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What are some things to look for in a cheating partner?


BlueOrchids

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A lack of interest in you and taking part in activities with you. Including, but not limited to - sex.

 

Suspicious bahaviour.

Potential excuses for when they've been seeing someone else:

E.g. A business trip.

 

Guilty behaviour.

They may tend to become more aggressive in their behaviour towards you.

 

Your parnter may try and keep you guessing by acting nice, giving you gifts, taking you out more often.

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There are a number of web sites that will give you clues to pick up on.

 

1. Change in the bedroom. Either they shut off. OR they become suddenly too amorous... adventurious. Picking up tricks that they never did before. I've read where and EMA... spices the Sex life of a married couple. ugggghhh personally.. this would trip me out. I'd have to castrate the SOB!!!! - but midnful of changes.

 

2. Coming home late. Not coming home at all.

 

3. Secretive without explanation

 

4. A change in demeaner... distance etc....

 

________________________________________>

 

Now.. having said some of these things and I will back track.

 

Do not accuse until you know for sure. AND.. ifyou are being suspicious... the JIG is up. You need to have a talk. There is something not right in your relationship. As soon as you get that teeny tiny nibble of "maybe... just maybe he's cheating on me.." the seed is planted. So instead of nurturing the seed and making the green monster grow... GET OUT THE WEED KILLER ..and NIP this thing in the budd.

 

What makes you think... that he's cheating???????????? Why would you ask the quesiton????

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No, I am not in this relationship right now. There were just many things going on and i think i may have passed over a lot that i shouldnt have. condoms in the car, when we dont use(said they were from when we didn use them, but i was n his car before i saw them and they were not there), lack of sexual interest in me, but cum on his sheets(says its from himself, which is possible).

basically just curious about some of the tell tale signs so I can put certain things together in my head.

It never occurred to me before, but boy am i naive!!!!!!!!

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HELLO!!!!! RED FLAGS... BIG BIG BIG RED FLAGS WAVING.....

 

CONDOMS in the car........ when you don't use condoms????????????

 

HELLO... HELLO HELLO HELLO... big big big red flag.

 

and he's not paying attention to you eh???

 

But you've already talked to him about it????

 

Ok... pull back quietly and WATCH. And I mean pull back... let him chase you for a while... call you... wonder what you are up to. And you ...just watch.

 

 

The stains in his bed... well... if he's cheating and using condoms... how is it possible... but eeeewwwww... yikes... someones gotta teach him to clean up after himself ... yikes!!!

 

AND yes... CONDOMS in the CAR would get me wonering too.

 

Did you happen to catch the EXPRIATION DATE on the condom Package???? They all have one you know.

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Personally I've always been wary of an evasive person. If they are giving you the "why do you need to know everything?" argument when you ask who they were calling or texting in secret then that's a red flag, IMO. I'd keep my distance from someone that doesn't like to disclose their personal behavior or speak to a bunch of members of the opposite sex behind your back (meaning they are hanging out or having private convos with other single guys/girls).

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Agree with Vert 100%. It drives me up the wall when you ask someone "simple" questions and you get the WALL put up. As if you are somehow now the BAD BAD person for asking a question.

 

When you get that wall put up... Its a sure sign that "ALL IS NOT AS IT APPEARS TO BE." and that something is ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DENMARK - Hamel

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Just changes in their behaviour that are not explainable or are suspicious - or different from the norm....think about what he did when he was trying to interest you - wearing new clothes, starting to wear cologne, be fussy about appearance for example.

 

Strange absenses that don't make sense.

 

Strange charges on the credit cards/strange receipts - ie for bottles of wine you never see, nice restaurants you never went to at that time with him, hotel rooms (especially honeymoon suites..hard to claim that as a "business trip".)

 

His friends seem to be shifty too, hiding something.

 

Changes in the bedroom - either nothing, or a lot more then usual (to "hide" it).

 

And...if they start getting defensive, or accusing YOU of cheating (sometimes people who accuse others of something are themselves doing the same...it's a way to shift blame in a sense..)

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Did you happen to catch the EXPRIATION DATE on the condom Package???? They all have one you know.

 

Yup.

 

In general, if he's acting different, that's a pretty good sign that something bad is going on. If he never had cum stains on the sheets before, and now he does...... hmmm......

 

Listen to your instincts! Good luck

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THANK YOU EVERYONE.

I just want to make it clear that i am not with this person right now. these are some things that had happened a bit prior to the break up. and the other night i was just going over some things in my head, and some new things occurred to me. i had dismissed any questions i had re: his behavior. its called denial, and i didnt realize how good i was at it.

he does clean up after himself thatis what was so weird. and if it was there, it was from me, but since he withdrew completely sexually (red flag i know) and gave the excuse that he had too much on his mind, then why would he have cum on his bed? if you are not in the mood you are not in the mood wether you are pleasuring yourself or not. doesnt make sense. as for the date, no i didnt check.

but i am not with this guy. but was curious if my little clues were indeed little clues. never dealt with a cheater before, and bec. i am not one in any way shape or form, it did not even occur to me that it was a possibility. HELLO, NAIVE!!!!

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A guilty person cannot look you straight in the eye when they are talking to you!

 

It was me who felt guilty a while ago when I didn't know how to tell my husband that I didn't know who I am or what I am (straight, lesbian or bi) anymore. I didn't know if I loved him as a husband.

 

Usually I look straight into his eyes when I talk to him but on this occasion I totally avoided them.

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Nothing wrong with being naive, in a perfect world you would not have to worry.

Sometimes even when the signs are pretty obvious you just cant believe that the one your so close to would do that to you.

You pass it off as if its just you being stupid.

Sadly some people are so selfish & don't care who they hurt.

Not seeing their mobile phone left around anymore is another big tell tale sign.

Sounds to me like your better off out of it.

Good Luck.

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thanks guys....

yeah i guess you are right, its funny bec. the thoughts didnt even really take form in my head till recently.....it was strange bec i was reading over my old diary entries {yes i still do this} and then i was reading something that i so innocently wrote, and disregarded, and i was thinking holy s**t!! how did i miss that one?! of course as you said, i guess I DIDNT WANT TO SEE IT. Anyways, i read over them every now and again to remember why i have made the decision i have made. as you all know, its so hard to remember when all you want to do is hear them laugh again, etc. the stability of the relationship {or lack there of...in my case meaning the stable part was the fact that it was never stable, but never gone}dont know if that makes any sense. anyways it just allows me to remember the pain i have been through. i guess i will never really know for sure, and its still hard to picture him betraying me that way, but i guess that is what we all say ahhh this is rough....why doesnt love just come easy, why is it so darn confusing 90% of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!its weird bec. its actually taken up till now to feel the loss, the emptiness, the fact that it is real. okay im gonna stop now. i know i did the right thing and that is all that matters!!!!!!!!!

thank you

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Some things to consider:

 

secretive about whereabouts during business trips or other times (this is the key thing ... there is no good reason for an intimate partner to be secretive about their whereabouts ever)

 

changes in sex ... disinterest or really heightened sexual interest in you

 

changes in appearance, particularly upward, taking more care of themselves, their attire, their overall appearance, when going to work, out without you, or on business trips

 

changes in behavior around you ... suddenly buying you flowers or gifts or that kind of thing in a manner inconsistent with general modus operandi

 

clues like what you found ... condoms in odd places (men and women really), phone numbers written down on pieces of paper, that kind of thing

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Also a cautionary statement:

 

changes in sex ... disinterest or really heightened sexual interest in you

 

changes in appearance, particularly upward, taking more care of themselves, their attire, their overall appearance, when going to work, out without you, or on business trips

 

changes in behavior around you ... suddenly buying you flowers or gifts or that kind of thing in a manner inconsistent with general modus operandi

 

Changes in sex: Lets just say... that a partner started a diet/exercise program. They will drop the weight. Have those heppy endorphins kicking in.. and be more likely to feel good about themselves they might want it more.

 

Changes in appearance: Goes hand in hand with the weight loss feeling good abou themselves. Losing weight means a new wardrobe. Compliments from co-workes and friends. And will spur them on to continue the metamorphousus. Its positive reinforcement.

 

Changes in behavior: Well... maybe just maybe all this feeling good about themselves they decide to spread the joy, share the happiness. If they can make changes in their appearance and mood. Maybe they will make changes in their relationship.

 

The only reason I say this is...... I've been this route. I wanted to grasp on to the good vibes and ride the wave. I started to explore new music. And reading lots of happy self-help... self-assessment books. When I started to grab onto LIVING again. It was a problem. When I started to tug at more time for myself... "to go to the gym" it was a problem. Going to the library was suspect. My every move... every breath... was under the microscope. And their demeaner, which was NEGATIVE just went further into the abyss.

 

I thought if I hung on...and let it ride. It'd pass. Also... I stopped feeding into the negativity and stopped feeding into the arguments. I was riding my crest..and I'd be darned if I'd be pulled back down.

 

The result? The result was having to look at my situation for what it was... and walk away from the negativity and accusations. Stepping outside of the ring for the first time. And taking a cold hard look at what I had.. and what I was getting.

 

Sooooo.... my cautionary statement is.... sometimes things are NOT the way they appear to be.

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Yes, yes, there are innocuous reasons that any of these things could be happening. You have to know your partner and see if it fits into a larger pattern that is positivley impacting everything or not. None of these things in isolation is a red flag. I would say that any of them coupled together with being secretive would be a definite red flag, however. The secretiveness is the real kicker ... that is clue numero uno.

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And I'd agree with you to a point. However, in my situation. We talked about what was on his mind. And no amount of reassurance soothed. What he wanted was the old me back. Then the more he pursued the subject...the more I retreated. Retreated in that I was not going to give him a reaction he was looking for or getting off on. The accusations only served to tick me off even more. And yes... retreat into myself. I was NOT going to rise to the bait anymore.

 

But I agree with you... if you see some of these things happening in your mate... then you'd surely question them. But somewhere along the line you'd have to make the decision either you are going to stop with the pursuit of accusations and let it ride for a while. Maybe quietly observe. Or you make some sort of changes...

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And I'd agree with you to a point. However, in my situation. We talked about what was on his mind. And no amount of reassurance soothed. What he wanted was the old me back. Then the more he pursued the subject...the more I retreated. Retreated in that I was not going to give him a reaction he was looking for or getting off on. The accusations only served to tick me off even more. And yes... retreat into myself. I was NOT going to rise to the bait anymore.

 

Yes, I understand what you're saying. SOunds like it was a bad situation. Sometimes people are very poor at coping with change, as if the person they are with is going to go 50 years without changing and this would be a good thing!

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well, at this point in time he was also in a deep depression, it lasted for some time actually. i read that when in a deep depression, you can lose your sexual appetite. i also remember one time, after we made love that he looked at me as i was, and said, "do i still have it?".....and also some of the other things you say fit as well, but his pulling away made me so insecure that i would always ask where he was what he was doing, who was there, and he would just be so annoyed with this, he would shut off.

also, the condom incident...we had just arrived to our hotel for the evening in another state, i went into the backseat, and they they were in the pocket in the back, i took them out, said what is this? and he said that they were our old condoms.....i dont remember if the box was sealed or not....i walked away from him, he followed me into our room, threw the condoms against the wall, and yelled "i cant believe OUR old freakin

condoms are gonna ruin our night!" and he seemed so convincing, i didnt think about it 2wice, after that he looked at me and said that i have been the only one he has even touched since we started dating {casually} let alone kiss.......... i dont know, he seemed and usually is i must add, very sincere..........just exploring the idea. once again i am not with this man anymore, for other reasons.

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some really basic things:

 

-sudden change in hair style

-sudden interest in weight loss/body image

-sudden change in cologne

-spending longer hours "at work"

-won't answer cell phone, but hides phone display

-frequent text messaging

-sudden cancellations of plans with you

-lack of sex drive, or sudden increase in sex drive

-emotional distance

-used to tell you about someone at work/school/hobbies enthusiastically and suddenly stopped talking about this person

 

All of these things can be easily explained, and are really just basics. Hope this helps.

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  • 1 year later...

Hello everyone,

I am married for 7 years and we are together for 10. The communication broke down between us, we didn't fight, we just did nothing except sex was always good, and frequent. And yes it became more often suddenly.

One day my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, next day I catch him sneaking a call to a strange girl. He admits he met her, but says they are only friends she was someone to talk to about our communication breakdown.

I demanded him to break the friendship off and made him go to marriage counsel with me.. Then a week or so later, I hapened to p/u the phone, and he was asking his friend to cover him...I freaked out, and said you didn't end the friendship with her! He said I wont let his mistake go, and I am hearing things....

well 6 months later..his friend came by to see me, and tells me I heard right that phonecall, and he asked him a few times to cover, but he didn't want to do it. When confronting my husband with this new info he says ok there was once that another friend convered and he met her at a bar, and nothing ever happened they were just friends. He says I wont move on and let it go, that he is trying to work things out with us, he is in love with me again, and he wants to be with me, my problem is why did i have to find stuff out this way?

I phoned this girl after she was stupid enough to call here and hang up to alert him to call her, and I told her to stay away..why don't girls respect men are married? Why wasn't anything forthcoming from him? Were they really just friends?And why is he full of so much self pity, self hate, anger, and bitterness? He also felt so guilty he accused me of meeting someone! How do I know it is truly over with her....how can I ever trust him again?

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"A guilty person cannot look you straight in the eye when they are talking to you!"

 

No Tigris, you cannot look people straight in the eye when you're guilty. A stone cold liar doesn't feel guilt, and will intentionally look in your eyes while lying, because everyone knows, liars or guilty people can't look you in the eye....

 

All this says is that you're a nicer person than most.

 

Irish, getting over feelings of mistrust is very difficult. I would definitely go to the counselling and bring up your feelings there. Tell him that you have to know the truth...and don't think if he's looking in your eyes, that that's what you're getting.

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thanks-we did the counselling, and then this new information came to light...we did a lot of communicating throughout, but he never gave me anything about the girl....just said he had ended the friendship..when in fact he didn't when he said he did. If I bring up the girl in counsel he would leave...strange behaviour I think for someone who regrets it.

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