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o.O;; i know i haven't posted on here for awhile.. ^^; i was kinda mad at the thingy getting mad at me for having bad words. .. i didn't mean to put them there, they just.. happened.

ok. hafoo..

*tilts head* i have no idea where to begin. hm..

well, my .. friend-type person at school.. heather. she's kind of a weirdo. i'm ok with it, but she's the weirdo that forces herself on everybody.

... k that's making a whole different story. she's.. the kind of weirdo that calls herself a "bible thumper" and tries to convert -everybody- ... even those who have their own respectable religion. she says that anyone who isn't a straight catholic is going to hell. o.O;; now that's .. against many thingies right there, condemning people you don't know and crap. but i don't have much of a problem with her beliefs. (otherwise this would be in religion, not .. glbt thingy.) i have a feeling that she's been praying for me to.. -not- get the 'medicine' i need for .. my.. weirdo-not-being-the-proper-gender-entirely-ness.. and.. yeah. i'm kinda mad at her. i know, most people would file this under "freak labels freak" and push it aside.. hafoo. awells.

that and she's kind of a "blabbermouth" .. ok so that's a quote directly from her. i believe it. i told her once. "please, stop using.. her, she, girl, woman, and other stupid female-y terms around me, when concerning me." or.. something along those lines. it's .. really weird. o.O;; i feel like a freak just putting this.

ok.. maybe it's just my keyboard. i don't .. i feel weird. lol

so she still uses them sometimes, but then .. doesn't sometimes.. and tells everybody that we're talking to.. "oh yeah, and by the way, (me) is a guy." .... people don't need to be told your gender. it's just .. awkward. they stop, they look at me, then at her, then at me again. they blink. "... so..?" being their facial expression. >

big mistake.

now she's even more adamant about keeping me away from my goals. i get depressed, i cut, i sleep in class, i cut class, i get all grouchy at everybody, and they still call me "lady" and "mademoiselle" and make me punch them. does she care? no. she laughs and tells me about her wonderful future going to college in england, and about her wonderful plans about life that i've heard a billion times over and over.. o.o;;

i was hanging around with her, and a couple guys.. just random dudes that like to stand with us. they poke her, i watch. lol i'd say names, but.. i dunno, disclosing names isn't really something i should continue to do. anyways... a girl came by and started talking to us. nice girl, kinda short, pretty blonde hair and a funky laugh. she likes me, she says. niice. lol ^^; i accidentally hit her in the boobs. o.o it really was an accident, i swear. and she gave me her number. o.O;; so yeah, i'm all hyper 'cause.. i'm a loser, and a loner usually. and i got -somebody's- phone number, a pretty girl, nonetheless.

heather.. tells her. she tells her everything. then as i'm walking heather home, she tells the world about her uncomfortable-ness with the whole bit (she talks really loud.. o.O; and i answer with .. vague answers. politician answers, you know the kind. like.. you say what they want to hear, but only if they see it that way.. awells.

not to say i'm straight or anything.. i'm just.. selectively preferring anybody. i guess i've just.. got more to think about than .. stuffs. ^^; i'm weird, to say the least. i like looking at miniskirts. i have a bf. *shrugs* ..

hmms. i'm just wondering what to do with stuff like that. i can't go up to every teacher i have and just ask them "could you please.." and explain my whole predicament 8 times in a year, for 3 years.. and to make matters worse, they'll continue to do that, with "madame" and the "miss" (actually, i once got a "yes ma'am.. or sir. or whatever.." which i found .. infinitely amusing. lol ^^ ... until i finally get the stuff i need. the doctor.. will not give it to me. i asked him at least 8 times now, and every time it's a.. "well, i could give them to you, but i won't." and i'm I----I this close. this.. close... to hitting him. to threatening his children. to threatening suicide. i said loudly as i walked out of his office.. "well, i could always try going the illegal route... or just hang myself.." and he's such an idiot. i could do it, too, and would he care? no. he's got his own little problems that i dont' care about too, i suppose, but.. still. he's got the power to help somebody, and he doesn't. he refuses to. it's against his morals, if you want to call them that. ... hafoo.

alright, so this was all on a monday afternoon. being tuesday night, after i skipped school... yeah. i feel pretty much like.. garbage. i guess i just .. i'm sick of hearing all the wrong pronouns, and .. bah. any suggestions on something a little more.. thorough? >

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Hey gemincer,

 

I am sorry people make things even more difficult for you. I would have expected more from your doctor at least. However, your doctor needs to be very very careful. Is it really his principles that withhold him from referring you to the people you need? Then try to speak to the people you need directly. I assume this concerns sex change?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

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I'm actually fonfused. Are you not comfortable about being a boy? Does people think you're a girl? Please I'm confused.

 

Your post was more or less written like we are updated on your situation. I'm not so please tell me.

 

Thanks

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*nods at first guy*

... ilse..? don't you 'member me? o.o

and mr "fonfused"... ^^; that's an awesome typo. .. i assume it's a typo. o.O;; ... ahem. yes, i'm perfectly comfortable being a boy. yes people think i'm a girl. and as for the update-y ness... well.. i've put a lot here before. ... i was in an odd mood where i couldn't concentrate on stuff at all. o.O;; and.. yeah. so it sorta makes a shred of sense, you see.

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Of course I remember you gemincer

 

How could I forget? I am just a bit puzzled by your message, as I remember you are a guy right, but you have the physique in all aspects of a girl, which would make you transgendered right?

 

I hope you're ok.

 

ilse

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*nods* mhmm. it sucks. it really does.

i'm alright... on weekends. when i'm alone. lol

*huggles*

... and you're puzzled..? hm. .. well, i'm actually -trying- to do something about it all, and nothing's happening. that's.. basically it. that and heather's having the time of her life outing me to random strangers. it's.. embarrassing. to say the least. i can't do anything >

i don't know why i'm laughing about it. *shrugs* better than getting all mad and psycho about it i suppose.

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Hey there Gemincer.

 

Sounds like you definitely have some issues with this Heather. If I was you I probbaly would have hit her by now, but I'm not you

 

Anyways, the thing with your doctor is really quite bad. I believe you should go to another doctor and just ask them to transfer your information to the new doctor. If you want to do something and this doctor says no, then all you have left to do is to change doctors.

 

Also, I'm in the same position as UT. I haven't been updated at all because this is actually the first time I've seen your name. It would be great to hear more

 

Good luck, and if you need to talk to someone you can PM me or talk to me on yahoo.

 

Sappho...

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Hey Sapphos,

 

Gemincer had another name before, but you can read all messages (also the older ones) by looking in his profile.

 

Gemincer, I am with Sapphos actually on the part about the doctor. His duty is to help you apart from his own sets of beliefs, so if he objects because of personal morals, he should simply refer you to someone that doesn't.

 

I used to feel the same in the weekends, when people were giving me a hard time in the beginning. I came home crying every day. It was the same in primary school, but that is ages ago. Please realize that people do mature and teasing will be less when you get older. You will grow stronger and realize that people who still tease and bully are probably persons with bigger issues than yourself.

 

A friend of mine is now in the process of becoming a woman. He is in his fifties and has lived with his secret for years and years. I understand that even the teasing and staring in the streets is not as bad as NOT having his sex change. He'd rather be bullied all the time than live one more day as a man.

 

I hope someone will reach out for you, someone who can help you in more (practical) ways than we do.

 

How about your parents? Have you told them?

 

hugs,

 

Ilse.

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besides getting a new doctor you could try and find groups in you nearby area who will understand you and might have already experianced it themselves. you need support, not judgment.

 

it's sad that you like the weekends because then you're alone and thus you're not being teased. friends shouldn't try to break you or make you feel bad. they should support you and respect the choices you make.

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How about your parents? Have you told them?

 

i told my mom before, i think i put this already.. o.O;; i dunno. but anyway.

i told my mom, and she kept asking why, and saying she was a bad parent, and asking me if i could just live with it. "just do it to make me happy" she says. she actually thought i should completely dedicate my life to her. o.O;; weird. i mean, she gave birth to me. yay. people go through worse pain than that all the time. >

now it's all like.. you don't say anything about it, nothing's wrong.. yeah. the people are ignoring it. she refuses to buy me stuff like certain shirts or clothings or products or stuff just because apparently i'm not supposed to. ...whatever that means. hafoo..

 

they should support you and respect the choices you make.

 

they should shouldn't they? heh.. she went on my computer today.. after inviting herself over yesterday.. >

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o-o;; interesting development.. heather's friend anna was over too, i... am not sure if i mentioned her at all. she's cute. .. o.o really really flirty.

probably not the best idea to invite her to sleep over. .. nuu. lol

my mom's ok with it, obviously. "they're both girls after all"

.... but anna let me touch.. ok, she put my hand on her boob. lol

>

*stares at hand* ....*blinks* ok.

so it was more like.. a half hour ago. creepy. i gave her some jewelery, and she really likes a ring with pretty jewels on it.. i was joking and told her to put it on her left hand ring finger, and to tell people she was engaged. ... she did. lol

i meant for the lunch hour, or maybe the afternoon, not for the week or more. o.O;; hmms.. she was playing with my hair earlier.. i told her i liked my hair, she said she liked my hair too. o.O;; so she plays with it, puts my face into her ..er.. chest.. it was awkward for me, to say the least. me, who's never had anything like that except what i'd really really really like to forget.. >

i just can't sleep in the same bed as anna. >

too close. not lying down. lol >

hmm.

i keep trying to at least slow her down, or make excuses, mostly beginning with "but you have a boyfriend. and another dude that you go out with that you call your boyfriend. ^^;" and she says that i'm her boyfriend too. aww. how sweet.

i swear, the Offspring song "self esteem" completely fits with the situation. i doubt i'll have to post lyrics.. it's .. pretty well known.

i was just trying to get over the whole thing with anna, and she does something crazy like this. >

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I am following your story and I will keep on following it in the suicide section too. People care, people read. I just haven't had a good reply.

Whatever you do don't commit suicide. That's such a waste of talent, personality, skill. Even if YOU don't think you are special, you are. We all are. It's okay to feel a little beaten down sometimes. Keep in mind. People care, people want to help. It is not always that we can, but it doesn't mean we don't care.

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>

but hacking up klingon proverbs all night with only two hours seeps and lots of exhaustion isn't cool. nopes.

that and people everywhere said i couldn't cut anymore.. even if they don't care about the rest of the aspects of my life, they say i can't cut. fine enough, my mom freaks whenever i did that anyway. .. but wrist-banging is really not much better. >

my sister finally received that stuff i was going to send her. she said she cried at the necklaces, how pretty they were.. that made me happy ^^ .. and then she had to go spoil it by asking if she could phone. blarg. if only i could just.. get a spine and tell her she can't phone because my voice is all.. bah. i hate it. it doesn't sound like me, especially now that i'm sick. it's like i'm losing bits and pieces of who i really am.. o.O;; then i realize that i never had those bits and pieces to begin with. it's like being told you don't have arms growing out the sides of your head, then going to a place where everyone has arms on their heads. you tend to notice. they don't see that, to them everyone has arms on their heads, and they don't bother looking at you, because they take it for granted that..

peh.

it's the flu talking. lol

i doubt i'd commit suicide unless it were for the goot of all mankind though. my religion forbids it, my own concience forbids it.. it's all a big no no anyway. that and i don't think i have the guts to do myself in anyway, so it's no biggie. i'm a chicken. ^^;

a chicken that's a waste of air, flesh, resources and manpower and money.. but then, somebody has to make everybody miserable and weird them out, might as well be me, right?

hafoo..

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  • 3 weeks later...

today's me and my jesse's 4th monthaversary. lol >

i want to be -with- him for these.. >

*evil creepy sarcastic voice* ... but i -can't- ... 'cause -somebody- won't -give me- my -stuffs- ... *pouts*

...can't even phone him. hafoo.

i didn't mean for this all to happen again, i was only looking for buddies. honest. but... i'm so happy it did. it's like.. a hollow victory. it's...bittersweet, really. ...not meaning to be poetic. lol

*pouts more* he makes me happy. and not the 'happy' that i had with mikey.. happy like.. ecstatic happy. like every day i spend with him is the best day i've ever had, kinda happy.. awws. lol

doesn't help that my mom told me she was sick of me today. not sick of what i do, not sick of how i might act.. but sick of me. ...-me- ... she doesn't even -know- me. she doesn't like me, anyway, it was inevitable that she'd say something like that sometime. i'm glad she's going to saskatchewan tomorrow.. won't see her for a day.. that should help. to spite her i put my stuff all in neat little places in my room, so to make for easy packing.. i want to move as soon as i possibly can. the june after this coming up june, i say. *nods* ... not too close, but still.

it just looks like i got mad and cleaned my room to calm down. but that's not the case. lol >

hmms..

.. i went into claire's today. *shakes head* it was silly in there. i just wanted to look at all the shiny things. i was bored. ... people all stare at me.. the only (dressed all in) black thing in a bright pink store.. lol ..

some silly little girls tried to look cool by swearing too much and talking about how much they flirted and how many guys this and blah blah blah.. then the other one said something about can't wait 'till she's 16. i'm all ..0-0;;

i glance around the store.. "this is so.. straight." the other girl picks something up.."this is so gay!" ..'course, i was just having fun with stuffs people were talking about online. i'm sure hers was mainstream. lol mine's .. 'net couture. ^^;

..and i found out i'm actually pretty goot at playing starwars battlefront. darth maul and the ... .. the.. darn. the big battle droid, whatever he's called. those are the best. ^^;

... always finds a way to be happy when he's not happy. bah. lol every now and then.. i try to find something that i've done today to make heather small proud. lol.. ^^; i heart that qaf final season cd. it's my happy-making dancy cd. ... the only season i've actually seen. man that's a goot show.

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I'm glad you posted here again. Although it looks pretty bad right now I'm sure it will work out. Just hold on to that love of yours. Your mother did wrong by saying she was sick of you. One should never call a child that. It okay to get angry and beaten down but you don't tell a child, even less your own child that you're sick of him. It's devastating.

 

It’s good to hear that you aren't thinking about committing suicide. Doing that is not bold, it's only an easy way out and staying alive is bolder than committing suicide. You are bold. You are able to be out and follow you feelings and not only follow the stream. You are able to be show that you are, I'm not. You are braver than me.

 

You talk about what's happening in your life but I would like to know how you feel. how you are doing.

 

I'm jealous in a way, I want a bf too although can't get one unlit everyone knows I'm gay. But then you said you couldn't talk to him. Could you tell me more? How did you meet him and how did your relationship progress?

 

(I won't be here tomorrow. I'm off to a cousin’s birthday, she is turning one.)

 

I hope thing are getting better. Don’t give up. You are not alone. If you feel the need to, you can always pm or mail me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i'm.. ok i guess. bad day, but pretty goot. stupid woman had us all take family pictures. she's like "but you can't wear that shirt, you have to buy a new one." and she tried to make me wear something really .. i dunno. girly. that's all i can really say for it. i didn't want to wear it, it looked stupid girly. not fashionable girly, but.. really stupid. at least on me it would have been. i told her i wouldn't wear anything out of the women's section, so she threw a fit and said i had attitude and that i was this and that.. >

i can't talk to my pwetties 'cause... i don't have the stuff yet. and i sound weird. he lives in australia.. so i can't just waltz over for a visit. ^^; and .. i haven't exactly told him about my ..er.. condition. i meant to, it was on my profile, but.. i didn't have the heart to explain anything that night.. and i didn't mean to pick him up like that, like i said, i just needed somebody to talk to.. i said he was cool, and it just kinda.. went from there. (this was all online, so i wouldn't feel -too- jealous if i were you.) i mean honestly, i was having a bad day at school with all the pronouns and weirdos and teachers that hate me and such, then i go into a chatroom looking for a friend to just.. talk to about stuffs, and i found one. then he just.. suddenly turned into more of a friend than a friend. o.O and not in the sick.. cyber way. no. none of that. hafoo. i was having fun talking to him, and just when i wasn't quite getting to it.. some random person in the main box was all shouting and stuffs and yelled "what's ftm" ... i hid under my desk.

and for those who chat a lot, you know how fast these conversations can go. you leave for a few seconds and you're bombarded with questions. "where did you go? why did you leave? answer me! i can't see you!" and so on. i took it off of my profile, said i didn't remember and that it was old when i put it there... and never touched upon that subject since.. >

(i know this doesn't make much sense, my brain's all over the place right now..)

now though, i don't go into chatrooms often, and when i do, it's only for a few minutes, then i get bored. jesse is... well.. he's a teenager. he's got a life. he works, goes out with his friends, has a youth group thingy, does well in school.. life seems to be really great for him. -i'm- rather jealous sometimes. i mean, everybody has their problems, but.. man. i guess i'd just ... everything would just be so much better if i lived there, if i was born the correct frelling gender, and if.. he didn't call himself a .. bad word. all the time. *pouts*

o.o off topic much? awells.

still alright.. still fragile and happy.. everythings ok. it's peachy. i haven't heard from him all week, so .. being the obsessive weird maniac that i am, i get depressed and go off on these weird angry times and wrist-banging sessions that don't even end in the bruises i want... o.O;; (he told me i couldn't cut, i listen. *nods* although.. i've always looked for loopholes.)

 

... no more flu-ish ness. i'm healthy as a ...a.. marsh..mallow. yeah.

 

i suppose most of my stress lately is on all the stuff that i've had to do lately.. with passports and status card and social insurance number and everything else that requires the name and gender on my birth certificate. yeah, it tends to make me mad. i think it'd make anybody go a little nuts, having something that touchy shoved in your face all the time.. >

hafoo.

hopefully things will all go numb and oblivious again this week. make things go back to semi-normal at least..

i suppose it's pretty goot, though.. other than traveling worries and all the usual bad stuffs.. everything's peachy. wow. does it hurt to force optimism into everything? yes. quite often, yes. but it's a habit now, so it's cool. lol >

*koff koff*

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  • 3 weeks later...

you're such cool people. -^^- thanks for talking to me..

(i have no reason to post a new topic, there's really no new topic for me, it's all one huge topic. so ... yeah. hope this is allowed. o-o )

but really, with the cool people thing.. it's like the people i see offline aren't real people, sometimes, with their facades and their weird closed minds.. online is where the people are.. at least that's how it'll be 'till i move. i should just pack and keep my stuff all in boxes. ... nah. it's nice having it out.

 

hmm..

 

i'm really grateful that there's people out there that care.. it's nice to know. i think it's also nice to know that .. people appreciate your kindness. so.. i'm telling you. ^^; tank you.

i made this paper thing today for heather.. she's being a little bit .. um.. snappy around people.. self-centered.. you know, like in the movies, when some chick has a crush on somebody then that person doesn't like them.. i suppose i shouldn't call it that, but.. i suppose it's just my view on things..? >

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Anytime, I'm glad I could help. There are a lot of people out there who cares. Not only in the Internet but also around you the problem is the find then. They’re not really walking around with a sign (although that would have been nice). It is good to know that your kindness is appreciated but this is just who I and many others here on eNotAlone are. Helping someone is a huge satisfaction and it makes you feel good about yourself. (One could say that helping others is kind of selfish. he he.)

 

Heather, if she can't accept you and love you for whom you are and if she isn't even making an effort to understand you then I don't see the point in being around her. She will only make you feel bad about yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. She’s only narrow-minded. Hang around people who will accept you for who you are. I'm always with the "geeks" of the class and it's wonderful. We don't really have a desire to be "liked". "We're proud to be Geeks." Be who you are and say what you feel. Be proud of who you are. There are people who will like you for just that. Don't settle for anything less than respect and happiness.

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  • 2 weeks later...

blarg.. >

i think the problem is just that.. once i tell people just how weird i am, in what way, they.. get completely weirded out. they go *woosh* and blink. they look at me funny. and i'm no longer human to them.

hafoo.

most times i'm not even human to myself anymore.. not that it's a big loss. i've never had a liking of humanity in general, but some parts of it are really really cool. hmm.

i'd hang around with nancy..(i call him nancy. i don't usually remember his actual name. not .. because he's like a nancy, but because.. i just called him nancy one day.) but he's the type of person that if you spend too much time talking to him, he wonders why he's there, finds a reason to go, and leaves. he's .. not a people person. and he doesn't like showing his cuttings to people, but tells them all about it. i think he secretly wants attention, but finds all the wrong kind..? i dunno. his problems, not mine. not that he'd want my help if i tried. heather's just a person i follow around, even though she's really really fast.. o.o and if it weren't for her, i would still be wondering what it'd be like being actively straight or bi or something. i -detest- any physical contact with anna now. yay. lol >

.. that may or may not have come out wrong. lol

hafoo.

well this is a nothing post.

to sum things up.. i'm lonely. lol awws.. >

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Hmm... What's weird to some is normal to others. I know a guy who is somewhat like you. Bizarrely open, can talk about anything, says hello to anyone although he doesn't hug random persons. He has a girlfriend. However, I tend to like that personality. I like weird and am drawn to weird in a way.

 

I can see how you're lonely and that's sad. You shouldn't be because you aren't alone, you know? There are thousands out there with the same problems as you. You could try and find people like yourself on the net. There are several and it's sometimes nice to be able to talk to people who definitely understands your situation, who themselves are in it. It’s like finding a best friend who totally knows what you're talking about and knows exactly what he's talking about when trying to help you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i've been worrying about coming things... like when i go to france, what do i do with a room full of girls? o.o;; or in january, when i actually -get- my .. erm.. medicine.. in school, do i just stop talking, or fake a higher voice..? >

ok now i'm just adding non-essentials. it's a bad habit. gleep. >

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