Married, but never was sexually attracted to him...

I married my best friend, a wonderful man that makes me laugh and is almost everything one could ask in a mate. I love him with all of my heart.

That said...I have never been sexually attracted to him. I had been in relationships with intense sexually attraction that were bad. So, I figured I would be smarter this time. I married a man that would be my best friend and a great person to grow old together with and I figured with the love growing deeper the sex would become better, but this is not the case.

If anything it is the opposite. The more I love him the deeper in love with him I become, the worse the sex is.

I still have an appetite for sex, but he just doesn't turn me on and sometimes the thought of having sex is just repelling.

There are children involved and besides that I love him and divorce is just not an option.

He is overly sensitive and has self esteem problems from a past cheating mate, so I would never think of telling him that he don't turn me on and nothing he could do would help this, so marriage counseling would not be an option. I just couldn't bear to insult or hurt him this way. I would rather he think I was a cold fish than hurt him. He is that great.

So, I offer a very personal issue up for you all. Any advice would be most appreciated! What should I do???

If you feel that there is a growing need within you that your husband cannot fulfill, then you should reconsider the idea of divorce.

Since you rule out him becoming more attractive to you (acting differently, becoming more fit) what remains could be his endowment.

If the problem is down to his endowment, there might be other women who would fit him better since how deep a woman is is individual.

The mistake was that you expected things to go from insufficient to acceptable after some time. Start out as you intend to go on.

Do you, or have you ever, found him physically attractive?

If not, and you're hell-bent on not getting a divorce; there's not really much other options.

Spicing things up a bit? Role play etc.

Other than that; you better find a good vibrator

I think there are many things that you can do. I appluad the fact that you understand that divorce is not an option. All too often people are always look for the eay way out of things...and the way I see it, this is not a dating relationship but a marriage.

One of the things I think you are going to have to do is start to act when in fact you do get these emotions( sexual emotions that is). They might not be related to him, but the fact is that your mind will become more adapted to associating these emotions with him. What I think has happened is that you are finding it quite hard to change a deep perception in your mind that you have of this kind of individual.

The other thing you may want to do, is try and figure out just what it is that turns you on about the other kind of guys.

Maybe it is a sport that they play that gives them this persona, athletic look and or a different kind of confidence...that portrays through their personality.

You can also look into some more techniques that he can learn to do on you. If you haven't done so already, spend some time and try to go over with him what kinds of things turn you on and what puts you in the mood. Maybe you want to take some time as to how you are going to say this to him...it could be that you just want to spice things up a little in your marriage and try some different things...

The other thing is that if you think you can go to counseling yourself...this may be a little strange but I think that it would help out a lot.

Lastly...don't give up hope of course, he is a wonderful man...and I think there are much more pressing issues that could have been a part of your marriage. Just read some of these post and you will see just how good you still have it.

Do the work...and it will pay off...even if a long time from now.

I think jevonj77 might have the answer I was looking for. See he does have alot of physical traits that are attractive to me. I think the problem might be a multiple of reasons.

He was overweight when I married him and it was not a problem, but there has been at least 60 pounds added to that. (Though, he has taken steps to try to loose weight recently.) He just will not exercise and I think this is a problem. I think exercising releases good feelings and will only help him. I think he has tried loosing weight to make himself more attractive and I have supported him 100%.

I can't make him do it though. I mean we have a basketball court in our yard (he loves basketball), for heavens sake. How much more can I do?

I had always been attracted to fit, but not muscular bodies.

The endowment is smaller than most, but not insufficient. I think the problem comes when his belly is so big that he can't reach or do things someone without it could.

Plus, he seems to be very schoolboyish, in that he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. Which really turns me off, I want someone who is confident and knows what to do. I have given him a book on the subject - I don't think he either read it or if he did he doesn't use the information in it. I have tried leading him, but no good.

Plus, I want a him to take charge, I am in charge most of my day (four children and a job) and when he is there I want him to be the one to take me. And the only time he touchs me or caresses me is when he wants sex and he expects it to lead to sex every time and when it doesn't he tells me I am leading him on, which makes me not even try to be close and snuggle for the fact that I worry he will want more and that closes me down.

Now, this combined with the fact, that I excite him very much, means as I start to enjoy our lovemaking, it is over. In the beginning he did the same thing - sometimes, but now, it is supposedly my fault for not wanting to alot. How can I want to? Once I am ready, he is done and that leaves me unfulfilled and upset, so it becomes a visious circle.

I have asked him to build up his endurance himself and even bought him a toy to do so, but he says he doesn't want to.

Maybe this is the problem? Maybe I feel like I am not worth the effort?

I have gained weight also and so I feel less attractive- maybe it is me, maybe I should seek counseling as suggested.

But, frankly, I do not think that sex is everything. I think it is a nice way to achieve release, but other than that - I could do without. It is just his pressure to have sex and anger at me for not wanting to is my problem. i think anyone willing to end a marriage because of this does not take their vows as seriously as they should. I do absolutely love him with all my heart.

But, I would like to have sex and enjoy it sometimes. How do I help him to help us, without hurting his feelings?

Yeah, after writing this and reading what I wrote, I really think counseling would do wonders for us both. Where would I get information on this type of problem. We are also very tight on a budget with our oldest getting ready to go to college. He works 70+ hours a week (mandatory) so time is an issue also. Maybe a self help book? Any suggestions???

Ok...I like the fact that you know what some of the problems are...this is good...now your problem is finding a way to get him to also want to change and do so.

The other thing...is that many people see counseling as something you go to when you have a problem...however...it can also be something that you use to stop problems before they occur and or to do things that you may not have even thought of.

The other thing is that I think with persistence on your part and changes on your part also...you will see a change. Some people do not tend to see that in a marriage it will not always be rosy...and it takes for some to just take a step back and see that they need to do a couple of "tune ups".

There's a website that you can go to...it is very informative...link removed

I am hoping that there are portions in this site that can help you out.

Thanks, this site seems to be filled with information. I will start looking thru it and hopefully using it and let you know how it goes.