How Does Married People Managed To Stay Together?

Ive not seen a married couple stay together. My family is broken up. And I just wanted to know what makes couple want to get married and how do they manage to stay together for so long? I think this is the ultimate question in long term relationships. My ex broke up with me. And I just want to understand how do people manage to stay on for so long. I thought that I could stay on and get married with my ex. But it appears that my long distance relationship made her feel that she rather want someone else there for her.

I would prefer a married person to give advice but anyone please feel free to contribute.

One word: work.

Stable long term marriages don't just happen, they're the result of a lot of committed work on the part of both spouses .. work to communicate, work to share, work to grow and allow the other to grow as well, work to be flexible, and so forth. It takes quite a bit of effort. It's a labor of love, of course, but still it doesn't just happen.

Well, I'm not married, though I do know many who have been married a LONG time. My mother and stepfather though never married (for some old child support reasons among other things, both opted not to) have been together almost 20 years now..and are a huge model role relationship for me. I personally am with the man I plan on marrying now, and already see many of the things that help me see that we will make it, through good and bad.

When choosing someone you want to marry, I do think you "know", however you also know based on the compatibilities you have. Shared values and goals for the relationship, shared ideas on children (if to have them, when to have them, how to raise them, etc), similar beliefs in terms of religion (don't have to be exact, but they have to accept one anothers...if you go into it trying to change the other...bad!). Being compatible spiritually, mentally, sexually, and so forth are also key. Don't settle for someone whom meets all your compatibilities but one or two...because those one or two will become huge issues in the future. Loving and accepting one another for whom they ARE as they are. Not with dreams of changing or hoping they will change. I also think having shared lifestyles is important, it might not be to everyone, but I see people where one loves outdoors and sports, and the other is exact opposite which leads to friction and often less quality time. So for me, it is important my partner is also athletic/fit, active, outdoorsy, loves family, friends, and so forth. Not everything has to be exactly matching, as I want to learn from my partner too, but having that respect and understanding for anothers lifestyle is important.

I think one of the keys would be to realize that love is not always what helps you through everything. That sometimes the commitment that you made to each other and the relationship overrides that at times - because you will NOT always feel the "in love" as strongly as other times. Because in real life, you encounter stress, pressures and strains on the relationship. Being able to keep that commitment and work through things TOGETHER even when the "in love" feeling is ebbing lower. Communication is also crucial - I once read that what determines how well you will exist together is not how often you fight (or not often) but HOW you actually "fight". Conflict resolution, as well as communication in general about needs, wants, daily life, values, goals are very important to the health of the relationship over short and long term.

I think it also takes partnership. This does not always mean 50-50, sometimes one will need or give more then other times, it could be 60-40 or 30-70, but the point is they communicate on it, and it does balance itself. I really believe the main thing though is that partnership, being a team in life, approaching issues as a team, as best friends.

Another thing is not neglecting the relationship with your partner - when you have children, often the focus slides entirely to the kids, I have seen many relationships that ended up troubled in these times. It's remembering that even for your children to be happy, the relationship between the parents must be valued and worked on too.

I think the ability to grow together, while maintaining your individuality is crucial.

Some who stay together long, aren't happy...it's not always a good indicator that the couple is doing it "right" or has a healthy happy relationship. I know some whom are miserable together, and maybe should of parted long ago, before they ever even got married. But I have seen some great long term relationships, and would love to remain part of that group

I completely agree. Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly.

Everyone gets married, thinking it's romantic and the thing to do.

1. Can you and your lover communicate through issues that are bothering you, or do things swing out of control and you have constant arguments and blow ups over trivial things?

2. Do you match personality wise, or are you complete opposites?

3. Do you have similar activities?

4. Do you love to talk to one another?

5. Are you first and foremost, good friends?

I think these things should be considered before taking the plunge, but also when you are dating someone. If you can't get along with the person you love, you might be better off with someone else.

One thing that I learned in a pre-engagement/marriage seminar is that you need to "choose to love" the person in all situations and cirumstances throughout the years. That "in love" phase will only last so long, and eventually the arguments, irritations, etc. will come out. At that time you need to choose to love the person and remain doing whatever you can so that their needs are always ahead of yours.

As my high school chaplain once told me -- "Put your wife on a pedestal".

As I am not married...all I will be doing is telling you of what I have read, seen and heard from others....

I know that in order for one to have any good thing...work must be involved...and mostly hard work.

I know that the key ingredient to a marriage lasting is love...now there are many forms of love though and love is not just some magical thing...love is the result of many things...and once these things are not done, "love" is in jeopardy. As in your case, one of the things that was very important for your gf now ex was for the two of you to be togheter...when you were separated, she found that she could not be with you anymore...so this seperation in essense stopped the love that she felt for you...

Uhm...I will stop as there is a great web site that you can go to...my suggestion is to read through it and to try and work on some of the things presented there now... I hope it helps you out...

link removed

Ive not seen a married couple stay together. My family is broken up. And I just wanted to know what makes couple want to get married and how do they manage to stay together for so long? I think this is the ultimate question in long term relationships. My ex broke up with me. And I just want to understand how do people manage to stay on for so long. I thought that I could stay on and get married with my ex. But it appears that my long distance relationship made her feel that she rather want someone else there for her.

 

I would prefer a married person to give advice but anyone please feel free to contribute.

Well I've only been technically married for 2 years, but I've been committed to my husband for 10 years.

From my personal experience, this is what keeps my marriage strong:

*Constant communication- asking each other how the day was, expressing our feelings, never yelling or disrespecting one another verbally. No nagging, no lectures. If there's an issue or concern, being able to discuss it like mature adults. It's ok to disagree now and then- but we never, ever "fight".

*Shared values. Although opposites attract you have to agree on the big things: like children, finances, responsibility, goals for the future. Both partners need to be equally motivated in life.

*sexual compatability...and keeping it interesting.

*Treating your spouse as your best friend and also protecting your spouse. This means I do not accept people talking bad about him or insulting him and vice versa. For example sometimes his mother will complain about him to me, and I will not engage in that type of discussion with her. We are a team, and I will not let someone put him down. It is disrespectful to me when someone disrespects him. This also mean staying away from people that are envious of your relationship and try to bring you both down. We also talk to each other if there's and issue and not bring too many outside people in. We don't tell our personal business and marriage issues to others.

*The little things. Not letting the monotony of life cause you to forget what's most important. Always showing you care, even in times of stress or chaos. For me that means leaving little cards in his truck or notes in his lunch or surprising him with a sexy outfit. For him it means cuddeling on the couch or giving me a shoulder massage when I've had a bad day. You have to be the person your spouse can come home to and find peace, love, and acceptance, when the rest of the world is not so nice.

*Maintaining your own identity. Although it's important to be a team- you also need time apart and be able to attain personal goals. For instance, I obtained my master's degree while dating my husband, he bought a home and re-modeled it. Those things made us happy- so if I needed to study and couldn't see him that night or he needed to spend time on the house- the other person would not get cranky. We have shared projects, and also things we do on our own. We go out with friends separately now and then, and even take separate trips once in a while with friends or family.

This is what has been successful so far in my 10 year relationship and marriage.

BellaDonna

I really liked what you guys said. It makes sense. And as Im 17, I respect my elder's wise words.

But one thing that I just have to ask. Im sure that not everyone is completely the same. There is probably 1 or 2 things that one dislikes of the other. And this is what I did when I was with my ex.

We would compensate each other. She would accept doing something she didn't like and I would do something I didn't like.

Or I would change for her, but I was happy to do anything to make her happy. Or she would do likewise.

One other thing I never understood in a marriage. If you are married, does that mean that you should have children? Is that one of the main purpose of getting married?

One other thing I never understood in a marriage. If you are married, does that mean that you should have children? Is that one of the main purpose of getting married?

That's totally up the couple. It tends to be a 'hot button' issue because it touches on people's belief systems and religion and stuff like that, but in seriousness it's up to the couple as to whether or not they want to have children.

Oh yes, I forgot to add. But isn't long term-relationships also part of understanding each other?

I think yes, a long term relationship and maybe even living together or at least go on vacations together is essential prior to marriage. I was with my ex of a long time ago for four years. Whenever I'd picture us married, I would get this scary feeling that I would be very unhappy with him. I was unhappy during half of the relationship, and I am glad we decided to break things off before taking steps like living together.

I don't think the purpose of getting married is to have children, but it can be a way to have children in a way that is more practical (in the perspective of legal issues).

I would not have children with a man I can't picture myself to be married with.

Ilse.

People stay together is that they feel like they compliment each other, feel that they belong together and LOVE each other enough to make it work.