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My Abusive Girlfriend. Both mental and physcial


eddie500

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Its funny to actually admit that I'm in a abusive relationship and I'm the man. Both mentally and physically do I get abused. This is a sad state here and I can't believe my life at this moment! I can't believe I fell tihs low to deal with an abuse from a women. I'm such a loser to put up with this. We have been together now 3 months.

 

 

I didn't realize it was so bad until I was talking with a family member about this girl and telling him about all the incidents I'm having with this girl. ANd he told me your in a abusive relationship, and girls can be abusive also.

 

Yes I realized the situation was bad when I now wear a sacr on my chest from one of her attacks.. but I just thought it was a heat of the moment attack. I always told myself that the situation is workable that it will get better.. but it hasn't, she has gotten worse and crazier.

 

But its not so much the physcial attacks as much as the mental abuse that is bad. She tries to totally control me and in a sense does. Its so bad I bascially can't even say much without her (NOt yelling but talking to me like I'm a student or her child) at me, so I have to limit what I want to say. SHe is constantly nagging, blaming me for everything.

She treats me like I'm a baby, she forces me to eat food I don't like etc. I actually started sitting on the toilet seat to piss! Am I a man here or a child? I can't believe that I can't even be myself anymore, I'm not even allowed to be cheap (its that I don't have money)! She calls me a child all the time, always putting me down someway. Get this, I'm not even allowed to feel sorry for myself. ONce I was telling her that I'm in a bad situation now and she said "STOP feeling sorry for yourself" in a way that she didn't want to hear anything or here me feeling sorry for myself.

 

The best of all is that when I try to be affectoinate she now says to me "is this for me or for you"? What kind of BULLSH*T is that, is this for me or for you? She then says "stop gropping me". Its rediculous becuase I'm totally not touching her in a way or a place that would be considered groping.

 

SEX? well I have to admit getting sex now is very difficult, If I want to get sex I bascially have to keep my mouth SHUT, think before every sentence I say becuase If I say the wrong thing that could mean the end of it. LIke here are some things I've said that just got her totally pissed and her telling me I ruined the day.

 

IN a movie I said at the end "I hate when the jury awards bit settlements" (I was being negative with this comment and ruined hte afternood"

 

I once said becuase we had to use up a lot of butter "if you make me a sandwhich don't put a lot of butter on it as I don't like it" (she accused me of accusing her of doing something she never did, she says did I ever make you a sandwhich with too much butter, this ruined the day)

 

Like any thing I say could potentially lead to her getting all pissed off.

 

Just look at some of the crazyness I have to deal with, just last night I spent the whole day acting really nice, keeping my mouth shut not trying to stick up for myself just to get laid.. as its been 5 days. So we finally get down to business we have our foreplay and she orgasmed.. she then tells me she is not in the mood and to tired to have sex, she doesn't want it. THis is right after I spent 15 minutes pleasuring her.. THis got me so mad I finally let my anger out at her I told her "your are FU*KING CRAZY" What the FUK is wrong with you, how could you do this. I was so mad this was finally it for me. We did have sex, but only after she gabbed me put me on top of her and said GO..

 

OK, the situation is probably worse then I can even write here.. IT seemed to get worse when I moved in with her temporarily.. for the next couple months. Maybe she has more power over me and she exerts it. I knew she was a bit crazy before I moved in with her.

 

You would think she just hates me, that is what I think also.. but I've told her many times I'm not here to make your life miserable.. just tell me to go and I'll go.. I even tell her when do you expect to break up with me. All she says is "I told you I want to stay with you". How could she want to stay with me if she treats me like she hates me. SHe doesn't like to discuss these matters.. and if I bring them up gets mad. She was trying to strangle me when I was telling her I've lost her.

 

The Truth is, I'm scared of her. I have to admit that I'm afraid to go to the bathroom at night becuase she will get pissed at me if I wake her.. Could you believe that I could be afraid of a girl.. a girl that I have only been with 3 months and have no kids/ marriage or ties with. HOw much of a loser can I be. A good comparison to how I feel is that I had a boss who was very nasty.. I needed the money (it paid so nicely) so I put up with her and her abuse.. and I knew it was only a temporary job, but I was always sacred of getting yelled at and doing somthing wrong.. and I did get yelled at a lot by this boss.. so did the other workers and customers it was just a bitter old women. But I feel like this with my girlfriend. This is just absurd!

 

SO right now I'm stuck in Japan with this girl, (she is not japaneese) and I can't easily leave until beginning of December.

 

Yes i do love this girl. And I'm also probably a bit worried about leaving the relationship and having to deal with finding a new girl.. but I know this is what i'm going to have to do. I also think maybe she will get better or things will get just somewhat normal.

 

I'm totally lost at what I should do. SHould I just pay a lot of money and leave my situation? SHould I just not say anything and put up with the crap until the beginning of december. SHould i tell her that I think she is being absive and that I'm going to leave?

 

But something else thats crazy.. I think I do love her, but I can say that if something bad happened to her I would think she deserved it. I guess this is resentment building huh?

 

 

And the most important questoin is, Why would this girl be like this? How could she be so abbusive?

what should I do?

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Why do we do this to ourselves...gee, I can write a history of mentally/emotionally abusive people- not just relationships, but family too, yet we still love them!

 

To the outside it makes no sense, but they have all the control in the relationship. They manipulate you & put you down to the point that if they accept you (basic human quality), you feel "worthy" or something.

 

It's easier said than done to just leave- true, it's easier to stay for some odd reason. Just ask yourself this- What are you getting out of being with this woman. Read your post again, buddy, you're getting the raw end of the deal. maybe you are just like the rest of us who can be need & have low self esteem- nobody can get out but, you- please talk to someone you trust or a professional- you are not crazy, however, the fact that you are aware of her mistreatment & you stay says something about you. Just hang in there...everyone here will give the best advice they can, its up to you to make a move.

 

If only I could take the advice I give. Oh well...best of luck.

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Do not feel ashamed that you are the man in this situation. I know a lot of men perceive that men should not be abused, but the reality is a lot of men are, it is society that does not allow them to voice themselves.

 

My first reaction was "Holy Crap", this girl is crazy and I believe she is. She definitely has control issues and whether that has to do with her upbringing or not, she is someone that should be carefully handled. I definitely think you need to end it with her, but considering where you are when you do it is going to be tricky.

 

Is the reason you are in Japan worth having to stick it out until Dec.? If it is financial reasons and it is going to cost a lot to go home, you obviously have a lot of weighing to do. If at all possible can you stay, but not live with her?

 

You really do need to end this relationship. You may love her, but the question to you then, why? What are you gaining by her treating you this way. Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the toughest thing to do, but you are really going to have to sit down and think about why you would want to be treated like this, not to mention it is so early in the relationship she is showing her true (or maybe not ) colors....she could actually get worse as the relationship progresses. Please Eddie, reconsider your feelings for this girl and get out. Choose a time that is safe for you and do not give her a heads up it's coming.

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Good lord. I really dont see how you put up with all of that. Its absolutely crazy. YOU ARENT AT FAULT. You seem like the ideal guy. Im sure you could find another woman, there are MANY MANY MANY of them out there. My boyfriend was kinda sorta like that, and I got him to change, and now he is GREAT to me. See if you can get her to change. Scare her, break off the relationship...see if she is wanting to change, if not...PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT OF THERE...thats what I think anyways.

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I think the two of you need to have a long serious talk about your relationship with each other. She sounds controlling and mentally unstable because of what she has put you through. No one should be subjected to what you are experiencing in your current relationship.

 

You need to think and ask yourself what you see in your current g/f. You don't sound happy being with her, but yet you stated that you love her. Do you want to be with someone that you can't even state your opinion because you worry that they will get mad at you? Thats not right because a relationship is 50/50, not 100/0 which is you in your case.

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Trust me, this isn't worth pursuing. You've only dated her 3 months! It is only going to go downhill from here, I guarantee that.

 

I wouldn't say anything, just up and leave and never talk to her again.

She isn't going to get better, she isn't going to change. I know, I've been there. I tried for years to 'help' my abusive ex and it only destroyed me in the long run.

 

Don't waste your time. You've only dated 3 months, just ditch this nonesense and find someone who will care about you.

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i totally agree with Itsok, its not worth going thru more abuse. seriously when u get a new girl you'll relise what you were missing, also if you break up with her she will notice how good she had it, and hopfully change.

 

u sound like a nice bloke and u deserve better,If i were you i would risk it and just leave.

good luck and take care.

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Here here!!...after my Ex and I split, and I started NC..i continue to realize how I too was abused by her...see if these scenarios are in your relationship..I'm not sure all of these signs are "abuse" but I know some certainly are:

 

1. Constant sarcasm, in private and in public. And then claims that she walks on egg-shells around me because I react. I have asked her to stop many times, and finally she did..but now feels she can't say anything around me.

 

2. Witholding acknowledgement: I proudly bought her many romantic things, and when she shows things to friends or tells them about it..she tells them its such a great gift but fails to tell them where it came from...even to the point she says she bought it.

 

3. Wihtholding affection: Tells you that she doesn't want to touch your arm or cuddle because it might lead to something. Then at social settings, she has no problem with her hands on others guys arms.

 

4. Withholding affection : Yup..been there...waited and waited and been patient for months. Upon bringing up the subject, her response is "let it just happen"..it doesn't despite my romantic advances of dinners, rose petals in a hot bath, roses, flowers from the garden, full body massages etc etc

 

5. Greeting me at home: As I walk in the door to return to my "happy" home and the woman I love..I greet her as I walk in the door and she's absolutely pissed off..not at me..but just because she's had a bad day. Perhaps 20 minutes later as she greets other people at the local hockey rink are accompanied by a huge smile, grin and joyous hello.

 

6. As we approach bedtime, she decides that there's something wrong with her physically and begins to moan as she gets into bed. This lasts until she falls asleep. Upon waking she begins the moaning routine until she's safely downstairs preparing the kids lunch...where it miraculously stops.

 

7.Ignoring me at social events. As we mingle, I might just return to her and start to chat with her..she ignores me and turns her head..claiming that we can talk later.

 

8. Robotic Sex: Attempts to pull me on top of her when she proclaims that I can "stick it in" tonight. I protest and tell her that this is not the way I'd like to do this..foreplay, kissing anything else to start things off. She responds with "well..I'm not up to it..do it now or never".

 

9. Pushes me away when I hug her. Never kisses at all. I mean - never.

 

10. Proclaims that the kids "need" things, and that it is clearly a "want". Will get mad at me, and thereforeeee refrian from any closeness if I don't purchase the "need"...I'm the breadwinner because she woouldn't find serious employment.

 

11. Any suggestion that I give her on anything is immediately followed with a scowl and "you're tryign to control me..every man I've had inmy life has controlled me". You can imagine how our problem solving transpired.

 

12. Upon showing her a potential job opportunity in the paper, she would look at me and say "You know, the more and more you show me those, the less and less I want to get a job" even though we were up to our gills in debt.

 

13. Finally..never went on vacation alone together amid promises of next time well go alone. When our time comes, she states that this is the last time she'll have a chance to go with the kids...and promises again. The cylce repeats itself.

 

 

I'm sure I'l uncover more. Even today she still belittles me. We chatted the other night and she was having "movie night" with the kids and friends at my unsold house. I told her I really miss movie night..and she responds with "well..we didn't have it THAT often". Ouch.

 

 

This type of bevahiour is unacceptable and non deserved.

 

Realize that you matter! Take a very close look at your relationship.

 

I put up with it for too long because like my mother, I desperately wanted to maintain the family unit and was willing to sacrifice my identity and dignity for it. Wrong!

 

I've learnt and I'm glad I'm out.

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I just noticed your post, had been away for a bit, though I could give you some advice, if that is ok?

 

definitely leave her, believe me it will better off for both of you in the long run. I know this is hard, but in the end she might even thank you for leaving her, some people just need to learn lessons the hard way! I this because I am one of those people. I hope my ex knows how much she helped me, by kicking me to the curb!

 

Be sure you tell her why you are leaving her, maybe then you can feel like you got all your say in before you left, and maybe she will realize how she was being to you.

 

As for why she is likes that, some people have been through terrible things and instead of dealing with it and moving on, they hold it inside and they lash out at other people, it is not your fault, and it is not up to you to fix her, she must do this herself, there is only so much a person can do to help someone else after that if they don't help themselves then it is time to leave them to their own devices. You should leave her, and you never know, maybe one day years later you may meet up again and maybe she will have changed, but don't plan on it, just live you life for you! I know it may be hard right now, but you will be doing yourself, a favour and if you really love someone, sometimes you have to let them go!

 

Hope I helped a bit!

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I find it quite amazing how similiar your situation was as mine.

 

I love my girl too...very deeply..but realized that the relationship was not healthy...I was was too caught up in the emotions to end it. She ended it for me..claiming that I made her sick. (She was sick before I met her)

 

She too has been through terrible events in her youth, and had not dealt with anything from there. She continued to keep her emotions inside and lashed out only at those she was close too..myself and the kids.

 

We did go to a marriage councellor one day...and very quickly the councellor told her that in order for out relationship to survive..SHE has to get fixed first. No progress was made for 18 months..and she ended it because she was so unhappy...blaming me.

 

Sometimes there's just too many obstacles to tackle...would ya rather be together and unhappy, or happy by yourself? Don't forget you can't fix them either.

 

There's other beautiful women out there (now being single I now know and have met some very lovely ladies) and you deserve to be treated with respect. Turn your experience with her into a positive learning experience, and move on.

 

Maybe the experience may force her to seek councelling. Take your space and in time maybe in the future she'll have fixed some of her issues and you can start anew. But get out and enjoy life..it's too short.

 

Goodluck

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Thanks everybody so far.. everybody made a lot of good points. This girl did have a troubled past also.. Some unfortunate event too when she was younger.

 

Yoley.. I have to admit that I'm amazed how close your situation is to mine. LIke a lot of those points.. And I get the robotic sex also! yoley, I have to amit that these girls just don't love us and are not attracted by us anymore.. thats the sad truth we have to understand. I've been watching her mood with other new people.. and I hate to admit it but she turns into a different person when talking to other people especially new guys that I know she is attracted to.

 

 

I get the constant sarcasm.. I say its constant complaining and bit#ching about me. I do everything wrong, I'm cheap, I'm this and I'm that..

I have the withholding affection now, she was not like that before but now she is never affectionate towards me, she never initiates any affection and now even says stuff like, "leave me alone" and "get off me" and "is this for you or for me".. what the heck is up with that! These girls just hate us.. would they tell Brad Pitt to get off them.

 

I have to say that the Greeting me at home is also my problem.. she is never really happy to see me when we meet.. always nasty and in a bad mood. SHe complains about work and how its making her miserable.. Our presense of course doens't make them happy.. even though their presense would make us happy. And yes meeting other people she gets totally happy and is in a lively mood.

 

LOL, I love it the Robotic Sex. I've talked about this in my last post. Just today ater acting really nice.. taking her abuse and not defending myself so she didn't have anything to use against me... I said how about we have an hour tonight together.. She then proceeded to say "I don't think I want to have sex tonight" Me being totally sexually frustrated and totally mad held in the anger and just walked away calmly.. she must of noticed I was mad and came to me and said "your not mad now" and started to say I'm pressureing her into sex.. even though we didn't have it in days.

I told her "yeah I'm not going to be happy that you won't have sex with me" That escalated into me telling her about how bad she is treating me.. she then bascially says come on have sex just "stick it in" This isn't the first she did this, she has done this before.

 

LOL, pushes me away .. I always get pushed away now when I hug or go to kiss her. I talked about this above.

 

I don't have kids with her "THANK GOD" but she aways gets on my case about that I'm not bringing her out or doing enough for her. LIke she even says that I won't give you sex or want to bascially be affectionate when you hever take me our or do anything.. Same as you about holding away closeness...

 

HOLY CRAP and another similarity.. SHe always says I'm trying to control her! WIth anny suggestion I make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am totally not trying to control her its totally a suggestion and I even make sure to say it in a way that won't seem controlling. Even though she tries to control me in every way!!!!!!!! Totally crazy. I hear you forget about problem solving!!

We can't work anything out.. For example to see how rediculous she is I said once "I'd like to have at least a say in ways we spend money in our future" SHe right away started with "your trying to control me" AHHHHH..

 

Well I don't show her job opportunities because luckily she has one.. even though she says she doesn't want to work and I be the sole provider.. But if I mention anything about sex to her she will say "the more you pressure me the less I want ot have it" I'm not pressureing her.. I'm just trying to know nicely if I can expect to have sex or if I hate to take matters into my own hands. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 

LUckily for me I don't have kids!!!!!!! But I"m in a temporrary positoin becuase I'm stuck living with her for the time being. But I could only imagine if we had kids!!!!! T

 

But yoley.. I"d like to hear more from you.. becuase it seems that our situations are exactly the same... Could you tell me more about hte personality of the girl.. like is she smart? outgoing? Maybe some more on how she treats you...

 

Did you ever fall out of love with your EX? If you didn't have kids would ou of walked away from her.. or did your love for her keep you together.

 

ALso. how was the sex with her? DId you feel sexually frustrated.. did she hold back sex a lot? Was the sex good for the little you had?

 

Thanks.

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eddie500,

 

it is amazing how similiar things are.

 

As for personalities...she's ADHD, never finished high school and has always felt inferior to her more accomplished sisters. Naturally with me, she also feels inferior..I have some university education and she believes that I'm very smart (although I consider myself to be quite normal on the intelligence scale). She does have very low self esteem and accuses me of constantly taking over conversations that we may be involved in with other people. I don't listen to her, I talk down to her etc etc. Not true! I did admire her for whats she's done (I was constantly tryign to pump her self esteem) and I though I always treated her as an equal. At time though, I think I should hav eshut my mouth when I saw she was doing somethign wrong.

 

Her personality does change considerably between me and someone else...even in a matter of seconds. For a while I was wondering about a type of personality disorder...but in the end , I think it was just that with me..she felt she needed to show her daily bitterness, but with others of course, that would be wrong to exhibit those negative feelings.

 

For me..she WORKED at home in her home office..so unforunately, by the time I got home..the kids have already been home for a couple of hours and bugged the hell out of her in the office..I was just the target she needed to throw her anger at...because she couldn't throw it at the kids.

 

The same with me about the preannouncing her lack of interest in sex. I would say lets just spend some time together tonight , in the back yard with a bottle of wine, she would respond with sure that would be nice, but I don't want sex tonight.

 

I never had kids with her either...her kids are from her marriage. And yes..thank god!!! My friends all think I got off quite lucky..we weren't married and never had kids together.

 

Yes..control was a common theme. I've come to realize however that every relationship she's had, not only has the male tried to control her, but she tried to control them in return. Something she's learnt from her controlling father. Then I came along and she had problem with me just letting her be, and not controlling her. She even mentioned it to friends that she didn't know how to respond to my kindness, and con-controllling way.

 

I think what happeneded however, when she didn't get her way with how we were providing for the kids, or other issues, she responded with the only way she knew how...control, manipulation and guilt.

 

Pressuring for sex...not really pressuring...my tact was always subtle..always romantic..along with the nightly massage.. We talk for hours and hours on the issue..and the more we talked to more I learnt about her past. She is now in physcotherapy for her childhood issues..but unfortunately, its too late for us.

 

Despite everything though, I never fell out of love with her. I was indeed frustrated..and at times I shut down emoitonally. I think at one point I had a break down because I knew this "family" I had embraced as my own was slipping away. I had a strong desire to keep the fmaily going..but it was inevitable, we got into a spiral and one wayor another it was going to end.

 

We did see a couples consellor once..and she quickly determined that before we can fix our problems, my Ex has to fix her own. After which, she really didn't pursue any meaningful councelling.

 

Yes...she held back sex constantly, but I'm sure she had her reasons. Either the past was preventing her from opening up romatically, or she was just so stressed out from life that sex was not an option. She's had breakdowns and during those breakdowns she was crying that she just wanted everythign to go away.

 

As for the sex itself..in our 4 year relationship..the sex in the first year was quite good..but I could see issues there even then. After that, things went downhill and the sex was very very bad. She didn't put any heart or energy into it...and like I said, it was months betwen episodes.

 

(Girlfriends I've had in the past ..one very long term..were quite happy with my performance in the bedroom, including the new girl I'm seeing).

 

The killer thing was she has a awesome body (Pam Anderson ish - no kidding!) and she used to walk around the bedroom in a thong and bra..I used to chase her for fun and she'd laugh. But when it came to anything physical..there was complete shutdown! I've done full body massages for her, poured a bath with bubbles and candles etc, cooked dinners, victoria secret stuff all the time..all nice, but anything physical was just out of the question.

 

Imagine how I felt when she'd wear a very short skirt to the local soccer field and open up to the other fathers, who would fall all over her. I felt so small.

 

In the end though..I became more jealous, I got impatient, I stopped doing things for her, and stopped buying her presents and such. Hoping that maybe she'd show an effort in saving us, but it was too late. Other things in her life just swamped us (death, job, health etc etc) and her reaction was to start her life over again.

 

Finally and I'm not sure what it means but she never kissed me. Peck on the cheek yes. But hated kissing.

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My ex also told me that I was posessive and controlling. When we would argue, I would ask her to not be mad at me. She replied "dont tell me what to do". Or I would make a comment on "lets clean your car tomorrow" and she would yell at me saying that she will clean her car when she wants to.

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Just to sum up what happened.. I finally got dumped.. a couple days ago so I will be leaving tomorrow.. have arrangments and everything.

 

I don't want revenge or anything any more.. and actually after finally getting dumped we kind of get along better now.. She is finally treating me nicely believe it or not. We even had sex.

So I will leave with no feelings of hate or revenge.

 

What took her to finally do it was I didn't ask her to come with me when I went for a short walk outside.. I didn't do it to spite her its that I actually thought its best if we spend time apart. For what ever reason this just drove her crazy and she dumped me.

 

maybe a day later is when we started to get along really well.. she doesn't want me back and I'm totally OK with it.. I know it can't work with us.

 

I just wonder if she is acting really nice now becuase she wants me to leave under good terms.. so that maybe I'll feel bad about not being with her. Which I doubt is the reason.. But why would we get along the best in 3 weeks after she dumped me and know that I am definitlely leaving becuae I have a paid plane ticket?

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  • 1 year later...

"SEX? well I have to admit getting sex now is very difficult, If I want to get sex I bascially have to keep my mouth SHUT, think before every sentence I say becuase If I say the wrong thing that could mean the end of it. LIke here are some things I've said that just got her totally pissed and her telling me I ruined the day."

 

Oh. That alone is reason enough to leave dude.

 

Get the * * * * away from her.

 

 

 

Here here!!...after my Ex and I split, and I started NC..i continue to realize how I too was abused by her...see if these scenarios are in your relationship..I'm not sure all of these signs are "abuse" but I know some certainly are:

 

"1. Constant sarcasm, in private and in public. And then claims that she walks on egg-shells around me because I react. I have asked her to stop many times, and finally she did..but now feels she can't say anything around me."

 

This is a definate sign of defense.

 

In reality, *I* have to walk around egg-shells when my girlfriend is around; in fact, even when she's NOT HOME. Did I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time cleaning? What if she comes home early and 'catches' me doing something I'm 'not supposed to'? One time I did the dishes for her. And did I get a thanks? No. (I used to get standing ovations and non-stop adulations when I did the littlest thing, now, just criticism). Instead, she said "You really need to learn how to scrub out a sink." and I dismissed her remark (I said something short and made it sound absent-minded like "kk" or "sure thing") and her immediate reactions was "Justin, you wash dishes, you scrub out the sink. You don't leave it for someone else to do." (Nevermind that when she eats breakfast, she leaves everything on the table for me to clean up).

 

The constant criticism wears you down, and erodes your self-esteem. The girlfriend (who always projects blame on you) says "you can't handle it" "you're too sensitive". They may act like their behavior is perfectly normal. When you finally react, they act like THEY'RE the victim. This role-reversal shifts blame onto you. As long as it's YOUR fault, as long as YOU owe THEM, they have control.

 

You may even notice they tend to be more critical/sarcastic in front of their kids. They may start arguments in front of the kids and then get mad at YOU for "arguing in front of the kids" as if sole responsibility lay on you.

 

 

"2. Witholding acknowledgement: I proudly bought her many romantic things, and when she shows things to friends or tells them about it..she tells them its such a great gift but fails to tell them where it came from...even to the point she says she bought it."

 

Yes. I got a little choco-cat doll for my girlfriend. She said she would wear it to school everday and think about it. Guess who's backpack its on? Her daughters. I pointed this out (insert several reasons/justifications). "It's just a stupid doll."

 

 

"3. Wihtholding affection: Tells you that she doesn't want to touch your arm or cuddle because it might lead to something. Then at social settings, she has no problem with her hands on others guys arms."

 

Oh yes. I can't even kiss my girlfriend on the cheek in public, or hug/hold her unless she initiates. Otherwise there's all these reasons "It's so gross." "How do you think it makes others feel?" (Notice how they always care about other people's feelings, but not your own?)

 

Whenever there's three of us (her, me), the third is usually another dude (usually an ex-boyfriend!) and she talks to him, practically ignoring my comments, laughing and acting like a bimbo or naive schoolgirl at every little thing he says. It's like flirting, only with plausible deniability. "That's just me being friendly." Right.

 

 

"4. Withholding affection : Yup..been there...waited and waited and been patient for months. Upon bringing up the subject, her response is "let it just happen"..it doesn't despite my romantic advances of dinners, rose petals in a hot bath, roses, flowers from the garden, full body massages etc etc"

 

Oh yeah. If you do the slightest thing wrong that day... no action in the sack. And sometimes even if you do everything right, there's no gaurentee. "I feel sick tonight." Okay. Oh, but then when she's randy and I'm not willing to sleep with her cuz she's been so disguisting lately, the pouty "You don't love me."

 

 

"5. Greeting me at home: As I walk in the door to return to my "happy" home and the woman I love..I greet her as I walk in the door and she's absolutely pissed off..not at me..but just because she's had a bad day. Perhaps 20 minutes later as she greets other people at the local hockey rink are accompanied by a huge smile, grin and joyous hello."

 

Yes, I go through that too. It is definitely abusive.

 

 

"6. As we approach bedtime, she decides that there's something wrong with her physically and begins to moan as she gets into bed. This lasts until she falls asleep. Upon waking she begins the moaning routine until she's safely downstairs preparing the kids lunch...where it miraculously stops."

 

Oh yea. My girlfriend still expects me to believe that for one month she felt ill between the hours of 10PM (when we were in bed and I was ready for action) and 12AM (when she'd finally be asleep) and then at 5AM (when I'd wake up) and 7AM (when they kids were awake).

 

Oh but don't ever mention this to the girlfriend! She'll accuse you of only using her for sex.

 

 

"7.Ignoring me at social events. As we mingle, I might just return to her and start to chat with her..she ignores me and turns her head..claiming that we can talk later."

 

Ditto. Been there done that.

 

 

"8. Robotic Sex: Attempts to pull me on top of her when she proclaims that I can "stick it in" tonight. I protest and tell her that this is not the way I'd like to do this..foreplay, kissing anything else to start things off. She responds with "well..I'm not up to it..do it now or never"."

 

Wow, I've never experienced that.

 

 

"9. Pushes me away when I hug her. Never kisses at all. I mean - never."

 

Oh yea totally man. "I'm trying to work." "You're getting in my way." Frigid b****.

 

 

"10. Proclaims that the kids "need" things, and that it is clearly a "want". Will get mad at me, and thereforeeee refrian from any closeness if I don't purchase the "need"...I'm the breadwinner because she woouldn't find serious employment."

 

Oh yea. I spent all my rent money (she charges me 300 a month) on gas for her, field trips for her kids, food for her kids, things for her kids, and then she gets mad that I have no rent. I tell her I've been helping take care of HER kids, that aren't even my responsibility... "But if you loved me, you'd love them, because they are a part of me." Yea, they sure are a part of her, because they're nasty bratty little b****es too.

 

 

"11. Any suggestion that I give her on anything is immediately followed with a scowl and "you're tryign to control me..every man I've had inmy life has controlled me". You can imagine how our problem solving transpired."

 

DUDE. YES. This is probably one of the most frustating parts!! I'm not trying to CONTROL her (she's trying to control ME!) I'm just trying to alter her behavior in small ways to make her LESS ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING.

 

"Yoley.. I have to admit that I'm amazed how close your situation is to mine. LIke a lot of those points.. And I get the robotic sex also!"

 

DUDE. MY GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO MAKE ME SIT DOWN TO PEE TOO.

 

"I don't have kids with her "THANK GOD" but she aways gets on my case about that I'm not bringing her out or doing enough for her. LIke she even says that I won't give you sex or want to bascially be affectionate when you hever take me our or do anything.. Same as you about holding away closeness..."

 

Yea, and if you say something like "Well, I'm not gonna pay all your bills, do your gardenning, clean your house while you're in class, and basically do all the REAL WORK around here if I don't get laid." - watch out. The temper will fly!

 

""the more you pressure me the less I want ot have it""

 

Dude that's just manipulation! I fell for it once. I stopped pressuring and guess what- NO SEX. Why didn't I have sex? Because I never pressured her for it. "Oh, I thought you didn't want it." was her response. . . RIGHTO. Dude these women are CRAZY. They deserved to be executed. They are unproductive members of society that only cause pain and distress to others. I suspect they all have Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

"I never had kids with her either...her kids are from her marriage. And yes..thank god!!! My friends all think I got off quite lucky..we weren't married and never had kids together."

 

Yea. She has a string of failed relationships. She's talked to me about a dozen relationships. She's NEVER broken up with a guy, always broke up with them. And guess who she blames for all of her breakups? THE GUYS.

 

 

****

 

What makes matters worse for me is that I moved in with her. So I'm in her house. Everything is her's. At the slightest transgression she orders me to leave. And then when I leave she comes and begs me back "How could you ever leave me!" I tell her she kicked me out. She explains basically that when she gets mad at me I need to kiss her * * * to make her feel better (not in those exact words, but you know, that stupid talk b*****s have.)

 

I've already gotten my nose broken over her because she called an ex-husband (who she has a kid with) and told him I was threatening her (after she called police and had me kicked out of the car and hitchhiked 70 miles home the same day). He came over with 2 skinhead dudes and one of them socked me, breaking my nose.

 

Now I have 10 stiches and a nasty cut on my arm. Here's the story: I got so mad at her a few nights ago, so mad at all her abusiveness and bulls**t, that I slammed her in the face and kidney a few times. I got really upset over having done that, and as soon as she saw me kissing her * * * and not angry anymore it was "time to get chores done." She totally tried to take advantage over the fact that I did something wrong and felt bad about it. But, when I refused to do chores for her because I didn't feel like being her slave after her upsetting me so much, she promptly called the police. I went into the bedroom and found a pair of scizzors, and started to cut my arm a bit to make it look like she attacked me first and so I wouldn't get arrested. But I was so angry that I slashed too hard, and cut my arm wide open to the bone (WITH SCIZZORS MAN. SCIZZORS AREN'T THAT SHARP. That's how angry I was!) I had to get 10 stitches and went on suicide watch, because I couldn't say "Yea, man, my girlfriend sliced my arm open!" The story wouldn't have fit "She slashed your arm open, so you... stayed in the bedroom packing your bags while she called the police when you hit her in self defensive?" If I had just made a few scratches, I coulda been like "Yea, she came at me with scizzors, and scratched me a bit but I punched her and she left and I'm getting the f**k outta here." woulda flew.

 

But, I had to go to the ER with blood squirting everywhere. Luckily I didn't get arrested and no charges were filed. BUT EVERYONE WAS ON MY SIDE. I told them how I was upset about how she treated me, and how I lost my temper and hurt her and myself... and all the nurses and paramedics were talking about how abusive women can be sometimes, and how I fit the profile for someone who's been abused and that there is help out there for me. It was so validating.

 

I've been in this relationship almost a year. I left her for two months under the guise of going to visit family for the holidays. Took all my stuff and never planned to come back. She sweet-talked me into come back and even took a plane accross the country to visit me and explain how she's changed. But as soon as we were on the bus back home, all the bull * * * * started again, and, of course, it was "my fault" because "I haven't changed."

 

God. 3 more months. My classes will be done, it'll be summer, I'll have read all my books, and I can finally leave under the guise of "visiting family" and never coming back to her! Or better yet; I'll go on a road trip with her to New York, and when I get there, leave while she's asleep, get on a greyhound, and go home to CT! Make her spend all her money on gas and ditch her!

 

((SORRY FO RTHE ANGRY POST, BU TI AM SO ANGRY AT HER!!!! ))

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  • 2 years later...

I tell people all the time how talking and communicating to each other can help with almost any problem in a relationship.

This is not true in your case.

There is no talking to someone like that, she very obviously has serious problems and you need to leave, the sooner the better. She needs PROFESSIONAL help, and all you're doing for her right now is allowing her to behave this way. By staying with her in this relationship and putting up with her abuse like this, you are choosing to be part of the problem.

 

The last thing this world needs is another * * * * ed up marriage, and another * * * * ed up family because people were too comfortable with putting up with bull * * * * and abuse like this; because they were too afraid of doing the right thing and leaving.

 

If you won't listen to my advice, or cast it off as merely me being an ass, then ask yourself 'where is this relationship going?'. Are you really such a sadist that you can picture yourself having a life with this woman? Having a family? Kids? Chances are you'll just wind up as another statistic: another failed marriage. Over fifty percent of marriages fail, and this is largely due to the fact that people don't think anymore before tying the knot. Marriage rarely ever means anything anymore; its no longer a sign of love, its a fancy ring that you show off to your friends and family.

 

This is the exact type of relationship dynamic that leads to broken homes, and broken families. People like you stay in these relationships for all the wrong reasons, eventually get married, and bring children into the mix. Before you know it we have yet another * * * * ed up kid brought into living in a household where s/he is subjected to abuse from parents that hate each other, hate their lives together, and hate him/her for reminding them of their lives together.

 

A dog will still love the master that beats it. Sure you can feel love for her; sure it might be hard to get around that feeling, but trust me man, you're seriously missing out when that love isn't reciprocated.

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  • 2 weeks later...

To the OP: I'd suggest you take a long hard look at yourself. I can't imagine myself ever taking so much crap from anyone, because it would never get anywhere near that point. I've broken up with women over a LOT less. The only way I can see a man staying around and taking this kind of abuse is if he has some kind of guilt he feels he needs to do penance for, or has major self-esteem issues and somehow feels he'll never find anyone else.

 

Naturally dump her, but also take a few moments to look inside yourself and figure out why you allowed it to happen in the first place. I think it would be beneficial in your future relationships.

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The most important questoin is, Why would this girl be like this? How could she be so abbusive?

 

people think that because im a 'kid' im stupid and i know nothing. When its 'kids' that can make the most complicated things obvious.

 

You asked "why would this girl be like this?" Well she probably had a bad childhood that has made her like that. I used to be very aggressive esspecially towards men, mainly because i was bullied when i was younger and the only way to stop the bullying was to make it stop and then once it had stopped i stayed aggressive. I am okay now but only because i had good people there for me that help me.

In a way i feel bad for this girl because if she as bad as it sounds she must have a pretty * * * * past.

But the bad thing is although you love her and yes she may love you, if she hasnt changed by now she never will. You need to get out of that relationship now.

Abusive people dont change unless they have reason to change so maybe if you leave, dont threaten her and say "If you keep acting lik this ill leave" because she will find a way to scare you into staying. So basically just get up and go. Find somewhere to stay before hand and just go. leave her a note explaining why and then leave. She will either see the error of her ways and if she loves you most likely beg you to take her back. As thats what i would do if my boyfriend just uped and left me. or if not at least you are out of that terrible relationship.

Also you said you didnt want to leave just incase you coulnt find another girl. Well think ahead 10 years. can you see your self at home with that abusive woman.

By the sounds of it your girlfriend knows exactly what the do to make you do what she says and she will get worse. it wont shop.

 

The best advise is if it gets worse just make sure you have somewhere to go and then go. dont tell her where your going just go. and then about a week or two later if you have decided that you dont want to be with her go and get your stuff from her house and go for good.

Or if you do want to be with her go back and act like your going to get your stuff and if she realises you meen business she will step back and realise you mean what you say, and also if you go back and she trys to intimidate you again just stand your ground or walk away. dont stand there and take it just walk away because trust me that will hurt/make her realise more then anything else...

 

Well good look and write back to be saying how it all goes and what you decide but seriously dont wait, just get out now!

 

Good luck

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  • 3 months later...

The thread is old, but relevant. It's the first result in google for the search term abusive girlfriend so...

 

The common thread here is that we all have these HORROR stories (mine are the exact same), yet we all stayed? We write and moan about it. Poor me. She's so mean. I'm a victim. What the hell is wrong with us? I just ended a two year relationship with a lunatic; a two year relationship that aged me ten and ate holes in my stomach. Even though it was daily mental and verbal abuse, it's like I was sapped of motivation to leave.

 

I wouldn't say anything, just up and leave and never talk to her again.

She isn't going to get better, she isn't going to change. I know, I've been there.

 

Don't debate the reason she's the way she is.

Don't make excuses that she only gets that way when this happens.

HER behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE.

YOU sitting there and taking it is UNACCEPTABLE.

You're a damn human being!

 

Get up and LEAVE HER. Call your friend, tell him you're coming over and staying with him, and cut off contact with her totally.

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  • 1 month later...

Don't debate the reason she's the way she is.

Don't make excuses that she only gets that way when this happens.

HER behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE.

YOU sitting there and taking it is UNACCEPTABLE.

You're a damn human being!

 

Get up and LEAVE HER. Call your friend, tell him you're coming over and staying with him, and cut off contact with her totally.

 

 

Thumbs up.

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  • 2 months later...

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