This is TORTURE!

At present I'm dealing with one of the biggest problems my life could ever throw at me. This is my second marriage (13 years). I still love my husband but something's missing. I've had this problem from being a child.

From my teens until 1999 I somehow supressed the feelings when they popped out. But the more they surfaced the harder it took to push them to the back of my mind. I call this 'my skeleton in the cupboard'.

In 1998 I decided, 'I must be Bi!' I'd never done anything about it so I had nothing to be ashamed of, etc. Once I accepted it then I felt like a great weight had been taken from my shoulders!

In 1999 I fell head over heals in love with a woman who'd worked in the factory whilst I worked in the offices, (We'd worked together for a full year before this happened). Was it really love? Yes. The reason I know is because the same thing had happened when I met my 2nd husband. I saw him and felt like I'd been hit with a gigantic hammer!

'No, this can't be happening!' I was in total shock. 'Thank God she's going on holiday for 2 weeks. I'll be ok when she comes back.' But when she returned it got worse. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, my thoughts were constantly on her, I couldn't stand my husband touching me anymore! I was going through hell!

As weeks passed she realised something was wrong with me. I was too quiet. She already knew I thought I was Bi. I told her the truth. You can imagine the swear words, she's straight! She wanted to remain friends. I struggled for weeks with the fight that was going on within my body!

One day she came up to me, looked straight into my eyes and said, 'I think you need to go with a woman.' I knew immediately what she was saying. 'No, I can't let you sacrifice yourself for me!' Then I said, 'It's not that I don't want to, it's because I know that if I do I'll want you more!' (Part of my heart still belongs to her!)

In 2004 I made friends with my new next door neighbour. I discovered she had emotional problems and would turn to drink to get rid of them! She cried a lot and mentioned on a few occasions she ws going to commit suicide! I was going through depression. We used each other to lean on.

My husband worked away and came home once a week overnight to change the contents of his suitcase! She had a spare set of keys to my house in case anything went wrong with me. I suffer with Fibromyalgia Syndrome!

When she cried I cuddled her and physically wiped away the tears. I was with her 24/7 to keep her from drinking as much because her personality changed! After a few weeks the feelings started to kick in. I couldn't believe it!

She was on a big downer and needed more cuddles. I on the other hand needed the cuddles because it was like an addiction. Unfortunately I was fueling the fire!

Eventually as she got better she realised the cuddles were getting longer. Sometimes I would slip my arms around her like a bf would. She's straight. If she was washing up she would just dry her hands, open mine, and continue what she was doing. I would just back off. We seemed to have an unspoken understanding. Every day started with a clean slate!

Sometimes at night when we cuddled before I went home I didn't want to leave. When the embrace was broken I'd reach for her hand and lead her to the stairs. I'd walk up a couple and look into her eyes. She would stand there silently looking at me. Then I'd come back down and go home. This continued for months! Eventually I locked the feelings away.

This year I discovered I'd 'fallen' for my college Psychology Teacher. I decided to tell her the truth because I was supposed to be going back to college in September for the next level. Also I thought if she was aware of the situation then she would see the danger signs! I actually asked for her help. I wanted information that would tell me what was going on with me. Unfortunately, she panicked said, 'I'm straight! I don't know enough Psychology to help you.' I asked, 'Will you still agree to teach me in September?' 'If I ever see your name on my list again I'll have to tell my superiors.'

A knife felt as though it had been plunged into my back! I was already suffering from loving her. And then she hurts me by refusing to teach me. It just shows that honesty doesn't always work! How did I cope? In the beginning I couldn't. I wanted to contact her and plead with her. I cried most of the time. I was angry with myself for being so stupid. That if only I'd kept quiet I could be at college now.

The truth is if she'd said that she felt the same way about me I'd have been doing somersaults!

Since then more problems. The feelings for the next door neighbour have surfaced again! I'm doing my best to keep my hands to myself but sometimes I'm finding it very difficult.

One day I was talking to her in her kitchen. I knew I was having a 'naughty' day. I was supposed to go around earlier but I couldn't because the feelings were at such a high level I'd have grabbed her and kissed her. So I waited until they subsided a bit. My hands were in my pockets, then on my head, then tucked in the back of my jeans, then I rested them on the work surface. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went home.

She's talked to me about my problem. She said she'd noticed I was like 'a cat on a hot tin roof' that day. She'd seen me eyeing her up a lot befoe that. I talked to her about the ways she dresses. Usually she wears T-shirts and jogging bottoms. Unfortunately, recently she's been driving me up the wall! She's been wearing low cut tops and 'belts' for skirts! When I've gone to talk to her I've ended up standing with my eyes permanently fixed on the ceiling! The first time she saw me she asked what was wrong with it. I explained I was giving her some privacy. She just laughed. I don't know what's going on because I don't even fancy her! It just doesn't make any sense.

The older I get the worse it gets! I don't know who I am anymore or which direction to go in. I've got an appointment with a Psycho Sexual Cousellor on Oct 6th. My husband knows the whole truth!

If there's anyone that can give me some idea of what they've gone through and how they've dealt with it please PM me. I really need some support right now! I'm on MSN too.

This sounds tough. But be careful with confusing emotional situations with romantic ones.

Did any of the men you have been with treat you bad or act like your feelings didn't matter? You know, typical guy stuff.

What does your present husband think of what you told him?

I've got an appointment with a Psycho Sexual Cousellor on Oct 6th. My husband knows the whole truth!

Excellant. That is a step in the right direction.I am glad you are being honest with him and that you are looking to an objective source for help.

2 things I notice about your story that bother me- and they have nothing to do with you being attracted to women:

1.) You are thinking about cheating on your husband (cheating is cheating whether with a make or female)

2.) You seem to become attracted to anyone (and too easily). I don't mean that you're desperate by any means, but that anyone who makes you feel good- as in needed (your neighbor) smart (your professor) etc. you will develop a crush on. You don't go seeking them out- but these are convenient people in your daily life.

I think you are attracted to the way they make you feel- and not necessarily to them as people. Does that make any sense? I do think you are truly bisexual- however these overwheling urges you're getting are more of an emotional kind and not inherently sexual. I think any sex act with a woman is secondary to this emotional state of excitment it puts you in when you develop a crush. Since you need this constant mental stimulation- it likely there is a void somewhere in your life either in your self-esteem, or your current relationship.

Also, I don't want to sound too Freudian....(I try to avoid that whenever possbile- but I cant resist sometimes) How was your relationship with your own mother when you were a child? You seem to enjoy these women most as nurturers. In the case of your neigherbor- you took on the role of her nurturer- and in the case or your professor- she was in the power position and you'd be the "child".

BellaDonna

At 13 a man tried to force me into doing things I didn't want to do!

When I was 22 the same thing happened again but this time it was two men individually that were puting me through hell! I didn't know how to deal with them because I've never had help with the first one. On these occasions I reverted back to the little 13 year old girl. One of these men was my 1st Father-in-law!

My 1st husband refused to have sex with me for 2 years. He never gave an excuse why but this seemed to start after I told him about his father! Later in the marriage he started to become violent towards me. He pushed me too far and I started to retaliate. I ended the marriage before one of us killed the other! Now we're friends.

My present husband hides his emotions and won't open up to me. It's like getting blood out of a stone! I know he cares and he says he loves me but I don't know if he says it because it's a habit or he really does? To be honest I don't know why I say it either. I do love him but I'm not sure what sort of love it is anymore? We have sex but I wouldn't say it's making love! It hasn't felt like that for a long time. I don't know if I'm just using him. I'm so confused.

All I know is my first crush was a girl. Then I had a boyfriend from 13-16 but he was always trying to get me into bed and I didn't want that. Don't get me wrong, we did do heavy petting. I didn't have many boyfriends after that. I wasn't that interested. I went out with 2 men and it felt like I was kissing a brother. I now think I married my 1st husband because I wanted to be safe. He was my height and roughly my build. I wasn't frightened of him because I'd known him for 10 years as a friend. And also I wanted to get away from my parents. My Mother was driving me crazy! Don't get me wrong I did care. I thought it was love until I met my 2nd husband!

My parents got a shock when they found out about me! (That's what you get for useing the jump on jump off method!) I'm the eldest. I was born exactly 9 months after they were married. They wanted to go out with their friends. The majority of the time I was with my Paternal Grandparents. To me my Nanna was my Mother! They lived two doors away and I was there nearly 24/7.

My parents did a lot of fighting when I was little. I couldn't stand the arguments and my Mother throwing things. My Grandparents house was quiet and they never argued. I suffered with depression when I was a child.

If I was naughty my Mother smacked me. My Nanna only had to look at me disappointedly and I would cry. That is the sort of relationship I had. It was unconditional love! My Grandparents died when I was 25. They died two weeks apart! I was the person who found her dead!

OK then I was right in my assumption. I have had a rough childhood as well. Very emotionally abusive family who tortured me by always telling me everything wasn't good enough, getting so mad at everything and always yelling etc.

The situation with the men you describe sounds brutal, which is why I asked. But again, if you love your husband, is that fair to him that you are even considering cheating on him? I'm glad you are going to meet with a therapist about it. I'm a big believer in you should never cheat no matter what. If you want to be with other people, then have the decency to tell the person you are with that you don't want to be with them in that way or you want other people. Maybe they are the type that isn't an open relationship or maybe they break it off but it isn't fair to want to or try to do it while involved, in my opinion.

But if you don't understand your feelings, you need to get help with that for sure.

My husband is going with me to see the Psycho Sexual Counsellor.

Our G.P. says he/she will talk to us together first and then separately.

I don't like hurting my husband but I can't continue living my life like this. We tried ignoring it in 1999 but it keeps coming back again!

My husband is going with me to see the Psycho Sexual Counsellor.

 

Our G.P. says he/she will talk to us together first and then separately.

 

I don't like hurting my husband but I can't continue living my life like this. We tried ignoring it in 1999 but it keeps coming back again!

 

 

 

Well if this is something you TRULY want, you owe it to your husband not to string him along.

Hello Tigris,its a very bad situation you are in at the mo! Remain calm, think about what you are doing, and if you cant stop these fellings, stop your relationship or else EVERYONE will get hurt babe. Remember what we talked about. Ps hope ur holiday helps!

Ben

You sound really confused about who you are and what you want. I'm wondering if something would have happened between you and any of the women that you had crushes on, if you would still be with your husband. I almost think not.

From your thread, it is apparent to me that you are attracted to women in many ways. You haven't expressed the desire and attraction towards your husbands the way that you have these crushes. I'm sure you love your husband as a person, but you do not desire him and want to be with him the way that you want to be with a woman. You don't sound bi-sexual to me. You sound like you are a lesbian who is trying to do the right thing by being married to a man.

I think that psycho-sexual counseling will be good. Good luck and keep us posted!

I'm in Cyprus right now staying with friends until October 1st. I needed time away from my husband to think things through.

Before I came away I had sex with my husband. On reflection I realise I didn't do it for the right reasons. I did it because I was going away and leaving him, etc. I felt like a robot. Just going through the sequence but there were no emotions involved.

Bally's I think you are right!

I'd hoped the plane would crash so I didn't have to deal with this problem!

I've been home since 1st October. When my husband saw me at the airport he smiled and kissed me. It was obvious that he cared. I kissed him but I felt no emotion.

The next day as soon as I saw my next door neighbour I had this sudden urge to go over to her put my arms around her and kiss her passionately. The thing that stopped me was my husband was right behind me. I just stood there grinning at her.

I saw the Psycho Sexual Counsellor on 6th October. My husband couldn't go so my next door neighbour went with me.

She explained how loving i get around her. That at times I get so 'full on' that I make her feel 'creepy'.

The Counsellor asked to talk to me alone. She's advised me that some of the problems I'm dealing with now may have come from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I explained that to me it wasn't sexual abuse. All the man did was to touch my leg everytime we were alone together. But he made sure I was the last person to be taken home in the car. She says it was the fear he instilled in me. It doesn't have to be about sexual activity. I never thought of it like that.

I came out of the meeting like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders!

My next appointment is Monday!

I'm not sure about taking the woman you have those urges about to counseling.

I'm glad you feel the weight has been lifted though. Great progress. Hope it continues.

Did the therapist recommend what to say to ur husband about all this?

The Therapist said to tell him that she wanted to talk to me alone until she got to our marriage.

I'm not taking my next door neighbour anymore so that solves that problem.

My husband and I talked (started talking and ended up arguing) today. He wanted to know the truth. I warned him that some of it would hurt like I'd stabbed him with a knife and twisted it. He didn't like everything he heard.

I'm thinking of moving into the other bedroom. I feel like we're heading for a divorce.

I'm on the verge of again. The last time this happened was 2 years ago. I'd been trying to get my husband to understand there was something wrong for weeks and he wasn't listening. I downed a bottle of port in 15 minutes and went in the bath. I have never wished to be dead so much in all my life. I should've gone to hospital to have my stomache pumped.

I have another appointment with the Counsellor at 3.30 tomorrow.

Drinking won't help, I know that much.

I'm going through a brutal situation myself and I have thought the worst thoughts as well.

It helps a bit to read people's stories here although the situations are different (much shorter relationship, people 20 years old etc). but it still helps a bit. I haven't missed a day here in months.

I hope your therapy session goes well though. I have been going to one as well although talking doesn't seem to help me much as I know my problems just can't stop the feelings yet.

Counselling session went well. She asked about my childhood relationships with my parents. Did I get cuddles, etc. What were my memories. Mainly bad ones of them fighting all the time.

She asked if there was anything sexual I didn't like doing with my husband. I answered yes and we talked about it.

She thinks I have allowed people to go further than I've wanted them to and haven't felt comfortable with it. She says I have to be more assertive and learn to say No.

My next appointment is 18th

Hey Tigris,

I've been following from the beginning.

Do you feel that the therapy is helping you?

Yes I do Dark Blue. If I'd known this years ago I'd have done it before now.

Counselling session went well. She asked about my childhood relationships with my parents. Did I get cuddles, etc. What were my memories. Mainly bad ones of them fighting all the time.

 

She asked if there was anything sexual I didn't like doing with my husband. I answered yes and we talked about it.

 

She thinks I have allowed people to go further than I've wanted them to and haven't felt comfortable with it. She says I have to be more assertive and learn to say No.

 

 

 

My next appointment is 18th

Yeah my parents always fought and they were/have been brutal to me, whether in person or on the phone, so I know what you mean.

From my own sessions, I have noticed that if I want to, I can control everything meaning that I can convince the therapist to side with me if I want to, which in the end doesnt help. I am a very good talker (always have been) and sometimes it does hurt me. So try to be honest even if it's a subject you may not like.

Your husband having sex with you is something he forces on you? Meaning you don't want to have sex with your husband?

Good luck on next appointment.

TiredMan he's never forced me. It's just sometimes I don't want to do anything but I feel obliged to do something for him even though he hasn't asked me. Very much like the saying 'Lie back and think of England'. That was what a wife had to do in centuries from long ago.

I suppose in a way I do it because I feel sorry for him because he's being neglected and also because I feel guilty.

The last time I enjoyed sex was about 2 months ago. I was drunk. This makes me feel horny. Since then I've been doing it but my heart hasn't been in it! I suppose that's because I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm bi or a lesbian? All I know is I'm not straight.

I hope this makes sense to you.

The last time I enjoyed sex was about 2 months ago. I was drunk. This makes me feel horny. Since then I've been doing it but my heart hasn't been in it! I suppose that's because I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm bi or a lesbian? All I know is I'm not straight.

I know exactly what that feels like, actually. It's hard, very hard, on the spouse because they don't really understand what it is, even if you have explained it to them, and either way they aren't getting their needs met. But honestly there's not much you can do but continue to explore yourself in and out of therapy and see where it leads.

My husband went with me today so the Counsellor had to give him a quick recap of what we'd been talking about. Then she got him to open up a bit by asking him how we met, etc.

She asked him what I was like at home. He said that he watched the tv and I was always on the computer. She's now realised we have separate lives although we live in the same house.

She asked about sex. I told her that I didn't want my husband to touch me so I've been avoiding getting into bed when he's awake! He was present when I said it.

She asked where I saw myself. I said a long way past bi but not quite lesbian. My husband was still present at this time.

She wanted us to both attend a session on 26th. I asked to see her alone. She then asked my husband to a separate appointment on the Thursday.

The reason I want to see her alone?

I'm in love with the most wonderful woman in the world!

*******Before anyone starts shouting me down*************

I HAVE NOT COMMITTED ADULTERY!

I'm so happy because she feels exactly the same way about me. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

You don't think it's incredibly harsh for your husband that this is going on?