I am not attracted to my wife anymore.

In the past, almost from the beginning, I seemed to look for any excuses, anything that I disliked are made me angry, to "punish" her and withhold sex. Almost 3 years has passed and today we have 1 little girl and waiting for a new baby next February. Today our sex is inexistant. And it is not because she is pregnant. It was like that before, except some very rare sparks explaining her pregnancy.

Now I think my wife is wonderful in many senses but I seem to have lost all interest. I feel lost and frustrated and she is too.

We both cary a lot of frustrations and whenever we try to talk it is very hard for both of us as we throw things at each other. A lot of tension there.

Any suggestions?

Well, the first step toward a better relationship, is to realise the mistakes you are making. The rest you should be able to rectify, if you are willing to really give it a go!

The problem is, people think to be in a marraige is about the "feeling" you have for the other person, when in truth, it is almost like a "partnership" or business relationship. If you don't work on it, it will fail. I believe if you really try, and change a few things, (start with the things you do, and automatically the way she behaves will have to change) then it would spice life up a bit.

People get so used to the way their partner act, that they have an automatic counteract. Because things always happen the same. You don't feel like it, she feels rejected and also does not respond etc etc.

BUT if you change the initial way you act, and do something totally different, she will not be able to continue with her normal "counteract" and will actually have to start thinking about it, and find new ways.

Do something different. How about getting home tonight and rubbing her feet. Not to get to sex, just an act of love. On other nights, pour her a bath, with bubbles the works. Still don't ask for sex, just an act of love. Find new and interesting topics to talk about with her, besides your relationhip. She might respond to you in ways you never imagined. If you light the spark in her again, IM SURE it will automatically ignite yours.

And as a last resort, how about some therapy??

But first try to fix it yourself. Realising the problems, and the part you play in it compells you to act on it, and try and work things out, don't you agree?

Hi xtrips,

Do not "punish" your wife by withholding sex. It is "childlike" to do so.

All the frustration and pressure come from work ought not to throw at each other. Go for a walk in the park before you go home. Get all the frustration and pressure out while you are in the park through deep breathing and if can sort out some issues there. Ask your wife to do the same.

Then buy two small table lamp, one is your another one is your wife. Light the lamp light if you are in frustration and want to have a serious talk to your wife and vice versa.

Hopefuly, by doing this would help you out,

I wonder if part of the problem you feel like this now stems from the way you viewed and treated sex before - sex and intimacy with your partner are NOT something that is to be used as a tool to punish the person you love and to withhold it. That is a very unhealthy attitude, which honestly may have led to taking the joyous intimacy and pleasure out of sex so now it is as it is for you both.

You two also REALLY need to learn to work on the communication - and that is not by getting angry and throwing things at each other - either literally or metaphorically. Look into counselling/therapy or some great self help books on communication. As was said above, marriage is a partnership - it requires work, communication, and commitment. You cannot rely on love alone to foster its growth and strength. You both need to learn to let go of the frustrations, and work on solutions - not resentment.

Maybe each sit down and write each other a letter, not a cruel one bringing up past, but one that honestly explains how you both feel, and what you both wish to happen, and how you see that happening. Write down what you need from one another, and what you want to give to one another. And read each others letters without judgement, without anger, and with an open mind...it might allow you to both communicate without "throwing things" and give you both space to share your feelings.

I agree with RayKay.. communication seems to be the real problem here. Naturally, if you guys are angry all the time at eachother and severely frustrated, that is going to translate into less sex, if any. I would definitely start to heal by seeing a counsellor. They can help you learn to communicate better and facilitate you both getting your concerns out in the open. But the bottom line is that a marriage takes work from both parties to keep it going...love will not remain when communication is so bad that the resulting frustration and anger is killing it. Good luck

I really thank you all for your answers. I do feel that I have to give a little more details about the problem in order to get answers more focused.

The thing is I am the one that have tried many times and is still proposing massages and kisses and more. The problem is that my wife is not into tenderness, giving, feminity etc....

I terribly lack of kisses and huggs and caresses...

My wife is more into sport, work, internet, soduko and of course raising our child than arousing her husband, surprising him with a dinner table of even a new dress...

Are these excuses or are they legitimate needs I have?

I really thank you all for your answers. I do feel that I have to give a little more details about the problem in order to get answers more focused.

The thing is I am the one that have tried many times and is still proposing massages and kisses and more. The problem is that my wife is not into tenderness, giving, feminity etc....

I terribly lack of kisses and huggs and caresses...

My wife is more into sport, work, internet, soduko and of course raising our child than arousing her husband, surprising him with a dinner table of even a new dress...

Are these excuses or are they legitimate needs I have?

no there's nothing wrong with what you've stated here, but I think that the answer to your problems is not advice that we can give you here, other than that you and your wife need to go to counselling together to figure out what the real problem is. I think that her focus on things other than the marriage is a symptom, but not the problem itself, although the symptom does of course contribute to other problems...

xtrips,

What you have described is very similar to the life I also live. I have read through the replies, all from women, and I have a very different point of view.

The average woman is going to say that YOU are not initiating sex or intimacy with your wife, and that is why you are not receiving it from her. I have read the books and talked to professionals, however I believe that my wife has intimacy issues that are beyond my control. Maybe you are in a similar situation.

I am not sure what I am trying to tell you, aside from "it's not your fault!" I guess I am also trying to say that you are not alone in the way that you feel.

If you do figure it all out, please let me know - I would love to learn the recipe myself.

-b

ok. Here's my take on your wifes situation.

Question - was she always like this, or did she become this way?

I used to be much more loving, and prone to hugs and kisses when hubby and I first met, then we had the baby, we both have full time jobs, and he's away from home alot. I sort of lost interest too. It is such hard work to work a full day commute back and to work for 2 hours each day, get home cook food, feed the baby, bath and read bedtime stories, and keep her entertained until she goes to sleep, that by the end of the day I have no energy left. I just want to curl up in bed and read a book, or sleep. Yes my hubby got neglected. It spirals downward, until one day you have nothing more to say to each other, but talk about the kids!! I have to say he helps very little with the baby, and hes away alot for work, so I got so used to having to do things myself, that I didn't even bother asking him anymore. I suppose alot of resentment built up inside me, and I sort of started avoiding him.

I realised things were going downhill, so I wrote him a letter. I explained the sex thing to him, how I just don't feel like it because if the other areas of my life is in shambles, how can I want to initiate sex? You see sex is an emotional thing for women, not just physical. I explained how I struggle and feel lonely, and how I feel that I get no help etc etc. He was SURPRISED that I felt this way, and since then things have started getting better. I have to say one thing that really really helps:

GET AWAY, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, leave the kids with your parents for a weekend and get away, even if it is you two and another couple. IT REALLY HELPS. And do this often. It sort of rekindles the romance (very slowly but it's a start) of when you just started dating. Make a promise not to discuss work and kids when you go, just enjoy it, and chat about nothing important.

If she doesn't want to plan a going away trip, you plan one and surprise her!

Do you think this might help? It helped me alot, I was very hesitant to go, and didn't want to leave my baby, but I forced myself to go, and it was the best thing I could have done for me and us.

She has to realise there is still an US inbetween the work, babies etc.

Heres a tip for you guys from a high sex drive woman who watches porn and will try anything at any time....

Women go off sex because it comes accross that a man thinks that to be close to a woman and tell her how much he loves her is by wanting and having sex with her and women feel smothered and pressured by this. They feel like they are being lusted over and not made to feel loved which is what makes a woman feel loved, happy and sexy.

Women want intimacy by being held and told they are loved, being romanced, being kissed in a non sexual way and being showed in any other way than sex how much you love them.

Women will respond to this kind of intimacy far more than a grope in the dark so try it and you BOTH will reap the rewards.