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Thread: husband with cybersex addiction - need advice!!!!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2005

    husband with cybersex addiction - need advice!!!!

    hi, i'm new here, and this isn't really where i thought i would ever end up, but i have a problem. i am 25 years old, and my husband and i have been together for 4 years, married 2 in october. earlier this spring, i discovered he had been visiting an adult chat room, talking with other people about having sex, especially other couples.
    he had approached me a long time ago about whether or not i would be interested in "swinging". our sex life at the time was not all that great (i was going through some depression and was on meds that decreased my libido) and explained that he had researched where we could meet local couples also interested in swinging. i had told him i wasn't really interested in that sort of thing, that i would rather just be with my husband. after all, i married HIM, i wanted to have sex with HIM, not someone else's significant other. he respectfully dropped the subject, and never brought it up again.
    when i discovered the chat room, and the things he was doing and saying on it, i was shocked and hurt. i never thought he would EVER do something like that. i confronted him, and we discussed the issue, and he agreed he had a problem and i urged him to go to counselling. he agreed, and has been going to a counsellor ever since. i also see a counsellor, with whom i had talked to about the problem. she explained that he has an addiction to cyber-sex, and that it would take some time to work through it. i accepted this fact and have lovingly supported him.
    our sex life improved since then. i changed medications, my therapy is helping me sort through my own problems, we're happy together and all seems just great. we even bought a book on improving our sex life... it helps! i figured that he was satisfied.
    i had thought he had stopped visiting the website. he assured me that the program was deleted off the computer. however, last night, while he was away, i stumbled upon an email account on the computer that i'd never seen before. it was his, and it was for the chat room.
    the things i read appalled me. i had NEVER heard him speak the way he had in the emails i saw. the dates are very recent, one was even sent the day after my birthday (we had gone on a trip to the beach at the time and it was wonderful). i became so physically sick and cried and cried. unfortunately, he is away on a road trip (i know he's not cheating, i know who he's with and where he is), so i can't exactly confront him right away about this. i plan on talking to him again, but i do not know how to approach the topic. i'm disappointed that he appears to have made no effort to change his ways, although i know that addictions are hard to break. i feel betrayed and hurt. what do i do? do i continue to stick by him, regardless of the things he has said to other women? do i try to understand what is so wrong with our relationship that he feels the need to do this? or do i make him choose between our marriage and his addiction? i am so confused... i don't know what to do anymore.... please, someone help.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Aueft's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Davis, California
    I would try and give him one more chance to change. But have another talk with him. It seems to me that you really love him, and so does he to you, but as you said, perhaps his addiction is very hard to break.

    But, even though it's hard to break addictions and such, this type of thing still isn't something you can just shrug off.

    From your post I'm infering that he's not violent or anything, so my advice would be to bring up the topic in a very plain, simple, and blunt way, don't hesitate and tarry around what you need to say. Make sure he knows how troubled you are about it. As I do think he cares about you, if he knows how sad you are about this then he may feel bad. If he is continuing to see his counsellor, then tell the counsellor about what you found so they can talk as well. If not, then suggest that he starts to do so again.

    Unless your computer is something you absolutely need, perhaps just try and make an -agreement- with him to take it away for a while, for both of you.
    If it is something you need, maybe change the location.

    Other then that, try and stay busy with him so you two are out of the
    house, that may help as well.

    And if you can, delete the e-mail account.

    Hope I helped

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    thank you for your sound advice. the problem with taking away the computer, which i failed to mention, is that he is a programmer, so his computer is at work as well as at home. that's where the problem still exists, where it never ended in the first place, where he thought i would never figure it out... so taking it away, away at home won't really do us any good since he can just log-on when he's at work. in fact, i honestly can't believe that he would risk getting caught with this on his work computer, but then again, that's another part of the addiction, he just doesn't think about the consequences.

    i know he loves me. he tells me, and shows me in many ways, each day. there isn't a conversation that goes by that i can't tell he loves me. i know he feels bad - he did before, and i can pretty much guarantee he feels that 10 fold now since this is basically round 2.

    the parts that astonished me this time were what he said in the emails. he told people that "my wife works second shift and is usually home by 9-10, so i can meet you before then." like it made no difference that i was HIS WIFE, just that this was a convenient time to get together with whomever. that's what hurts more than anything. that he disregarded me so quickly. i am going to have a bigger problem with that than anything ....

  4. #4
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    wow. I really respect your maturity and the supportive love you are giving to your husband. You are in pain but you are trying to work with him through the ordeal - and that is priceless. If only everyone was like you

    Now - you havent talked to him yet. I would see what he has to say, and then make your judgement. Will he be back before your next visit with your conselor? Perhaps he/she would have some nice ideas.

    Honestly I would speak with him about it when he gets home. He needs to realize how bad he is upsetting you. If hes a good person he will continue to work with you.

    Im sorry you have to go through this - but you seem like a very good partner in your relationship and i wish you the best of luck!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    thank you both for your respect and advice. it means a lot that a complete stranger noticed that i'm trying so hard to be supportive and save my marriage.

    my husband came home last evening. we talked, cried, and eventually figured out the next step. he is very willing to give an all out 100% effort into quitting the habit. he agreed to disable the programs and try to cancel his screen-name on the websites he was visiting. he also agreed to disable the particular email acct, and if he can't, he's agreed to let me change his password so that he can't get in (that was my idea... i thought it was a good one...). we decided to start couples counselling, and he is going to get extra individual therapy. as for myself, i'm just thankful that he only talked a good game but never went through with anything i had seen on the emails.

    i was so upset when i wrote in originally. i'm incredibly grateful that at the time someone was out there to at least tell me i was on the right track and give me the extra push to keep going. thanks

  6. #6
    Member GothicLolita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Jersey city ,NJ

    So sorry

    I know EXACTLY how you feel and what your going through
    mine bf of 1yr 6months is just the same way when i discovered his
    online harem i felt the same way the things he said
    to them he never said to me and i looked nothing like they
    did he lied and told me he wasgoing to changed but hasn't
    It seems men like this don't change on there own and they really
    need threapy or professional help the more chances we give the more they take to do wrong.I'm sorry that you married someone like that you
    derserve so much better.I hope that either you too can get help or you are able to move with your should be with someone who resepects your wishes and doesn't try to inforce there fetishes on you.

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    It seems an old post but I can relate to it as I too discovered chat messages by my husband that really upset me, he is a programmer too , spends 18 hrs on computer, we are married for 7 yrs have 2 kids, but his recent chat puzzled me. I do trust him , I think he has not gone out with other girls, but watching them on web cam at night was a distress ... . I just cried and cried the whole night yesterday when I saw one of the message from a girl and that suspicion lead to reading the history since 2009 when I was out of town for my Dad's funeral. and at the times when we had disputes. He had this habit before when we got married in 2003 but then we discussed and he stopped, I dont know when it just creeped in. I am just confused how to talk to to him about it ... ...should I confront, or talk to him patiently or just leave him the way he likes.

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Same for me, married 7 yrs. Everytime we have any argument he is online. Or when I'm not home. I once walked in on him when home from work early. Also a software guy...I am at the point of tracking so when I go to court for custody, there will be no issues. I'm miserable, hate him and know one day I will meet someone who is more of a man than what I am currently stuck with. Best of luck.

  9. #9
    20yrshurtand r
    Member 20yrshurtand r's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Great Lakes State
    Check this out for him in addition to his indivual cousneling and MC.

    [h=3][i]link link removed

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Hi there. Not sure if I can help in any way I have a similar problem only I'm the male who is in the wrong and looks at things I should not look at but I do not chat with anyone but the end result is the same. I hurt my wife whom I love very much. Like I said not sure if I can help but feel free to ask anything you like. Reading what you girls have writen has helped me understand how my wife must feel


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