. Right now she is in control and she knows it. Take back your power.