commitment phobe sites......

Hi Everyone........

any good sites on commitment phobics or books i could look into???????

is it possible for someone to turn into a commitment phobe, if they previously were not??

i dont even know if this is what i am dealing with

what does it take for them to realize that commitment isnt a bad thing....is it possible for them to change?

and by the way, has anyone else come to the conclusion, that as years pass, commitment and marriage is becoming less and less of something that most people want???

i know, too many questions, cant help it!!!

thanks to anyone who replies

It is my belief that there is not such thing as a commitment phobe - just someone whom does not want to be committed to you for whatever reason.

I think too often women and men both say "my partner is a commitment-phobe" as in some sense it takes away from the pain that perhaps they just are not prepared to commit to you. Or it gives them hope that they can change things...sadly often these people wait around for years, as their self esteem shrinks. I know one woman who has been with her partner for almost 10 years, she has wanted to get married for 8 of them, and she hopes every holiday it will happen. Yet it never does...yet she stays..why? I don't really know. Personally, I prefer to be with someone who is very sure about their feelings and whom we share the same goals for the relationship with. The thing is I have seen many of these "commitment phobes" find the "right" one for them and get married and be very happy.

Yes, there are people who have been hurt, and may have reservations about being hurt again, but then to me, it also just shows they are not ready for commitment with you...not necessarily as anything is wrong with you, it is just not time.

What it "takes" to get out of that feeling is either time, the right person and the right relationship, and the right place in their life.

I don't think people want it less, I think people are just deciding that they no longer MUST do it, which is a good thing if it keeps more people who should not be getting married from getting married. People STILL want commitment and marriage, however they are more selective about the person they choose to share their life with - and I see nothing wrong with that.

Some do think commitment phobia is genuine.

Authors Steven Carter and Julia Sokol have written about it:

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

He's Scared, She's Scared : Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

Other books and authors that also address it...

The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man by Rhonda Findling

She Wants a Ring--and I Don't Wanna Change a Thing : How a Man Can Overcome His Fears of Commitment and Marriage by James D. Barron

Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins

And a google search for "commitment phobia" gave almost 38,000 hits.

And a google search for "commitment phobia" gave almost 38,000 hits.

don't you think this is a misleading comment? it tells nothing about anything except perhaps implies something about the google search methodology.

here is what i just found on google: Results 1 - 10 of about 337,000 for butt munch. (0.26 seconds). so, does this then mean that "butt munch" is more interesting to people than "commitment phobia"? i don't think it really means anything.

google search result numbers are meaningless, as you can see.

sorry for the lecture, i couldn't help it.

RayKay Wrote

It is my belief that there is not such thing as a commitment phobe - just someone whom does not want to be committed to you for whatever reason.

I agree 110%. No such phobia exists. If you like someone enough and they like you, nothing will hold you back.

I agree 110%. No such phobia exists. If you like someone enough and they like you, nothing will hold you back.

well, what if you have a fear of being with only one person?

And a google search for "commitment phobia" gave almost 38,000 hits.

 

don't you think this is a misleading comment? it tells nothing about anything except perhaps implies something about the google search methodology....

Well, I can never be sure how someone will interpret what I write.

What I was thinking when I wrote that is this... "Google says there are 38,000 sites where commitment phobia is being addressed, so there is quite a lot of research one can do just with a search engine if there is an interest."

That's what I meant.

Sorry for not making that clearer.

Also, many of them look very flaky. But many of them also look legitimate.

But regarding the books, I've browsed through a couple of them, and read the customer reviews of most of them while looking for something else, so they have more credibility for me. Carter and Sokol are respected authors in the field.

It is my belief that there is not such thing as a commitment phobe - just someone whom does not want to be committed to you for whatever reason.

I agree with this too. I am also going through something related to this right now. I'm not afraid of commitment, I just don't want to commit to the girl I'm with now. See my post in the breaking up forum for more details. (once it's re-posted, I had to revise for language reasons)

any good sites on commitment phobics or books i could look into???????

BTW, that question from the OP... that's what I was responding to. I thought that was more helpful than dismissing her concerns. Respected authors and psychologists think that commitment phobia is real, and so do some of those who have been victimized by commitment phobes.

is it possible for someone to turn into a commitment phobe, if they previously were not??

 

i dont even know if this is what i am dealing with

 

what does it take for them to realize that commitment isnt a bad thing....is it possible for them to change?

And the books I browsed addressed these questions, and explained for someone who is confused by it all. They seemed especially helpful for someone who is trying to figure out what she is "dealing with," and whether she could expect them to change, and what makes them behave the way they do.

And from the books, I gathered that like everything else, those who get involved with commitment phobes tend to repeat the pattern, so it seems wise to investigate and figure it out so one can break the cycle.

Also a browse through the topics under this category, "Relationship Commitment" shows other threads where posters also have the same concerns. There may be some helpful comments there as well.

Victimized? How can you be VICTIMIZED by someone, simply because they don't like you enough to want to be with you? How are you a victim? Please help me understand your view.

Victimized? How can you be VICTIMIZED by someone, simply because they don't like you enough to want to be with you? How are you a victim? Please help me understand your view.

I'm not actually trying to be difficult or uncooperative here, truly... but I'm just not feeling up to a debate about it with someone who doesn't believe it exists. I've read something about this and understood it and was trying to be helpful to the OP, that's all.

BlueOrchids, go to the excellent website called

link removed

You will find a lot of insight there

Do not live together without marriage!

thank you ALL for the different insights, appreciated.

let me set something straight, first of all, this man and i most definitely love each other very much, and have for a few years now.

he had said that he knows he wants to be with me, and have the kind of relationship that has a future, but also that he doesnt know why, but he feels that now is not the time. he said he has some things to fix, but that he wants to be a better man for me, and for him.

he said that he loves me now, has always loved me, and will always love me, but feels as if he cannot give me the things i want in a relationship right now. he is weird about the way he does things, seems as if he creates plans and timings in his head. i actually know that is what he does.

he plans on returning to my life...those are his words, he will be back, and be ready.........i believe he really wants to be ready, but another part of me is saying, "why am i validating his actions, he left?"

now this is fine and dandy,one must do what one must do, but some part of me feels this is a great fear of his that i would like a little insight into. yes i do agree that "commitment phobe" may just be a label we place on people so we can "diagnose" them, but there are certain truths to the idea. some people are ready on cue, some people are not, right person or not. as ray kay said timing has some, or a lot to do with it.

he had a long term relationship before me, and was ready to commit to her. she left him..dont know if that really has anything to do with it.

Chai-i can understand your comment, but i wouldnt agree with it completely. its not always that simple, but on another note, ray kay makes agreat point....about how people can be confused about someone, and then meet the "right" person, and be able to breeze through it all.

so when it comes down to it, its as simple as he left, he is not sure, minus the part of him saying what he said, bec. he still left. And it is obvious that im the "wrong" partner, or he would not be confused at all. so there is nothing for me to understand, bec. there is no such thing as "commitment phobia", just the wrong person. and anyways, i am very tired of trying to understand why someone i gave everything to, loved completely, and who claimed he was so in love with me left. i suppose there is no sense to make of it.

and ray kay i also like what you said about how there are no "commitment hurdles" with your beau(not ur exact words), that MUST be a great feeling. that saves a lot of heartache. once again thank you all for your opinions, and advice. if htere is anything more you can offer up, please post, stories, similar situations, things u have read, experienced, ANYTHING.

AND thank you Miss M, for answering the question about where i could go to find more out about this topic, that is what i had asked for as well.

oh and i 4got to make a clear point, this has nothing ot do with marriage, just a serious relationship commitment, im not in any hurry to be married.....(of course marriage is something i want later down the line and he knows this)

I'm not actually trying to be difficult or uncooperative here, truly... but I'm just not feeling up to a debate about it with someone who doesn't believe it exists. I've read something about this and understood it and was trying to be helpful to the OP, that's all.

Miss M,

I wasn't looking for a debate. I just wanted to understand why you thought that. Although I don't expect you to defend your opinion, you can pm me if you want.

It is my belief that there is not such thing as a commitment phobe - just someone whom does not want to be committed to you for whatever reason.

I agree with this also. I had my heart broken about 6 years ago by a man, who at the time, I thought was a commitment-phobe. I've since learned that he got married a couple of years ago. It wasn't that he was afraid of commitment, it was just that he didn't want to commit to me. I've accepted that, it's not the end of the world! It just wasn't meant to be, just wasn't *right*.

There are men and women who claim to not want any type of commitment. In fact, I was one of them - before I met my boyfriend. I had other chances to commit and dated for a while, but didn't actually want anything serious until I met the right guy.

The right person will change a person's view on commitment in my opinion.

Ditto to what RayKay and OceanEyes said. Trust me, every man you meet that has commitment issues, will get married, just maybe not to you. For example, my college roommate and her bf split up because she wanted a committment, but he didn't feel ready. He said he wasn't ready to commit. Well, 8 months later, he was married to another girl!

I had a guy tell me once that he "needed some time to work on his stuff, but that he would come back." I don't know - maybe he was for real, but I took that to be as good as a breakup. I dunno - I think if you like someone, you want to stick by them and have them help you work on your problems. At least, that's how I would feel if I had some serious life issues, and I had a bf. I wouldn't push him away while I took care of my job or family issues.

well, that's just my opinion.

I think most people who are labeled a commit-phobe are labeled by the person who wants, but does not get, a commitment.

But there are many different fears and phobias that do exist for real that seem incomprehensible or weird to other people. So, I would hesitate to say that there is no such thing as a true commitphobe. After all, there are people who never marry or form a long-term relationship - it is entirely possible that some of these people are true commitment-phobes. If there is such a thing it seems to me it would be akin to claustrophobia.

Having said that, I think that many men are not scared of marriage - they are scared of divorce, especially of divorce involving children. And that is not an unreasonable fear, since more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.

thank you DN.....

Last nite i checked the site again, and i was a bit frusterated. i could understand what others were saying, but then it occurred to me that, i do believe "commitment phobia" is a possible phobia. it also occurred to me that each person here stating their opinion, in fact did not know just how in love we are/were...that maybe they were taking a stand from a view where one person isnt entirely in love, where they maybe were just biding their time, waiting for something better, and their whole heart wasnt with the partner they didnt want to commit to. and please dont tell me that you can love someone and still not be right for them. i think we each feel and possibly know deep inside, what we are dealing with when someone leaves us. we say we dont understand, and sometimes we dont, but other times, the truth is so simple, we can hardly stand to believe it. my point with that is, im not blind, none of us are, sometimes it just takes a liitle longer for us to see what we dont want to. i think i have a good idea of what im dealing with.

the other thing that occurred to me which made me believe that it is true phobia, is my friend Joe. He is a catch, beautiful, hysterical, sweet, kind, honest, financially stable, but has never had even one relationship in his life....and its not bec he hasnt met the "right" one, bec he hardly gives anything more than a 1 conversation chance, before he decides that he doesnt want to give it a 2nd. once again let me emphasize, NEVER had a relationship. this is a man who wont commit to a solid plan of how he wants to spend his friday nite, or commit to a telephone call, and he calls it "spontaneous". my closest girlfriend and him have this funny connection, you see it in their eyes, they connect differently, she has known him longer than i, and he has yet after nearly 10 years, addressed the situation, the feeling, anything. and my girlfriend has come to terms with the fact that he never will. basically my point is, that here is a man who has thrown a prfectly amazing beginning to a special relationship (w hich they have anyway) away. and its not bec she's the WRONG PERSON, its because he is so deathly afraid of setting something in "stone". of the certainty of a title, of not having complete freedom, of changing his mind, of being responsible for someone elses heart, of being completely vulnerable....how some of you can sit and decide that there is no such thing, is beyond me, not everyone is so simple, not everyone can run after something and never stop, there are different types of people, circumstances, pasts, and you cant dismiss someones uncertainty with the simple response of"you must be the wrong person"......once again, yes that response holds truth in many circumstances.

i know im not different than anyone else, or deserve anymore, and there is a possibility that he may just feel i am "wrong" for him, but in my heart, and in my head, i doubt that very strongly. this is a man who has trouble sticking to any certain career path, and is afraid to go after the one he really wants, feeling as if there is no way he can accomplish this. yes there are self esteem issues here as well, mixed with the fear of knowing that his fate would in some way be certain......some people dont like certainty, some people need it, and want it. i know i dont mind it.

but some people like to come and go as they please, and couldnt see the "right " person if the right person were wearing a sign that said"hi, i am *blank* g. *blanks*'s right person, if you are him, please claim me", these are the guys/women that would say "are you sure?you know there could be 2, 3, 4, 20 of us, and well, i dont know if i want to claim you, as i am not certain you dont belong to another *blank* G. *Blank*".....i dont know anything for sure, but i do know that as DN said, if there are people who are afraid of small spaces(and no one denies this one), there is definitely a HUGE possibility that there are people who are afraid of committing their lives to one person who they are in charge of choosing.

oooooh look at that, i have another idea, people who doubt themselves couldnt possibly feel as if they have picked the right person, if they are always doubting themselves and their decisions. p.s. im not stating a fact, its just an idea.

I'm sure that there are some actual committment-phobes out there. But, I think many more just aren't sure that they're with the right person.

Here's the thing: I have some real phobias. For example, I have a pretty serious fear of flying, however, I've learned to manage that fear, because I love to travel so much. But, I still freak out sometimes and have been known to grab the person sitting next to me (I usually warn them when we board the plane that I'm a nervous flier. It's actually come in handy, because, for whatever reason, I'm always seated next to handsome men But, that's getting off-topic )

A lot of my friends have gone skydiving. Now, that's a phobia I've dealt with by not engaging in it! I refuse to jump out of a perfectly functioning airplane.

It's like, if you wanted to take a trip with someone who was afraid to fly. You want to go 8,000 miles away and the only rational way to get there is to fly (and that's kind of what a relationship is - a journey). You can either wait around for them to get over that fear of flying, or, you move on and find someone else to go on vacation with.

How long are you willing to wait for your partner to get over their committment-phobia?

I'm not actually trying to be difficult or uncooperative here, truly... but I'm just not feeling up to a debate about it with someone who doesn't believe it exists. I've read something about this and understood it and was trying to be helpful to the OP, that's all.

 

Miss M,

I wasn't looking for a debate. I just wanted to understand why you thought that. Although I don't expect you to defend your opinion, you can pm me if you want.

As to commitment phobia, I don't feel I understand it well enough to write adequately about it. I found out about it when I was researching something else that was more relevant to me. But I found a lot of overlap for my own circumstances so I spent a lot of time looking it over. I read and scanned some books, but not well enough to report it those who disbelieve it. But I found the information credible and have empathy for anyone who is partnered with someone who is a CP.

I used the word "victimized" because from what I read that's how those feel who have been in a relationship with a commitment-phobe. For many the CP gives every indication that s/he is commitment-oriented, but then pulls a swtich when it's time to move toward commitment. They don't want to be alone, but they also don't want to commit, but it all seems to be at an unconsious level. And instead of leaving others out of it, they get in relationships with others who DO want a commitment. They play manipulative push/pull games with another, and that keeps the other person confused about what to do... whether to let go or stay. Prolonged confusion and deception as part of the relationship is also what makes a person a victim. Many CPs tend to have a pattern of appearing to be commitment-oriented when they really aren't. And those who fall for them tend to have a pattern of falling for CPs.

This is only a partial explanation. There are probably many other types of CPs that don't fit this description.

Also, by definition, a phobia is an abnormal or irrational or unreasonable fear. I suffer from phobias and have first-hand experience of the confusing torment. Those who say why there is no such thing as a CP have given the rational reasons for a person not wanting to commit, and that's not the same thing.

How long are you willing to wait for your partner to get over their committment-phobia?

Annie, I think she's just still trying to sort it all out.

 

Thus...

any good sites on commitment phobics or books i could look into???????

and thus...

i dont even know if this is what i am dealing with

I think that the most important thing is that the committment phobe has to WANT to change. Sure, you can go out and get a lot of literature on "fear of flying" for your friend, but if they aren't taking any active steps themselves to get over it, there's not much you can do. I mean, they can say, "yes, I want to get over it..." but if they don't actually

DO anything to try to get over it, then I don't think that trying to talk them into it will help.

I guess what you have to find out is if your partner really really wants to change, and if he wants your help.

There are a lot of books and sites about how to get a CP to change, but Steven Carter and Julia Sokol's books aren't like that at all. I think they are the ones who coined the phrase "commitment phobia" and they have devoted many years of their careers researching and studying this. They are considered the leading authorities on the topic. They are specifically trying to help a person recognize the symptoms and clues and patterns, recognize when the other person isn't able to move forward, recognize when you should move on from the relationship. Their books aren't about telling people how to change the CP at all. Being partnered with a CP is confusing because many of them give very convincing behavior that indicates they are commitment-oriented. After a while you can't figure out what to do because you lose your perspective from getting so many mixed signals. Reading Carter and Sokol can help someone regain perspective.